Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

Yeah ...just leave her, I'm pretty sure that she doesn't want someone who's dreaming of other women and of having a different life all the time! You are not that young yourself though so don't make it sound like a charity act that you are with her and she's older than you. Just be honest with her, and talk to her not a bunch of strangers on mumsnet!

"I have spent 14 years paying for SDD and all the household stuff and virtually nothing on me"

That is parenting.

What do you think having your 'own' children would be like?!

That makes you sound awful, like you just see your step daughter as a money pit and not as a child you have contributed to raising.

It's not that you sound crass, more that you do, as you say, sound deeply confused.

If the marriage has stopped working, then absolutely extract yourself as cleanly as you can.

But if it's a feeling of dissatisfaction, a hankering for conflicting things, an envy of people around you..... Are you really sure the marriage is the problem?

Your situation is only going to get worse. The age gap will widen emotionally. Get out if you're not happy

I don't think you really have a clue how deeply destabilising it will be for your step daughter to realise you only contributed to the family financially because you wanted your wife and that you resent having done it now and see her as 'another man's child'.

And yes Offred's right, that is parenting. It's expensive and not for egotists.

It's odd that you resent the spending yet you say want babies. If you've happily parented "someone else's child" all that time and call her your DD, what do you imagine will be different second time around? Probably very little. You obviously were very close to your SDD most of this time.

I'm the same age as you and doing some stocktaking myself, so I wonder if you're 'just' panicking somewhat and attaching your feelings to things a bit randomly.

I reads to me that you are now dreaming of something you knew you couldn't get by getting married to your dw and now it looks like you just can't live with it.
It might that or it might be that you are dreaming fur things that are impossible.

I Will tell you the same I would tell anyone. Don't leave with the idea that you are going to find someone else 'better' and it will all be fantastic.
Leave because the relationship has run its course. Leave because you aren't happy anymore.
But also leave expecting to be in your own, not to have dc etc..,
Because the reality is that you have no idea of you will find someone you will be happy with and/or will want children. Esp if you look at 35~39yo women.
Of course you can look at younger women who will want a child. But then you will end up in the same situation than you are now age gap wise and that means the same potential issues. I would think carefully whether it is or not an issue or a good idea.

You were also saying that cinsling did show that you are expecting different things than your dw now.
Have you considered some counselling for yourself to check wether you have a mid life crisis/the grass is greener effect going on before you leave? Of you are asking yourself the question, then I think it's worth checking g that out before taking a decision rather than regretting it afterwards.

I think you know OP that you are being a bit cruel. Basically you are trading your older woman for a younger woman and betraying your commitment to her. She could have spent those years finding someone who was more consistent. I presume that she hasn't had a personality change, just got older?

So if I were I would split up very cleanly and be upfront. If you hang on to the idea that you have very valid reasons then you will only hurt her and your step daughter. Just be honest, it isn't great, you are leaving them after forging a deep relationship that will hurt them. At least that will have some integrity.

Perhaps if I explain that I have spent 14 years paying for SDD and all the household stuff and virtually nothing on me it wouldn't sound quite as crass?

Nope. Still sounds pretty crass. You are a parent to SDD and you are part of a family. Step-families can encompass many different levels of commitment and closeness, but if you want to claim you raised this child as your own, then you're a parent.

You don't get to start entering this into a balance sheet of expenditure provided, time given etc, fifteen years down the line, and conclude that this may now entitle you to a 'real' child of your own or a nice car. Especially when this isn't really about a philosophy of parenting and step-families and responsibility at all -- it's just a transparent attempt to reverse-engineer reasons for you to jump ship and shag someone else.

Jamie000, you've had two years of a rocky marriage, you've had counselling, you've both identified that you've grown apart and want different things. If you really feel that you cannot carry on in this marriage you should talk with your wife. Have some more counselling if it will help clarify things. It may be that your wife will be sad, but also relieved. Perhaps she has been thinking that if you both could get to the other side of DD'S GCSE'S, you could raise the subject of separation and divorce again.

