Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

19 now!

But jaysus, my partners and I always knew the score and what was going on, and we had relationships based on the appropriate expectations.

So - in this case you don't know to what extent those expectations were discussed but have assumed that the OP is the one who got the wrong. Perhaps his wife also had appropriate expectations and will not be surprised at his current antics ?

Thats a point growapear from what he says she wants him at home more. Maybe she feels him slipping away.

When I say my head's been turned I am not arrogant enough to think I'll find a 30 y/o desperate to have kids.

I think you'd have little trouble finding a woman in her late twenties and it's not unrealistic.

Men in their 50s have left for younger women and continue to.

I think you'd have little trouble finding a woman in her late twenties and it's not unrealistic

Hmm, that kinda depends whether he looks like this, or like this??

I sympathise that people find the op irritating but pretending:

1. Parenting young kids in your 40s is a special kind ofhell and one spends sleepless nights dreaming of retirement cruisers.

1. That 39 is too late for a fella to have a family- and he'll end up old and lonely and full of regrets.

This is absolute rubbish.

What are retirement cruisers? Mobility scooters?

Yes it's a fancy name for them.

Actually...

Dyou think it will catch on?

birdy. I like it!

vanilla oh god it sounds like it could be him. although it also sounds like a lot of men in the RAF to be fair he wasn't bad looking so well done!

To be honest, I have sympathy for the OP.

I am a professional female that is 32 and think the wife demands quite a lot off him. The daughter does not need to be financed through uni, especially not buying a flat for her. I would also find it hard to part with my own money like that, selfish or not.

My stepfather who effectively raised me and is well to do never gave me that kind of money and I never expected it from him, neither did my mum.

It is not necessarily a case of him trading his wife in for a younger model but people do change, so do their own wishes.

Most of the women here have children so they cannot understand if your own desire for children remains unfulfilled. It's one of the most fundamental desires to have after all.

I think you should talk to your wife. She would probably rather be with someone who is happy to be with her, someone who is in love with her, someone who appreciates her and if she can't be she would probably rather be alone. You need to give her the information so she can make the choice.

You want released from the financial and domestic constraints that you feel your marriage brings. You want the chance to meet someone else. You want your own children. I wouldn't thank you for staying with me. You may not be doing her any favours staying with her. She might like to be in a happy relationship herself.
Relationships end all the time. You are not evil. But don't complain about her to others whilst staying with her. Be honest with her.

Fmlgirl, so you'd have a grown-up conversation, explain your point of view and seek to arrive at a mutually acceptable conclusion, wouldn't you. Just because she wants those things doesn't mean he's obliged to accede.

There's a strong whiff of passive resentment here. He doesn't have to do what she says, she's not his Mum.

Perhaps a grown-up discussion would result in her saying that if he's not fully committed to continuing to act as an equal parent, he's not someone she want to continue to parent with. But that would mean her breaking up with him - and that would be SO not on for his ego.

Or, it might result in them reaching a mutually acceptable conclusion, that allows him more time and money, revives their mutual interest in each other, at least gives that a chance. To start with it sounded like that was still worth a go. It's become clear he's already decided - and such a result would only corner him into admitting it's actually her age and his wandering eye that is the reason he's leaving.

Much better to whine about her unreasonable expectations and behaviours, without really trying to address them and work out whether and how they could fix things, than risk those uncomfortable outcomes.

I would rather know if my husband wasn't in love with me and wanted to leave. Your wife is not that old, several of my relatives have found very happy relationships in their sixties and even seventies, people who want to be with them til their dying day. You don't, so you should certainly move on now while she still has a chance to have a happy relationship with someone who really loves her and isn't cross she's menopausal and getting older.

This may not have occurred to you, of course, just as it didn't occur to my dad when he left my mum for a younger woman. She has gone on to considerable happiness, he is less happy and this annoys him immensely as he assumed she'd be sitting in crying all the time once he'd gone out of her life.

OP, you don't sound like a keeper, so don't drag it out, get on with it and then you are both free to find happiness elsewhere. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of obligation and habit.

Actually, I've re-read and your wife is only 48, so her chance of finding another relationship is high, she's got 30 odd years probably left on this planet, so please don't patronize her, just move on. It will be initially devastating, but better than your wandering eye/thoughts of younger women/feelings about wanting a biological child, which are undermining what you have.

I'm 45 and I've had two (short) relationships this year. I'm meeting some bloke tomorrow and I'm messaging another two.

It's not that hard to meet men. Hard to connect with somebody on a permanent basis perhaps so if you find a connection, value it and don't look over your shoulder with an eye out your whole life.

Yes, my friend's mum who is lovely, really good company (like her daughters) has had about three boyfriends in the last decade and she's in her late sixties now.
She ended with them all btw. One was too simple a soul, a real small town man. The next was a bit controlling. She is dating a neighbour now!

So OP, what are you going to do? What have u decided? What's the plan?

I've nothing more to say, sorry. Thanks for the feedback and PMs...

Husky

Hmm, that kinda depends whether he looks like this, or like this??

Those pics had me laughing. Very true though.

Interesting that OP ceased posting just before this thread showed up in the 'Paper That Must Not Be Named'.

I'm not saying he may NOT be genuine. I'm just saying I don't like the thought of us being used for click bait or as food for an article.

The term "swivel eyed" certainly had me thinking in that direction :) Haven't seen the article as I have cut back on the trash, but good luck to the writer if he/she is so desperate for cash.

thanks for the pms
What was in them, telephone numbers?