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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don't want my son anymore.

253 replies

LockwoodJ · 31/10/2016 11:43

How do I fix this? I don't want him.

OP posts:
EnoughAlready43 · 31/10/2016 13:47

I wouldn't take him back either.
He needs to go into emergency care. Or fostering or somewhere but not home.

bostonkremekrazy · 31/10/2016 13:47

thatdearoctopus Mon 31-Oct-16 13:25:53
All these people suggesting the OP just phones up and asks for a place at a residential home/boarding school. hmm

Have you ANY IDEA how few and far between spaces at such places are. They're incredibly difficult to access, particularly nowadays, with funding cuts.

THIS

it took me 2 years of school meetings, panels, LEA's going to observe my child at school etc before they were offered the much coveted place at their school.....you do not make one phonecall and a magical place at a residential school appears. IT JUST DOES NOT HAPPEN.

a friend recently relinquished her child to social services due to extreme violence after he was expelled from his EBD boarding school - he now lives in holiday inn's/travel lodges etc with 2 carers taking care of him at any one time....no where else will take him, no foster placement, and all specialist placements are full. In several months he will turn 16 and run away.....they are just biding time......

Bubblegum18 · 31/10/2016 13:49

So judgement arseholes on here op ignore them. I grew up with my older brother being addicted to drugs he was abusive , he would smash the house up and even give me a black eye. His issue was the drugs so when he went to rehab after DM heart attack he was back to the same brother I knew before and we have a decent relationship now.

Your younger DS will pick up on the atmosphere so I think it's vital you and him are protected and if you've reached the end of you're tether which I am not at all surprised at than you do what you think is necessary op. Also no one has pointed out you don't want you're younger DS growing up thinking this behaviour is acceptable.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 31/10/2016 13:53

Don't wait for the school to call SS, call them yourself.

You asked what would happen if you refused to collect. If he had nowhere to go, the school would have to call SS who would treat him as having been abandoned. I guess the first thing they would do is to come knocking on your door, but if you categorically refused to have him back they would either put him in a children's home or with foster parents and may initiate child protection proceedings. It's really better for you to pre-empt all of that by calling them yourself.

runningonmt · 31/10/2016 13:56

I forgot to say my experience with my son is that he gravitated to other kids who were troubled - thinking that he fitted in with them because they too were out of control and engaging in risky behaviours and were 'fun' to be around. He eventually realised that they were not his friends they were just using him. Most of them had parents that didn't give a f**k where they were and what they were doing so they had nothing to loose. He did though.

He had to come to that conclusion himself (with gentle persuasion/suggestion from his fantastic social worker). He needed to be able to make his own decisions - he could decide who he wanted to hang about with but he had to live with the consequences of his decisions. It made him feel more in control of his life which in time helped to calm him down.

Mumofttwins · 31/10/2016 14:05

Please ignore the people that have no idea what it's like to be in a situation like this. They merely don't understand, rather than anything else.

Also, if this were about the OP's DH, everyone would be shouting LTB and encouraging you to call Womens Aid!!

You are getting this behaviour as he's trying to tell you something. Is there any way you could get him assessed by someone (preferably a Behavioural specialist)? You hate his behaviour, not him - or you wouldn't be on here at the end of your tether.

You also have a duty to keep your other children safe and you need to point out to everyone that you cannot take anymore.

You are being a responsible parent by asking for immediate family intervention, for the crisis point you have reached.

I haven't had it to the extreme that you're experiencing, but there are lots of us who understand and sympathise with you. My DC's 'behaviour' was due to an underlying condition, that I'd spoke to the Paediatrician about when they were first 4, and I had been fobbed off!

AGruffaloCrumble · 31/10/2016 14:10

It's scary because he's much older but I would see this as a stage like the toddler trantrums between 2 and 4. Don't bite to him, it's the reaction that he wants and it's so so easy to give it to him.

A toddler tantrum didn't break OP's cheekbone. OP, I do not blame you in the slightest, you don't deserve to be assaulted in your own home.

