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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's left hand holding needeed

464 replies

Alfiemoon1 · 04/11/2016 08:46

Ok so I posted before the thread about making a tit out of myself. Things have continued I get stressed and have a go every time she texts and start the whole argument over again he got naffed off last night and left. He's not come back yet. I am probably being paranoid I just can't help going into a rage every time she texts help. I have recently gone on the mini pill can that screw your head up I have never been a jealous person

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/11/2016 21:14

Interesting evening at the yard not one person has a good word to say about v. She uses people. The reason she doesn't do evening is she doesn't want to take her son after school well I have to take mine we sit in the kitchen and do his homework. She doesn't do weekends as doesn't want to go before work she only starts at 11 am and only lives 15 minutes walk away she is banned for drunk driving and she's to tired after work boo hoo we all go after work. Nobody will do her horse as it kicks mainly in summer when it doesn't want to come in and it turns out she doesn't have insurance so if it did injury u u wouldn't get any compensation. Someone else is reporting her to the owner about that. It also seems she has prayed on a sad middle aged man before she got one of the other girls dad doing her horse even though he doesn't do his daughters horse and he lent her £400 to pay her rent and never paid it back.

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/11/2016 21:17

Dd told dh all this and he just said something like I speak as I find and I don't have a problem with her she's nice lol

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ohdearme1958 · 15/11/2016 21:22

Alfie, whoa, hold your horses!

Hearing this gossip about her is not going to make you feel better. In fact I think you'll find people will talk about her but then behave with her as if they'd never said a bad word about her and you're going to end up feeling even more confused.

Concentrate on making the days as good as they can be for you and the children. And don't forget it takes two to tango and the person you should also be remembering in this is your husband who shaved his pubes in preparation for a roll in the hay with V.

I used to think Jilly Cooper made all her stories up. Now I'm not so sure.

Pisssssedofff · 15/11/2016 21:41

DD told DH ? Am I missing something is DD an adult or a kid ? Wtf is a child doing involved in all this ?

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/11/2016 21:42

The point I was making is that she takes advantage of people she did the friendly chats with the other girls dad and he ended up doing her favours. I didn't bring up any problems with v and we had a great evening at the stables dd enjoyed her ride she was updating her dad as he is going there tomorrow morning and mentioned the stuff that was said about v. Yes he is to blame for falling for her charms and that's why he is still at his mums he obviously doesn't realise she is using him

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/11/2016 21:46

Yes she was involved in the chit chat at the yard we called at his mums as she needed to give him instructions about tomorrow and she told him what the others had said. Nothing about my marriage was mentioned at the yard nobody knows just people pissed off that v doesn't pull her weight.

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ohdearme1958 · 15/11/2016 21:47

Alfie. In the grand scheme of things it matters not a jot that she takes advantage of others though I do understand how the information will give you some comfort.

The fact is your husband fell for it hook line and sinker. So it's great he's still at his mums. And long may you and your DD have fun at the yard.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/11/2016 21:48

It's dd horse she is friends with the other people there they were talking about v behaviour at the yard and towards her horse nothing about me and dh

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/11/2016 21:50

I am just glad we got out of the arrangement as it was dh who committed us to every weekend which was one of our many arguments over the last few weeks

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magoria · 16/11/2016 11:53

You know the sad little middle aged man is you H right?

And have you checked your accounts for money 'lent'?

More fool him if he is happy to throw away a decent wife and relationship for a drunk driving, lazy, slacking user.

You deserve better.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 00:10

Judging by his google searches on his phone I don't need to worry about him fancying v as she's not Asian found numerous searches for live Asian web chats lol none of us are Asian I am as pale as can be and v is fake tanned permanently

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Iamdobby63 · 17/11/2016 09:54

I wouldn't put too much faith in she not being his type, lots of men may have a preference but if a woman is willing they will often 'manage' LOL

When did you see the live web searches? I'm afraid I feel those are one step away from an affair. I'm not a prude, don't mind regular porn but this would be a no from me.

How are you feeling now?

Iamdobby63 · 17/11/2016 09:55

Ps, it's human nature for you to enjoy hearing negative things about V, just don't put all your focus on it.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 14:40

I am not sure how I feel tbh there was of searches that had been blocked by our internet provider no idea what these were it just says access denied. We have it on due to dc so maybe this is all he can access. I don't particularly like him watching porn on his phone but I know most men do it so just let it go but I was shocked it was mainly Asian girls on webcams I don't know why but that seems worse than watching a regular porn film. I also looked on his fb and his top search was of course v.

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 17:14

I checked his email at the same time he never looks at them and nothing to suggest he's on dating websites

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 17:28

He seems to have Arabic and Asian porn on his likes on twitter could he be following the links. I don't use twitter have no idea how it works

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chillyogawine · 17/11/2016 17:40

afternoon1, you are not being paranoid. If there is nothing going on, why exclude you from the relationship. Of course men and women can be friends but this is a new relationship, not someone he's known for ages and they are already sharing a lot of fairly intimate stuff. If nothing else its an emotional affair. And the very fact its upsetting you should make him think about his actions and whether perhaps he should pull back from this woman. I guess its about trust and communication. Maybe you can text him saying that you value him and your relationship and can he please come home and talk to you about it.
Also showing you the texts is good that he's open but he can also delete any texts he doesnt want you to see or use whatsapp for conversations he doesnt want you to see.

Iamdobby63 · 17/11/2016 17:59

Sadly he appears to have been seeking 'something' elsewhere rather than work on his marriage.

Good job he has gone.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 18:34

I don't know whether to ask him to remove it from twitter as I am not even on there let alone following him and I can see it not sure if dd is on there but he is followed by his niece and some of dd friends

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Iamdobby63 · 17/11/2016 18:48

They will only see it if the look through who he follows or if he retweets or has a conversation with the porn.

But, it is quite natural for people to look to see who else the follow, there was a thread somewhere on here about a teacher who also follows porn on twitter and the parent was concerned and contemplating letting the school know.

So yes, it is rather vomit inducing that he would have porn and his daughters friends in the same platform.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 19:36

I rang him about it and of course he denied it says it's a twitter glitch he never goes on it apparently but he will remove it

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 19:48

He of course denied the porn on his browser history til I sent him a picture I took of it on my phone then said so what I like porn I said that is different to live sex chats to which he said he didn't know what they were and he's never been on them lol it's there in black and white on more than one occasion

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 19:51

I hate him right now I am so angry with him and feel just as crap as when he first left

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 17/11/2016 19:56

Of course it's my fault in his eyes I had no right to be looking at his phone and if we had sex more often maybe he wouldn't need the porn lol

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zznotxy · 17/11/2016 20:07

Alfie. Not your fault (repeat to yourself). Is it your fault you aren't Asian as well? As with many, many of these situations it is communication breakdown based - not that it absolves his response to the situation in any way. I have been on both sides of this, if you want to put this back together the pair of you need to call 'time out' and start with a blank sheet. I know that is harder for you as you have been wronged. Of course, you are quite entitled to decide not to put it back together and go your own way. I feel for you, good luck with whatever you decide to do.