Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

I know Nats, I have more tea in my veins than blood, so it's a worry !

WTF was going on with that beard ?! Was he a lumberjack ? Don't tell me he was one of the lead singers in ZZ Top !

Could I ask your opinion ladies, please. Xmas play coming up for dc, 3 performances, each child's family allocated total of 2 tickets. Twat isn't signed up to dc newsletter/parentmail. The only way he'll know about the play is when/if dc tells him. Dc told me last night that the ticket forms were about to come out. He said it'll be awkward if you and dad go together. I said we wouldn't be, and asked if he'd told dad about it. He said no, but I'm going to. So..... bearing in mind he's refusing to sign a form that is massively inconveniencing me. Do I just order 2 tickets and take one of my parents -- my original plan. Or, do I do the decent thing and get dc to ask dad tonight if he's coming. I will then complete the form. It's no effort, costs nothing, but why should I even consider twat ? Then again I'm sure dc would like him to be there.

Oh gosh Purple I hope he is. Love the idea he's a time travelling Victorian "servicing" (cough,cough) single ladies. No such luck at the moment

Hmm not sure dusters if DC wants dad to be there then I'd reckon best to ask dad if he wants to go, but otherwise nope. I didn't tell my ex about DD's daycare event because really didn't want him there and she didn't notice or care.

I can't help much with this dilemma dusters , I will have similar. I missed my DC's first nativity because WN insisted on going. And one Christmas Day. This year I envisage him insisting his WN(mother) go. So again I will miss out. - His DM is more successfully married to him than I ever was and her wishes are the most important in his eyes.

Thanks Nats and Purple. He just picked them both up. I reminded them of the dates and times, and I'll see if they ask tonight. Depending on what they say I'll take it from there. Purple - how come you don't get to go at all, is there only one ticket per family?

Purple my WN(ExMIL) is similarly more married to my WN than I ever was. She used to say that if exFIL died we'd have to live together and she'd look after control the whole house. I'd basically bring in money and be used for her to wipe her shoes on. She was instrumental in us breaking up as I'd started to refuse to go around. New GF, according to DD, "sucks up to nan to make her happy". Great, she can take both narcs on 😂😂

Dusters isn't it your WN job to ask the school to contact him - I don't see why it's your job. Having said that if your DC asks him then I can see you can get caught up with this.

For MrH-J I'd definitely find a few more jobs that need doing in your home. Is there anything that you need his advice on that requires a longer chat with sit down somewhere nice?

Nat your WN lumberjack may need ultra-strength WN spray to get through the hair. Was he like Bear Grylls or more like Gandolf in The Hobbit?

2012 good you're back, how are you?

Sorry I've been a bit absent.

to you all. What's the update on the gorgeous handyman then?

Ooh Lilac that's a bit spooky. This has probably come up before but twat's dad was instrumental in our split. Maybe your ex-mil should meet twat's dad- they'd probably hit it off !

You're 100% right about it being WN's job to contact the school re the play. It's only become something for me to think about because ds mentioned it. He's too young to be able to liaise between school and twat. If he wasn't I'd just say sort it out with dad.

Mr HJM's job is outside. He suggested some more work he could do, and I do have something to add to the list, which of course I'll have to pop round to tell him about . He's hard to read. He's either telling his friends that he's being stalked by a strange woman who never stops talking. Or, he's thinking to himself, Is that Dusters person flirting with me ? Poor sod !

As to Nats ex, I'm thinking much more Gandolph than Grylls. Although I did once watch Grylls skin a seal and then make it into a wet suit which given your ex's 2 weeks in the woods kind of puts him in that camp

Hi Ohb and 2012

Dusters I bet my exMIL and your exFIL would talk and say that they had such unreasonable exDILs, after all we're women with our own minds bringing up considerate DCs so don't fit their 'mould'.

Could your mutual friend help with some background on Romeo or could it be embarassing to ask?

...and seal wersuit makes me too.

Dusters My choice. I feel sick if I am anywhere near him - his lies and the damage he has tried to cause for me & my DCs just disgusts me. And his mother - OMG another whole story.... let's just say that as much as it absolutely breaks my heart to miss these special things it would be even worse for me to be near these people.

.... there won't be a discussion about it. Mummy comes first in his eyes and that will never change. The day before our wedding his M told me he wouldn't turn up at the church !!! (He did - maybe that was unfortunate now given how he turned out!!) - but her intention was to cause as much hurt and worry as possible and overshadow my day.

Hey all. I've NC just cos, well I don't know really. Probably because I have posted about frivalous stuff this afternoon under my usual name so far. I have followed these threads although not written too much about my own WNarc ex in detail.

Basically he has done the ultimate selfish thing and removed himself entirely from the situation.
I mean entirely. Physically removed himself.
So much so that I had to be told by the police just how much last week. He was properly 'gone' by Monday.

