Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

Well, 27 is not 16. You really should have thought it through as a fully grown adult!!! At 27 I was married with four kids and a house.

Anyway, you didn't and you don't want to be with her.

You should leave and sooner rather than later.

There is no way to break up that is going to be nice I'I afraid. You just need to tell her.

• you never know at the end who will come to your rescue.

Oh dear, I feel you shouldn't have mentioned a Porsche.

Your alternative may well become spending £thousands on private fertility treatment, which may or may not be successful, with concomitant effects on happiness. And/or spending a lot on equipping a nursery, a sensible family car, starting another college fund. Putting your Porsche aspirations on hold for about another 25 years.

Of course your DW wants to support your dd through uni, that's what parents do. There may be a discussion to have about the level of support but most parents would feel that if they can afford to make it easy and keep costs down, they would. Buying a flat saves money and gives you the money back when you sell, so a great idea.

As a woman married to a younger man (only five years and we've got children together) I'd absolutely hate the idea of his staying with me out of guilt or obligation. Please don't do that to her OP. At her age, she's still got a chance of maybe meeting someone else who shares her interests and dreams. I don't think you owe it to her to give up your dreams and aspirations. If you were the same age and wanted different things out of life, then you wouldn't stay together, so why should the age difference change things. What you DO owe her is honesty and respect. Sit down and talk to her. Allow her to be angry, without you hitting back. Listen to her. Sort out your finances. And then go forward. Please don't just dump your step daughter though. You've been a highly significant part of her life.

At 39, I'm afraid most women you meet will :

1. already have children
2. have decided they don't want children
3. be unable to have children

But let's say you were lucky....it would still take you perhaps a few years to meet "the one", then possibly a few more to conceive, so at best you'd be 41-43 when you had your first. So, you'd be 60 when that child left home (assuming it went to Uni at 18) or, if it didn't go to Uni, it would still be at home when you were in your 70's.

When you are sat with a baby at 41, covered in sick, exhausted from zero sleep and your new wife is also knackered and you have no sex life....you might just feel a pang of regret thinking of your very well rested Ex wife as she embarks on a 5* cruise with her new man. Not saying this to be mean, it's just a reality check.

Well unless you go for a woman who is 9 years younger who perhaps gets to 39 and realises she is married to an old man and would rather have a Porsche than look after the kids!

I don't think you sound callous. I also think you know the relationship has run its course, so the sooner you end it the better for all concerned.

You need to be prepared for your wife to be angry and you need to acknowledge her right for that. As one PP said: Be kind.

You also need to think about your duty ro your daughter. I know you say she is your step daughter, but think clearly about what responsibility you owe her and what impact this will have on her. You do have a duty to this child.

And by the way, no one likes nagging. Do your wife a favour by listening to her a little more. Give her some respect in the time you are sorting this out.

Good luck to you all.

Hmmm, ok, she's a year older than me and I don't talk about retirement or menopause (yet) , so I think she maybe is older in her outlook. Clearly you want to be younger.

I had a friend this happened to, she was about 15 years older than him and yes, she got to early fifties and he went off with someone much younger. She was beyond devastated.

It looks like you are now at different life stages and only you can decide. I think that as you are posting this, you probably already have made the decision.

HuskyLover, there are tons of women on here who are in their late thirties and single who want to meet someone they could have a baby with. Half of them have probably PM'd the OP already! It's ridiculous to suggest he might be too old.

If you've grown apart that's one thing. People fall out of love. Just be kind and be honest.

But I will say reading your post it sounds like you're in as much of a "manopause" as your wife is having a menopause. You're conscious of becoming older and imagine yourself swanning off into the sunset with a much younger woman than your wife and having babies and having a fancy sports car. Really?! You have very rose tinted glasses.

Without a doubt the relationship sounds like it's coming to an end for whatever reasons.

We have only your side of the relationship but as others have said, she does sound a little old before her time.

Speaking about the final "push" to put away a bit more money in a pension at 48 is one thing, but speaking about retiring soon at 48, but still wanting to support her DD in some big financial way at the same time gives me the sense that she is leaning on the advantage of your youth and willingness to provide and support her wishes and lifestyle, while you work. Or is she wealthy enough to be self sufficient for herself and her daughter?

