Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

I don't think it's fair to say he should have known at 27 how he'd feel now. Plenty of women think they don't want kids at 27 and change their minds in their late 30s. I can see how that would happen here, especially as his SDD is leaving home. Plus the whole turning 40 thing, we all know how that can make you reappraise what you want from life, and it sounds like there was already plenty of reappraising going on long before then.

The porsche/younger model/greener grass thing smacks of fantasy, but have to say the nightmare scenario upthread about a new dad in his early 40s is equally far-fetched. Plenty of men marry and become dads at that age and there isn't necessarily a shortage of women who would want them. I'd say both the OP and his partner should probably have a shot at finding love again with someone who wants the same things. As for how to separate, well, there's no nice way to do it, but it certainly helps to be honest and kind and all the other selfless things that often fly out of the window. Good luck, OP.

I would leave if I were you.

But do it kindly.

Sounds like DSD was 4 when you met then. So you missed the baby and toddler stage and she was either already at school or soon to be so. Be aware that although you resent the limitations on your freedom and nagging around your weekly evening out, if you embark on a new relationship and have a baby, and your new partner may be in the market for at least 2 babies if she throws her lot in with you and has the time on her side. You may find your freedom and choice of car restricted more in the new relationship than the current one. If your new partner doesn't want to be a SAHM for 5 years expect childcare to cost somewhere in the ball park of £1,000 per month for a couple of years per child.

We're all wondering how far the turning of head has gone, and whether it's reciprocated. What a pity if you left your wife and it turned out the other woman only wanted a fling/was just flirting for fun and thinks you're too old for her/you don't have as much in common as it first seemed.

Just don't cheat.

My ex had his 'head turned' (we're both 41) and pursued the younger woman. It was incredibly painful and I'm still not coping very well. If you want to leave for your own reasons, that's fine, but don't leave her for someone else because the grass appears to be greener elsewhere. Until you've been on the receiving end, you'll never understand the shock, hurt, self-doubt and depression that follows from this.

Do the decent thing, make a clean break and then allow yourself some time on your own to figure out what you want. (Btw, my ex frequently tries to confide in me about his 'disaster' of a relationship with the OW - in his case, the 'greener grass' turned out to be something more akin to AstroTurf. Tough luck)

oh come off it, can we step back and treat this guy like an adult? The Porsche/baby cynicism is ridiculous. I had a Porsche when I had DD, we kept it 3 years, it is a car, as is a mini or a renault...you can get 4 seater models. it isn't a bloody UFO!!

It sounds to me like a lot of people here would rather you stuck at an unhappy relationship than call it a day and find happiness elsewhere. I don't imagine you DP is particularly thrilled at the current state of affairs, and I think a frank conversation with a plan of what happens next is needed. Keep SDD out of the relationship conversation, she is not the reason it has broken down, you and your wife are.

good luck.

Imperial I know there are some women late 30's, with no kids yet, and wanting kids....but I think they are in the minority. Most women have had their kids by then. And unless Op has already got his "new model" lined up, he'll be in his 40's by the time he meets her. He'll be lucky if he gets that Porche before 70.

You are pretty much my DP four years ago. He had a 14 year age gap between himself and his ex and whilst this didn't matter in his twenties and thirties it started to matter once she was in

More than anything though, don't waste your DW's time.

She has plenty of time now, to find someone else to enjoy the next 30+ years of her life with. If you've already checked out emotionally, don't hang around imagining she'll be grateful.

Split cleanly, stay friends, remain a good step-dad.

Then do whatever you like.

OP, my DH was in your position 6 years ago (minus the StepDD). He'd been with someone older for a long time and he got to th stage in his life where she was talking about the same things as your DW, retirement etc and he felt exactly the same as you. He took the courageous decision to leave, and it wasn't easy. However when things settled down he met me and we now have wonderful DC. If you really feel you want a family of your own then I think you should leave. Be honest with her and do it face to face.

Would you be thinking any of this OP if you hadn't already met someone else? Is this at the stage of an emotional affair? You would not be the first.

It does seem a shame you didn't just have dcs with your wife back when you met and that was more feasible.

OP you are SO NOT to old to have a family! I met my DH when I was 37 and he was 44. He was my DREAM partner - grown up, accomplished, wise, secure, and already with two gorgeous and happy kids.

