Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

Don't you wish you could leave him with both dc's for a few days and then see what state the house was in when you got back.
I bet NOTHING would be done!!!
Aaaaaaaaaargh that man does my head in. I want to beat him round the head with the phone for you.
He doesn't deserve you. And you deserve someone who'll treat you like the great person you are. He's an ass.angry]

I bet our two little ones would look cute together. DD2 is 6 1/2 mths. Bit older than your dd. Bet dd1 would love them both, esp your ds.

Sounds like our dc's would be good together , well things have gone from bad to worse yet again He phoned to see if I was picking him up and I said no, so he was put out about that but not too bad - when he got home I had ds showing off because he wanted to open the oven (I had a casserole in it) and I wouldn't let him - obviously and dd was crying for her bottle. Dh came in, went straight upstairs to get changed and then came down shouting that there were colouring pens all over the computer desk and what did I do all day if I couldn't watch what ds was doing - I have been asking dh for months to put a lock on our bedroom door so that ds couldn't get in, needless to say he hadn't done it so last weekend I went to B&Q with the dc's and bought a lock and put it on (well attempted) and dh did it properly when he got home. He said that he doesn't know why he bothers doing things that I ask him to if I am not going to bother locking the door to stop ds going in - I told him that I was in our room sorting out the washing when ds was drwing and that I just didn't have time to clear it up. He said that why couldn't I just admit that I can't cope with the dc's and apologise to him for causing a row and why did I always have an excuse Then he said that if I thought that he was going to take the tablets for my sake then I could stick them up my a**e - I told him that I couldn't take this anymore and that I wanted him to go, I told him to phone his brother and arrange to stay and he said that he wasn't going anywhere - so now yet again we are not talking , I am sorry to keep going on - I know you must be annoyed with me but I just need to vent.

Let me be clear. I am NOT annoyed with you. I am absolutely FURIOUS with your h. I don't think he deserves the d. He is a selfish, unreasonable, holier than thou, piece of shit. He treats you like crap, talks to you like crap, makes you feel like crap.
You do more housework in a day than I do in a fortnight.
Good for you telling him to go. Keep telling him and he might get the point. Stop picking him up, stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him. In short don't do any thing for him, look after only you and the kids. Then maybe he;ll see how much you do.
Change the locks when he is out.

Sorry mummy2.
I stand by everything I said, but I'm sorry if I've upset you.
Even though it will no doubt be hard for a while I honestly think you will be so much happier without him.
He is the King of all fuckwits, and I hate that he is doing this to you.
You were young when you met him weren't you?

What is your H's deal? Was he always this self absorbed? I don't know how you do it without losing your sanity! Be strong and take care of yourself and your little ones.

Bandofmothers - you haven't upset me, I just wish I was as strong as you sound - I know that he has no respect for me or for all I do for him and I know he is selfish but I just don't like upsetting the apple cart more than I need to I just wish that he wasn't so pig headed and would actually listen to my concerns and respect my feelings - if I ever cry about things (which isn't as often now as it has been in the past - I must have become desensitised (sp?) he just tells me to shut up and stop being such a child
I was quite young when we met but not a child really - I was 20!
Terracloud - I was about to say that he hasn't always been this self obsessed but then I realised that in all the time we have been together, I have only once had 1 christmas present from him that he went out on his own to buy (and even that was because he went with my bf's df)- He normally takes me into town the day before my birthday and tells me to choose something and because I can't find anything (I don't like knowing how much things cost when they are present because I can't justify spending a lot of money on me) he ends up shouting saying that he is fed up and that it is my fault I haven't got a present! .... soory I am going on again - just tell me to stop, must go down now anyway - things to do Will pop back later.

My heart goes out to you and don't feel bad for sharing what you are going through. It sounds like this is the only way for you to get this off your chest. I check your OP daily to read how you are doing because I am concerned for you and your dcs.

Exactly what terra said.
I think you deserve to have some money spent on you.
What a horrible person he is to not want to buy you something, or surprise you.
Listen to me. . .
You have one life, that's all. Sometimes it is cut horribly short. Do you want to spend your one life with someone who makes you so miserable.
You are only 30. You are lovely and you have 2 lovely dc's. There are plenty of men out there who would love to be with you, who would treat you with respect, make you laugh and make you happy.
Please don't waste your self and your best years on someone who has no idea how good he has it, who doesn't appreciate the great person you are.
Does he ever spend time/play with the dc's?

