Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Dusters this makes me think of WN acting childishly and me knowing DCs needed something so sticking to 'the DCs need X script' and him saying "thanks for being so adult about this". FFS, two adults should both act like adults anyhow? So good on you and if WN is not polite then he'll just be confirming his prize WN status even more.

Thinking of everyone suffering at hands of WNs today

Here I am again feeling stressed and anxious again as WN is a bit quiet. Solicitor said I should get money from him if I were unable to work- he said no and so solicitor sent another letter. Radio silence. Think he's plotting..... I always worry .... I always worry that DC will be taken

Oh he won't even acknowledge that I arranged for the ticket Lilac, I have no expectations of him so I'm never disappointed !

homely I always worry that he'll take DC too, he knows that's what would hurt me most and I'd be out of my mind with worry. I think though that in most cases these miserable specimens wouldn't want the responsibility in reality.

He wants overnight. I am so not comfortable with that but legally the most I can do is withhold contact and get taken to court, where past experience tells me he'd play as dirty as possible. I know having a reasonable discussion with him is impossible. I don't know what to do, let DC go, see what info comes back afterwards and monitor until I hear something concrete that means it needs to stop; try explaining that certain things need to happen (or not happen) - surely the least I need is the address?! or just say no. The first option is obviously easiest in terms of not incurring his wrath but hardest in regards to being worried sick about DC, and potential for selfish irresponsible behaviour from him. He's acting reasonably so far which is setting all my hairs on end!

dusters you are admirable, and he's a twat.

to all coping with contact again this weekend.

Oh my gosh how awful [Thanks]

Thoughts are with you as you help your children to cope with this

Oh my goodness just been catching up, thanks that's horrendous. I know you've given your DC the tools to cope but still I hope you all get the support you need IRL.

Thinking of you and your DC

Greencar I think your logic about how to approach WN and the OW/dc issue is sound. Perhaps a wait (not too long) and see approach. Twat didn't give me his address. I reminded him of this when he told me to pick dc up one night - he had to bring him home. Eventually I told the dc to show me where he lived, are yours old enough to show you?

I'm not sure I'm admirable as regards the play tickets. I am so cold towards the whole thing, I just take the path that suits me (and dc) best. Other dc was doing a craft thing today (quite expensive), you make something special for someone. I had said to her who's it for, one of the grandmas? No, dad. Usually I'd be annoyed, but I was just, ok, whatever.

Spoke to one of my parents earlier. They are dealing with a very difficult issue, only slightly linked to the whole Twat business. It affects me, but not quite so accutely. I really feel for them, but again I feel quite cold about the whole business. It's just another example of someone being selfish, unkind, cruel, totally unreasonable. But I can't get past "F**k em".

Does anybody else feel like this? It's like I don't have the space in my head or heart to care or deal with anymore crap. My expectations are so low, and boundaries so high, that it just doesn't touch the sides. I don't want to be a sobbing mess but it doesn't feel right.

The "f**k em" comment was my feelings about the unreasonable person - not my parents !!!

I feel like that too dusters

And I was a sobbing mess yesterday if it's any consolation.

But today is another day and tonight I'm enjoying a second long island ice tea with friends and think, you know what, it's not us, it's them. So am with you on the f**k em front. Sending much tipsy hugs to all dealing with this x

mysinking I meant to say thanks for your post yesterday, it really helps so much to hear from someone who has been there and gets it (but I am sorry that you have these problems and feelings too)

dusters thanks, I'm struggling to see the woods for the trees at the moment. I know the rough area he lives in (pointed out by DC, and is where I would expect), but I think anything more is probably out of reach unless he sees fit to tell me. Wait and see is the least inflammatory way to go, but I'm still having trouble with the thought of waiting for something bad to happen.

Having said that, given a few days I may have become more immune to it because yes, I do have those feelings too and I don't like it either. Generally, towards things that don't affect me much, but also towards the things that do after a while (almost ex being perfect example, after initial heartache and worry about my take on it, I'm now a bit meh and neutral waiting to see what happens, it's like I just can't deal with the extra stress so have switched off from it). I suspect I'll never fully reach that level of numbness with things that affect my beautiful DC, but I definitely feel detached from the world much of the time. And I don't like that he's done that to me.

Sorry to hear most of us are having a shit time again today. And sorry to hear your parents are too Dusters.

I do like your outlook re your ex though dusters, about having no expectations of him as not to end up feeling disappointed. I always get sucked back in thinking 'maybe this time things will be different and he will be a better dad.' I think this week has shown me that will never happen! I need to emotionally detach from everything he does, but it's so difficult to when it effects DS and essentially means ex still cares more about going out on the lash than seeing DS.

