Mn please help me figure this out - DP asking dad before proposing

[sadandanxious]

So DP and I have recently been discussing the possibility of getting married at some point in the future. I've always said I want him to ask my dad before proposing to me. He can't understand why and thinks it should be between us two, not him and my dad first. He has said he will ask my dad but that it feels wrong and feels like it puts pressure on him to do the proposing instead of us having an equal discussion.
I can't explain it to him though, not really. I do actually agree with him that it should be between DP and I but I know my dad would be gutted if he wasn't asked. And I've got it in my head that I'm already ready for marriage whereas he's not quite yet and so I want him to do the proposing so I know he definitely wants it. Does that even make sense though? Also it doesn't sit right with me that my dad needs to give his permission (even though he'd never say no), because it's my relationship and my life. I end up going around in circles in my own head trying to figure it out.

For those who's DP's did ask your father, is that what you wanted and why? Would you have been bothered if he hadn't?

One way to tell whether something is totally sexist bullshit is to imagine it with the sexes reversed.

One example is images in advertising etc:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=2SrpARP_M0o

www.bitrebels.com/design/role-reversal-men-in-classic-pin-up-poses/

If putting a man in the woman's place seems odd, hilarious and downright wrong, then it's sexist bullshit.

Same for this 'asking her dad thing'. The idea of asking a man's mum for permission to marry him seems outrageous doesn't it? Weird and unnatural. Ask yourself why that is.

And really if a man asks his future father-in-law for permission to marry his daughter, then that same man should be returning to ask for permission to divorce, surely?

I wonder if that has actually ever happened in this country.

I can imagine the conversation:

"Sorry about this Trevor but I want to divorce Emma and I wondered if you would give me your blessing. I've been shagging Kayla from work you see, and she's pregnant, so best all round if I have a fresh start. That all right with you? How's the creosoting of the back fence going?"

"Out of curiosity though, everyone on this thread who is against it - who did the proposing in your marriage?"

DH did the proposing, although we'd already started talking about it. But he asked me, not my dad. You know, seeing as it was me he wanted to marry.

kidnapped

No, my dad didn't 'walk me down the aisle' or 'give me away' or any such nonsense.

Nope, no 'giving away' nonsense here.

Dh didn't propose. He had told me he wanted to marry me after 3 months and I laughed. Then we discussed it a few weeks later,my and we decided we wanted to get married.

There was no proposal as such. We went and picked a ring and a chain for him (I think it was a chain he got).

We went out for a meal to celebrate just the two of us.

Kidnapped - your post made me laugh

As I said, when my DH spoke with my father, it was more about informing him that he was going to propose, rather than asking for permission. I totally get why people think this is ridiculous. For me though, I'm still glad that DH put some thought into how he was going to propose, rather than just rolling over in bed with a "Shall we get married then?" or something like that.

Weddings are a minefield and so much energy tends to get put into appeasing certain relatives or whatever, that many women just get swept along in the traditional process. In our case, my (Spanish) mother would never have recovered if we hadn't have had a full Catholic mass. MIL went off on one and invited god knows who from all over the world inc 26 randoms from Argentina, also we had the whole marine unit and their partners, so for me, the actual service and any significance around being "given away" was all lost in the blur of the day!

What happens if the dad says no?

Do you say "fuck you" and marry anyway, or just never marry to "please" him? I'd love to know the answer!

Luckily my dad would just laugh if DP asked for his permission!

Do you say "fuck you" and marry anyway

Hard to believe Jane Austen never included this in any of her novels.

MR BENNET: Elizabeth, I forbid you to marry Mr Darcy
ELIZABETH: Well fuck you daddy-o, I'm doing it anyway
MR BENNET: Seems reasonable. Off you go, then.

kidnapped that's a very good point.

Womanwithaltitude that youtube video is great - if a little depressing.

