Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

And on that final comment I leave you to your popcorn while the feminazis (who probably secretly want me ;) x ) to tear into me... bye!

Except there are then several more posts, so you can't even do that.

You asked for advice on leaving your wife which you've had more than a few opinions on, yet you've not bothered to listen to any of it. So, to be frank, what the hell was the point of asking for advice which you've totally ignored. And what is the point of wasting the time of (& insulting) well meaning people who were only trying to help you?

So when you said, 'I need a slap in the face and some thought-provoking comments,' what you really wanted to hear was Rhymin' Simon.
Anything else and we're all a load of nasty schoolgirl bullies.

I'm too busy munching cock to Cate about your navel gazing. Soz

Or care. (Is Cate a word??)

What a bunch of cock munching psychos

Anyone tries to munch me and I be doing time

About four years ago, when I was in my late 30s I thought I was going through early menopause. I was pretty worried. I didn't know what impact it would have on my health, I had all these awful symptoms - cycles changing, moods erratic, hair falling out, waking at night soaking with sweat - it was worrying.

So I went to my GP who took blood tests and asked me if my mum had gone through early menopause. I knew she had but didn't know the details so I asked her the next time I visited. I told her I thought it was happening to me, and how worried I was about what it might mean for my health.

"Well whatever you do", she whispered to me, "don't tell your husband".
"What, why? Of course I'll tell my life partner, I am worried about my health, I need to talk through options, I need his support. That's part of the point of having a life partner".
She shook her head. "Believe me, men hate to hear about their partners having the menopause, it makes them feel old and they can't bear to feel old. Keep it secret if you want to keep hold of him, my girl".

Of course I walked off shaking my head, of course I did. And I thanked my lucky stars that I didn't live in an age where I had to do maintain some crappy veneer of youthful perfection in order to keep a man who didn't deserve to be kept. Fucking hell though, maybe she was right.

In the end though, it turns out my bloods were normal and I didn't have early menopause at all. I had depression and severe anxiety caused by living in the awful, oppressive atmosphere created by my husband of the time who, among other things, was seething with resentment because ultimately he wanted me to be someone else. And all that depression and anxiety rather fabulously lifted when I made him leave and he moved in with his girlfriend (who, incidentally, really is now going through early menopause).

Anyway, I'm getting married next week to someone whose relationship goal is for us to be old and grey together. Either he's a man with maturity and integrity, untouched by bullshit evolutionary psychology theories, or he's a perv who fancies geriatrics. I'm fine with either, tbh.

Love that post greypaw!
And congrats!
This was both an entertaining thread, and a depressing one.
Man starts out all soul searchy and sensitive, ends with raving about feminazis and cock munchers..
So...man been married ten odd years, fancies a bit with his secretary, doesn't fancy hiss wife anymore, decides "well, the kids not really mine anyway" and wants a way to turn the clock back, be able to dump his wife and have a bunch of random women's blessing to give it a dignified couple of months then shack up with a new younger bird?
I think what he's not getting is that most of us have heard it all before. It's not a new story. It's, sadly, rather banal and clichéd.
Of course if you have fallen out of love, then leave. Whether you are a man or a woman.
But don't retrospectively decide that it's all because she is shrivelled up while you are still in the first flush and need, no, deserve a better life.
It's weird how men have these genes whereby they only fancy youngsters, but op did at one point fancy a 38 year old. And presumably a 40+ year old. I don't think all men have the same genes anyway.
I hope of Jamie's wife clocks him on here, has a read, realises what a knob he really is and changes the fucking locks.
Have a on me Mrs Jamie.

I think my lovely fella is a perv who fancies geriatrics too, as he doesn't really fancy women under 30, and never has. He reckons that it's only when when get comfortable in their own skin that they get sexy. Conversely, even though he is 2 years younger than me, he is by some years the oldest man I have ever been with... I also know he will go bald, and grey, and probably get a paunch. He thinks aboout his pension more than I ever have. I'm holding that in store, just in case I ever need to go and find myself with the office junior.. ( I'm not!)

Jeez, some of you need to give the guy a break. The earlier advice was sound albeit varied. Latterly some of you sound like complete man hating harridans . Sorry but that's my take on some of the later input.

Any one of us could find ourselves in a situation we couldn't possibly have envisaged when we were newly in love. Situations change, people change, people make mistakes. We all have a right to happiness and to start over.