And here I am about to turn 41 and 10 weeks pregnant with our second child. Currently lying on bathroom floor with Hyperemesis (second time with HG). My DH is now 48 (a decade older than OP), and it never crosses our minds that our age will negatively impact our parenting! Ill health aside, we will be delighted to have a full and young family at home for the next 20 years or so.

Oh and DH has three kids under 12 (and one on the way), AND a Porsche. Just saying. Isn't that just about having the funds available to have more than one car? Maybe OP is loaded?

OP, I have no idea if your marriage is over or not. But if it is, and if you are kind and decent and respectful about it - then your dream of a family is perfectly reasonable and good luck to you. I was 38 when I had my first, and I am SO happy I didn't miss out on being a parent. Although as I cradle the loo yet again I ave my moments....

Alright OP, I'll bite. I'm the lady, my husband's older than me and frankly he's gone a bit elderly, pipe-and-slippers and retirement and how we should live as dull as humanly possible. No daays out, no holidays, no meals out, never spend a penny, save save save for retirement and 'a rainy day' and we're probably going to just DIE of boredom on a pile of cash.

Me, I'm of an age where my peers are still childless and partying, having careers and nice flats that aren't full of kid-junk and man-junk (boxes upon boxes upon boxes of ancient, decades old credit card statements and salvaged screws.) So yeah. It creates a bit of a rift, I get it, because you want to scream that things aren't the way they are when you were both of a 20sish30sish persuasion. And they shouldn't be, obviously, you can't do the 20s thing anymore. But it doesn't mean you can't still have fun.

Here's the rub.

1. I don't tell him he's a clapped out banger and I want to down shots and cocktails with a younger bloke. I tell him I want to do those things with him. Whereas he's gone a bit nervous about 'young' bars, I tell him - and I mean it - that I love him, would love to be in those bars with him. I feel like it's my job to stop him getting all 'old' and keep making time for fun. I will drag him to the theatre if I have to. I will book the holiday and tell him he's going if I have to. He will, quite frankly, NOT get old on my watch!

1. Don't have kids at 39. I had mine early twenties and I feel knackered and old and clapped out myself, to be honest, but at least by my early thirties they'll be in school and I have my life back. I could not imagine doing this at 39, and nope, no bunch of pregnant mates could convince me. Because babyhood is shit. It's sleep deprived, vomit covered shit. This fantasy where you trade in for a younger model will be all well and good until she's pregnant and then surrounding by a screaming toddler or two, and then you'll be right back here posting "God, she's no fun any more, all she talks about is mastitis, vaginal scarring and never wants sex."

1. So let's go back to 1. Let's assume you actually want to fix this, so you lay it out on the table as I did with mine. "Hey! I'm not ready to get old yet and you know what, my love? Neither are you. You are still young and fun and sexy and we both need to embrace this time to explore new things and have some fun together. We need to go out on dates, see movies, go to the theatre, whatever it is we want to do and we occasionally fantasise about doing with other people, or moaning we never do any more. I want to have fun sexy adventures - and I want to do them with you.

3a) She agrees. She says 'You're right, I've been banging on about being an elderly for too long. 50 is the new 30! Instead of dismissing things as being 'too young' or 'not for me' I'm going to embrace living a little!

3b) OK, she says no. Bummer. Now you literally want different things and that's a shame. But then, this becomes a split about wanting different things in life.

I understand how you might want a family and know that it's not possible with your wife. You are no longer in love with her so obviously don't need to sacrifice the possibility of having children for her. And you fancy someone else.

Lots of men (and women) start families at your age.

Most people overwhelming said leave and do it kindly and don't cheat

No one said to stick at it if that's not what he wants

I would say the same to a woman if she had grass is greener ideas - you just have to be aware that not everything works out that way.

Get a puppy. Commit to house training it, feeding it, walking it, not being able to go out for the full day ever again - if you like that, have a child.

Pressed send too fast .... It started to matter once she got into her menopause and their relationship changed. They split after there was some significantly stressful life events (redundancy/house sale falling through). One adult SD who is now independent and doesn't keep in touch even though DP raised her from 6 and helped pay for her private education. He was single for over and year and then we met and have gone into to have two children and are getting married next year.