It doesn't appear that way if she's commenting on your personal spending. Unless you are completely frivolous and she's supporting you.

I'm very conscious with my DP that he isn't my DSs dad, and therefore only provides financial support if he wants to, not as an expectation.

Where is the DDs dad?

I would look into the financial support and expectation from her side following a divorce. Because you could end up a lot worse off, and unable to support a new family. Seek some legal financial advice.

I'm 45 and in the middle of a divorce, never really focussed hugely on pension but now I'm losing half of it to my cock lodger STBXH I'm realising that time is running out and it needs to be a focus.

And I think sadly at your age, and following a divorce and setting yourself up again it'll be Porsche or child, not both.

You want babies AND a porsche?

Have you really thought this through?

You need to leave. Personal feelings aside of dreading ending up with a man who feels like this and exactly why I wouldn't marry a man who doesn't have kids when I don't want more, your reasons do sadly scream some slight shallow selfish thinking along with the sheer fact you want different things.

Leave before you cheat, please.

Just be honest and say you feel like you are going in different directions

If you've already been to counselling and identified you want different things, just focus on that and that's your reason to finish things.
It's a perfectly fine reason.
Please don't ever tell your partner or your SDD about your resentful feelings about raising her. They're something to keep inside, never expressed. They could cause a young girl terrible pain and it's not fair to damage her on your way out of the partnership with her mum.

It sounds like you have made up your mind so finish things as kindly as you can. Try and be fair regarding the splitting of assets etc. I would say though that your step daughter is your daughter now so you should continue to support her financially and if that means not buying a Porsche so be it!!! If you don't act like a real father would act at this stage your relationship with her may fail.

I would finish things as soon as you can as it would be very unfair to have an affair.

I think if you are unhappy, and wondering how your life could be different if you had a child f your own, your marriage is already over and you just need to be honest. It will be hard for you all. Come up with a fair plan and present it to her.

So hang on, you didn't have the intelligence to look a few years down the line, but now you are there and the inevitable biological changes are happening, you want to stop supporting your step-daughter and leave your wife?

I actually think that's an excellent idea. I can't imagine any woman deserving such a shallow relationship.

Maybe next time think it through. Like, you know, what if the next model is infertile, or goes through early menopause, or you start to age and can't keep up.

True Imperial but, as I know from experience, fertility declines from 35 and more steeply from 40. This creates something of a potential dilemma, as a new couple is likely to want and benefit from some time together alone, creating and strengthening their bond as a couple, before embarking on creating a family. Presumably most of the OP's professional late-30s friends, now procreating, have already been together for a while.

So, 'playing it by numbers', (which may be irrelevant as OP has his eye on someone), he'd be 'safer' with someone in their very early 30s. An immediate plunge into parenthood in a new relationship might not be an easy or successful path (might of course).

Hahahaha babies and a porsche - missed that bit. Good luck with that one, honey

does your wife post here? Are you hoping she'll make the links between your username and her life being described, so you don't have to tell her?

I think you should get it over with, and tell her face to face, so she can move on. She must think things are okay if she's planning the future with you.

Then go and decide whatever it is that you want to do next once she's in a position to do the same.

You want babies AND a porsche? Have you really thought this through?

I know!!

Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. And I bet there's a OW in the wings. I feel sorry for the DW.

It's not about babies or a Porsche or menopause though is it? It's about the fact you've 'had your head turned'. It's a load of random justifications for wanting to fuck another woman. Be honest with yourself at least.

If your head has been turned then I think "end it cleanly before you start an affair", would be my advice. It will hurt like hell for your DW, but at least you'll have been honest and you will be able to co-parent. When I say "end it cleanly", obviously do so kindly too - do not let on to her that she's "too old", or anything like that. (I say that as a menopausal woman whose ex was more than 10 years younger than me, so I do know what relationships like yours look like - though I am definitely not in the "winding down to retirement" category).

I was about 27 and her about 38 and youthful

But you said you're 39 and DW is 48. Is there 9 years difference of 11 years difference OP?

Anyway, tell her how you're feeling sooner rather than later. No crime falling out of love, but don't string her along

You're not actually thinking about a woman your own age are you? You're already thinking about 'getting' a younger one. Because having babies with fellow 38-year-olds isn't always as easy as you might think! But then I suppose you'd be able to get the Porsche...