He's left hand holding needeed

[Alfiemoon1]

Ok so I posted before the thread about making a tit out of myself. Things have continued I get stressed and have a go every time she texts and start the whole argument over again he got naffed off last night and left. He's not come back yet. I am probably being paranoid I just can't help going into a rage every time she texts help. I have recently gone on the mini pill can that screw your head up I have never been a jealous person

So, he's learning it's a fucking, cold, hard world out there without you in it to oil his wheels.

Girlfriend, you have been doing amazingly. You've not posted once about sobbing for England ( like I used to) you have sorted stuff, got on with your life...you haven't needed him...and he knows that.

I'm not saying don't have the tosspot back. That's your decision.

I am saying...give him a bit more hardship. It's only just starting to bite him in the bum. Now let him feel it.
Winters coming. Everything is much worse when the nights are bitter, days are shorter.
Being at his mothers won't be ideal. She's got your problems. Creeping round the house during the day so he can sleep. She's not going to want that for ever is she.

Sometimes the most powerful thing to do is to do nothing.
That's how I would treat him.
Cut off his oxygen supply.

If he rings...I'm not ready to talk to yet.

If he wants to meet up..I'm not ready to see you yet.

Let him See and feel his world...without you in it. Let him really grieve for what he once had and what he didn't protect and treasure.

You can do this and if others find out good. You can hold your head up...it's him who is the loser.

I've spoken to a few rl friends and they think I am over reacting that she's just a friend. These are my friends not joint friends with him. They can slightly see why I might be annoyed at the picture comment. They don't understand why I am obsessing over her and think I am an idiot for throwing 22 years together. They agree we need to work on our marriage spend time together which we both agree. I am so confused

She is not just a friend. Find a book on line called not just friends.

She has become a third in your marriage. Even if it was all innocent, he put her and her feelings before you. He lied to you. He kept secrets from you.

He still is. Actions speak louder than words. He can say I love you, she is just a mate bit someone who loves you do something over and over he knows hurts and upsets you?

You can bend yourself into all sorts of shapes, try and forget all this, not look at his phone etc. As long as he is still texting her and lying to you he is not working on your relationship.

You are 'obsessing' with her because she has held a screen up to what your H really cares about you and your feelings.

They may be your friends but they're too close to advise objectively, they'll be thinking how it will affect them if you leave him, also people don't like change. All but 2 of my friends were the same, 1 of those is a very blunt type but very unselfish, the other had also been cheated on do could see from my point of view.

The rest after the split - some I discovered weren't loyal friends, some were genuinely shocked when after 8 YEARS he admitted it.

You're friends might even have the same unhealthy attitude to relationships that you do. It might be one of the things you all have in common and it's why you're all friends. I'm not sure I'd be taking advice from them?

But apart from that what we have now is you transferring using the children as an excuse to not consider a future alone, to now using your friends.

If you want to stay with him then do it. Own it. Live it. But pls stop trying to use other people as your excuse for doing so.

Can I ask you once again if there are cultural reasons for you being so ashamed, and being so scared of ending your marriage

When I was a marriage guidance counsellor we used to bring difficult cases to case discussion group.
We kept the people anonymous obviously but we brought the case for feedback from the other counsellors who never met the couple concerned.

This is what it's like on mn. Getting feedback from the case you are presenting.
Your friends are too close to you and are minimising what he's done.

That's why it's good to do nothing. If you do nothing you take a more objective view with ample space and time to see how exactly he is going to behave.

Meanwhile keep beavering away getting financials sorted in case you decide to take the next step.

Remember you didn't chuck 22 years away...he did.

The point is do you keep flogging a dead horse ? I meet people in their 50's and 60's through work and they call me a baby at 41 which I certainly don't feel but anyway. It's a case of do you spend the next 22 years feeling this way or start a fresh. I won't lie I go from highs to lows as a single woman, Sometimes life is shit as it was when I was married, but sometimes it's bloody amazing which it never was when I was married

Just got back from the yard and she was there she is never there at weekends which was part of one argument and she is never there in the evening. I just ignored her was chatty with everyone else and acted really happy. Totally wasn't expecting to see her

You handled that really well. It couldn't have been easy. You'll never know why she was there but the fact is she was and you handled it well.

💐

I presume she must of had the day off work as he has deleted his messages I have no idea what he has said to her. She kept looking over at us but didn't make any attempt to speak to me or dd or anyone she just got on with mucking out. I wonder if she will text dh later to tell him

And are you going to spend your life wondering ? Just saying

V has just text dd to apologise if she seemed rude by not talking to us she was tired and didn't speak to anyone just got on with her jobs and she doesn't want it to be awkward between us. Pfft she shouldn't be using my daughter to pass on messages. Dd asked her dad to text v something about the arrangement v is still doing turn outs this week and he refused

I don't get it. Why wouldn't v text you directly, is she worried you might ask her something about your husband? And why is DD asking her dad to text V when clearly your daughter and V are in contact directly?

Just block her !

I don't know but as I don't know what v and dh have been texting all week of course it's going to be awkward if I see her. But I am trying to keep my kids out of this so didn't appreciate her texting dd like this.

She didn't text me pissssssedoff she text dd

Block on daughters phone NO need to be texting daughter plus that's a crap reason to do so.

She has to text dd about the horse as dh has agreed to stay out of it Shame he refuses to stop the general chit chat messages

Thought yard owner was helping with horse? I wouldn't want her help any more

She is away until next week so v still doing turn outs this week

You did well Alfie
Be proud of yourself

So it seems dd is also deleting her text to v. Tonight I am angry at v yes I know it's the wrong person but how dare she not expect an atmosphere at the yard she's been texting my dh sending him pics texting him even when he's at his mums because of her surely us woman stick together even if nothing is going on surely she would say u have left your wife and kids I am friends with your dd I am out of here sort your shit out with your wife but no they continue to chat and then she wants me to be pally with her at the yard wtf.

Alfie this is just to say I read your post but I've had a couple of glasses of wine and Im not sure I'd make much sense if I replied

I'm sorry it's all so horrible right now.

It's a sad fact but all three of the women my ex cheated on me with knew all about me and the kids, one of them met my children and basically they don't give a fuck. You've got to start fighting back for your family, this is getting ridiculous now. Have you spoken to DD ?

It's like this whole situation is a big web. I can't describe it but if people would be more transparent then you might have a clearer picture. Why is DD deleting her texts to V? It's like you are still on the outside looking in!