Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

how are you m2taf? did anything get resolved?

Mummy2
I'm so sorry that it has come to this. I think he will not let you talk because he already knows what you want to say.
I'm sad you can't talk to your family, life is easier with a strong support from family.
Good for you for standing firm, it needs to be done or you'll live your whole life with this bully. That's not to say he might not change if he thinks he'll lose you, but only you can push him to that by being strong.
Obviously You know him better than we do, but please be careful. He may resort to physical abuse if he really feels you will leave, if he feels backed into a corner. If you've never pushed him that far you never know.
Have you confronted him yet.
Have to go out at 10:15 for the day, but will check in later.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}

I know you say he won't resort to physical violence, but if he has an anger problem he isn't in full possession of his self control. when he is very angry it is only his self control that STOPS him hitting you. If his self control isn't working properly, he might just hit you anyway. He would probably hate himself afterwards, but he would still do it. and depending on what he does, it might be too late for you.

Hi mummy 2. Sign in if you're on, we're a bit worried about you!!!

Message withdrawn

Hello all - Yes I am here and am okay - thank you for thinking of me. I have had a bit of a bad day today - ds had a mini meltdown today (probably because I am not my usual self) also dh and I still haven't spoken He wouldn't let me talk last night and he went to bed an hour before me as I was cleaning the bathroon , so I wrote him a letter and left it with his work things that he takes everyday. I figured that he could read it on the train and that the things I said might actually go in if he was reading them. We didn't speak all day, I thought that he might have phoned but he didn't - when he got home this evening (late because the trains had been cancelled) he said that he didn't realise how much his temper and the things he said were affecting me and although he doesn't think he has a problem he is prepared to take St Johns Wort in order to stop me moaning! He also said that I have to admit that I wind him up and that I should think about him before I do things - I told him that I think about him before I do anything because I have to try to second guess how he is going to react and I told him that I was scared of his reactions a lot of the time and that that wasn't right and didn't make a healthy relationship. Anyway we have sort of agreed that I will get him some St Johns Wort and he will take it for 1 month and that if it works then fine but if it doesn't he is going to get some counsellng after that - so it looks like 14th March is D-Day and it also looks like he has realised that I mean it when I say that I am at the end of my tether and won't stand for it being ignored anymore so here's hoping

Ok, good. Please don't admit anything you feel is untrue just to mollify him?

I am glad you have a little resolve anyway, keep us posted on it. I hope it all comes up roses for you.

Glad you're ok. Good for you, sounds positive, sort of, apart from the think of him thing, does he think of you when he does stuff? He's a bit of a cave man isn't he, no offence.
Was it st john's Wort that he was on before?
At least he seems to want to try.
Did he agree that his reactions are out of order?
Well done anyway. Stay strong.
I have got to go to bed. It's nearly tomorrow!!
Keep us posted!!

One sentence jumped out at me: You have to admit that you do things that wind him up and therefore you should think of that before you do things? Puh-leeze! It's his responsibility to control his own emotions. It's called being an adult. Also, while I'm here, I can't see why you should bundle up two babies and go get him, let him make his own way home and inconvenience himself. He acts as if he is king and needs waited on.
I think you should tell him off. And also make him get off his duff and do his share of work around the house.

Hello Mummy2 - good progress don't you think. It's good that he actually admitted he didn't realise he made you feel so crap (although I'm sure he did) so at least he's saying he's being wrong. Let's hope the St John's Wart works and he calms down enough to realise that how much happier you and the kids will be when he controls his temper. Maybe once he's calmed down, he won't snap when you ask for some help around the house. How do you feel now - a little bit better I hope?

Glad you've had a chat, but I agree with the other comments. Stop waiting on hom hand and foot, stop running a bath for him, and try and have some time for yourself. Even if it's only an hr here and there and leave him with the kids. I agree about the not picking him up from the station either. That's such a hassle for you and the kids, let him walk!
I'm sure none of my comments are constructive I just had to say them.

have also been watching this thread.. one thing jumps out at me.... that if you could try pleasing yourself more and everybody else (your mum, dh) less... You come across as very committed, brave, hardworking and totally right minded. You DO NOT NEED a perfectly clean house, all the ironing up to date. You need to be good to yourself.

You have two very young children and a grumpy dh (who is definately out of order) -you are doing brilliantly. Definately agree, don't run him a bath because you're passing the bathroom or offer to pick him up because you're passing his office. You have tried v hard to please him - stop trying - his probs are NOT your responsibility, you have done YOUR VERY VERY VERY BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Make it clear to him that you support his attempts to resolve his anger management problems but also that you will not tolerate his verbal abuse any more.

Be good to yourself and your innocent little ones and if he fails you again you will know that you deserve a better life. I, for one, admire you.

Hi mummy2 - how how the weekend been so far - better I hope?

Hi Luciemule - well I bought him some St Johns Wort on Friday but he hasn't taken any yet - The weekend has been the same as usual really, I needed to go to Tescos yesterday so asked him to sit with the dc's ...... he decided that instead of that we would all go so we had a very eventful shoping trip, but at least we all went out together even if I did just want to get some space - Today I have got up to find him not here! I think he has gone fishing, I don't know what time he will be back, so am just getting the three os us ready now and will pop to B&Q because there are a few things around the house that need doing and if I wait for dh I will be waiting forever I don't know how he can get up at 5:30am to go fishing without a problem but yesterday for example when ds was up at 7:30am he refused to get up as it was too early and he "works all week and is entitled to a lay in" - I desapir sometimes

Well, what are you going to do about it? It's all very well despairing if you're not going to do anything to change it. Make him take the tablets, at least.