The OP needs to move on with his life and give his wife the chance to do the same. His heart is clearly no longer in this relationship and he would be doing his wife grievous harm to remain in the current situation. She deserves more than that. When love dies it can rarely be resurrected. As others have said, BE KIND. And continue to love and look out for your DSD. Your responsibilities towards her are life-long.

Hang on a minute NightOwl! He's calling us cock munching Feminazis, and we are the ones sounding like man hating harridans?

People are rightly calling the OP out on his navel gazing fuckwittery! If his heart is no longer in the marriage, then he should leave. Staying with his wife, unless he was going to make a genuine go of his marriage (which seems to be off the table), isn't doing anyone any favours, especially not his wife, depressed or not!

I think he called us cock hating feminist geese who secretly want to nosh him off as well?
It's all a bit muddled in his mind bless him.

I don't think her depression will get better knowing you are only there until she is better then you are gone.

It is hard however she will only start to get better if you leave.

I think he's flounced

In response to the goading and trolling I suspect!

Please leave your wife.

You're a prick and she needs to get herself well without you like a millstone about her neck when she's depressed. She knows you want out, if she's intelligent she'll know you have a potboiler and you'll make things worse.

You're not doing her any favours sticking around, you're just feeding your Christ complex.

If you're as unimaginative in real life as you are with on here, your wife will go from strength to strength without you to parent as well.

Of course she's depressed.

She's hitting the menopause and her DH has announced he wants to trade her in for a younger model, to make babies with.

Great timing. To inflict the maximum hurt possible.

Oh and to make it even worse, he's already ogling up other women. What a horrible situation for her.

There was I thinking that you treat depression with non judgemental support from your friends and family and possibly medication.

Who knew that your partner who already thinks you're past your best and wants to start a new life, was actually more helpful....

OP, just a word of caution regarding parenting (from my experience).

I married my DH at just shy of 30, and him just shy of 50 (deliberately not being too specific), and actually I think your chances of finding a woman who wants to settle down and have kids are probably quite high.

BUT...

If you are also feeling like you want to be selfish (not said in a judgey way) and want to do things just for you for a while, then I honestly think having kids would be a terrible experience for you and you would probably have your head turned quite quickly again, and this time leaving a lot more devastation if you had already created a family with someone.

My DH very much wanted kids, but now that we have them, he openly admits that he struggles... struggles with having less of my time and attention, struggles with having to spend almost every ounce of time, money, and energy on the children with very little left over for him or for us.

Now, it won't always be like this, and we love each other so we're pressing on through. But I would think very carefully in your position whether the idea of having children is better as a fantasy rather than something you really want to pursue, because it's about as incompatible with being selfish (again, not meant judgily, is that a word?) as is possible to be.

Oh, and some more random pontificating, because it looks like the whole thread is about to go up in a fireball anyway.

To me, the most precious part of a relationship is the opportunity it offers to learn how to love. The real deal, the thing almost every storybook and music video tells us life is all about. Maybe I'm just not jaded enough yet, but I'd hope that in the absence of abuse or real misery, that it would be worth seeing the relationship as a kind of opportunity to seek love and find out what it's really all about, perhaps especially in the light of challenges and because of them, rather than in spite of them.

Don't know if you've ever read "The Little Prince", but in it he basically talks about loving a rose because of the effort he's put into caring for it against the odds. Anyway, I'm waffling now, maybe you just want to go out and have fun, but I wonder if you'd be missing out on a deeper treasure that you might have to work harder for, but would also reap greater rewards from, real intimacy and love. A deeper relationship that is only made possible because of the difficulties you've traveled through to reach it.

Anyway, don't know how wise it is to ramble my thoughts unfiltered into the aether, but there we go.

Thanks

The thing is Jamie, you can end the relationship and still be kind and supportive. You don't have to be cruel and fuck off without a backwards glance, though it does seem to be an unwritten rule for men (and women) who have had their heads turned. It may make you feel good to be a martyr, but you are doing her more harm than you could ever imagine.

I will never understand why the OP got so much grief. Frankly if a woman had posted the same thing, she would have got sympathy. As someone who came here for advice once (had to name change after due to the amount of aggressive comments and accusation of trolling) I totally understand your frustration OP.

Good luck with whatever u choose to do.