You should start to look at your finances and find out where you both stand, where you will live and what you can afford. You may not be able to afford that Porsche.

I think counselling for you is a good idea too.

You essentially have to decide whether or not you want to leave. Do this, as others have said based on this relationship, have NC at all with whoever it is has 'turned your head' while you do this. NC at all.

If you want to leave, please do and do it decisively and as respectfully as possible. That means making up for not really thinking through your initial commitment to marry and to be a father to SDD. If you are not prepared to continue being a parent to her make a clean break from that too but please weigh that up with reference to the initial fault being yours in not adequately thinking through the initial commitment. You have made it now and she has depended on it.

At 39 you are still young did you want a child with your partner. Me personally I couldn't be with a younger man I would feel selfish. Did she ever wonder if you wanted a little Jamie of your own. Some men do mature late and then they start having children. How you sound is not unusual.

Yep - call it a day.
this whole set-up you have now is as dead as julius caesar.
be kind, end it and then move on.

I think, whether you like it or not, a step child isn't the same as your own child.
You can try and bridge the gap by adopting etc but it isn't the same.
Maybe it's an ego thing, I don't know. Given Sophie's choice I think all parents would know their decision. They would choose their own.
I've seen advice on here telling women that want a third child and their partner/husband doesn't to consider leaving. I think the same grace should be afforded to a man

What does the OW (because let's face it, there is one, even though it may only be fantasy at the moment) have that your wife doesn't ? Is it youth? Looks? Some sort of emotional connection you feel is lacking in your marriage?

Can you imagine a long term future with her (and 'imagine' is key here - the reality may be very different)?

Having missed the early years of your DSD's life, how will you both cope with sleep deprivation? How will you both manage your careers? Finances? Maintaining other friendships?

I think most people in long term relationships accept that the thrill of the early days of dating can easily become humdrum over time without a bit of effort.

Does she know you are married? Are you okay with her knowing that but still being 'available' for you?

I'm projecting terribly, while trying to remain objective, but these are questions you need to ask yourself.

What the new woman might want is not that relevant though, is it? He shouldn't be saying to himself "I'll only leave if I've got a definite Plan B". He should leave his partner because they want different things from life and are not making one another happy.

I think if you commit to raising a child - from birth, by marriage, through adoption, surrogacy whatever, then you have committed to raising them. You don't get to 'treat her as my own' and then as 'another man's child' when you want to break up with her parent. Any adult, even if they walked into that kind of commitment without fully thinking it through is far more able to suck it up and continue the commitment than a child is able to deal with being picked up and dropped.

There are consequences to choices.

The op seems to be thinking he can just walk away and take all his money with him and spend it on a 'proper' family. That, I think is a horrible things to do and the only way it would be better for SDD if he did that is if he is a crap father to her already.

So fine realising he has made an ill informed choice and now he does want kids is one thing but if he is going to make a good dad to new children he should really be honouring the commitment he made to SDD

Does your dsd see her dad if you left it would be up to her if she wanted to keep contact. You have to keep your door open in case she does.

Go and be as kind as you can.
I had a friend in a similar situation. 12 yrs younger than his partner (not married but living together). She already had grown up children and was moving into semiretirement. He just ended up wanting a completely different life to her.
He is now married almost 20 years to a new partner with two children he had in his 40s. Very poor as he walked away without any settlement but he has the life he'd feared he'd missed out on.
If you feel like this now and have already considered separation then it is best all round to leave. Your wife will also then be free to find another.

How are you going to afford your Porsche with only half of the family money (plus a reasonable place to live, etc)?
However, If you spend another five years supporting your daughter as you are now (and buying a uni flat is an investment for you, not a gift of money to her), plus possible flat deposit or wedding help, you can probably be driving your Porsche in a decade.

Who will give her away her dad or her step dad. It is pointless staying in a relationship if you are going to slowly resent them. I don't think your wife will want that.

Give her away?

Sorry I should put wedding in my paragraph.