Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

That is so sad that you have to revolve your life around his moods....you are existing not living.

TBH, I can't see what good a day off would do for you. Your problem isn't that he simply doesn't understand what hard work you do, it's more complicated than that. I expect you would spend the whole time worrying what will happen when you get back.

or what he hasn't been doing (for the kids) whilst you've been gone!

I guess you're getting fed up of us always banging on that you should leave him etc etc.
I have a friend who thinks similarly to you, that she would rather take on more of the work for a quieter life. I just can't bring myself to do that. Not only because in some ways I'm quite lazy and don't want to do ALL the work, but mainly because I don't think I should HAVE to do all the work.
It's supposed to be a partnership and in my stubborn rage over the unfairness of it all I will cause a huge row over him not doing the washing up on a Sunday morning. Because I do it EVERY other day. I see no reason he shouldn't do it once a week so I can have a day off from it.
Plus by the time I've waited for him to do it all day and he goes off to work on Monday morning the pile is huge. And the kitchen is ALWAYS a mess on Mon morn cos he cooks on Sunday. So I'm fuming. This week I was short with him all monday cos of it, and when he got home Mon night and asked me what was wrong, I told him. He tutted and said, is that all, stop going on about it, huff, huff. I flew off the handle.
I suppose it depends if you can put up with it. You obviously can, I can't. I used to try not to rock the boat, but TBH now, I will rock it until he falls out, cos I don't care if he gets pissed off. He can shout, I shout back. He can storm out,I'll wave him off.
Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I won't temper what I say or do just so he wont get upset.
He will usually admit I was right later when he's calmed down.
So I hope you don't feel pressured by us, or that we're all having a go at you. We're just all furious on your behalf and want to smack him and make him realise that he's got a great thing in you.

mummy2tandf - could you write down something like your original post and at an appropriate moment ie when things are relativley calm, give the letter to him.

He might digest it a bit better without flying off the handle as quick and then at least you've told him everything.

You shouldn't have to put up with this.

bandofmothers - I am not fed up of you all telling me to get rid, I know deep down that things just can't carry on the way they have been - I am so run down and although I don't let the dc's see it, I think it is putting on the brave face that is draining me more than anything emmatomATO - I have said before that I will write things down, I did that a few years ago and it did actually work, I will have to do it when he is back at work though, so he can read it when I am not there .... If I am there when he reads it, it won't have the same effect because he will react to it straight away. I very nearly walked out this morning in my pj's though - as usual he didn't get up with the dc's, so I did while he laid in bed, when he got up over an hour later, he didn't even say good morining to me - the first thing he said was "have you eaten all the teacakes" ( I have been having toasted teacakes for breakfast during the week) when I said yes he went mad saying that I was selfish and who do I think I was to eat all of the teacakes witout leaving him some He doesn't normally eat them, the worst thing was that there were only a couple left by Thursday and I didn't have any then thinking that I would save some for him but on Friday I decided that I would just eat them - no big deal I thought. He then told ds that "mummy is a greedy fat pig" {shock] that was when I shouted at him and told him not to ever say anything like that to ds again and nearly walked out .... I couldn't believe that I didn't have the dictaphone ready as I am sure he didn't know how f*king (sorry) stupid he sounded - well enough from me again, I will keep you updated, and please don't get annoyed with me, it really helps to sort things out in my head to post on here

Hi Mummy2 - I'm really glad you feel it helps to post on here - sometimes it's easier to say things to people you don't know and them not judge you at all.
Your DH was very naughty for involving your DS and saying that about his mummy - I bet inside he feels bad about it and knows he shouldn't have done it.
Your DH seems to find anything he can to demoralise you (ie the teacakes) and you must be constantly walking on eggshells wondering what he's going to pick next.
Try to be strong and brush it off and maybe ignoring him completely would make him calm down. Men hate being ignored and there'll be nothing to react to if you are ignoring him when he behaves like that.
Sorry to sound like an agony aunt - it's frustrating to think of him being like to you when you obviously sound like a really nice person who is a very good mummy and wife.

Pity you didn't have the dicta in place!!!
Sorry he's saying that to your ds, and good for you for standing up to him for it, that is not ok!!!
Hope you have a nice week. Sure you wont see him any more than normal, as he'll be out fishing. Selfish man!!!

Poor you! have just been reading through all the messages, you really deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy!

I know you've mentioned you live in Essex, I live in Ilford and should you want to, we could always meet up for a coffee with or without DC. I also have a mischevious 2year old DS who would love to play!

Thinking of you,

Hiya - Thanks for suggesting we meet up - that would be nice but at the moment ds is not a very well bunny , I don't know if you have heard of the A Mile For Maude event on here but I am organising a walk in Romford if you want to we could meet up then and do the walk at the same time - I do have another thread about it in Charitable Events

Mummy2

Keeping an eye on this thread and just want to give you the biggest hug and lots of hugs to the lovely people who have been posting their support and advice.

