Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

invasions of privacy, boundary violations This just made me remember that when I first went to twat's family home they had no locks on their bathroom and toilet doors. I asked why, he said we never had these growing up. They did later fit some.

They had work done in the house after I'd known them a few years. They fitted a toilet door that didn't fully obscure the view in. I told them that people would feel uncomfortable using it. They looked at me like I was mad. They never altered it, and I know lots of people used to avoid using that room.

His mum was ok, we got on. After the birth of my first dc she offered to take all my personal things home and wash them. I'd thought of burning them ! She was a little offended I said no thanks, and twat couldn't see why I felt uncomfortable with her doing this for me.

All their children are quite secretive, they keep a lot of what they do from their parents. I wonder if it's connected.

lilac and mysinking I have been telling the boys the truth as best I can, trouble is DS3 and DS4 actually like their father and have a short memory lol DS3 is struggling to comprehend that now SF seems to have more cash why don't I? I'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut and saying sweet fa about SF to the boys, I do admit to not covering myself with glory when DS3 asked for a Pokémon game, it was the Sunday night I went into hospital and was just about to leave as soon as my sister arrived to babysit and I got that request from left field, when I said a little sharply that I couldn't afford it he replied 'well dad is getting it for me!' My answer was 'well good for him!' DS2 said 'that was sarcasm wasn't it?' 🙈 Lol

I started to compartmentalise years before I finally left so I've got quite good at feeling completely nothing wrt SF and what he does etc (with the odd exception when he's being a controlling twat hence court to get back his 'trophy') I pretend he doesn't exist at pick up every Friday, I don't acknowledge him at all like he's invisible and have only spoken to him directly once, when he stopped DS1 from getting his stuff from the house, in about 2/3years any communication about holiday arrangements is done by short blunt texts. Made me laugh that because I don't speak or look at him and haven't for ages when I finally did I realised he's got fat lol 😂

I'm afraid I'm not above a bit of sarcasm when it comes to twat and the dc Chrystal My other technique is to put something in terms of a question. His speciality is going shopping with them but only if he needs something. Often he buys dd nothing, usually because she does the whole I don't need anything talk. But I can see she's a bit put out. So I'll say something like why d'you think dad didn't buy xxx for you if he knew you needed it, even if you said it's ok ? Or wow, dad bought himself loads of things then, that's good because he often tells you he doesn't have as much money as he used to. I don't know if this is fair, but I feel they should be able to see the inconsistencies.

I too have no contact with twat other than text. He's got thinner rather than fatter ! Hasn't grown any more hair though, and still looks like he's chewing a wasp

No updates here really other than he is already starting to seem disinterested.

Was supposed to speak to DS on Sunday eve but was 'too tired' and yesterday he tried flaking out because he had to be somewhere.

DS kept putting the phone down on him, wasn't interested at all. He told me later he wouldn't be waiting until next week till anther phonecall because he 'wasn't satisfied' with the outcome of this one (DS not being interested).

After he came off the phone DS did his usual 'don't like daddy I just want '

Solicitors on Friday. Any thoughts what she might suggest?

Also saw a GP yesterday he was fantastic. Suggested PTSD like I thought. That was a releif in itself, to know I'm not totally broken.

I'm finding myself further and further being detached from exp. Trying not to overthink the situation and drive myself crazy with worry. It's not helpful for anyone.

I'm also in the two week wait

Glad you saw the GP and he was good Ohb

Ooo two week wait, exciting!

Great news about the GP Ohb, something to work with. Equally good news about your increasing ability to detach from exp.

No great surprise about exp becoming disinterested and flakey about your ds. Because he's not squealing with delight on the phone there's no pay off for him - and it is of course all about him. I wonder if he'll even be interested by the time a contact centre is suggested?

Hi Natsku. Glad the manic calls have decreased, hope you're doing ok.

Yeah definitely no surprise there, narcs need attention and adoration from their children - without it, the children mean nothing much to them. My ex's phone calls have slowed down since DD stopped wanting to talk much to him.

Still really struggling with my other issue dusters don't have enough space in my mind to focus on much else :(

Sorry things are tough just now Natsku. Seem to remember you'd been able to access some help, is this not making much difference?

