He's left hand holding needeed

[Alfiemoon1]

Ok so I posted before the thread about making a tit out of myself. Things have continued I get stressed and have a go every time she texts and start the whole argument over again he got naffed off last night and left. He's not come back yet. I am probably being paranoid I just can't help going into a rage every time she texts help. I have recently gone on the mini pill can that screw your head up I have never been a jealous person

Having moments like this is expected, there will be ups and downs - you do deserve better.

You are doing really well.

I would always suggest you use a solicitor, although I have heard people manage this themselves, perhaps start another thread asking that quesrion, or ask over in legal.

Of course you feel sad!

It is very easy for us to all say he is a shit and you are better off without him, but... you have a shared history, fun, laughter, the DCs.

This isn't what you want or really chose. It is forced upon you through his actions and showing how little he really cares for you. He has thrown you, what you feel for him and all the ways you have shown you love him onto the scrap heap over a 'friend'.

It is a massive realisation to find out your world isn't what you thought it was.

I think you are making the right choice. I hope it works out and you are happier after this.

He's randomly moved back in ? Says it's his home he lives here and insists he has done nothing wrong it was just text messages between friends and I just need to get over it. Its a joint mortgage so I don't think I can make him leave

He obviously got bored waiting for you to beg him to come home, although I think the truth is closer to her making it clear she is not interested.

It's up to you what you do, you don't have to share a bed with him or wash or cook for him and you can see a solicitor and start proceedings.

I wish I could just get over it I hate all this I've lost half a stone and I was only 5 and a half stone to begin with. V is no longer leaving the yard and although they have agreed not to contact each other he has now put a passcode on his phone which makes me feel he is still being secretive. I wish I could forget it and not be bothered by it all and just carry on instead of splitting up my family but I can't

Wow he really doesn't give a shiny shit about you or your feelings at all does he!

I would take this as complete proof and move along with your plans to divorce as soon as you are able to. You cannot make him move out until you do it legally. So you need to start the ball rolling and now see a solicitor to see what your rights are. Once you do this you may be able to make it not his home.

In the meantime tell him you are no longer a couple and you are not responsible for cooking, cleaning or doing any of the stuff you used to when you were a couple. Did he run out of clean clothes?

If you can put a lock on your door. You have the right to privacy and the least he should do is respect this.

What a nasty selfish man he is turning out to be.

he works nights so I hardly see him anyway and would only have to share a bed with him on his nights off. He seems to be acting like everything is normal told me once again they were nothing but friends and I should move on. I rarely cooked for him anyway as he eats at work. He can't see why I have a problem with all this

How would you ever be sure he has returned home for all the right reasons?

Has he said he has come home because he missed you and that saving your marriage is important to him? Is he asking you for ways this can be resolved?

He says he has come home because he wants to be with me. He has apologised for some of the things he has said and admits he dug his heels in about me complaining about his friendship with v. He insists that's all it ever was and he felt like he shouldn't be told who he can and can't be friends with. I have asked about the content of the deleted text and he said it was mostly chit chat but as we were arguing and I was apparently arguing with v and she was arguing with everyone at the yard they were both angry and may have said things they didn't mean. Which of course is doing my head in. He says I need to move on from this nothing happened or will happen I need to trust him stop snooping at his phone. He says he hasn't spoken to her in a week which i probably believe as they still aren't friends on facebook after I deleted and blocked her on his behalf and I would of presumed if they had of been in contact one of them would of mentioned it I phoned him at work last night hurling abuse at him for setting a passcode on his phone as I had to many Vinos. not seen or spoken to him since as he's in bed I've been at work. I seem to be obsessed with trying to catch him out I am going to start my antidepressants tomorrow as I am off work for a week I've been scared to take them incase of side effects maybe that will help control things

I just feel at a crossroads at the moment do I throw it all away when there was nothing in the text to suggest they wanted to be together or do I take this as a warning my long standing dh can have his head turned we both admit we need to spend more time together make an effort we have got stuck in a rut not sure how or if I could get over the the trust issue but don't know which way to turn at the moment. Hardly seen him and not spoken to him about it so no gaslighting

In the end only you can decide. I think I would have a huge issue with the fact that he decides to come home after his friendship with V ended - I think that fact is going to make you feel insecure and will be difficult to get over.

The fact that nothing happened between them is only one small part of all this.

Would you consider couples counselling?

I won't ever know but was taking it as a warning his head could be turned. We have been civil the last few days not mentioned it all. However the pass code on his phone is bugging me my phone is always on silent his wasn't but is now however he hasn't really used it. They still aren't friends on facebook. The farrier is coming on Thursday morning he is going down meet him she will be there so I have made the excuse to take the money up incase he is late. He is only going to put the horses out. He probably knows exactly why i am doing it but I think that will be the only time we have all been at the yard at the same time. I have recently seen her with dd she ignores us and everyone but I have never been there on my own with her or with dh so may be interesting. So after a few calm days I am feeling niggly again. Like I said I don't know if I can forgive or forget and learn to trust him again.

I am also curious to see if he has her no on his phone as I deleted it. I presumed it would be on the boards at the yard like everyone else's but it isn't wondering if he asked dd for it but don't want to ask her about it

Looked on dd phone and he has added her as a friend on fb still not showing on mine ?? So not sure when he did that. Confronted him and he said it only facebook he obviously can't stay away from her can he?

