Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

Perhaps if I explain that I have spent 14 years paying for SDD and all the household stuff and virtually nothing on me it wouldn't sound quite as crass?

Don't play the martyr because you spent money on someone else's child - which is the real reason you keep mentioning it and seem to think you deserve a cookie, isn't it? ALL parents spend, yes step-parents too and often on child before themselves, so you are not unique in what you've done, just awful to mention it. & I bet your DW contributed to family life and finances too she works doesn't she, she's not sitting around with her hand out, from what you've said.

You need to leave your partner, just go. Then both she and you have a better chance of finding someone compatible

Im not sure whether your post is a pisstake or not - you're basically here where you know there'll be a bunch of women, talking round the houses about your wife being too old for you, and you having to spend money on your step-daughter. You don't like women much do you

But anyway yes, leave. She'll get over it eventually and so will you. You're not so young yourself - you're pushing 40 you still want kids and to build a whole new life with someone else and as that takes time, its best you make your decision and move sooner rather than later

Leave and get on with it. This will give both of you the chance to move on.

I think (like others say) you are using your step kid to 'prove' to yourself or us that you aren't a bad person in this situation. Fair play, I probably would in your shoes.

However, you don't need to - you don't sound like a bad person. Things change, you've tried, you've had counselling, but you now find you want different things. Leave before you do have an affair (you are hurtling in that direction) and it becomes much nastier than it is now.

I don't think you are particularly old to have a kid btw (I'm in north London, we're all ancient parents) but I wouldn't leave it loads longer. You'll definitely be casting envious glances at your ex when you have little ones and she's having fun! But I wouldn't personally trade having had the chance to have had my kids for all that.

It is quite obvious from the post that he has fallen in love with someone younger, just don't tell her that, try and do it kindly.

It is quite obvious from the post that he has fallen in love with someone younger, just don't tell her that, try and do it kindly.

I'm on the fence about this, wouldn't it be better just to tell her the truth (if this is it), rather than have her find out some other way and feel even more betrayed ? I remember in my younger days an ex and I splitting up and her immediately getting with a guy she worked beside. I knew this in my gut, but she wouldn't tell me, presumably to spare my feelings. Made it worse. Now I think she was probably with him before we broke up.

OP....I was in a similar situation 4 years ago. My SBXH is 8 years younger..we have 2 dc's..you have 1..which she is for all intensive purposes..your dd. He had his ''ead turned'...although that didn't come out til later. He wanted his single life back...he wanted to be in his twenty again..he was 39. ...it screamed midlife crisis....it was obvious to all. anyway fast forward 4 years...the going lasted a few months. .he ended up in a one room flat...broke..and missing dc's. He then had alchol problems and mental health problems...haddent realised how much the family has been his stability. ...he then went abroad...chasing another dream...he's back now couldn't cope and soda surfing....I'm sure this isn't you. But becareful what you will for!! As for me and dc's weve picked ourselves up after much pain...I hope to get dc's to uni and have time to do hobbies and travel and don't feel over the hill.
As others have said be kind to your dw....leave start on your own and maybe after a while date...I suspect you won't , but that would be the brown up thing to do.

...and ignore my typos! 😆

If you don't think counseling will help or you just are already so 'gone' from the relationship all I can say is to leave the relationship with as much dignity (for yourself and for her) as you possibly can.

Most of the things you've listed would really be very hurtful to her; You're too old, you're menopausal, I want a Porsche and kids, my heads been turned, I want someone younger. I mean 'Ouch'!, that's quite a blow to the ego. It may simply be easier to say that you have realized that you no longer love her and the relationship is no longer what you want. In short, the old 'it's not you, it's me'. Leave her with some dignity. And whatever you do, do NOT cheat.

If you decide to leave you will start from scratch and then build up from their. It's not easy the first few years are always the hardest. Don't stay with your wife because you don't want to work for it. You would be using her and that would make you a terrible person.

You've had your head turned, it will be hard to get back to having positive thoughts about your wife because naturally you're trying to justify why you feel you no longer want to be with your wife.

Be honest with yourself did this rocky patch begin once you met this other person?

There's no crime in not wanting to be with your wife. Be honest with her tell her you don't want to be with her. But I don't think you're being totally honest with yourself about why you have these conflicking feelings. For what it's worth I felt a bit like this myself a few years ago do I do have some empathy for how this becomes a thing that just grows and grows in your own mind. Just remember the grass won't be greener it will just be different grass.

It's easy to take the things you have for granted. You have to be prepared for things to not necessarily be what you expect simply by leaving your relationship.

Also, how would you feel not seeing the girl that you have helped bring up? You take pride in your efforts, will you totally walk away for her if your marriage ends?

To be honest, OP, it sounds to me like you have a bit of a victim mentality, complaining about your expenditure on DD and your ageing wife as though you didn't make an active decision yourself to spend that money, and to marry a woman 10 years older than you. This situation is entirely of your own making and no one should feel sorry for you. You talk gaily of moving on with your life, meeting a new woman, new family, new car (seriously?!) with as far as I can tell from your posts, no thought of the awful position you leave your DW in, rejected, alone, with the difficult task of finding someone new in her late 40s rather than 30s when you selfishly convinced her that you would always be there for her as a husband. I think you should take a cold hard look in the mirror. Leave by all means (she's probably better off without you) but don't kid yourself it is ok. Your wrong decisions will cause at least two people lasting pain and hurt. It's deeply cruel and you should feel bloody awful about it!

