I really don't want my son anymore.

[LockwoodJ]

How do I fix this? I don't want him.

I think it's important to let social services take charge of him now, because if not he could do you or your child or husband really serious harm (as if a broken cheekbone isn't enough) and that could have him put into custody for a long time.

Clearly his friendship group is really bad for him - who the hell are these kids who are out at 3 am?! Are they his age? At the same school?

I would call social services and say he can't come home, that you're terrified he'll hurt you even more than he has. You're not necessarily asking for a permanent solution, just a reprieve while everything's worked out.

Someone has to be there to deal with him at the end of school today.

If he went into care, where would he go? Would it be a home?

My younger son does live with me but older son just ignores him so he isn't hurt or anything.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to phone school now.

The group range from about 11-19. They all go to different schools and some don't go to school at all.

He probably wouldn't go into a children's home, more likely foster care with someone who has experience of behavioural problems. They maybe able able to look into residential school settings.

Lockwood - SS would place him where they had a space - it might be a home, it might be with foster parents.

FWIW, there's a reason that you bear the brunt of the anger, and it's because your his mother. It sucks, I know (I have a similar issue with one of my DC, but she is only six so not able to break bones yet - but it's me that receives the physical treatment, not anyone else in the family, not anyone at school )

Did the police say anything about pressing charges against him for hitting you like that? What did they say about the group of friends? Are they all boys? I'd be very worried about them committing burglaries, particularly if your son is physically small.

Your younger son may not be being harmed physically, but he is being harmed by the example he's being set.

I think the OP can put him into care. If she refuses to have him living with her he will go into the care of the state. An incredibly sad situation, but there is no way you should have to tolerate being abused in your own home, by anyone, not even your own son.

Lockwood, you've had some cuntish responses on here as well as some very good ones. Unfortunately some peoples lives are so perfect that they can't imagine what unremitting misery, situations like this can cause.
You don't have to put up with physical violence just because he is your son, you need a break to be able to re-group and discuss a way forward with social services.

Most likely he would have to go into a group home.

The group is full of criminals, from GBH - possession of weapon. It scares me massively, which is why I've tried to get him away from them.

Yes, all boys.

lockwood - you sound like an amazing mother. If one of my DC assaulted me and broke a bone, I'd want them out of the house immediately especially with a younger sibling around. You must be a very strong person to cope with your current situation.

I think social services need immediate involvement. They could find him a temporary foster care home, and they will work with you and him together and separately to get him back home. If that's what you both want.

You can voluntarily give him over but still retain parental rights, if in the UK it's called a section20. The school should be able to make initial contact and start the ball rolling.

It sounds like you've reached and gone past crisis point and you both need some serious help.

OP I have a friend who has the same issues with her DS. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

There IS help out there and you CAN get through this. I think there has been plenty of advice on here to start you off so good luck and I hope things work out for you.

The sooner you make the calls the sooner social services can start looking for some urgent accommodation for him and find him some foster careers for today.

All these people suggesting the OP just phones up and asks for a place at a residential home/boarding school.

Have you ANY IDEA how few and far between spaces at such places are. They're incredibly difficult to access, particularly nowadays, with funding cuts.

I am not able to give a full response right now but i would like to say that realistically OPs DC is not going to be accommodated on the strength of one call to SS. It is not going to happen. Please don't let her believe it will as she is going to be very disappointed when it doesn't happen.

Octopus: Of course, but the suggestion here is that the OP should say to SS, this is now your problem because he isn't coming home. And I don't blame her if she does do that, as from what she is saying she is being abused.

