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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don't want my son anymore.

253 replies

LockwoodJ · 31/10/2016 11:43

How do I fix this? I don't want him.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 31/10/2016 15:11

I hope you are on the phone with the school now and they are able to do something to help you. It sounds like the most nightmarish of parenting situations. You mustn't be afraid of being insistent and demanding in your requests for help. Somebody will have to do something because nobody could put up with what you're going through long term.

It's hard for me to imagine this kind of behaviour in a 12 year old. I agree that it must have a root cause but that shouldn't mean you have to put up with it. This gang he's got in with sound horrendous - I don't suppose there's any chance your son is taking drugs is there? It might explain such huge changes in behaviour. Or possibly a mental health crisis team could see him as he could be developing a MH condition. I don't know much about SN but it seems unlikely to me that a child would go from happy, engaged, affectionate and totally NT seeming to this in just 1 year - wouldn't ASD, ADHD, ODD etc be present from birth/very young even if it doesn't manifest in the same way?

Scarydinosaurs · 31/10/2016 15:21

Is it at all possible for you to move? Does he have these friends from his school? You said at Primary it was fine- what do you think the change is?

BlueStockingUK · 31/10/2016 15:25

How very sad and how very horrible are some posts. I was brought up by loving, kind, responsible, respectful parents, who taught manners, respect, love & kindness. My younger brother has had the EXACT same upbringing as myself.
He has stolen from all of us as a teenager, he has robbed, been in prison and is a functioning drug addict. This is not my parent's doing, this is the peers he hung around with, he doesn't care about anyone, hasn't done for years.
OP's problem is extremely serious and unacceptable. Have you made clear in BLACK AND WHITE ( and i'm sure you have) that he can no longer live with you/family if his behaviour continues. If you have AND it continues, you have done as much as you possibly can. He MUST know that his actions have consequences and that means he no longer stays at home. You have tried with the police, CAMH's School.
The Local Authority have an obligation to ensure you and your youngest are safe.
I am sure initially he will be even more furious, even more violent, try to gain entry etc. At 12 and in the eyes of the law, he IS responsible for his actions.
Let him know, he most certainly can come home and you love him when it stops. At the moment, you will no longer tolerate his abuse, being his mother does not mean you have to put up with it.
A shock to his system and to know you will absolutely follow through, may make him realise what he is about to lose.

Good Luck OP, please do update us Flowers

Flumpnugget · 31/10/2016 15:26

Drastic measures might be needed here, OP. Do you have funds to send him elsewhere, at all? Think US "bratcamp"?

Is there family in another part of the country that might take him in for a few months, to break the cycle?

I took on my teenage step-brother for 6 months many years ago. It was an intervention that was the making of him. He had to be removed from the environment with time & distance before he could see what the hell was going on; gangs/ criminal behaviour / drugs / risky behaviour / self-harm; It wasn't easy at all. You have my sympathies.

Cucumber5 · 31/10/2016 15:34

I also think you should press charges for the broken cheek bone. Tough love.

enolagayits0815 · 31/10/2016 15:35

See your GP and get the help you need, he needs you.

Manumission · 31/10/2016 15:37

Think US "bratcamp"?

What a terrible, potentially damaging suggesting.

The boy's dad lives elsewhere and is on a transplant list. The boy hasn't been assessed for underlying issues AFAWK. He is entering adolescence and has fallen into bad company.

All the ingredients for a perfect storm. He needs assessment and therapy. His mother needs urgent respite.

Militaristic tough love camp nonsense is the last thing they need.

BratFarrarsPony · 31/10/2016 15:44

" Think US "bratcamp"? "

that is just a really stupid thing to say. The boy is 12 and we are in the UK.

blueskyinmarch · 31/10/2016 15:48

Hi OP. I hope you have managed to access some support now.

SansasEscape · 31/10/2016 16:01

Thinking of you OP.

galaxygirl45 · 31/10/2016 16:01

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this alone. 1st thought - is there anyone that can come and stay with you tonight, preferably a male that can stand up to him? Friend, family? If not, you need to phone SS helpline and explain that you just can't cope anymore. They may not help immediately though which is why I wondered if someone can help?And get some deadbolts on the doors/windows so he can't get out at night, that's not acceptable and he needs to know that. Also, contact your GP and book an urgent appointment - (my daughter had ADHD and we went through hell ages 12-15). Ours was a great help, and really pushed for urgent CAMHS/school referrals for us. Also, contact the school and get an Educational Psychologist assigned to your son so he can be assessed fully. Teenage hormones are powerful things in some kids, and this also could be accerbated by drug/steroid use. My only plea is that you try and work this out with him, care homes/foster parents may only disturb him more - there has to be a reason why all this is happening. I had many a chat with my DD that although I loved her, I didn't love her behaviour and it became a mantra. We came out the other side and are unbelievably close now, and I seriously could have had her fostered at many points. Take a deep breath, and put all the energy you have into getting help - you can't do this alone.