I'm now nearly 42 so I am no spring chicken but even though he thought he didn't want his own biological children I think he realises now that he would have missed out on something massive if he had stayed in his former relationship.

So my advice would be to end it as thoughtfully as you can as there is most likely another life out there for you and I'm absolutely sure there will be someone wonderful for your current partner too.

2. Don't have kids at 39. I had mine early twenties and I feel knackered and old and clapped out myself, to be honest, but at least by my early thirties they'll be in school and I have my life back. I could not imagine doing this at 39, and nope, no bunch of pregnant mates could convince me.

What rubbish!

People are really thinking this guy at 39 is too old to meet a nice woman and have a family? What planet do you live on?!

ketsby. Great post. Your husband's a lucky guy.

Interesting.
I have the same age gap with my DH as you and your DW do (same ages too) - the difference being that I had 2 DC with DH. Also, I don't think about retiring! (although DH "jokes" about me being nearly old enough to head into one of the "Aged Care" retirement villages around the place).

Young DC probably helped to keep me young too, don't know about that though, I might just be dreadfully immature!

It really sounds like your needs and wishes are too diverse now - if you really want your own DC, then in all fairness, you have to tell your DW that that is what you want. It's a shame that it took you so long to realise it because even 5 years ago she might have been able to have another child with you - really is a bit late now, not without quite high levels of intervention, even if she wanted to go for it (which is debatable - I wouldn't at this age, having DS2 at 45 was enough for me!)

Is it the biological urge to procreate a child in your own image that's driving you to look for a "younger model"? Or is your DW completely set against having more children? Because even if you can't have a bio child of your own with her, you could potentially foster (she is probably too old to be accepted as an adoptive parent now, and you nearly are) - but if your need is for a bio child, then you have no real alternative than to leave her and find someone else.

Sorry for you - but I've known women in your position who have chosen to leave the marriage as well because their drive to have their own child has pretty much ruined the relationship - even though they still love their partner, they can't stay if it means they can't have their own children.

I have brought up another guys child totally selflessly, because to be honest I enjoy being a parent, and as my own were hopeless I really wanted to see if I could do better. I never used to think of ‘another man’s child’ about DD, but as I’ve just written it down I realise it does bother me. [...] It also irritates me that my DW still has plans for us to fund DD through college (private) and uni (buy a flat). But I think no, I want a Porsche and/or spend the money on my own children.

I don't care about the relationship stuff that, at least, is between adults but this is an unforgivably shitty way to treat a child. Your step-daughter is fifteen or sixteen? You've been on the scene since she was five or six? I assume you've taken on clear parental responsibility since you define yourself as having 'brought her up' (totally selflessly!).

But now it's different. She's 'another man's child', you don't want to continue financial support for her education, and you want to spend money on your own children. The proper (imaginary) ones, not the one who's actually here.

You assume credit for raising her as your own child, and yet you also want some sort of permission or absolution for deciding, a decade down the line, that she's not technically yours and that you deserve the real deal. If you truly have raised this child as your own, then this is an appalling attitude and could cause her so much damage -- it really isn't just a case of fucking up a GCSE or two.

I would say get out now so that your wife has time to find someone else who she can be happy with. If you don't love her then there is no point in dragging it out. Some people have said most women you will come across now will already have children? Perhaps, but you may meet someone in their 20s and then you might be facing the same issues again in a few years....but with roles reversed.

Yeah, I should have written more there.

Lots of people can and do have kids at 39 and are happy. I don't think the OP will be one of those. 1) He doesn't like people who 'act old and boring' and any age of new parent will act like that and b) he's had no prior sense of babyhood so he thinks it will be easy and c) the idea that he wants kids just because his peers are having them seems odd to me. I dunno. It just seems he hasn't thought that one through. "I think I might want kids of my own... or a Porsche." He seems to fear 'feeling prematurely old' - but having kids isn't going to make him feel any younger.

I guess in this particular case it doesn't seem like a very well thought out idea nor does it match with what he seems to be desiring from a relationship.

And yeah, he wants his own kids but begrudges paying for the one he's raised from a toddler?

He's not exactly promoting himself as a broody father-of-the-year.