Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Thanks frog not sure about anyone else but his behaviour seems to come in flurries. Quiet for a month or so then all on and so on. Usually deal with it ok but a few times a year it just all feels too much. With no bloody end in sight!

No, it's not moaning Swirly, it's good to get it all out now and again. At least his access is restricted, but that sounds so trying.

Mr HJM update : he's here right now ! Just been chatting with him, mainly about the work. He still seems nice, but he clearly has no idea I like him. At least this is an opportunity to get to know him better.

Hi swirly lovely username :)

Can't keep up with all the individual stories sorry, mind very muddled at the moment.
That thing about the road rage, teaching others a lesson by taking risks...so familiar. My DS had more sense of you when he was 3.

Don't know what to think of this so maybe you lovelies will have some insight. X has been hoovering big time of late (for those who don't know the term it's when they start doing all the right things to try and suck you back in, very maniuplative). Now I know why. He tearfully told me the other night during a changeover that he wants to move out of the country, to the other side of the world.

Ok so first internal reaction ressembled something like fireworks, champagne popping and relaxation in every single muscle. Total internal joy. But seconds after, heart re-sunk (must change username it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy) as I thought about how heartbroken DS will be. Not to mention my stepDS who's going through hell as a teenager because X checked out as soon as he stopped feeling adored.

Thinking about it, he spent years convincing me his ex was crazy and it was all a fault that his child was depressed/angry/rejecting him.... She and I now get on well and support each other, keeping our DSs in touch...not enabling Xnumpty just for the brothers' sakes.

So my question I e is, how to react. He says he wants my opinion and was all teary about it when I didn't show any hostility to it. I've gone through my checklist of how to react:

• uninteresting emotional reaction "I can't give you an answer now but will get back to you on that"
• quiet, solemn voice
• no information on what I intend to do
• factual "if you do decide then we'll have to get the custody agreement changed"

to which, surprise surprise, the tears dried up.

But what to do for DS? He'll really really miss him. X is a selfish, gaslighting cheat but he truly loves our DS and shows it, often does interesting stuff with him when he's not got better things to do and seems to genuinely take an interest in his feelings (another way of showing he's capable just WON'T do it for any woman he's close to, pff). And this is bang at the age when wee boys need their fathers, i.e. pre-teen. I can see him needing to get a man's perspective when before he would always say he couldn't talk to daddy. He's had moments of angst and is definitely up and down mood-wise. Though that may be from spending time with X's toxic family...

Do I respond to his request for my opinion by saying it would be best he stayed around until at least DS is past the teenage years? He doesn't HAVE to go, he WANTS to go and I reckon it's cause his GF left recently. He definitely doesn't want to be the "bad guy" here and, as usual, has handed me his shit to deal with? Do I hand it back to him and gently fade away (I know it's probably best) or do I tell him that I genuinely think DS will suffer? I don't even know if he will. Getting mixed responses from the few RL friends who get it.

As swirly says, it's relentless. When you can't go NC for the sake of the children, they'll always find a way to keep the bond alive, however unhealthy that bond is for both parties

multiple typos sorry...

Sorry not to answer last post but have just been told by provider that my internet is going down for the next 8 hours for service !! See you all later - thinking of you Frog !

Swirly are you in Australia ? I actually found the one sensible judge there who let me go and threatened dickhead with an application for costs if he didn't pack it in. If you're not happy there might be worth an application

Green I was referred to them by the police months ago but stopped going ( stupidly) when everything went quiet.

Told him he can speak to DS once a week until I see my solicitor. Then I will go on what she Recommends.

Hope everyone is well. Frog any updates?

Seems my call was a hoax so internet is fine.

Having a think about your post Mysinking That's a really tough situation. I assumed he had to go, was amazed when I saw it was his choice, given he has a ds and stepds.

😡😡😡😒😒😒😪😪😪

I need time to process the utter vileness but that's it for now.

Oh Frog

Thanls for replying dusters. Hard to explain why he has a choice as that would mean saying more about his job and outing myself. Suffice to say he's in an industry where he can work for himself.

Wish I could be more helpful here but this latest development is bringing lots of past hurt back up. The place he wants to move to is where he had a week-long affair while working. His "reason" was that "I'd made him angry" and he'd decided he "wasn't married any more". I know. That was precisely this time of year in 2012.

