Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

I just wanted to tell Mummy2T&F that you are not alone being in a verbally abusive relationship. I have been with my partner for 10 years and after I became pregnant he started to have his "rants" as i call them! He can go off about anything, I keep a diary and some of the things he as caused a row about include ds pulling the watering can spout off and me watching a programme he "didnt find funny". When hes nice its easy to forget how bad it gets sometimes til the next time. I always thought it was me not being tidy enough round the house (this is his big bugbear of me),having pmt too much etc etc until I read the book you mentioned (Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship) and it all made sense, the constant criticisms of me, the knocking down of my self esteem etc. I wish I could give you some advice but you need to remember there is nothing you can do or way you can act to avoid his temper, he will just pick on something else instead. I have accepted that my relationship is dead and I am currently studying so in the future I can financially support myself and my two ds.
Hope you are feeling a bit better by now x

Hi mummy 2. You can email or Live Messenger on "[email protected]"

mummy just wanted to give you this
(((((((((HUGS))))))))))) im here if you need me xxxxxxxxxxx

Starz78 - thanks for your message and I am sorry that you are going through this as well - it really knocks your self esteem doesn't it. Did you find the book helpfull at all - as I mentioned before I have had to order it from the library, so that dh didn't notice that I had bought it but they still haven't phoned to say it is in, also this means that I am going to have to read it pretty quickly and get it back to them, don't know when I will get the chance LOL!
Debs - Thanks hun, all hugs gratefully recieved atm.
bandofmothers - right I am going to try to msn you now I have just put dd to bed, so can get away with being up here for a bit

The big blow up this evening was this:- He went upstairs so I called up to ask him if he could bring down a new vest and babygro for dd, I told him they were in her second drawer down. He came down with a vest and babygro that were tiny baby (dd is 16 weeks) and so obviously didn't fit. I asked if he had got them from the drawer (purely because I had just sorted the drawers out so that everything was current sizes) and he screamed that I hadn't mentioned the drawer, I said that I did but he obviously didn't hear me and it wasn't a problem but he went on and on calling me a liar and insisting that I didn't mention the drawers! I mean how pathetic!

I have just read this thread in utter horror.

Please tell your mum what the situation is like at home - perhaps she could help in some way?

You HAVE to leave this horrible man...

Thank you for reading the thread and well done on managing it all! it has been a bit of an ongoing saga - My mum is on holiday atm but as I have said before, she is too busy with my nephew and can not handle ds, so I really don't think that there is anything she can do (apart from comment how shattered and rough I look everytime I see her)

Why do you think that your mum would help with your nephew so much but not help you? Give her ythe benefit of the doubt, you've nothing to lose...
What is her opinion of your husband?

how are thingfs today mummy.Have you had a long chat with your hubby?Have you tol him you are at the end od your tether?What does he do for T and f exactly?Cos it sounds to me that you do everything!!

Mumto3girls - I don't think my mum won't help - I know she wont .... she looks after my nephew 5 days a week and often 3 nights a week as well, she has "own child syndrome" with him and although he is also a cheeky little boy my ds is the devil child in her eyes , she has never really thought that much of dh but that is because he doesn't earn enough money for her liking .. Oh well enough about my mum, she won't help!
debs - He does not a lot for T and F - he puts ds to bed every night and that is about all. Dh has just told me that he has booked next week off of work, so that he can spend some time fishing I have told him that I want us to do somethings as a familiy, that I am unable to do on my own like take the dc's swimming etc - we will see, I am actually quite aprehensive as to how the week will go

im sorry to say thats shocking.is not have a child together bringing them up together? you need to set some groun rules hes treating you lik a drudgeWhat do you really feel like doing hun? about the state of affairs?

Mummy2TandF what exactly do you love about your husband? I honestly can't see, only from how you have described him, that there is anything to love about him? Do you think that your marriage has any future, the way it is going.

FFS you have a tiny baby and he can only think of taking a week off to go fishing!!