Not much difference, just enough that I can cope with day to day life but still feel shit all the time

Is it mainly related to the bearded nuisance caller ?! (if you don't mind me asking)

No its something else, can't write it here as its too outing but will PM you

natsku hope you're ok

Quick question. I know we hate the WNs but I want to check if I am being reasonable or unreasonable, genuinely...

DC's have been invited to a close friends bday party this weekend. It is WN's access weekend (remembering 1 DC still refusing to see him after terrible arguments and problems when he was there and I was asked to fetch him on a number of occasions).

So, we have an elderly and v ill GP (Grandparent, is that right?) The GP lives out of our town but in the town where the birthday party is. DC's wanted to go to the party and then see GP quick while we were over there. I am super keen for this to happen as they are very close to lovely GP, it is tricky to get to see them often, they would really like us to go, and GP is quite seriously ill and frail - can no longer leave the house and not able to see many visitors anymore.

WN says no. WN says he has apparently bought tickets for something that can't be changed. He also claims he has bought the DC who is refusing to see him/speak to him a ticket too. I have no idea what this elusive event is, when it is, why it can't be changed or if it even exists which is my gut feeling on previous experience.

So I have clarified with WN that I am meant to tell the DCs they can't go to their close friends birthday party and can't see v ill GP.

There is no budging him.

Am I in the wrong ?

I don't think you are purple but then I have been in a strikingly similar situation with my WN (except he didn't have a mysterious event, he just said he was more important). So I may well be biased. Hopefully someone a bit more neutral will be along soon!

Natsku sending you strength.

I can start the freedom programme soon. Can anyone tell me what to expect? If it's as good as everyone says then it's much needed. I need to break free from WN's control and I think I might have fallen into a similar, but less extreme, being treated like crap situation with almost ex. He's not like WN, but he has abandoned me when I need him (and should get his support) and behaved in a hurtful way and I feel that maybe because it's not the full on abusive situation I had with WN, I've minimised it because in comparison, it's not that bad. But that doesn't mean it's ok. Does anyone get what I mean? I'm worried about saying too much in case I out myself!

I don't think you're in the wrong purple if WN won't tell you what the event is then I doubt it exists and even then, its more important for dc to see their very ill grandparent as no one knows when their time might come so not good to pass up opportunities like that.

Purple it sounds like your WN is being thoughtless and selfish, i.e. his usual self?

Will he listen to DCs if they say that they have made choice and want the party and see GP?

He doesn't care I have made it clear that it should be about what the children want and not what he wants.

Of course he could see them another day instead (but in reality in would only take them for 3 ish hours then drop back to his.

Oldest DC is continuing to say he doesn't want to see WN anyway and is now even more pissed off with him that he can't see how important it is for them to see GP.

So we have another situation where youngest manipulated away with treats and separated from big DS.

It makes me so mad (I am trying not to be) that he will not respect their wishes at all. I don't want to interrupt his time with them, that's not my intention but surely things like this are going to crop up now and again and we are supposed to work something out?

to the next God knows how many years of trying to get an unreasonable selfish person to be reasonable for the DCs sake.

Christ purple he sounds so much like mine. No idea how to deal with the selfish fuckers (other than do what YOU want because whatever you do will never be good enough for him, but we all know about The Consequences) but I feel your pain and frustration.

Purple I'd say WN was being unreasonable and unkind because he's refusing to even discuss a compromise. Ok, so he's booked tickets to something, and it's his weekend. But, is there any way that you could attend some of the party, visit GP, and return them in time to go off with WN ?

He could say to you if GP is so ill, why aren't you visiting any way, why is it only in conjunction with the party ? If so, why not visit GP on another day, not his weekend ? I'm not saying this is what you should do for a moment, just how he may see it.

Also, like you say, things are going to crop up. They won't wait 'till the right weekend. For this reason I think it is significant what the tickets are for. If it's meet and greet the England football team with signed shirts, then maybe the party could be missed. If it's cinema tickets, well...

If you turned the situation round, what would you do if you had tickets for something on your weekend, then he presented the party/GP issue ? Assuming your Dc felt the same about the party and GP in question, could you ask him to consider doing whatever you would do in that situation?

