Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

Not going to help the situation now but was wondering op if the subject of children was ever discussed when you met or married? Did you want them? Did she?
However you approach this it will be extremely difficult and I think you're brave to post here to be honest, best of luck to you.

Why didn't ypu have a child with your wife 10 years ago? Was it a mutual decision not to have more?

If you are truly unhappy then leave. Yes there will be hurt but it's better than it becoming resentful and bitter a few years down the line.

My grandfather started having children at 46, and finished (after seven children) when he was 57. (His wife was 18 years younger). To those saying that the OP will be needing fertility treatment, that's bollocks. Men don't have the fertility window that women have. Unfair, but that's biology for you.

You sound unhappy in your relationship, OP. The kindest thing is to do it quickly and say that you have grown apart (which is true).

Your goals and dreams are not those of your partner. You have done nothing wrong.

You've got feelings for someone else.

That's what it's about, pure and simple. Only you can know whether those feelings are enough to act on but please be aware the grass is rarely really greener.

I agree with PPs that mentioning the Porsche may have been an error in judgement - it does smack a bit of the stereotypical mid-life crisis plus they're ostentatious, plasticky-looking twat-mobiles but I'm not a petrolhead so therefore in no position to judge

1. Don't blame anyone for the divorce. It is no-one's fault if you want different things. Wanting to enjoy more quality time with loved ones rather than working day and night until you die, and wanting to make sure you will not be living in poverty in your old age are things you, too, should be thinking about, at your age. They are not anything you need to blame anyone for. It's enough to say that you both want different things; doesn't mean either of your plans is better.

1. Acknowledge her pain. Don't go on about how you still love her and it is hurting you as much as it is hurting her. It hurts to be dumped, however nicely, and you do not have to prove what a great, loving guy you are. You have fallen out of love; that is allowed.

1. Leave her daughter out of it.

1. Don't compare your current partner to any new one. You chose her for a reason; don't backtrack and decide that actually you didn't like her after all. Let her at least enjoy her memories.

It is ok to leave a relationship that is no longer working, but there is no way of doing so without causing a lot of hurt.

You can make it easier by 1. Not cheating. Infidelity causes a huge amount of pain and is very damaging not just to your DW, but your families and even yourself. You'll become the guy who cheated on his wife. Not a great selling point. 2. Be fair, financially.

I think if I'd brought up a kid since I was 27, I would not be raring to start all over again. But maybe you really, really love kids, OP. Like really, really, really. There's so much you will be able to do without a kid tieing you down - amazing holidays, investments, change of careers if you want to start again as a football coach or a teacher. Is your DW into these things? Is she looking forward, does she have ideas? Or is it all about slowing down? Have you talked about it with her?

Does this woman who has turned your head already have children? Is she child bearing age? I wonder if the head-turning is making you want kids. Did you want your own kids before this? 'Love' lust does funny things to the brain and you end up justifying yourself. 'I want my own kids' sounds a lot better than 'I fancy a younger woman'.

Ketsby's advice is great and also provides a less painful way out if you do genuinely want different things (as opposed to different people) - although you have to be prepared for your DW to fully embrace the fun, Porsches and dirty weekends in Italy.

I think you will be flamed for fancying a younger person and acting on it (by leaving the marriage and justifying your abandonment with clever reasons). No one will flame you for leaving a marriage which has different dreams and aims.

Your wife's failings are a red herring: you want to shag someone else.

End it with your wife and tell her the truth, not the Script.

She probably suspects anyway.

Having a family, having kids is not at all about you being biologically related really. It is about being committed.

The fact you have been a stepdad for so long and now you are deciding you are not really a dad I think says more that you have a superficial attachment to the family you are already in, either because you always did (not thinking things through etc) or because you have had your 'head turned' and are rewriting history...

You have a family, a wife and a child. Your relationship with your wife may not workout and you may not be right for each other but I just don't think a man who would be a stepdad for more than a decade and then say 'another man's child' is not really a prime candidate for parenting really.

my husband is nearly 37 and at a peak of his energy! never looked better, never felt better and i can't even imagine him slowing down or not being able to have another child!?!

it's ok for a relationship to end ..

raven. Your fourth point made me cry a little. Yep, it's the re-writing of history that hurts the most.

You could be describing my neighbours.

She is 12 years older than her husband and they got together when her daughter was 3.

Really happy for a long time but when he was 38 and she was 50 and her daughter was at uni, they split up.

Like you, OP, the age gap became an issue. She was content to be middle aged - he suddenly felt the need to test the water beyond the comfortable but dull (to him) marriage he was in.

