Advice on leaving your wife (Mr popular is here!)

[jamie000]

I know this will not make me popular but I have a very odd request, which is for advice on how someone in a relationship would prefer it to end. My DW and I have been on a rocky road for at least 2 years. We have had counselling but that made things worse as we began to realise we wanted different things. But we do have a very strong bond and we're pretty good parents to one DD so we've stuck things out. In between bad times we have had great times too as we've both made an effort to make things work, but now I feel we're at another crossroads. Our DD is leaving school. To be clear, she is my step-D and I have been a good step dad. The problem is my DW is older than me (48) and although this wasn't an issue 10 years ago it sadly is now. She talks about retirement, menopause, and things that I didn't expect to have to deal with for many years. I've come to think that actually I may want kids of my own, I'm not that old, my peers are still getting married and starting families and I seem to have aged prematurely. I feel like I should be thinking about kids and the future (my career is still growing) but my life is with someone who is planning retirement and slowing down at work. On top of that she has been very critical of me of late: too much work, not enough time at home, etc. Once a week (mid week) I go to the pub and stay untill about 10. I think that is reasonable but she is lonely and wishes I took her out more. But when we do go out I really don't think we have that much in common any more (it used to be DD that drew us together) and it pains me, as she is dear to me. Basically I think I love her but not in love with her. We have spoken about splitting up before but we've decided to 1) give it another go and 2) we shouldn't do that while DD is doing gcses. I want to go but I don't know if that is just an escape route instead on knuckling down, or if I just need to put more effort in, as she would probably say. Also, I wonder if I am going through my own kind of mid-life blip as I keep thinking about 30 something women and having kids etc... which was never on my radar 5 years ago. I'm confused. I need a slap in the face and some thought provoking comments.

This is a very entertaining thread. I love how a good MN thread descends into chaos

I think **Joelle speaks a lot of sense. I would hate to think my partner would stay with me out of pity. If it's not working, it's not working. I would ask you one thing, OP. Regardless of what is going on, can you imagine your life without your wife in it?

@CockacidalManiac “I'm a bloke; Jamie, mate, you're an embarrassment…”
I read that and had to put down my china cup on its doily, pick up my silk hand fan and cool my burning cheeks, ‘mate’.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba “….I have no respect for you.”
Gutted! [drops hand fan]

@TrippyMcTrapFace “Most GFs usually give up after a few posts, tenacious little fucker this one, isn't it.”
To be fair, I haven’t laid into my DW’s character have I? I’ve stuck to the superficial points about biological clocks, which does make me appear to be a bigger twat than I actually am… plus I like a good argument.

@ummizoomi

Agreed.

@SnowCurl Yes

This is not an endorsement of my general opinion, just a rather dreary view of dating stats (or more accurately sad old men's tastes):
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/28/seven-secrets-of-dating-from-the-experts-at-okcupid

jamie. . Should I laugh or cry at that link? am not twenty

This is still going??

It's terrible when you want to tell everyone fuck off you snappy-toothed bitches, I'm done with this and I'm leaving forever... but you also need to have the last word. Isn't the usual etiquette to post one final GO TO HELL then demand the thread gets locked?

That's ok Jamie, just say "nest of vipers" and all will be well.

I all honesty if you need to leave your wife do it soon so you can both rebuild your lives asap. But please don't say it's because of her age or bodily changes nobody can do anything about. That'd be a very twattish thing to do.

I do get the "what about me, what about my freedom, my dreams etc" kinda feelings. All parents feel like that from time to time, even if you had your own biological children there would be times when you'd feel resentful about being stuck, when things are not quite right. Who hasn't felt that way?!
But that is not a reason to break up.

We have 7 kids (oldest is 15, youngest is 2) and sometimes it seems I forever spend my life waiting for them, with them, doing stuff for them (and DH of course). And it can be utterly tedious. But you know what? I make sure I have time for me, that I keep contact with my friends & family, I have hobbies and interests and plans and I'm not gonna sit in a corner crying & blaming people that they ruined my life, the life I chose btw!
I only recently started tap dancing & I love it! Who says I can't do stuff just because I'm a SAHM?
So if you are using your family as an excuse for holding you back from achieving some dreams or goals I'm sorry but you are wrong. And unfair. It's not their fault.
Leave or don't but don't blame them for your unhappiness!
btw I drive a nice car

Does the relationship section have the same 1,000 posts max as AIBU? If so, keep going jamie - the last post is mine! (Wipes drivel my piranha teeth)

FROM my piranha teeth, even.....hard to type with a fin.

Jess for a piranha you are doing quite well! I'm typing with my fangs

Hopefully there will be a friendly, inquisitive duck beak-tapping her iPad (LilyPad?) along shortly...

Well, we're at 18 pages already do halfway through.

Jamie - you do realise that the definition of parenting is forfeiting the right to shit in peace, don't you?

Actually, do it. Leave your wife and your comfortable existence and come back in 5 years time to update us all about how your life has changed.

settles onto sofa and plays the long game

stifles sniggers

So what's your point with the link? That men are shallow twats with an unrealistic view of themselves? Some men are. Some men aren't. The problem is that you are and refuse to see it!