Ultimately, like you say, it's about what the dc want. If he won't even discuss a compromise I'd be tempted to say this is what the boys want, party and GP visit. If you tell me when and where the event is we'll work around it. If you won't, I have to assume it doesn't exist, could easily be rearranged or worked around, and therefore you are simply being difficult. If this is the case, the dc come first, so they'll be ready for pick up at xx (time after party and GP visit).

greencar I haven't done the Freedom Programme, keep meaning to read up about it. You said about accepting something because it was less bad, or words to that effect. That reminded me of the sticky at the top of the Relationships board. Here it says something along the lines of just because you've got rid of a grade 10 bastard, don't accept the grade 8 one that comes along next.

Not that I'm saying nearly ex is a bastard ! But he does sound like he's dragging you down. And if you have a close history, I feel cross with him for doing so, given all you've been through, and I don't even know you. So how much more should he be there for you. You should be able to expect support, it's not an added extra.

Thanks dusters.

He won't even discuss a compromise.

I'm just thinking if we could go round one night after work/school clubs/tea etc. We could I guess. They are a bit sensitive on times to visit and it would make it quite late but we could do it if we had to. It wouldn't be the same as a nice visit during the day. GP isn't even getting up/dressed now so not sure late evening is convenient. We could do it though if we had to.

I think the thing that got to me was that there was no consideration for what DCs wanted, they want to go to the party and see GPs but no discussion of options whatsoever.

He said that the tickets couldn't be exchanged for any other time when I asked him. He also said he had bought one for DS that is still refusing to see him/speak to him. That seemed a bit suspect to me. Why would you spend money on a 'special' thing on a child who won't even speak to him?

Sometimes I think this WN wraps himself and everyone one else up in his lies so well. I bet he is telling his family that I am trying to ruin his weekend blah blah and no hint of the real situation.

Anyway, as it stands my DS is saying he will not talk to him as he had explained clearly to him how he feels and won't say it again. And he definitely isn't going with him this weekend - wherever they are going - and he wants to see GP. So that's it. DC's split in 2 again.

Green I have wondered about the Freedom program. You will have to be mine and dusters guinea pig (not suggesting you need it dusters!

How long have you been with almost X? If you are seeing little repetitions and can't get any clarity on things maybe that is a good indication that you need some time alone to heal and get back in touch with 'you' if that makes sense.

I find it so hard to listen to my thoughts, or hear any needs that I may have with life/work/DCs, I think I really need to get back in touch with myself - if that makes sense. So easy to get lost.

Yes duster this to Green >

You should be able to expect support, it's not an added extra.

Support without strings is a basic part of a healthy relationship I think.

Purple I expect he's bought the extra ticket for your ds to show what a great guy he is to his friends and family. Look at me, I'm so generous, even though everyone's so mean to me, boo hoo.

Like you say, it's the deliberate action of fulfilling their needs first, not the dcs, that hurts us. But that's because we're normal, and our dc's needs are a reflex, not part of a grandiose plan to make ourselves feel better. Well, you know next time round if he asks for a compromise that you'll be able to sit and watch hell freeze over before it happens !

Thanks purple and dusters

About a year purple. What you've both said about support has made me think. He has been wonderfully supportive with WN issues but we had a complicated pg loss and I feel alone with the aftermath. I don't know if that's him finding it hard, or seeing it as an inconvenience. I suspect the first, the idea of the second is a scar left by WN, but even so... The EDD was a culturally significant day so will be impossible to escape when it comes, and I'm dreading it all the more after his recent behaviour. I can't help thinking he does have some responsibility for this whether we're together or not. But, my experiences with WN have made it impossible for me to read the situation or know how to react, as well as all the practical difficulties he's caused while trying to deal with it, so I've just numbed out. And I really hate that he's having any kind of influence over this. I really sympathise with oh feeling like WN ex's behaviour is influencing her feelings about a future pg.

I agree with dusters about the tickets purple, if he really has bought them then it'll be look at me, I'm so wonderful and isn't she mean, I'd bought tickets and everything, I'm so disappointed. Trying to make you and everyone else feel sorry for him.