I have to go to bed. Will talk to you tomorrow I hope. Should be on during day as don't think I'm going anywhere tomorrow.
Unless I've forgotten something
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
(for you and dc's)

He hasn't really had that much to do with dd - although he seems to be taking a bit more of an interest in her now, if not in her care eg-nappies, feeding, bathing etc he doesn't do any of this. He dotes on ds but again can't really show it properly, he hasn't got patience with him (and you need to have with a strong willed 2 yr old!) - He does "play" with him but it is on dh's terms, they can have a tickle and a cuddle but it has to stop when dh says so - tbh at the weekends dh just wants to sit on the sofa and go to sleep (I don't think his parents ever did anything with him as a child - no excuse I know) ..... I asked dh 4 times if he would take ds to the park on Sunday, so that I could spend a bit of time on my own with dd and get some housework done, he had been fishing and was tired but eventually took him to the park at 4:00pm and brought him back at 5:00pm for dinner.

Haven't managed to tear myself away yet. Damn MN.
I think you are lovely and will eventually leave him and be happy.
I think he will be a very lonely, grumpy old man.
And he will have brought it on himself because he treats people who love him like crap.
TBH men are never that interested when they're babies, but soon ds will demand play and attention on his terms. What will your h do then?

Oh mummy2 - I really wanted to cry after reading the last few posts but couldn't because the anger over your (D)H took over. He's just absolutely unbelievable. Are you scared of leaving him - it's understandable - the money/house thing and all that upheaval. But you sound so unhappy. It's good that you can open up here but when you leave the thread, you must lie in bed and feel completely on your own and wondering what you can do. I don't think I'm very strong but I think if I had been you, I would have made myself leave. Are you staying for fear of having to cope on your own -you do that anyway every single day - your DH is really only physically there! The main difference would be that you could be YOU and do what you wanted and when.

I would agree with you about the baby thing if it wasn't for the fact that he almost smothered ds with attention when he was a baby - he changed nappies (admittedly only in company) and did some night feeds - he won't do any of that with dd - He said that he was too tired for night feeds and that he won't change her nappy because she is a girl and it doesn't feel right Oh and believe me - ds is already demanding - he defn has his dads temprament(sp?), which shows that it was something he was born with, this is another reason I need to do something because if ds sees dh behaving the way he does - how am I expected to tell him it is wrong? At the moment he hasn't really been exposed to it - sometimes he is there when dh shouts and he says "stop it - don't shout daddy, don't say that" Mind you when ds says something like that it stops dh in his tracks much better than anything I could say

What a crap excuse. TUT, men!!!
You can tell ds that his daddy is naughty for doing it and that you will not put up with the same from him. If you are consistent and punish him when he does it, he will learn.
But if he sees you accepting treatment like that then he is likely to treat his own wife that way too. And your beautiful little dd is likely to allow a man to treat her as your h treats you.
Food for thought, perhaps that's a point to make your h think a bit too.
What advice would you give you dd if she told you what you've told us???
Do your parents live nearby?
Or even if they live half way across the country would they not let you and dc's stay until you found somewhere new to live?

Saw you on idontknowwhy's making friends thread.
Looked at a map of England counties. I am in Leics and that isn't THAT far from Essex.
I go to Norwich to fetch my big Bro and it takes about 2 1/2 hrs or so.
It is quite a way to go, but I have a sat nav.
If we arrange it well we could do a meet up and spend the whole day somewhere in the middle, to make it worth the trip.
What do you think?

mummy just picked this link up if you look at the thread i started a couple of weeks ago called hubby just called me a lazy fat f*ker some one put an excellent quote on there ill have a look now for you.(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) though hunny they can be such complete bastards cant they!!!!

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." lazy? - as if we have time!
there you go found it maybe you should show him this and leave things for him to do......

That's wierd Debbyandson, I read your thread and loved that quote. Was thinking of it as I posted on here the other day.
So glad you've put it on.
Did you ever get a grovelling apology?

