Mn please help me figure this out - DP asking dad before proposing

[sadandanxious]

So DP and I have recently been discussing the possibility of getting married at some point in the future. I've always said I want him to ask my dad before proposing to me. He can't understand why and thinks it should be between us two, not him and my dad first. He has said he will ask my dad but that it feels wrong and feels like it puts pressure on him to do the proposing instead of us having an equal discussion.
I can't explain it to him though, not really. I do actually agree with him that it should be between DP and I but I know my dad would be gutted if he wasn't asked. And I've got it in my head that I'm already ready for marriage whereas he's not quite yet and so I want him to do the proposing so I know he definitely wants it. Does that even make sense though? Also it doesn't sit right with me that my dad needs to give his permission (even though he'd never say no), because it's my relationship and my life. I end up going around in circles in my own head trying to figure it out.

For those who's DP's did ask your father, is that what you wanted and why? Would you have been bothered if he hadn't?

[HapShawl]

I would have hated everyone else knowing my business before I did, as though I weren't a person in my own right

[MrTCakes]

My exdh asked my parents before he proposed to me. My Dad said ok, my Mum said no (but that's another story...). I was 20 and at the time delighted by this grand show of respect. 7 years later and divorced I realise that it was another way of him controlling me and suggesting I don't know my own mind.
If my now partner asked my Dad for my hand in marriage I would think it ridiculous as I am an adult and capable of making my own choices. He wouldn't do it anyway, he sees us as equals and I think one day we'll just have the "shall we get married chat".

OP you need to do what is right for you, not your father.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Unless you are doing some sort of Pride and Prejudice cosplay for your wedding, this is a really weird thing to do, tbh.

[SauvignonBlanche]

My DF (God rest his soul) was an old-fashioned sort and I'm of a feminist bent and I loved the way my DH & DF handled this.

He proposed to me, spontaneously and I said I'd like to tell my parents before we made any other sort of announcement, we phoned and said we were coming up for dinner, (300 mile journey on a Monday night), DF said he'd pick us up at the train station and DF said he'd pick us up.

We stopped off for a drink and DH asked for DH's blessing. I'd have kicked him into touch if he'd asked for his 'permission'.

DF was happy and but I hadn't been reduced to a chattel.

[Bruce02]

Dh always told me he would never do this. He felt like I was a possession not a person.

My dbro asked his girlfriends step dad, which had only been in her life 4 years because she insisted on it and he has always regretted it.

I think it's normal absolutely awful tradition and is the opposite of respect. How many women respect their mil to be and ask permission to marry their son?

[HicDraconis]

DH and I knew we were going to get married at some point after knowing each other for about a week. We waited around ten months before he officially asked me, after which we drove over to my father's house. My lovely dad said "it's not for me to give permission, she's her own person - but my blessings I will give very happily. Look after each other" and opened some fizz :) we went ring shopping together that weekend.

DH wanted to show his respect for my father and discuss it with him not as my owner or keeper, but because my first marriage ended badly and he wanted to reassure Dad that this time would be different. Dad appreciated the gesture and the thought behind it.

His mother I would have asked but their relationship is difficult so we told her. His father already knew without being told, but was still pleased to be asked for his approval of the idea, which he gave without question.

[YonicProbe]

"Unless you are doing some sort of Pride and Prejudice cosplay for your wedding, this is a really weird thing to do, tbh."

[PoldarksBreeches]

It's a revolting tradition that should die a painful death and all credit to your dp for rejecting it. To strong arm him into doing it would be really shit of you.

[Bitofacow]

Forsooth what century are we in?

If you need someone to say if you are allowed to marry can I trust you in a ballot box?

Ffs.

[Bitofacow]

Is your DP posting somewhere?

I want to tell him to run quickly, anywhere, as long as it is away from you.

[YonicProbe]

Really unpleasant, BitOf. Have you read all of OP's posts? This is driven by her overbearing father and she acknowledges it's not logical.

[MaryField]

I find this even more bizarre when the couple have been living together for years and already have children. IME it's usually the women who insist on it. 'It's a lovely tradition' and 'respect' for the father (never the mother) are usually trotted out. It's our duty as mothers to instil in our daughters that this abomination should shrivel up and die! Along with 'giving away' the bride at the wedding.