SleepyHare · 31/10/2016 16:05

Op I think the responses have been very harsh. If he had broken a student or a teachers cheekbone it wouldn't be ok would it? So why the fuck do people think it's ok because it's his mum he's assaulted?? And it IS assault.

He's 12 ffs he's easily old enough to understand that his behaviour is not in any way acceptable.

Op I don't blame you for wanting him out if your house I would feel the same.

There's thread after thread on this forum about escaping abuse and how it's not right to put up with it.... But apparently that doesn't apply if it's your child abusing you.

He clearly needs help, and understandably, op has tried and doesn't have any more strength to carry on. I honestly think he needs taking out if the situation entirely. Away from his friends, everyone really.

You have my symoathies op, it must be very hard. Especially with your DH being ill too.

Mumofttwins · 31/10/2016 16:11

SleepyHare very good points & well made.

BratFarrarsPony · 31/10/2016 16:14

excellent post SleepyHare, it was just a few pages ago that we had posters congratulating one mum and telling her what a great parent she was for staying in the house to be beaten up by her son.....Hmm

Twinchaos1 · 31/10/2016 16:22

I doubt anyone thinks the situation is okay. It must be incredibly hard to be in. But unless you are lucky enough to live in a well resourced area SS will just not have the resources to remove the child in the short term, so suggesting this is unlikely to make it happen. This isn't being harsh just realistic about what options OP is likely to have. She should be clear about her need for help tho and hopefully she should get support.

SleepyHare · 31/10/2016 16:26

I'm not saying op or anyone should do this but what happens if op just refuses to let 12yo in? And tells school? Surely someone has to step in at this point?

It's not ok for anyone to be abused, no matter how thinly stretched ss are.

VestalVirgin · 31/10/2016 16:28

There's thread after thread on this forum about escaping abuse and how it's not right to put up with it.... But apparently that doesn't apply if it's your child abusing you.

Apparently.

I was shocked to see that on the very first page someone accused the OP of being "selfish" for wanting to get away from this abuse.

Loving your children despite their flaws is all nice and good as long as they are just yelling at you, but I draw the line at broken bones.

I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to see him again, ever.

DamePastel · 31/10/2016 16:29

I agree with sleephare. My x was physically abusive to me and it"s not something that should be tolerated for love.

MagikarpetRide · 31/10/2016 16:32

I hope you've managed to find a solution, even if just a temporary one.

pklme · 31/10/2016 16:38

OP I understand your position. I have been in similar.

To the people saying he needs you- well, yes, he does, but at the moment you have nothing left to offer him. Mums can be traumatised and unable to function as a result of child's behaviour.

Try not to refuse to let him in or take him to SS with a suitcase... They can prosecute for child abandonment and it won't help your son. You need to work with school and SS to arrange support. Try for a planned move to experienced foster carers, preferably in a new area so he can't reach his old friends. He is a child at risk, as his own behaviour is very dangerous. It is dangerous for him to be out and about as he is, it is dangerous to him for him to assault people- especially you.

Don't give up on him long term, though. Try and keep the communication open if you can- the lovely little boy may well still be there, deep inside.

I hope this afternoon hasn't been too awful, wishing you strength.

RestlessTraveller · 31/10/2016 16:43

Ok Social Worker here. I can only reiterate that the likelihood of him being put into care today is practically non-existent.

If he arrives home and you refuse to let him in you could officially be charged with child
abandonment, but in my experience it's not likely given your injuries.

I know you think that your other child
is not at risk physically but I can guarantee you that he is at risk emotionally.

Can I ask what supports have been put in place before?

My advice is ring SS now. Although they won't probably take him in to care. They may explore other family members who are willing to take him for a period of time and offer you some sort of intensive support. When you speak to them please tell them you are fearing for you and your other child's safety.

Good luck.

Twinchaos1 · 31/10/2016 16:47

Sleepy hare, there is a crime of child abandonment which a person locking their doors would be guilty of. The decision to prosecute would not be taken lightly but it would be talked about. Usually alternative family members or friends are looked for in the short term ie a couple of days while things calm down and a support package is looked at. SS will understand that things are very difficult for OP and within their resources will try and help.

Twinchaos1 · 31/10/2016 16:48

I see restless traveller got there before me!

BratFarrarsPony · 31/10/2016 17:00

well where I live it seems common enough for a child to be taken into care in the evening, on parental request.
I suppose it varies from area to area.

RestlessTraveller · 31/10/2016 17:07

SS will already be aware as the police were called when he assaulted you. They would have sent a Child Concern Notification (CCN) to social services. You should
also be ringing the police to report him missing every time he leaves the house in the middle of the night as each occasion will result in another CCN.

In our authority we have a group social workers called the Multi Systemic Therapy Team (MST). These social workers have a significantly reduced case load so they can work instensively with families. They also operate a 24 hour on-call syste. Ask your SS if they have this.