WaitrosePigeon · 31/10/2016 14:12

You are clearly at the end of what you can take. I'm so sorry. This is not your fault. We're here to hand hold, keep talking to us.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 31/10/2016 14:13

If he's being excluded from school so often, they really ought to be sorting out an assessment anyway. Has anyone suggested applying for an Education Health and Care Plan?

Twinchaos1 · 31/10/2016 14:15

Just wanted to add to the voices saying that due to highly limited resources it is unlikely that SS would just put him into care straight away, if at all. They would want to work with the family first. There are almost no resources for violent teenagers and if this is a newish thing it would be a drastic first step to put him into care. SS do need to be involved but they have no magic wands to wave and that includes being able to magic up people who want to have violent teenagers in their homes. Things can get better but a longer slower road with everyone including OP working really hard at making things better seems more likely to me.

marjazzab22 · 31/10/2016 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/10/2016 14:20

OP this sounds very tough and I'm sorry you've had some pretty crap comments here.

Flowers
WaitrosePigeon · 31/10/2016 14:23

Wow, amazing insightful and wise reply marjazzab22 - so glad you came on the thread and posted that.

What are these parenting techniques? Would love to know.

Caesar67 · 31/10/2016 14:25

marjazzab22 ODFOD.

Peregrane · 31/10/2016 14:29

A 12 year old child is not an adult.

BoffinMum · 31/10/2016 14:32

Sounds to me like it is more than just getting in with the wrong crowd. OP, has he has had a psychiatric referral, and an assessment for things like Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

I think if he is broke your cheek then it is reasonable to ask for an urgent full assessment, to rule this sort of thing in or out, and if it is found that there is a sufficient level of pathology here, there are a number of residential schools highly skilled in handling challenging behaviour like this. The Local Authority would be required to set this up and pay for it, if it was deemed necessary and appropriate in the circumstances.

Jayne35 · 31/10/2016 14:33

Op I really feel for you. Had problems with my DS but he started younger, no SN was ever diagnosed despite much therapy/anger management etc, DH and I split, DS stayed with me for 5 years but those years were hell, for all of us especially DD. Thankfully he had the option of moving in with his Dad, which he did when he was 13, god only knows what would have happened if he had stayed.

Definitely approach the school and tell them you can't cope as they can put you in touch with the right people, you shouldn't have to put up with your DS attacking you.

I know he is a child but at 12 he knows his behaviour is wrong and needs to accept responsibility. Good luck Flowers

BoffinMum · 31/10/2016 14:34

WaitrosePigeon Probably a tranquilliser dart or something like that Grin

whaaaaat · 31/10/2016 14:35

Yeah.... "selfish" is a bit harsh. Op is clearly desperate.

BratFarrarsPony · 31/10/2016 14:35

marjazzab i suggest you try some different 'being a normal human' techniques

DixieWishbone · 31/10/2016 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumofttwins · 31/10/2016 14:42

It's relevant because people are giving her a hard time for saying she wants out.......purely because it's her son.

Abusive behaviour is never ok. Be it as a reaction to a condition or purely because the person is a twat. Support it always needed.

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2016 14:55

Jayne, did your son improve after living with his dad? How is he towards you now?

Cucumber5 · 31/10/2016 15:01

Call the school and social services ASAP and say you will not have him home today or for the next few weeks. You need professional intervention now as your safety is seriously at risk. He cannot come home today or the next fortnight. He is in their hands completely until he has a track record of good behaviour towards you.

He is youngish and your family is in crisis. I think you have to make him homeless temporarily to force action.

Tell him you are making him homeless. Tell him you love him but will not carry on like this for everyone's sake, including him. Tell him he is welcome to return back when he has two weeks of good behaviour behind him. Two weeks of polite behaviour with you. Tell him you have no no choice but to use tough love.

Try and find some positive role models in the community. Often there are youngish male youth outreach workers who can make some inroads. Contact your local youth service.

WaitrosePigeon · 31/10/2016 15:11

WaitrosePigeon Probably a tranquilliser dart or something like that

Really snorted at that Grin