And a graphic showing that men 'desire' younger women doesn't mean that they're actually getting them, does it?

Who was the guy who won the lottery and ditched his wife for a younger woman (who claimed to have loved him from 'afar' for years and only 'plucked up the courage' to tell him days after his win), only to later say he wished he never won it, and wanted his wife back? What on earth could have gone wrong?

Vanilla

PMSL @ forfeiting the right to shit in peace😂😂
So accurate.
The other day MiniZing followed me to the bathroom and wanted to sit on my lap , Zinglette then turned up because she'd hurt her finger that needed immediate kissing and within minutes 2 others joined us with various emergencies, at which point I had to remark that there's nothing like a party when you're on the loo.🍸🍹🍻🍷

(We don't have a lock on purpose, I don't want them to lock themselves in. Invasion of privacy is inevitable)

Advice on leaving your wife? I think Paul Simon said it best when he said:-

The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

It really IS that simple

Tell her tomorrow night.

Some relationships only exist for the sake of the children and when the kids leave home. They look at their partner and think shit I don't like you that much I have to talk to you now. My friends mum walked out on her husband when she turned 18. As user said it really is as simple as that. I wonder if the op is female I would be in turmoil if I was in that situation.

Actually I think the op has spoken just his thoughts outloud and been very honest. He hasn't slagged his wife off. He's said all along that he loves her but that that isn't enough right now. He's gone for counselling. He hasn't had an affair. He's asked for advice about how to leave her kindly. I don't think he's going to be a bastard when he does leave her.

I think he's actually going about ending his marriage in a commendable way. Of course his wife is going to be hurt. He's got qualms himself but I think that he's now realised it is inevitable. Stop giving him a hard time. He's got defensive now but actally I don't blame him given recent posts.

FWIW op, my advice would be to do it sooner rather than later. It's hard enough turning 50 without your relationship ending at the same time. Be fair financially. Make it clear to DD that you want her in your life still. She may choose not to see you but at least she won't be emotionally damaged by a sudden rejection from you. Continue to support her financially too, whilst she's still a student. That's what you do for children that you love. Focus on the fact that the relationship has run its course, and the we want different things from life, angle. Don't run straight into another relationship out of courtesy to your ex. Give it a month or two at least. Be kind and try to see things from her point of view. Ask her how you can sort it out amicably. Take crap that she throws out at you, without retaliating. Recognise that she is hurting and will want to hurt back. Acknowledge that hurt and continue to be kind to her. Be firm but kind.

Hmm. Well, that seems pretty telling to me. If the thought of living without her seems heartbreaking then I would have suggested it was worth another shot. If in fact it fills you with a sense of relief, then it's time to go. She won't thank you for sticking it out in a stale marriage if you don't want to be there. Have you tried talking to her to see how she feels? (I.e) recently, obviously without mentioning her age etc

Oh, and regarding the "why do you do it?" thing about having kids, having a baby, child and subsequent children is something you cannot explain to anyone else, it has to be experienced to be believed. It sounds very cliche and patronising to say that, but prior to having children you never fully understand what people mean when they talk about the fatigue, sleepless nights and the overwhelming sense of responsibility. Like PPs have suggested, you may well find that babies and children are not something suited to the life/lifestyle you desire. So I would think very carefully before letting your imagination run away with you with regard to that.

OP - i think you were treated totally unfairly. There is another thread just now about a woman who is admitting to wanting to cheat on current partner - no one so far has turned up to swear themselves hoarse (virtually) at her.

My advice to you is that it seems like you got into this situation by not looking at the long term, so before you leap out of it, you should again think about the long term. I don't think that your wifes age has much to do with sexlessness and outlook, has that really changed all that much ?

It sounds to me she is deluding herself talking about retirement at her age unless she has some stockpile of cash. I don't know what your situation is like, but if you have been unhappy for some time and things are not changing then it would be best to leave I agree. Don't just crucify her with a list of all the grudges you've been harbouring over the years and reel them off in a one-er as an excuse to leave her, talk to her first and tell her gently how you are feeling.

The issue isn't that OP wants out of his marriage, he has every right to leave a relationship. The issue is that he wants us on here to support his narrative of himself as a tormented hero on a noble quest for self actualisation. And then gets pissy when we see a twat who is apparently too thick to realise that when he married a woman ten years older, she was always going to stay ten years older.

I say this as someone who has dated men up to 30 years older. So no judgment from me on age gap relationships. But jaysus, my partners and I always knew the score and what was going on, and we had relationships based on the appropriate expectations.

And then gets pissy when we see a twat who is apparently too thick to realise that when he married a woman ten years older, she was always going to stay ten years older

His twattishness for me is the way he harps on about his wife's age, and his utter banality hankering after a younger woman to replace his faithful wife.

There is such a stale misogynist story about women being valued simply for their youth & child-bearing capacities or potential. AS if once his wife is menopausal, she is of no use to the OP and he can just discard her to find a younger woman who can act as the vessel for his wonderful own child.

18 pages

Shebashimmy I salute you!