[ephemeralfairy]

I have never been able to get my head round this. My dad is dead but if he was alive and DP 'asked his permission' then I would have to have a serious think about whether he was right for me.
i would not want to marry a man with such antiquated and quite frankly misogynistic views.

[Madinche1sea]

Hap - no he wouldn't be expecting a girlfriend of either if the DSs to "ask" him, so definitely some hypocrisy afoot.

Tbh, I think for men who feel the need to do this, it's more about seeking their own acceptance, or "smoothing the way", rather than "permission" as such. It's not as if DH would have been deterred if my DF had said no.

[Bitofacow]

As a grown up you stand up to this.
If your father tells you how to run your I life does he tell you how to vote?
These were arguments used to stop women voting. Women do what men tell them to do so what is the point in giving them the vote.
The OPs DP is doing the decent thing he should be supported. We should not support or pander to misogyny.

[HamletsSister]

I told DH if he asked my father for permission, the answer (from me) would be no. My Dad was very pissed off as he wanted it as part of some kind of 19th century ritual. I didn't care.

[LastGirlOnTheLeft]

My dad would have chucked my DH out the window if he had dared to be so disrespectful towards me! At my wedding I walked myself up the aisle, and my dad just beamed with pride!!! And my mum even more so!!! My DH would never have been able to do this, OP - it would have degraded both of us, so I think you should respect your fiancé and leave your dad to sort himself out!!!

[Believeitornot]

What happens if the dad says no?
Or tries to negotiate terms?

Asking the father implies that he gives permission.

Ridiculous

[Nigglenaggle]

Wow I can't believe how common this still is! Thought it went out with the dinosaurs! Not a single person I know has done this, thankfully. I think my Dad's response would be 'erm have you asked Niggle?'
That said OP if it's a moment your Dad has looked forward to his whole life, and he's otherwise a lovely father who respects you and your autonomy, I understand why you want DP to ask him. Could some sort of compromise be reached-could you let your Dad be the first to know after maybe? Let him walk you up the aisle? I'm sure once he got caught up in wedding plans any momentary disappointment would be forgotten.

[DiegeticMuch]

I didn't think that anyone did this any more. Bizarre. He's right to find it absurd.

[gillybeanz]

He's probably expecting your dad to say yes, then state your dowry.

[DeathStare]

Put the feminist arguments about it making you a piece of property to one side for a minute (though I completely agree with them).

This is an intimate issue between you and your DP. A third person should never be brought into intimate issues unless both partners are happy with that. The relationship is between the two of them and it is incredibly disrespectful to try to force one partner to accept a third person's involvement if they don't want that.

How would you have felt if your DP had wanted you to discuss it with his mother and get her agreement before you had sex for the first time? What if that made you feel really uncomfortable but he put pressure on you because he had always imagined that's what would happen, and he was gutted that you didn't want to, and knew his mother would be gutted because she had always imagined that would be what happened?

You are asking the same thing of him. He wants intimate moments in your relationship to be between just the two of you. He did not choose for your dad also to be intimately involved in your relationship. Respect that. If you don't you don't respect him and shouldn't be marrying him.

[Ineededtonamechange]

How about you go together, and say you have decided to marry and please can you have their blessing. That way you are giving a nod to their support in your growing up, but not asking for permission?

I've not read the whole thread though, so this may have been covered...

[thisismyfirsttime]

My DH and I had decided to get engaged/ married between ourselves and it was in no way a traditional proposal. But DH asked my dad out for a drink and didn't ask for my hand or permission but said he was going to ask me to marry him. My dad was over the moon, I have a much older sister with a large age gap who has dc's my dad adores but never married and he was so happy to have been 'involved' (my dm had died 4 years previously) and it cemented DH and DDad's relationship. He was chuffed to feel so important. Although I must add we both knew at the time he'd feel that way and he'd never interfere or say no and DH wasn't asking, rather giving a heads up but it meant so much to my dad that we're both glad he did. We eloped so to speak and got married and told everyone afterwards about 10 weeks after said engagement so he had no other input but that's another story. DH and my dad have more contact than me and dad now!