Hi Debbsy - Thanks for that quote hun - I did read it on your thread the other day - it made me smile
BandofMothers - I would be up for a meet up, but please don't put yourself out, it is still quite a way for us both to travel just for me to depress you
Well - you will never guess what I did today - Bit of background first, I popped over to see my Nan today (who is 80 and a bit infirm) and she wasn't in , so I lugged both dc's back into the car and drove round the village to look for her, normally I would have waitied at hers but it was pouring with rain, dd was screaming for her bottle and ds was whining that he wanted to see Nanna. Anyway - we drove to the village and saw her going into a shop, so I got the dc's out of the car again and went to see Nan - she gave me her house keys, so that I could go back and feed dd and occupy ds, so I lugged everything and everyone back into the car, trying to block out 2 crying children for a while (just 2 minute drive to Nans) - I reversed the car and heard a huge crunch .... I had only reversed into an open backed van and dented all the back of the car and it pushed the rear windscreen through with shattered glass everywhere Luckily I had a double buggy in the back which prevented the dc's from being covered in glass. Well I am sure that you can all imagine dh's reaction and to top it off our insurance company didn't have a rear screen in stock so I have to wait until Monday for it to be replaced - so our car is wide open to thieves etc until Monday DH is NOT a happy bunny - will pop back later

I can imagine. (for you)
I hope you childishly stuck your tongue out and gave him the v's when he'd finished ranting and turned his back!!!
I would love to come and meet you. You are right it is a long way, that's why I thought if we planned it to spend the most part of the day it would be more worth it.
Think I asked you whether any of your family live nearby, and whether you could stay with them til you find a place. Is that an option, or are you not as mad as you were at him?

And you wont depress me, I will cheer you up.
Hopefully.

Bandofmothers - My parents live about 15 minutes away - so not that far really but they look after my nephew 5 days a week and about 2 nights aswell, they would not be able to put us up (plus that fact that my mum thinks that ds is too much like hard work and has 666 somewhere on his body LOL!) He is a very active boy - but I think that is normal for a 2.3yr old but I couldn't possibly stay with them and if I stayed with my sister I would be made the live in nanny (she doesn't take much responsability for her ds) and I would be worse off than I am now - at least now when do things it is for my own family! I am still really with dh but as I have said before I don't like confrontation and it might sound weird but he just carries on as normal after an outburst and so rather than carrying it on and having a bad atmosphere for the dc's, I tend to just do the same - it's just that it is happening so often at the moment, I don't seem to be able to get over the first time when the next time happens IYSWIM and I just feel like a sad, worn down person inside (although people don't really notice from the outside) and I hate asking for help even though an afternoon without the dc's would probably do my the world of good. Just feeling a bit rundown - haven't had my hair cut for about 18 months, I don't bother with makeup any more (only a bit of mascara) and haven't treated myself to having my nails done for 2.5 years ... sorry again - right I have made all dds bottles up and cleared up downstairs all while dh has been sleeping on the sofa (since 7:30pm) - have tried to wake him twice but have given up and am up here getting ready for bed - so drudge is signing off for the night - take care

Of course he carries on as normal, because his bhvr has become the norm, but you're so unhappy. Can you really see your life going on like that for years and years to come???
So your mum helps your sister loads, but thinks your ds is a pain.
NICE. . . . . . . .
Will your council house you if you tell them your dh is abusive (verbally counts) and you're scared he may fly off the handle. (embellish) ????

Perhaps you could make a chart of what you and DH do, either each day or for a whole week. I say go for the week, it includes the weekend where you keep working and he has days off!

I assume he works 8 hours, add in the commute time, hour each way. He then has, what?, 14 hours left each day, sleep 8 hours and that leaves 6 hours free each day!!!

Now you chart your activities. How long do you work each day? How much free time do you get each day? Anything approaching six hours? Nooooo. Let's take a weekend--48 hours minus 16 for sleep so he gets 32 hours free time each weekend. What do you get? Now you can do up the chart nice and colorful and make your presentation to him.

This isn't the whole problem, of course. He has no call to be so terribly unpleasant.

With the car mishap, at least now you've given him something worth being pissed over! Gotta love it!

HM, I think that's a great idea.
Mummy2, Your side of chart would be FULL. And his would say, Went to work, made dd's bottles, fell asleep!!
SNORT