I have a friend in a very similar situation and I've seen her get more and more introverted and helpless. Please see yourself how I'm sure many others see you - a fantasticly loving mum and organiser. Be proud of who you are.

When you tape your husband ensure a copy can be kept for safekeeping - for future reference should you end up consulting a lawyer. Do this. x

That's a good idea. Then he can't deny it.
Hope you're ok mummy 2.
You can MSN me anytime!!

Very much hoping that mummy2 is OK.....

Mummy2, are you ok. It's been over a week and am getting a bit worried, esp as I nudged you when you signed into MSN this morning but got no reply.
Let us know you're ok!!!!!!!!! PLEASE

Hiya all - sorry, this thread dropped off my "threads I am on" - I am still here don't worry.
Dh was off of work last week, which is why I didnt have all that much time to post and ds has had that really nasty bug. It has just been more of the same really - treading on eggshells and running around after everyone (I think I have been a bit pre-menstral) - Things did get really heated one day and yes Bandofmothers I did manage to press the dictaphone. I left the room to play it back to myself ans realised that ds had taken the batteries out , so I couldn't shock dh by playing it back to him. Again tonight, I have been called every name under the sun because the kithchen bin was nearly full up and I was too fat and lazy to empty it .... never mind the fact that I have cleaed ds's room, dd's room, done 2 loads of washing, cleaned the bathroom and washed the living room and kitchen floors (with baby wipes on my hands and knees because I broke my mop - mental note to buy a mop tomorrow) and went for an interview for weekend work - anyway, enough from me again I bet you regret asking now

M2TF - you must have felt a little deflated when you found out there was no batteries. My heart goes out to you.

One of these days you are going to realize that you have so much power within you to leave him. I know you do - it is just building up inside of you.

How is your son feeling? Is he over his bug yet?

Thinking of you and hoping you have a fabulous weekend!

Hugs

contrary to other posts here, i dont think you are saint. it looks like you are in abusive relationship. and you seem very scared to face him (another symptom of someone that has been abused).

you may need professional help, a counsellor perhaps. good luck!

Message withdrawn

Have we all managed to convince you yet honey?????

I would still like to arrange a meet up some time!!

summerfruit - An hour , to be honest I am surprised that you kept on reading after the first few posts & stayed awake! Thanks to all of you for taking the time to post
bandofmother - I would love to meet up but I can't think of anywhere in the middle
Well I was hoping to be cheered up today - I had booked for my hairdresser to come round (haven't had my hair done for about 18 months at least), I was really looking forward to it and she had to postpone ... am now having it done on Tuesday so I can't wait, and I am going out with the girls I used to work with on Thursday night - so I should look great for then (hopefully or at least feel better).... My sister has invited us all round to hers tomorrow for dinner, when I put it to dh he said he didn't fancy it, when I asked him why he said because it was mothers day - I explained that that was the whole reason I dd want to go, so that I didn't have to cook and clean, but he refused to go - so I have told him that I am going to take the dc's and go on my own and that he will have to sort his own dinner out - will have to see how that goes. Also he came home from work today and the first thing he said was "I forgot to go to the shops after work today, so you haven't got any cards or present for tomorrow" - I know that he hasn't lost his temper or shouted but TBH I found this just as hurtful I wasn't hoping for a lot just a best mum keyring or fridge magnet (is that chavvy?) Anyway am off to do dinner - dc's are oth in bed. Take care

Oh honey, he just doesn't give a toss about your feelings does he.
Do you know I'm actually welling up at the moment, I just FEEL for you so much. I want to rescue you from him. He just doesn't deserve you. Good for you about tomorrow. Go out and have a lovely day with your family. He'd probably only ruin it for you anyway.
And have loads of fun on Thursday and stay out really late. And tell him it starts bfore the kids go to bad and leave early, even if you just go and have a bite to eat alone first.
I want to kick his arse.

Hi Mummy2 - glad you're ok - what kind of work interview did you go for? Will Dh stay at home and look after the kids or will it be at night when they're in bed? At least you'll be doing something on your own, even if it won't be treating yourself.
Have a lovely Mother's Day tomorrow and I'm sure your kids would have bought you the keyring and magnet themselves if they could!

Bandofmothers - where are you based again and where's Mummy2? There must be a good place to meet up. Aren't you in the midlands and Mummy2 in Essex? The Centre MK for example?

Sorry - didn't mean to interfere...!

I've just read this thread, and to be honest I'm shocked. I know he's not physical but he is being abusive. If your sister or bf was in this relationship what would you tell them to do?

It's as if you are coping with three children, what do his parents think of the situation?

sorry - haven't any advice other than what already been said, remember you're not alone, so keep unloading as it will help to clarify things.

good luck