Contributing to another thread about infidelity. What gets me is not so much the act as the twisted "logic" the spew out afterwards. So obvious now I'm out of it.

Don't know what I ever saw in him. It was like being under a nasty spell.

Sorry not very cheery today. Hoping you're all doing ok.

Frog not up to date but whatever it is I believe you it’s vile...

Thinking new job as hit woman

Mysinking Hard as it will be, I don't think you should tell him your opinion on his move. I doubt he will actually take it into account when coming to a decision. He's probably already decided. Whatever you say will probably be thrown back at you at a later date "Well you said he'd miss me so not to go..." "You said it was my life, so go if I wanted to...."

Only you know if he values your opinion. Is he trying to off load his guilt by essentially asking you what he should do ? With a normal person you would run through the positives and negatives. But we know we're not dealing with normal here. The fact he can even think of going and leaving two dc is breathtaking. I personally wouldn't become part of his decision process.

I think my answer would be along the lines of "What I think isn't the issue here. If this is something you're considering you need to think of all the ramifications. I can't be part of the process."

Interesting he told you at handover. Surely something so major deserved a phone call, letter, chat away from the dc ?

x-post with you Mysinking. Given the further detail about him, I would be even more inclined to refuse to be part of his decision making. He sounds spectacularly selfish and actually quite ruthless.

Frog

swirly just a thought but if he's taken you to court so many times can't you take action against him for harassment? I'm not a lawyer but surely after so many cases...So sorry for you, the whole legal side of things makes an already traumatic situation so much worse.

Wish we could all have a rl chat, their ears would burn straight off!!

You've summed it up perfectly dusters

He knows his timing is wrong. I think the choice of handover to tell me was also irresponsible as he knew DS was around so I couldn't but listen quietly, he knows I won't get upset in front of him.

And I think I'll stay put of it like you say. That was my gut instinct so you've helped me identify why, thank you.

And whatever I do, if DS has teenage trouble it'll be all my fault as it has been with the mother of his eldest. He's going through a really rough patch and his mum is struggling big time. All x has to say is "I feel so uninvolved" ie not to blame...hopeless.

Swings from victim to dominator but each time it's to get his needs met. I just don't get their hard wiring, really messed up thought processes.

Sorry Frog

I'm frightened of saying too much in case I'm discovered here

Oh frog do you have people in RL to talk to?

Frog you don't have to say anything, we're just with you. The last thing you need to worry about is this not being a safe space for you.

I totally get what you say about their hard wiring Mysinking. I've learnt a lot from Frog on this thread about remembering that they do think differently, that you cannot apply the normal rules. I found it disconcerting at first, but now its almost a relief. I can stop trying to have normal interactions.

Frog sending negative wishes to your WN. Make sure you share in RL and give yourself a break from anything non-essential.

Mysinking I agree with others that I wouldn't give a WN answers for their decisions. my WN asked financial advice on car recently completely out of the blue. We usually communicate by text, him twisting things me keeping to as few words as possible. I knew that whatever I said could be used against me, so I acted blankly: As though I didn't have a clue. Can you use that approach, for example repeat what he says as a question. He says "I'm thinking of leaving", you say without emotion "you're thinking of leaving?" He says "DS will be upset", you say something non-commital like "I see". Ultimately, it's all on him not you.

Swirly if we had a WN spray away spray in RL we could send it all over the globe. WN on every continent I'm sure.

Dusters have you dropped in hobbies / walking / cinema in to chat with Mr H-J? Something like "it's a bit cold outside but the Autumn leaves are beautiful aren't they?" Gap for him to agree. Then "I haven't beeen to X or Y for a while, bet that's good this time of year"...you never know

Yes I guess that's the crux of it dusters
As soon as I start feeling deflated, confused, gutted by his behaviour I know I've let my guard down and started expecting a normal grown-up reaction from him.
I seem to be ok at protecting myself and it helps that I truly don't find him the least bit attractive. But when it affects DS it's always much more unnerving.

Yes that's probably the best route lilac thanks. Have to pull myself up and persuade myself DS will be alright.

I can see the future of me dealing with the teenage angst, homework and support while he plays disney dad in a foreign country where its perma holidays. But something tells me DS won't fall for it all of the time, he's a wise wee soul.

Must be exciting re HJ dusters :)