I really feel for you, this was my life around 6 years ago. It's not as easy as some posters suggest 'putting him in care' - and yes you may be threatened with action being taken against you and you will be reminded about your parental responsibility. Budgets are extremely tight, they can't afford to take every difficult child into care which is why they have to say these things. But in situations where we really can't cope - and unless you have been there you just can't understand - you have to stand firm. I told a social worker I would rather throw myself out of the (tall building we were in) window than have DD home, and I meant it. I simply could not take it any more. I won't go into details but she still isn't able to see her younger siblings until her therapy is complete.
They attempted to put DD in foster care as it wasn't suitable for her to stay at her dad's, where she went when I refused to have her home. She just ran away and tried to kill herself several times so was sectioned. Over the years since she was 14 (now nearly 20) she has been in a secure children's home (this is such an extreme outcome they had to go to court for this) and several hospitals. She remains in hospital now, and is doing well but won't be discharged any time soon.
So to those posters telling you he is just a child and a mother's role is to always be there - yes, but sometimes the support cannot be given without a lot of intervention, and in extreme cases not with the child remaining at home.
My DD tells me that she doesn't blame me btw, for anything I did and that she knows I had to do it for the benefit of everyone, including her. And that I am the best mum ever. So don't lose heart and good luck x

I didn't want to read and run.

Your son is in crisis. You are in crisis. Your GP and SS must be the next two calls for both of you.

Is there somewhere he can go for the next 24-48 hours. Any one (Friend/family) that can take him for this time. This will give you some head space to arrange your next plan of action.

This is the first day of the rest of your life. You are doing this for yourself and your son. Take back control but in baby steps.

SS should work with you to keep your son in your home and to set certain (small) boundrys. If he engages and sticks to them then he can stay in your home.

HE needs to understand and believe staying in your home comes with certain conditions. (eg. he does not hurt you or anyone else and is home by 10pm). If he chooses not to stick to them then the alternative is in care until such time as he can stick to them.

Another condition can be that he engages with CAAMHS and SS. If he doesn't he can choose 'care' instead. Let Social Services explain to him what 'care' involves.

At the moment you are his 'safe person' - he can do what he wants to you /come and go as he pleases and you will still love him. This WILL stop today.

I suspect his behaviour is a symptom of his current state of mind (Dad seriously ill and not living at home - mum not coping) and is possibly causing this situation. If you are struggling too it will only inflame the situation from his perspective.

This maybe a long road but I doubt he got to this state overnight - he wont get back overnight but he CAN get back with your help. If you feel you have a tiny bit of control (with help from professional agencies) you can regain the balance.

He needs to understand that you are doing this to help him and not to punish him but you need help too.

This situation can change but as the adult you need to start the ball rolling and if that means he is out of the house for a few days (with social services on board) then so be it.

This CAN and WILL get better. (I've been there trust me!) One day at a time but it starts today. Please get help for both of your sakes.

I have no experience with this sort of thing, but I would ring SS and just pour your heart out to them. Don't hold back. If you feel like you will cry, don't stop yourself - they need to see what the effect of his behaviour is.

Perhaps it may force them to do something, if you just tell them that you won't be letting him in the house when he comes home from school, so he is effectively homeless.

Something else that struck me is that you say you have tried to access support for him a number of times - but what about support for you? You need help too, and your younger son may well need support too given everything that is going on right now

Lockwood, I know how incredibly difficult this is and it's almost impossible to see the wood from the trees. There is lots of good advice on this thread. Once you've spoken to school and taken some time to process, it's worth going g back through this thread and list all the good advice that is included on a list of things to do tomorrow/ next week/ when you're ready. Obviously, the next 48 hours are paramount in finding secure accommodation for your son. After that, there are good suggestions of how to move forward working with the school/SS/ CAMHS. It may be worth having your younger child put on the 'at risk' register to force SS to step up to help your son. Equally, reporting the parents giving your child alcohol to the police as a child protection issue may stop your son going to that family to be harmed. You also need to get your GP to referring to specialist counselling for you. This is an incredibly lonely place to be trapped and you need help to process. Having support for you will help you be able to deal with all the service providers that could help your son.

You keep saying group but we're talking about a gang aren't we. Imperial mentions burglary but also they might be using him to sell drugs or carry drugs as he is so young.
As heartbreaking as it is I think pp are right to suggest getting ss involved maybe with a view to having him placed somewhere. It would be for his own good. Not to mention your safety. Hopefully they have someone who specializes in gang culture.
My God, what it is to be a mother! I hope with all my heart things things work out for all of you. X