So sorry to hear what you and your children are currently going through thanks.

Ex has shared a status on FB (one of those ones that's gone viral. Not one he or a friend has written). Well... I'm lost for words!

If only this is what life was really like! It really does highlight the fact that people's lives on Facebook are usually nothing like their actual lives.
I however always buy him a present and a card from DS. This year I even got him a cake and candles and we did it in the car! Cheeky fucker.

Thanks for responding to my ramblings, so good to know I'm not losing the plot. Have had a wonderful prosecco fueled night with my close friends (hic!). I nearly threw them away in the aftermath of twat, tonight they felt like my family. We've laughed 'till we cried, including my friend who I nearly lost over twat. Because of him I wasn't there for her when she needed me. But she has totally moved past it, as have I with her, and it has restored my faith in relationships.

Sorry to hear things are still unresolved with nearly ex greencar. You don't deserve all this uncertainty

As for that Facebook status Minnie !!!! I've never done FB, and things like that remind me why. What an absolute crock of shit. I take it you're still waiting for the flowers, card and pressie ?!

The people that share those kinds of statuses are always the last people to ever do what's said in them.

Minnie that's so funny. Do you think his family and friends really believe it?

Dusters glad to hear you had a good, fun night. Sounds like friendships have been fully restored

I went out last night, first time in 3 months as ex doesn't have DCs overnight and my DM helps so much I don't like to ask her to help more. One of my friends said, when I was talking about going on dates and stopping it if I didn't like them, "well you have your standards". It made me smile as I was thinking standards well above my WN!

Hi Lilac Yes, the friendship group seems well back on track. I think it helped that I took my head out of my arse and stopped feeling sorry for myself ! Love the "you have your standards" comment. I have this vision of you as a kind of Mae West character when it comes to dating. Standing at the saloon bar in your high heels, cigarette holder, turning on your heel and swaying out when the date is below par

Minnie
I'd be so tempted to put the pondering emoji and a comment on that post saying "still waiting....."

Dick.

I had a nice weekend with now date #6.
WN bought DC home 30 mins late with no communication. Makes me so anxious. Fucking cunt. Feel better for that !!

And funny how so many of us also have the similarity of WN not telling us where they are living. I can also tick that box.

Had a funny scenario tho a while back. He txt to say I have to drop DC off around the corner from him (age 8 and 5) as he doesn't want me glaring at his fiancé through the window.
I had only dropped them off once ever as he had refused to give me his address for two years. At the time I did that drop, they had been crying at going so hardly time for glaring if I were the glaring sort.

A week later, I was 8 mins late home for him to collect. I had given him 35 mins warning thus.
He demanded (I demand) you drop them at my house as you have inconvenienced me.
No. fuck off. I glare at your fiancé apparently.

Hello! I hope all your DC are tucked up with you. Who would've known there were so many of these twisted bastards out there? Maybe they've got a little hovel together where they can dream up the next crock of evil to throw at us brave enough to be happy without them? Arse holes the lot of 'em Sorry- felt the urge to rant a bit.

dung You must have a kind of super hero stare to glare at somebody from a distance through glass.

ddrmum I caught up with your thread yesterday. I think if any of us are allowed a rant it is you

My dc are back. Eldest dc told me that other dc had been naughty (which is highly likely) and that dad had said to him "I've had enough of this f*ing shit" Enough? What, 2 evenings and one day at the weekend? My youngest can be quite hard work, but twat never "got" him, didn't handle him that well, and I over compensated. I know that if twat had stayed my youngest would have had a really hard time with him.

Dc said they'd related a story to dad that I'd told them, about an argument I'd overheard where the couple were swearing unbelievably. Apparently twat said "That's good coming from your mother". I don't know if this comment preceded his vile outburst to my son. Hello, Twat, irony, have you met

I said that dad had used some dreadful language to me in the past. I then asked what else he'd said about me. Apparently nothing, but he still always says right, back home to xxxxxxx. It's a really nasty nickname, which I've had to explain to my dc.

I shall remain grey rock and nc, but I'm struggling to keep the hatred at bay just now.