He's a spoilt twat. I don't think ST John's Wort will do much, because as you say he is quite capable of getting up to go fishing, which isn't symptomatic of depression.

Colditz - I have said that I will give the St Johns Wort a month and if he hasn't improved then he must see a doctor - if he is not prepared to do that then he knows that I want him to leave. I am at the stage where I think I will need the St Johns Wort soon & I haven't got the energy to row over and over again - I am just carrying on as normal and it is now up to him - I have set the deadline ... I just hope that he thinks enough of me and the dc's to actually do something

Ok, I see your point. But6 if he isn't even prepared to take them , why give it another month?

My advice would be this. During this month, start preparing to move, so that when you reach the end if he hasn't stopped screaming at you and threatening you with violence, you don't have to then go through the trauma and hassle of starting from scratch to move out, while he is still abusing you. You can just go.

Do you see what I mean?

Hi Mummy2 - it does seem strange that he's not taken any tablets yet - it's another power thing I guess as he feels he'll take them if, and when, he want to.
At weekends why don't you say to him that you can have a lie in on one morning and him the other. That's what a lot of people I know do (including me) and it works really well. I have to say though my DH seems to lie in until whenever he wants and when it's my turn, he promptly wakes me up at 9 with breakfast and then when I tell him it's not nice to be woken up on my lie in day, he tells me I'm being ungrateful! For us mummies though I think sleep is often a lot more important than breakfast in bed!!!
Maybe if you're going to wait it out, you could think of little ideas that will make your day easier for you though or you'll run yourself into the ground. Sorry for long thread - I guess it is all very straight forward for us to advise you what to do but I can imagine that for some people, verbal abuse is easier to tolerate that physical abuse and that's why you've put up with it for so long. You just have to be consistantly strong and assertive in order for him to realise you mean business.

Hi mummy2. Has he taken it yet? And has his bhvr improved. Or is he still being a lazy f**kwit?
How are you feeling???

bandofmothers - Thank you for thinking of me
He still hasn't taken the tablets and is still being really lazy! He had a lay in on Saturday because he said that he has to work 5 days a week, so is not prepared to get up with the children at the weekend (What about my 7 day a week 24hour a day job!!!!) and then on Sunday he got up at 5:00am and went fishing, so I had no help with the dc's AGAIN this weekend , he did say that he would be home before midday on Sunday but arrived at 3:45pm! My friend has asked me out on 7th April for her birthday to a pub and a club amd I have told him that I am going - I could really do with it, but I bet he kicks off about it nearer the time. And he is still talking to me like a bit of dirt

I'm sorry to say that I don't think he'll change.
Not while, from his point of view, he's getting away with it.
Pisses me off that he complains about getting up , then goes fishing in the middle of the night.
My dh moans about working and getting up, but he still does it on Sundays. Moaning all the way, but he still does it because he knows I need it too.
Your dh doesn't seem to care whether you need it or not, and has no respect for your feelings. (being so late)
He's making a mockery of you and it makes me so mad.
Have you been making "preparations" as if you're leaving so he knows you're serious. In fact I'd go with what someone said ages ago, and actually make them. Then when your month is up you can just go, without having to hang around while you make those arrangements.
Hope you're not upset with me for saying it, sweets, but I really think you're flogging a dead horse.

Hi Mummy2 - Band of Mothers is right - it doesn't sound like he'll change. He doesn't treat you with respect and he certainly doesn't treat you like a partner and he doesn't care what he does, as long as he's happy.
What is your gut reaction - do you think you'll leave and start over?

Thank you to both of you - I know that you are both right, I have been feeling as if he has no respect for me for a while now. Everything I do he has to put down or belittle and he often does it in company (luckily most of our friends know what he is like, so it just makes him looks silly rather than having his desired effect)- Luciemule - I really wish I could say to you that I will have the strength to leave, but I don't know that I can - I have put a request in at the local library for a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans (As I couldn't find it anywhere to buy where dh wouldn't find out) and am waiting for it to come in - hopefully this will give me some suggestions but I will stick to my guns and I will make him see the doctor. I really believe that he needs an impartial person to tell him that he has a problem - or he needs to hear himself to realise it but without the dictaphone I can't do that. Sorry - another long post

Just looked at your pics. OMG your little girl is sooooooooooooooooooooooo cute.
Can't see ds so well. 2 little ginger's!
I hope you find the strength mummy 2.
Move up to the east midlands and I'll take you out for that coffee.

Ah thanks for saying that about my dc's bandofmothers - I don't think dd will be ginger though, she has quite bad cradle cap at the moment, which tinges her head - she is quite fair compared to ds who is defn ginger
Just popped on here to SCREEEEAAAMMM! I just phone dh to tell him about something really cute that ds had just done - and he accused me of not looking after the dc's properly! DD was asleep in her moses basket and ds was quietly watching Peppa Pig on the sofa (very rare) So I popped upstairs to take the ironing up, I only put it into the spare room - didn't sort it out or anything and went straight back downstairs, ds had made me a pretend luch and cup of tea and said "have a little rest mummy, I have made lunch for us" - I thought it was so sweet I phone dh and just got abused - he told me that I must never leave the dc's alone in a room together as anything could happen - I am really fed up, nothing I do is right - if he had have come home to find the ironing still downstairs, he would have had a go about that! He really doesn't understand the logistics of having to young dc's - how does he think things get done, is it the pixies And who does he think he is dishing out his orders from work? At the moment I am trying to get ds to sleep so I can get on with some more bits but he will not give in, I wish I was a drinker - Could do with one right now.