He left and met a woman in her 30s and they now have 2 small children.

The first wife had a difficult time but is now happily living with a man a couple of years older than she is.

You might well find the grass is not greener, but you're clearly unhappy in your relationship and I think you know which way it's going to go.

This is sad and yet mesmerising.

At 45, the only man i've felt a xonnection to in the last few years wont be my bf. He is 3 years younger than i am.

OP if you are goung ro end it do it now. Give her time to adjust to this shock before the big birthday.

The internet is full of 50 year old men who want children. They want a younger woman to fix their forgetfulness/procrastination.
So in your favour you are only 40 ish

You have been in your SD's life. You dont even know that there will be more children for you to be a father to, so value your SD even if you are hoping for another child.

Someone on another thread mentioned 'Midlife for Dummies'. Google it. It's basically the advice you are looking for, OP. Good luck.

are you sure you want kids OP or is this what you feel you want fuelled by not wanting to do anything more for your DSD?

You can meet a younger woman when older - my DB when he was I think mid 30s met a woman 9 years his junior but they're now trying to have kids and having to go through IVF soon but his sperm is the factor - not strong enough? but his ex-wife got pregnant by him so not sure how that happened.

time to do some soul searching but if you want this then tell your DW now and make plans to leave.

Definitely leave now, kindly, and allow her to move on now while she is only 48 rather than rumbling on discontentedly for another few years by which time she'll be well in her 50s. You and she may well both find that the grass is greener. Don't expect to go trotting back if it isn't though. I know several men who have left their wives for a younger woman and now regret it but can't go back as their wives are happily married to someone who really appreciates them. Whatever you do, try to be kind and as others have said, perhaps seek legal advice first so you can help her move on too.

BTW, if your new attitude to having children is at all influenced by knowing that the potential new partner wants children ... don't forget that half your brain is saying you want a Porsche. Maybe you just want this new partner and are considering a child as that is the only way to get her? Have a good think about whether, if you are single, you really are prepared to have a child within the next few years. If there is any part of you saying "Oh, but we'll have at least 5 years of fun before she wants a child" or "Who knows if we'll still be together then" or "I think I'll feel differently about it when I actually see the child" or basically anything other than "I'd really love to have a child", be very, very careful what you promise this new woman, or what you lead her to think about your future. Men do have a bigger window for kids - and us women's smaller window means that we are at risk of getting fucked over by timewasters who reduce or take away our chances of having a child at all. Don't be that timewaster. (I speak as the ex in this scenario, watching the new woman's biological clock ticking away as she gradually discovers my ex might not actually want kids with her as much as he claimed.)

Sperm quality/quantity/motility can decrease with ageing (and lifestyle factors). Fertility is not just a women's issue. It is usually the quality of the eggs that are released that are the problem for women's fertility as they age too.

Oh and on the 'don't waste her time' theme, be very clear that this is the end and mean it. Don't leave any hint or implication that you might come back if things don't work out with the new woman. Don't go back if that happens. If you did, you might have your head turned and let her down again.

DW will need to time to be angry, upset, grieve, then recover herself and move forwards in a new direction. Don't get in her way. Don't trip her up with faint hints or hopes. Let her move on.

What a classic drip-feed. You've fallen for another woman. A younger woman, as it happens. You're probably already having an emotional affair. So now you want to find a nice way to tell your wife that she's too old and past it and her commitment to her child is too expensive. To blame her, basically.
She'll think you're a twat, and who can blame her really.

And you're choosing between a Porsche and a child. Not a cliche at all.

@Manumission and others re the Porsche and babies. I did say I haven't thought this through and my mind is a mess. I'm basically thinking allowed. Perhaps if I explain that I have spent 14 years paying for SDD and all the household stuff and virtually nothing on me it wouldn't sound quite as crass?

I am 33 my partner is 53 we had our 4th and last child last year. Men are different to women we have clocks they don't. My partner talks about retiring now and slowing down in his 60's. It doesn't bother me I feel fulfilled inside. My next step now is working on my career.

Unless someone held a gun to your head to provide for your stepchild then stop going on about it.

Many adults decide that when they marry a lone parent, they are joining together as a family and therefore playing a full part in meeting the needs of their child - both emotionally and financially. Other adults decide that isn't the case for them and that although they're marrying the parent this won't make the child part of their family. It's for each couple to discuss and decide, based on their circumstances and feelings on the matter. You can't rewrite history at this point and use this as a reason to exit the relationship.