So DP and I had a discussion about this. I started thinking about how I'd feel if it were DP's DD's future partner asking DP's permission to marry her. We're a long way off that yet with her only being 5 but still, the thought makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I brought it up with DP and he agreed that he'd find it really odd and would wonder why her partner hadn't asked her first as (in DP's words) "it's nothing to do with me as long as they're both happy". So we then got onto the topic of my thoughts with DP asking my dad. After a long discussion about it all I told him I don't want him to ask my dad, I don't even want to inform my parents until we've actually got a date booked as I want it to be something we can share together for a while without having to involve others. In all honesty I think we'd both give some serious consideration to eloping; just us and my stbDSD. We've decided we want to get a few things sorted first (finances wise) but we both would very much like to marry each other in the not so distant future Thank you mn for helping me figure this out. I actually feel so much calmer and more excited now it's just the two of us making a decision rather than even remotely involving my family. Now to figure out if we're both actually serious about eloping...

I have been married for over 20 years. My dh would not have dared to ask my dad's permission! My dad would have laughed, having brought up 4 very independent daughters in the MODERN WORLD!

It's so archaic and (to me) insulting. As someone else said, it's absurd.

Eloping seems like the best option for ensuring you get a wedding day you can actually enjoy, instead of one dominated by drama manufactured by your parents in order to exert control over you.

The fallout when you get back will be hell, but you will have done something for yourself (and your DP) on your own terms for once. The alternative is to continue to appease and have your wedding day ruined.

I would have been very put out if my dh had asked my dad for permission. I get on brilliantly with my dad, but frankly, who I marry has got absolutely nothing to do with him.

DH didn't ask permission but told my Dad he was going to propose and wanted his blessing (although he would have gone ahead without it anyway). Dad was less concerned about giving his blessing and took the Micky out of DH, asked if he thought I'd say yes or not! This was a couple of months before and I didn't find out until after I'd said yes, and asked if he'd asked

My DF raised 2 very independent women. However, DP asked my dad before he asked me. I quite like some traditions. My dad wouldn't have cared if DP hadn't asked him but my DP told both sets of parents that he was planning on asking. It wasn't permission as such. He got my mum in on it so she could figure out what size ring I wear.

I don't feel like a possession at all. My DP and I are very much a partnership of equals and we don't conform to other gender stereotypes. It made me happy so what does it matter to anyone else?

Just read your update; brilliant. Your future happiness doesn't depend on the opinions of your controlling tit of a dad.
All the best for the future.

I'm a dad to two (nearly) adult women; if any future partner of theirs thinks to ask me for my 'permission' to marry them, I'd think poorly of him. I'd think he was a weirdo.

I come from a culture where proposing and asking for the dad's permission are pretty much unheard of. My now DH is British and asked my Dad's permission (using an iPad and a translation app, but that's for another thread!). My Dad looked horrified and said 'but have you asked HER?' Having said that, I'm glad it went the way it did. For someone not used to it, I found it very romantic!

I'm glad you came to that conclusion OP.

Apart from the fact that it would have made me cringe with discomfort, my father would have been gobsmacked to be asked. He would have said 'she's always done precisely what she wanted with no regard to me since she was 5, so I've no idea why you're asking me'.

Quite honestly one might as well have asked the cat.

Fabulous news 😆

Well done op and another giant step out of FOG,,

Nice to see a thread being really helpful and helping someone to clarify their thinking. I hope you and your STBDH are very happy together, and that you are no longer sadandanxious, OP!

This is obvs completely redundant... I proposed to DH, for entirely practical reasons. He insisted on doing it formally and asking my DDad. (DH is from SA and pretty traditional about some things).

I gave my DDad the heads up and he wound DH up, initially saying no

Then he pulled this face and gently said "You need to understand my daughter a little better, son... she hasn't listened to my views or opinion since she left home and that's exactly how it should be"

I was v proud of DDad that day! DH took it as it was meant and he and DDad get on scarily well

That's the thing isn't it tribpot I fear they would ruin our wedding tbh. Though I suspect this is potentially an issue for another thread at some point once we've sorted things out financially.

Yonic whats FOG? I saw it mentioned earlier in the thread and forgot to ask.

Thanks London the username is more related to my poor mental health than this current situation. But it definitely makes me feel less sad and anxious to at least have this sorted in a positive way

My dp did ask my dad but I wouldn't have minded either way and my dad is pretty easy going so would not have minded either. It was nice that he did it though and we both appreciated the thought behind it.