Mn please help me figure this out - DP asking dad before proposing

[sadandanxious]

So DP and I have recently been discussing the possibility of getting married at some point in the future. I've always said I want him to ask my dad before proposing to me. He can't understand why and thinks it should be between us two, not him and my dad first. He has said he will ask my dad but that it feels wrong and feels like it puts pressure on him to do the proposing instead of us having an equal discussion.
I can't explain it to him though, not really. I do actually agree with him that it should be between DP and I but I know my dad would be gutted if he wasn't asked. And I've got it in my head that I'm already ready for marriage whereas he's not quite yet and so I want him to do the proposing so I know he definitely wants it. Does that even make sense though? Also it doesn't sit right with me that my dad needs to give his permission (even though he'd never say no), because it's my relationship and my life. I end up going around in circles in my own head trying to figure it out.

For those who's DP's did ask your father, is that what you wanted and why? Would you have been bothered if he hadn't?

[Bruce02]

It's not as if DH would have been deterred if my DF had said no.

So there is absolutely no point to this crappy tradition then?

[JulesJules]

Good God, have I woken up in the 18th century? I'm utterly shocked that people still do this, and view it as a 'quaint tradition' about 'respect'. No, it isn't.

[LunaWeaselton]

Some things are done just to make our parents feel important /involved. I had DH ask my dad who replied that it was solely my decision .They had met before this anyway. BUT we both knew he was very happy we had thought of him. ISWYM though about him proposing to show he really wants it . Some say antiquated , I say traditional . Do what your heart tells you, BF should understand your motivations I think

[Bruce02]

I just don't get how seeing your dd treated at a possession, and treating her that way yourself, would make you feel involved?

[itlypocerka]

I clicked on this thread expecting it to be from a woman who had just realised what a misogynistic wanker her DP is because he had the audacity to treat her like a possession by asking her father before he proposed. That would be enough to consider ending the relationship in my view.

I'm a bit gobsmacked that it's the other way around. Your DP is quite right OP it is none of your father's business and his disappointment at not being consulted last time is merely evidence of what a git he is, not an indication of how things ought to be.

[velourvoyageur]

If your DP feels uncomfortable about it (and thank god he does - what a mark of disrespect it is), then he shouldn't have to ask. It's not an essential thing to do, so it's really down to him.

[DeathStare]

Do what your heart tells you

But it isn't the OP doing what her heart tells her is it? It's the OP demanding her DP does something which makes him uncomfortable. Nobody has the right to do that.

[ThatsNoWayToSayGoodbye]

If your dad is controlling and unpleasant, then you absolutely shouldn't be asking him anyway.

Make this the point at which you draw a line under his control of you. Show him that he doesn't have that power any more. Don't willingly give him more!

[ThatsNoWayToSayGoodbye]

If your dad is controlling and unpleasant, then you absolutely shouldn't be asking him anyway.

Make this the point at which you draw a line under his control of you. Show him that he doesn't have that power any more. Don't willingly give him more!

[PassTheCremeEggs]

All those saying it reminds them of being a chattel etc - if you're married, were you walked down the aisle and given away by your father? And if so, how is that different? Just out of interest.

DH asked my father before me. It didn't bother me at all, and wouldn't have bothered me or my dad if he hadn't. Think my dad was quite touched.

[SpareASquare]

If either of my daughters partners asked their dad first I'd know that they didn't really know my girls at all. I'd be disappointed tbh.
It's not 'quaint' or 'respectful' at all and there will be no handing over from one male to another either. Gross.

[Trifleorbust]

I think something is being missed here: not only does he not want to ask your dad, it sounds to me like he would rather there was no proposal from him at all. Does he want to propose? Or does he want you to propose? Is he trying to say he wants to marry by mutual 'getting engaged' agreement? Hard work by the sounds.

[SandyY2K]

We had discussed marriage and my husband proposed to me first, then kind of asked my dad, but he has to do that in our culture/tradition.

A lot of it was formality, because even when I introduced him to my dad, I knew we were getting married. My dad wasn't interested in meeting any boyfriend, that we (sisters and I) weren't marrying.

So all our other boyfriends never met him.

[Bruce02]

were you walked down the aisle and given away by your father? And if so, how is that different? Just out of interest.

My mum and dad walked me down the aisle. They didn't give me away. My mum was really clear on this.

They walked with me. Not escorting me to my new owner. I hate being the center of attention and wanted someone with me.

It's an important moment and I wanted them with me. Like they were there hanging out at the hospital while I gave birth. My dad is one of my best friends and I am close with my mum. I would want then to share all my large milestones.