Aww dusters, they're such shits. My younger boy sounds like your youngest, ex sees him as more trouble than it's worth & puts all his energies into destroying the other 2. Imagine if he had to be a real parent 24/7? Our poor children would be in a right old mess & probably fending for themselves!!! It's really exhausting fighting the hatred isn't it?
Glad all DC are tucked up at home where they should be.
Just so angry & hurt that they lied when it was so important. Really want to give them both barrels (shout, nothing else!!) but that achieves nothing. The penny has now dropped with them that telling lies means that that their brother may not come home & that they may need to go and live there too - harsh but they need to know the consequences of their actions. They seem rather shocked meanwhile I'm still heartbroken by their betrayal. Really not sure what to do for the best anymore. Looking for a shl with experience of such a messed up case. Feel pretty helpless to be honest.
That bastard & his enabling family should've been drowned at birth - sorry if that offends anyone.

Hello all - may I join? Commiserations to everyone in this boat.

I've lurked a bit and been away as radio silence from STBXH meant he wasn't on my mind so much. I let my guard down! Try to do grey rock as much as possible which does help, but sometimes seems to play into his hands - I am "in denial, unwilling to communicate, playing games" etc. Does anyone else find this?

We have issues with DC1 behaviour and recently had a parenting team meeting. I found myself trying to hold back rage - don't think I came across very well - as this manipulative arse said I was difficult to talk to and that he only wanted the best for kids etc. This is the man who changed the subject any time I tried to talk to him about parenting, cut me off or befuddled me by changing the path of a conversation to something designed to make me angry. Now he plays the victim and accuses me of being bitter and that he has to walk on eggshells as I will accuse him of being the source of DC's problems. OMG!!

Apologies for ranting but I have no idea how to pull myself together for next parenting meeting. Am so angry! But again feel I am playing into his hands, need to find a way to talk without emotion, easier said than done!

Just feel all will be better when he moves out, but he's a stubborn bastard and won't go even though we're all suffering.

By the way, what is WN? Think I missed that bit of thread, need to start from beginning again!

ddrmum You've been through such a huge event I should imagine you don't know what to feel just now. I can see that you would feel betrayed by your 2 dc. You know how manipulative your ex is, and they're only children, but I'm sure I would feel the same. It's the sheer unfairness of it all. Hopefully if you can find the right lawyer you'll start to be able to see a way forward.

As for your remark about ex and his family - no offence taken here. There's that quote about some lives leaving a mark, others just a stain. From what I've read your ex is just that, an insignificant, grubby stain whose time in this world will have been a waste of DNA.

Welcome Ollivander Sorry to see you are still living with your STBXH. Another one who only wants what's best for his kids. Not enough to move out though eh ? As for your meeting. I haven't had any experience of this sort of thing. I only text my ex. I find being slightly pompous and treating him like a child who needs everything...said......slowly suits me best ! Could you imagine it's like a business meeting at work, and he's a difficult colleague with whom you need to tread carefully?

WN stands for Wank Narc - which I believe was created by Greencar ? Apologies if it wasn't you Greencar. Several of us have nick names for our ex's - mine is Twat. But WN has become the generic name for these delightful creatures.

DD - I have been reading your thread too. The situation sounds horrendous. You sound strong, intelligent and above all you are putting the children first. I'm sorry you are going through this hell, but I really believe his twatish behaviour may actually be his final undoing. Hang in there please. We are all here if you need an outlet.

Olli - I struggled in meetings like these. Enormously. It is a huge relieve to me I don't ever share the same air as my X now. Mediation was horrendous. I was shouted down and talked over throughout. Someone suggested to me I write the word CALM on the palm of my hand and look at it occasionally. It actually really helped and focused my mind a little when things were tough. Maybe worth a try in the next meeting?

I am afraid I am the inventor of WankNarc. How I wish I was known for greater things

Morning Purple. Sorry I reassigned your WN name to greencar ! I think you should be proud . Hope things have settled down a bit for you now.

I think it was WN spray I had a hand in? I've certainly fantasised about having something like that for a long time!

You should definitely be proud purple. It's actually really useful to have a generic term to use, as using our own specific ones could be quite outing.

Hello to everyone new, sorry you have to join us. ddrmum I can't find your thread, would you be able to link? I don't want to ask you to go through it all again, that can be so wearing.

Any news on HJM dusters, did you set a day for him to come back? You're right about almost ex, thank you, I just don't have the energy or space to deal with it, or the painful conversation that could lead to, at the moment.

No prizes for guessing the person behind that is. WN in yet another of his prize parenting moments has mentioned overnights to DC. We've had no discussion of it, and he's just gone ahead anyway, while trying to hoover me. The worst thing about that is when he was nice there was a twinge of it working! How does that still happen? I know he's a complete and utter selfish twat, but underneath there's still this vague feeling of 'if he'd just done xyz we'd have had such a lovely family'.