Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

It is finding my power that I need I agree. That's partly why I was wondering about just going there tonight. Making a strong move and being in control.

I used to fight. Fight was my first instinct but it got to a point with my dad where I could actually have killed him and it frightened me. I have struggled to connect to my anger since.

Ok, I'm wrong in the not meaning it - sorry. Maybe it's more about believing the words then - believing you have the power to determine you can see or not see him. I often struggle to explain myself so what I say is really not going to work well for you - ignore!

Cutting balls off type friends are great. But yes, maybe investigate the counselling too.

I hope your graduation wasn't completely ruined on Friday.

Ha ha! No, it was better than I expected TBH.

I think you have hit the nail re believing I have the power TBH.

I think your posts have been helpful.

I need to try and get past my anxiety about being angry, be able to say no and enforce the no rather than being fearful.

It is anxious thinking - 'he isn't doing x thing I am afraid of because I am doing y thing. Therefore I need to carry on doing y thing or x thing will happen'

At the spa now...

Hope the spa was relaxing. How very MN.

I understand the freezing and struggling with anger.

I'd consider maybe putting him off with excuses until after Friday - and line your friend up for Friday evening. I think maybe that is enough to be thinking about for now.

If you have a wobble before you've figured your approach there will be plenty of kind MNers to remind you he's an arsehole. MN is good like that.

Ha ha! Yes very MN. I even bought myself some goodies and feeling truly relaxed now.

Spent a bit of time with DS too who is hanging out here more and more when meant to be with my x - it has been nice, today.

There will be NC until at least Friday from him to me. No danger of it so a bit of space.

Will give my friend a ring tomorrow maybe.

You know how we're always telling people "don't listen to his words; listen to his actions"?

Look, I don't doubt that you think you mean it every time, but somebody as thick-skinned, assholic and determined as him is not going to listen to mere words from a girlie. You can say "I don't want to be with you" from now til rapture, but every time you reply to a text, open the door, etc, you're giving him a different story and it's the one he wants to believe.

The only words he's going to believe from you will have to include "police" and then you will have to follow through.

And, sorry, but I'm reading between the lines here: I can't begin to imagine any kind of circumstances where you would seek his comfort. He is NOT your boyfriend, he's a fucking creepy stalker. You're theees close to finally having him in your brain the right way. Make that final push and then ask yourself, would you really go a stalky creepy guy for comfort?!? You don't feel safe with him, how comfortable could you possibly feel?!? And that's even counting aside how the action is going to speak volumes to his warped fucked up little brain.

Well no, I wouldn't go to him but if he came to me with all his fancy words when I am vulnerable - sure you can understand that?

It's not been a thing where I have thought he would listen to my words or even where I have believed his for ages. It's more fucked than that.

It is what fucked says about my power. I have quite often just sat and screamed in my head "I don't want you here FUCKWIT!" While stroking his back while he cries. I cringe away physically when he hugs me, I don't even look him in the face anymore, don't respond when he says 'I love you'.

It's letting the inner voice out that needs to happen. Fully accept, even though it is obvious a lot of the time I am not comfortable through my behaviour, with my actions I have let him in and stroked his back and not said a word about how I feel.

What fucking says

Thing is that you've saddled yourself with someone who refuses to listen to you, refuses to hear you, refuses to let you matter. Basically the worse the worst person possible.

It's a hard habit to break (acquiring the people who we need the least as well as getting rid of them as it's so scary)

Yes, that is true.

I'm glad I went to the spa today. It is not something I would usually do, something for me and it took a little time to remember I could just be there without explaining to the therapist why I felt I was allowed to do something nice for myself.

I need to be looking out for myself. Being nice to myself and choosing myself.

Fully accept, even though it is obvious a lot of the time I am not comfortable through my behaviour, with my actions I have let him in and stroked his back and not said a word about how I feel.

I think if he gave a single thought to how you felt he'd know things weren't right. He doesn't give a fuck what you want. He chooses not to listen.

I hope it's clear when I'm thinking about power I am not saying you are responsible for the situation. I think it's more about believing you have the right to tell him to fuck off (not necessarily literally) and stop mentally giving him the power to chose to be in your life whether you want him there or not.

But that's not to say the police being involved wouldn't help (or WA etc.) Get whatever help you need - because you are taking control.

Your descriptions of stroking his back, of crying after sex are sad Offred. Sad and awful. I do not want to be suggesting that you have not been clear. He doesn't care whether you are enjoying it or not. None of those awful situations are your fault.

Please listen to others knowledgeable about abuse.

Glad you had some nice time today.

It is part of a general pattern really and you are right.

It is about believing I am a person and I have a right to and that I can make myself known and be respected.