Hi Mummy2T&F - haven't posted for a couple of days - been trying to think of solutions fro you but couldn't think of anything that hasn't been suggested already. If oyur DH isn't willing next week to do something together, why don't you tell him to look after the kids for an hour whilst you go and have a massage. It's only an hour but would help you relax on your own. Tell him you're going to the docs if you don't think he'll let you go for a massage. I'm sure that if you give yourself little treats whenever you can, you'll find it easier to cope with everything. I know that doesn't help the whole problem but you should treat yourself and remember the person you were before marriage and children.

How very selfish of him.
I sent it today. Should be with you tomorrow, maybe the next day.
Should be plenty of opportunity to use it next week then!!!
He couldn't have timed that better really, could he?????????????

Mummy2, I definately think luciemule is right. If he can take a whole week off to fish then he can bloody well give you a whole day off. I don't think that's unreasonable in any way, shape or form. I'm sure your dh will though.
Don't mention it until you have the device in place though cos that should be a good one!!!!

Just had a thought - could you try and find out where the nearest SureStart families centre near you is (HV or playschool would know) as they might be a great source of help and support to you. They're building one near me and there's all sort of stuff available for families (creche/coffee shop/child info/health matters etc. It'd be a great way to meet other mums and you might find it a support seeing as you're mum can't really offer you her support.

Sorry - going into overdrive! Just wondered where abouts in Essex you are. I'm moving near the Essex border around June time and could easily meet up and go to the zoo or something (if you wantedd too that is!!!)

Mummy2, I just wanted to bring something up that you metioned a while down the thread about your son's behaviour. Personally, I don't think that he was born like that as you seem to think. I understand that it's easier to think that he was born like that, as it gives your husband a way out of his behaviour, it was something he was born with and therefore not his fault.

Children are very receptive to their surroundings, your son sees the way his father acts. Like most little boys, his father is his idol and he loves him. Your son sees the way that his father treats his mother and his temper tantrums and assumes that this is the way to act. Ergo, your son has issues with his behaviour.

I know that you are having a really rough time, but you need to reconsider your decision regarding letting things lie after an argument so as to not upset the children. I can tell you that your children see what is going on, they can sense your mood and your husbands anger and this will affect them.

I just wanted to say this because you have mentioned that you hate the confrontation but you have to think about the long term effects on your children. My earliest memories are of my parents screaming at each other all the time. As an aside, it did eventually turn into violence after 8 years. It is not always the case that if he was going to hit you, he would have done it by now.

Lazyline, I agree with what you said about children reacting to the bad atmosphere. I found out today that my son has started to hit another child at school which i'm upset about and i'm sure its due to mine and my partners crappy relationship.

Mummy 2T&F, how is your husbands relationship with the kids? Is he snappy to them too? My partner has got worse the older mine get because they can answer him back now. He bellows at them for something stupid and says its because "they don't listen". This is my main reason to get out of the relationship. r.e the book i ordered mine from amazon and got it delivered in the day whens hes at work!

Try and get out and about as much as you can, seeing your friends and do stuff away from him so you still feel a whole person. I met a friend yesterday and went shopping and for a coffee and it really lifted my mood. i find the more we are stuck in together especially the afternoons the more likely he will "rant" over something!

If you want to e-mail me its [email protected]

Hi everyone - I do agree with those of you who have said that ds will start to copy dh, but I am aslo convinced that ds was born with a temper - he was showing this as early as 6 months and I am sure that it is not learnt behaviour at that age.
Luciemule - I have already told dh that he will have to come swimming with us next week, as that is something that ds loves but that I can't do on my own with the 2 dc's ... dh has also made noises about going to the zoo or the london aquarium too but I won't hold my breath for this. Normally when we have anything nice like that planned he throws a tantrum just as we are getting ready! If he does that this time I will still take the DC's because ds is old enough to look forward to things now
bandofmothers - thanks you so much, it arrived this morning - ds had such fun singing twinkle twinkle into it and hearing it back

Mummy2TandF..what are your future plans with this man?

No probs. Let us know what happens.
HAve you told him you want a day off next week too?

mumto3girls - I really don't know Bandofmothers - no I haven't said that I want a day off next week, I am not sure what I would do with myself and also I don't know whether it would be worth it as he waould be in an awful mood when I got back.