Neither would ever be offended if I told them I wanted to walk alone.

[Blu]

Quite apart from the symbolism of the whole thing, why are you asking someone you love to do something they feel so uncomfortable with (for good reason ! ) ?

Are you in love with him, or with the wedding?

[Blu]

And I feel for your DP: if he is interested in marriage it will be because he loves you, and probably has feelings about your parents / dad being over bearing. He won't be wanting to take part in an embarrassing charade to pander to your Dad who he sees being overbearing to you. You can't ask your DP to collude in that .

[sadandanxious]

trifle I think (from what he's said previously) that he feels like there should be a mutual discussion about it or that he can propose in his own time without then having to factor in seeing my dad.

The pride and prejudice references made me smile and puts it all into perspective really.

My dad doesn't even see that he's controlling. There are things from when I was growing up that happened (like hitting me and one time he had his hand around my throat pushing me up against a wall saying get the f out of my house when I was 18) and he always blamed me saying there was something wrong with me (because I got angry with his bs) and I should always be the one to apologise etc. Now I've been living away from him for many years and we see each other for maybe a few hours once a month he thinks we have a good relationship and none of the past matters because "Ive calmed down a lot and grown up" ugh.

See, I did say it's totally and utterly illogical and when I say how do I resolve it I mean how do I resolve it in my own head rather than anything else.

Re walking down the aisle, I don't understand that. Why can't husband and wife to be walk down the aisle together and enter their marriage together? And yes I realise how crappy my first post sounds in regards to equal partnership.

[Trifleorbust]

Right then, so you agree with your DP. Just do what you and he want to do. Your dad may not like it but part of you growing up is that he has to lump it.

[YonicProbe]

Ah, OP, your dad is an abuser and you are still stuck in fear and guilt on this point.

It's your relationship, not his. You don't even need to ask him to the wedding if you don't want to.

[Kel1234]

I know to most it's a dated tradition, seen by many as outdated and sexist. But I think ultimately it depends on how much of a traditionalist a person is.
I wanted the very traditional approach with all aspects of the wedding, so for me my then dp asking my dad was the very start of that. Also my dad felt proud that he was included in that way. For me it wasn't a case of "I'm asking for your permission", as even if my dad didn't approve for any reason, the engagement still would have went ahead, as would the wedding, with or without his blessing. It was more the thing of dp saying to my dad "I love your (only) daughter, and I'd like your blessing to ask her to marry me". It was him showing that he wanted my dad to know he'd look after me and make me happy.
He also spoke to my mum and stepdad as well.
And tbh I think if I'd proposed to him, I'd of wanted to speak to his parents first.
But I get why others don't like it as an idea.

[Madinche1sea]

OP - just read your update. Given your dad's past behaviour towards you in the past, you really don't owe him any special consideration. Put it this way, my DF would certainly not have asked for any blessing from a man who had put his hands round my throat - father or not!

I'm sure your DP will propose in his own way in his own time and hopefully he will make this very special because he'll know it's important to you. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[Blu]

Actually, OP, it may be that simply deciding NOT to fit in with your Dad's view helps you resolve it, as in helping free yourself from his abuse and control .

The idea of you and your DP walking down the aisle together is lovely. Make that the model for your wedding, and your marriage, in the way you picture it.

And free your DP from a process which has your Dad looming over it.

See how many posts on MN about ILs have the phrase 'you don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem ' because of the way the DH panders to old patterns of parental control ? Your DP may well be wise enough to get this sorted before marriage.

Imagine his mother had been abusuve, overbearing and interfering . Would you feel happy if he wanted you to go and meet her and ask her for his hand in marriage ?

[NotYoda]

OP

He's more that controlling

He has been aggressive. At some level you must fear that aggression (physical/verbal) again. Not wonder you want to avoid that!

I agree with Blu (and said it myself earlier). This is your chance to realise you are not his child anymore, with your DP's support.

[NotYoda]

Sorry, I ddim not mean "his child", I meant "a child"

[Kidnapped]

OP, at some level you are still trying to get your dad's approval. Despite, or even because, of the way that your father has treated you.

Time to break the cycle.

When you and your DP decide to get married (and it looks like you have both decided anyway, you are just mulling over the best way to let everyone else in on it), then you could maybe let all of your parents know at the same time. Invite them all around for dinner and announce it. This way you have chosen to treat all your parents equally. That's a nice way to start off married life.

If your dad chooses to be unhappy about it then allow him to be unhappy about it.