The long term hangover of an abusive childhood really.

I'm responsible for changing the situation. That's the main thing. I don't feel responsible for his bad behaviour anymore. I think he does know. He often tells me to look at him and moves my face, or keeps saying he loves me over and over (waiting for a response).

He gets a lot out of not acting on the knowledge he has.

Why would act on that knowledge ? It's completely irrelevant to him. He doesn't give a flying fuck what you want, think or feel. The only thing that matters in his universe is him.

When he says " I love you " he means " you are convenient for me, you supply some of my needs some of the time and I want you to go on doing that.

People like him have no idea what love is. He's pleased with you when you do what he wants and angry with you when you don't. That's the only two feelings he has towards you.

And you only seem to have two feeling towards him. Relief when he's not angry with you and fear when he is.

Which is completely understandable if you learned this as a child.

Well that's what it looks like to me from the outside . Apologies if I'm talking bollocks.

That's right, yes!

You've learned some awful stuff in your childhood, as your own kids are now. Nobody but you can break this cycle. They need to know what a responsible, self determining adult behaves like.

Well no, I wouldn't go to him but if he came to me with all his fancy words when I am vulnerable - sure you can understand that?

Apart from you saying you would go to him (albeit, in theory, to end it), my main point still stands, no matter the geography.

Ding dong<

(You): Who's there?

"Hi, can I tell you about my great range of energy efficient window systems?"

Now, what's your reply:

"Fuck off and fill your quota elsewhere! This is MY space and you are no friend to me."

or

"Oh, do come in and sell me whatever you like. I need a hug."

I'm trying to give you a light-hearted visualisation trigger, but I'm deadly serious. He is NO friend, he sure as fuck doesn't love you. His needs are counter to what makes you happy, safe, fulfilled, loved. Letting him in to try to talk you round is worse than letting in a double glazing salesman. You're so close to making that distinction; push it through.

He can't talk you round if you you keep him away. Take those steps that you need.

Well, I didn't go to him to end it last night because people thought it wasn't a good idea!

I do think it would help me feel stronger if I was proactive in invading his space unexpectedly rather than sitting around waiting to be invaded. A lot of the problem is that him just turning up provokes the paralysing fear.

I don't think you really understand what I mean re being vulnerable. On Friday i'll get results that will either say we found lesions on your brain that are responsible for you losing some vision, you are being diagnosed with MS (like my aunt) etc or we found nothing and we need to do more tests...

I'm sure you can imagine why if anybody turned up talking about love and cuddles after that there is a risk I would think 'OK, please take some of the pressure off me'. I am not expecting to be thinking straight after facing up to a life limiting illness at 32. So Friday is not necessarily a good time.

Hi. You've given me advice before now.
I am very sorry you're going through this.
Have rtft and at this point I just wanted to ask, how will his intervention help you if it is bad news Friday?
He won't be there talking love and cuddles, he'll come round to exploit you and invade your personal space and scare you ON TOP of the news.
I think you need to plan your Friday after results with someone else and not be available to him. Be at a different address? Sorry not sure if this is kids with you weekend or not.

I think there's something in you going to him and ending it. With few words.

What about meeting him for a brew near his office? Say it. Say you will not accept visits and will not be in. Say the police have advised you to call them if he turns up so that they already seem involved to him.
Then leave and as others have said plan for possible consequences. and for you.

Offred, I faced a MS diagnosis myself last year, I know what that's like. It's frightening.

That said, if you ARE diagnosed what earthly difference will still being shackled to this arsehole make? He isn't doing anything good for you, for your kids, he's just a cling-on who takes and takes and takes.

Love and cuddles is just an illusion and you know it. If someone else were posting what you have you'd be willing them on to leave. We're all doing that for you, wanting you to free yourself of this numbskull and stop making damn excuses for not doing it.

You're an intelligent woman. You know where to source help and support if you need it. Please stop attaching anything 'genuine' to this man because he doesn't care a crap for you. Your kids need you and you need them. That's all there is to it. He doesn't feature - and shouldn't.

Rally the support that you need and get free. Please!

And BTW, I'm a single mum in a rental.
I understand how precarious it feels.
But if he puts a window through, you'll have it repaired. How would LL know?

I think you need to plan your Friday after results with someone else and not be available to him. Be at a different address?

Yes, sorry this is why I think is best for the reasons everyone mentioned. I think the wires are being crossed now.

I don't think I should send him a text on Friday morning or try and initiate the process of getting rid of him this weekend because I will likely be feeling quite vulnerable and this means I am less likely to be able to advocate for myself.

I think what needs to happen this weekend is for me to be busy doing other things and seeing other people.