He was a drinker and thise issues meant I had to keep my children away from him. They weren't great admirers of his because of his behaviour but instead of changing his ways he decided to leave, forever.
Strange feelings such as anger, relief, sadness for my children because of such an utterly selfish act. Never paid a penny, didn't leave a note. I had to tell my eldest and now tonight I have to tell a 5 year old.

I don't tend to sugar coat things which is why my two can and will cope. They've had to. I never said 'Daddy is just a bit late' when he didn't turn up with no explanantion, I always told it as it was.

Still, this is what I'm left with now. Luckily I have two strong girls and a supportive loving partner.
I actually really don't know why I'm writing this here! I will still frequent the boards though because I truly understand how messed up and destructive these people can be.

So yeah, I hope everyone is ok. Wish me luck!

Thanksfor wow that's such selfish behaviour... he's given no support in any way and, rather than make amends, he is fully destructive. It's good that you have a new life with your DDs. I hope that you have some happy normality from now on.

Feel free to post more on here, as he may still be in your 'head' for some time yet?

Oh god ThanksFor I assume you mean he has "gone" in the most final way possible. I can't imagine what that conversation with your 5 year old will be. You say your dc can and will cope, so good you've given them that resilience. And thank goodness for you that you have your supportive partner.

Thanksfor so sorry to hear that. I had a bf when I was 18 who was extremely physically abusive. He made my life hell for years. After many years of silence last year very suddenly he died, he was only in his 40s. I really grieved. I even went to his grave and talked to him - I felt compelled. It felt bizarre and wrong and very confusing so many years later but obviously he was a part of my life for years. Life has a funny way of messing with your head sometimes. I wish you luck and send for what is a difficult time for you, especially with children. For me, even though I had nothing to do with him for years and years, I realised that I didn't expect it to be the end of our story, I didn't want him back or anything like that, but the finality of it all was a shock. I can't imagine how you are feeling with DCs. Look after yourself.

Purple I understand now what you meant. What a wicked woman to say that to you on your wedding day. Some people are just truly f*ing nasty, and it's a shock when they come into your life. I could bear to be in my ex's presence (at a distance) if push came to shove. But not his father. I am very tolerant and easy going (I think) but the red mist would descend. It actually scares me to think how much I despise him. It goes against all my values, but he's like a wrecking ball in people's lives.

Lilac I actually got on well with my in laws until I called them out on their behaviour and then stood up for myself. So, I think I'll be down as a disappointment, a shock, a feminist etc, etc. Like you say, fancy having your own mind ! And yes, I shall ruthlessly exploit our mutual acquaintences for info on the other subject !!

thanksfor wow that is the ultimate selfish WN thing to do to your children but at least they're better off without him. Must be very difficult explaining it to them though, can't imagine it.

My ex is definitely more Gandalf, hair reached all down his back too! He cut it all off though a couple of years after I left him (wheras I changed my hair style within a month of leaving him - I hadn't had my hair cut in the entire time we were together because we "couldn't afford it" he just grew his because he's weird)

Nats That conjures up just the craziest image ! I'm thinking Cousin It from the Addams family, the one just completely covered in hair down to the ground. And for you, Yoko Ono, in her bed sit-in phase ?!

Dusters you clearly understand with your xFIL just how I feel with my xMIL. It is a confusing scenario because half of my concerns about her were situations explained to me by my XH - and he now completely denies any of them. Perhaps he lied?? It is a possibility, I couldn't pick a day in 10 years when he has been honest (with the benefit of hindsight).

On a windy day I reckon I was Cousin It... actually has memories of having her hair tousled up as a teenager and then getting called Cousin It

Nat love the reminiscing of being hippie-ish. I used to wear lots of black, lots of black eyeliner too sometimes mixed in with red lipstick so even lips were dark. I couldn't get away with that now!

I dressed like a hippie in my 6th form years, clothes sourced from second hand shops and the back of my mum's wardrobe. She gave me the multicoloured crocheted poncho she made in the tail end of the 60s. Was bloody brilliant.

Purple I can't explain the background to my x-fil as it's too outing. Over the years I watched from the sidelines as he tossed people aside. People he decided had transgressed, not come up to his standards. We got on, but I knew there was "something nasty in the woodshed", as the saying goes. Then he turned on one of the people dearest to me in the world, pulling others in to his nasty little web. I still have to see the fall out in the people involved.

And my ex ? He sat there while his father tried to lord it over me, trying to question and belittle me. I wiped the floor with him. He wasn't used to having anyone stand up to him, let alone younger and female. I went nc a couple of days later. My only regret is that I didn't know it would be the end, and the last time I'd see his dad. If I'd known I would have really gone for him, with a few more home truths.

Just wanted to say morning Frog if you're around. If you managed to return to your holiday I hope it's going well.

Hi to everyone else. Dc returned last night from twats. He has said what day he wants to see the xmas play. So, I will order 2 tickets and dc can pass it to him when it arrives. I'll be doing it through gritted teeth/fingers, but it's to make my child happy, so I can live with that.