That shows he has absolutely no understanding or concern over your feelings about all this.

If you want to make a go of this it's probably worth trying couple counselling.

I am still around just dying of the flu he's still here we are being civil to each other I don't have the energy to argue. at the yard h the owner has been going round asking everyone but me what the problem with v is not sure if she didn't ask me as v has told her or h knows we didn't really know each other. I am happy to explain to h what has gone on and how I think it's best we just ignore each other. I have only sent v 3 texts all of which are polite and about horse arrangements and not spoken to her throughout this. He has removed his passcode after I told him I could simply do it from my phone and in doing so he wiped his phone dd has given him some contact no but says she's deleted v no. (She hasn't ). He seemed defeated in it all tbh it was me who said he needs to add his contacts what if he needed to call his mum or something?? I don't think they have been in contact. I am still unsure of our future but feel so rough at the moment I am just taking it one day at a time

Oh you poor thing, the flu is absolutely awful. Try and just concentrate on getting better and don't stress about anything.

Hope you are feeling better very soon. 💐😷

Thanks dobby I feel horrendous. The kids were at a party yesterday so we got someone to bring in our horse for us I have resisted the temptation to say to dh we wouldn't have been able to do that if we had stuck to your arrangement we would have still had to have gone up to bring in v horse as nobody else will. I still can't believe all the chaos and drama dh and v have caused over blooming horses. Any correspondence I had with v was polite and following dd wishes yet she was angry with me ?? That's because of dh telling her things I said to him which was out of order that was between us as a couple and v encouraged it slagging me off they were both in the wrong. I am not sure I can move on from this but just feel so unwell I don't have the energy at the moment and then it's Christmas my dc deserve a good Christmas after what he has put them through these past few months

Still feel like crap and because of that things are calm in the house. Yet today dh said he was texting dd to say he had mucked out she denied receiving the text so I am think he's texting v I can't help it. Checked his phone he doesn't have v no. And sent the text to dd who replied acknowledging he had mucked out at 4.40 pm yet when I asked her had she got it at 7.30 pm she said she hadn't received it and made some excuse that maybe it hadn't gone through or he hadn't pressed send. She has deleted his text but not her reply??? Why ??

2 weeks on and I am still constantly blowing my nose and coughing up green crap I've pulled the muscle in my stomach back and shoulders coughing iam not sleeping because iam coughing. So after having no passcode on his phone for a while on Friday he goes to the yard I knew he would see v surprise surprise he's put another passcode on his phone Friday night. I asked him if he has added her no he said no and handed me his phone of course I searched v and it wasn't there. I texted him at work saying he had probably put her under another name and it seams odd he chose to lock his phone again after seeing her. His text reply was " I saw her briefly nothing happened I don't have her number u saw to that I was only there to do jobs for dd so u didn't have to" arghh he really doesn't help matters wtf does nothing happened mean ? And why be narky he doesn't have her no he should of deleted it and blocked it himself months ago

So I've brought it all up again checked his phone under her no she isn't listed as a contact but when I start typing the no it finishes it??? so we've had a row I've dragged every thing up again. I don't know how to move on I really don't. We seem to be ok for a week or 2 then something triggers it all off again. Is it over ? Can I learn to trust him again ? And not stop dragging it all up if so how ?? He just says I am mentally unstable maybe I am lol

I hope you are now feeling better from the flu.

The problem is that now he is home everyone is expecting you to just accept everything, when really he hasn't truly accepted his part in it all, i.e. Really understanding how inappropriate their relationship was. Coupled with that, during your time apart you discovered another side to your DH that you were unaware of. It's no wonder that you are feeling insecure and wondering if you are missing something else.

I think it's worth trying couples counselling and getting everything out in the open where you can explain your feelings without being told you are 'mentally unstable'.

still coughing and blowing my nose. He doesn't understand why I feel betrayed why I no longer trust him. And how things like randomly putting a passcode on his phone the same day he has seen her a the yard triggers my insecurities. He doesn't have her no and there have been no facebook messages but I found one from a year ago from another woman asking him out for a drink between them. He said that would be great but he finds it difficult to get out the house so she replied message her when he can and he never did. I haven't told him I've seen this but stupidly messaged her basically saying to not contact him again. I regret doing that as it was a year ago but I was angry. I am going to force myself not to check his phone again he is obviously looking elsewhere and I think I am passed caring he obviously doesn't want to make this marriage work

Given your recent other discovery, which is far worse than the v thing, and the fact he already knows you check his communications why don't you have it out with him about him wanting to meet up with others? I bloody would. If he can't currently understand why you're so suspicious that should clarify things for him. You mentioned previously that he has a healthy jealous streak, so he can't really claim he would be cool if roles were reversed.

Are you planning to continue to drift along like this unhappily forever or are you going to take control? It may give him the shake up he needs to realise this is it and you will end things for good, or possibly bring things to a natural end, but surely that's better than what you have now. All this recent behaviour has been awful for at least one of your children and you both need to sort things out for their sake.

It was a year ago and he never got back to her so I presume they didn't meet up. Is it worth dragging that up as well. He doesn't agree with me checking his phone says I am not his keeper I should trust him which for the first time in 22 years I don't i just need to shift this cold and get through Christmas for the kids then decide what to do in the new year