As to the original question of how to do it, I agree with PP to be as kind as possible i.e. no mention of age, head turning, step DD etc. Not that she isn't going to put 2 and 2 together perfectly well if you do find your 30-something replacement. Wow, do I feel sorry for her

It's quite timely to see this thread actually because for various reasons I know an above average amount of couples where there is quite a big age gap but in a number of them it's the other way round though with the man being over a decade older than the woman. Funny thing is I never hear those women bitching about the stuff you are OP. The only concern I have ever heard one of them raise is that she worries about him going ahead of her and being alone but knows that's what she signed up for. The men on the other hand have very similar concerns to you and feel terribly sorry for themselves and how things have panned out for them. Clearly they feel they still have much to give and that it's being wasted on the woman they chose all those years ago but feel all restless with now.

Make of that what you will

@ARumWithAView Yes, that did sound callous, as I say, am just thinking aloud. I love her and have been a selfless (mainly) parent and the proof is in the pudding as it were as she is great and well liked and well rounded and she trusts me. But I have never replaced her dad, even though he's not interested in her (well, once every month or two he is). He gets a hug and I don't. That's ok, I understand it's complicated but I do feel that I've done a good job and need to move on. Obviously I'll tell her I love her and wouldn't say any of the anonymous shit I've said here. I'm not a moron, or a sadist. I'll say I'll always be there, though I know she'll probably block me out out of anger.

And yes, without her side this is all rather academic. The Porsche was a throw away comment, I wouldn't buy one it was just a metaphor for wanting to put me first, not houses, schools, uni flats, posh holidays. I just want to do what I want.

When I say my head's been turned I am not arrogant enough to think I'll find a 30 y/o desperate to have kids. The chances are I may be a lonely bachelor, but becasue I am having fantasies about it makes me feel guilty that I should not be ignoring these thoughts and should be more truthful about wanting to go (without explaining that I have a Reggie Perrin style obsession with my young secretary) (who I laugh a lot with but is married to a complete prick, so no, I'm not going there - but I do imagine there might be someone similar who isn't married to a prick who wants my kids).

In a nutshell I am sad that life is passing me buy. Sad that I don't fancy my wife any more (I can't pretend can I?). Sad that my step child does respect me but I'm never going to be a proper dad and sad that I so far haven't had the balls to end it cos I secretly do think I'll die alone.

had ow from the start just trying to make excuses for himself.

I think the woman also should not be a victim in this as she new what she was doing when choosing a younger man and what might happen.
You have just grown apart which may have happened without an age gap.

Op are you a reasonably good looking man?

@Cuppaqueen NO, the opposite. I feel terribly guilty about not fancying her any more. Guilty about the hurt I'll cause if I go. Guilty about the child. I feel sad for me, sure, but also guilty and shit about the damage I'll do.... this is what I feel every time I don't go.

As for all the comments about 'you knew what you signed up for', that's just bullshit. Did you people meet your partners in a solicitors office and sign up within an affidavit clause. Jesus, people fall in love all the time under tricky or less than ideal circumstances.

You need to tell your wife that it's over and then do the decent thing and leave.

Don't have an affair.

Your wife will then have a good chance of finding someone new or being happily single - and so will you.

If you hang around through cowardice and have an affair it will be absolute fucking shit for everyone. Hope that is crystal clear.

but I do feel that I've done a good job and need to move on

If you think parenting is something you move on from then you haven't done a good job.

The rest of it sounds like one of those self-indulgent, priapic, US male novelists who were so inexplicably successful a few decades ago.

Just get on with it and stop the navel gazing. Unless you're hoping to work these posts up into a first draft?

Two things;

1. Your SDD doesn't hug you after 10 years of being her main father figure - why?

1. What you have with you SDD - paying, loving, giving time and not necessarily getting anything at all back, that is parenting. Having an attitude that you want something for you is entirely incompatible with having children. If you want children you need to be prepared to commit to sacrificing things for you for them without much possibility of any return.

How many times will you say how selfless you have been? You've met someone else and now your wife and SD don't seem like such a good idea. Move on. They deserve better.

You knew when you married her that she had a child yes? And that you were becoming a stepdad yes?

You don't just get to say 'oh I was pretty good at that' and then 'move on'...

OP I usually hate it when people ask this but what are you hoping to get out of this thread?

You could go to a disco where people like to dance rather than get drunk. You can meet new women when out with the lads. Join a club you might meet someone nice. There are more men than women believe me you will be wanted. You have to work on your confidence.

So end it. Relationships end all the time.

I do agree with sunshineonacloudyday, we need to see you!!! Sorry, but the harsh truth is that some men will have no problem finding a younger woman to have their own child with. And for some men, well, they will be fortunate if a woman their own age or older grows to love them for their personality. So it is all very individual.

I have done internet dating and pof and okcupid are chocful of men of 50ish stating ''want children'' and I do raise an eyebrow tbh as at 45 most of these guys aren't tempting me (at a glance I mean, I know personality is a large factor in attraction)

As for women roughly the OP's age, what do we do!? ''Settle'' for the dregs so we don't get dumped a few years down the line

I don't hate the OP but it really is a horribly depressing thread.