Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

Unsure. Him turning up unexpectedly always destabilises me.

Me going to his would put me in control.

You need a RL friend who will support you to leave him

What do women's aid say ?

I haven't spoken to them for years. I have left a message on the local number for a call back.

I would be wary of having that conversation somewhere thats totally "his space". It might be better to do it over the phone where you can hang up on him if he starts trying to bully you or talk over you.

He knows that, which is why he will always continue to turn up. Regardless of you going to his to have it out face to face (not useful) he will still turn up at your door the next time he wants sex, or a cuddle, or someone to shout at.

You need to box clever and have a very clear trail of your messages being direct and clear, no mixed messages from you such as allowing entry into your home or responding to his messages, and then you can go to the police and they can act.

He doesn't answer his phone to me! Another weird crap thing he does. He likes to keep records of the texts and throw them back at me later.

If I took my boss friend with me he would behave. It would be 'in public' then. Or if I asked him to meet me somewhere.

Look, this man will not give you permission to dump him.

Stop seeking his approval and signing off of the relationship. Step up and take control of your actions, you cannot continue to behave passively and hope for things to change. You create the trail, not for his benefit but your own. If he ignores your clear directions, he is harassing you and breaking the law. You then step up and contact the police.

Ok, my concern with that is re the children being there.

Could ppl maybe reassure me a bit that it could be a positive thing for them to see and not deeply upsetting and confusing given they don't directly know any of this is happening and don't have anything to do with him anymore?

I think maybe that is the part I am stuck on.

Roughly how old are the kids ?

Do they know you are still seeing each other / dating / whatever you call it ?

7, 7, 10 (poss ASD) and 11.

They haven't asked about him or mentioned him and I haven't either for 5 months so I don't know. They sometimes ask about our dog who lives with him.

11 year old would be absolutely fine and totally supportive I think. Would possibly get involved.

The three youngest I think would be terrified and I think DD (10) would be disturbed because she cannot deal with unexpected things happening.

Do they go to their dad every week? Can you arrange for them to go for a few nights and do it at the start. Have a friend over so if he kicks off then you have support and the kids aren't there. How much damage can he do that you can't fix? Windows can be fixed, doors can be painted. Call 101 before you do it and put a history marker on the address so if you do call 999 they turn up quickly.

They'll be there fri-sun this weekend.

Fri-sun every other weekend.

But they went on sun and fri night this weekend just gone as extra because of my graduation and twins' birthday.

What do you think then? Text him Friday morning and tell him, then make sure you have someone with you when you're at home over the weekend

I will be out fri at clp meeting, and potentially Saturday with friends he will possibly turn up on Sunday as before so could hide then.

But this weekend could be a bad time to do it really, with the MRI results, might need to assimilate whatever they are before I can be trustworthy or it could be that it spurs me on.

App is at 3pm. Last time I didn't text him till about 11pm so can afford to see how that goes.

" Do you remember I used to be friends with John / John who was my BF?

"I've seen him a few times again and I've decided I really don't like him and I'm not going to see him anymore . Because he's not nice to me and I feel unhappy after I've seen him.

"So I've told him we are no longer friends and not to come here anymore and blocked his phone calls. If he comes to the door and rings the bell we won't answer. I feel sad about it but I know it's the right thing for me and our family . I only want to have kind friends in my life now "

I really don't want to get into a position where I am upset about results and wanting a cuddle because I might fold then when he is doing his sad act.

Get your supportive RL friend round . Does she know it's your scan appointment ?

Yes she does. I could actually go to hers TBH.

Oh offred you're dealing with all this amazingly. I've started reading your July thread and and this one too. I can't offer advice as I need to RTFT but hand holding offered.

Offred, I appreciate I don't know you well as others here do but for what it's worth....

Is the supportive friend someone very level headed? I worry that if it's someone who might react strongly or emotionally she might not be the person to get you through. A loyal supportive friend is amazing ( and it's great you have someone for Friday) but it feels like you need some of the emotion stripped out of your situation.

Someone who can cut through all the (understandable) panic. You are so quick with the answers here . But maybe someone in real life could simplify this for you. Because you talk about how he ignores it if you tell him you don't want to see him. But have you ever really meant it? That's not a criticism, I know how difficult it is to break away from someone. But I think if you can confront your own feelings then you will realise you have more power than you realise.

I had a counsellor work with me in the end to leave my marriage. We had a step by step plan and thought about his reactions and how I'd deal. Is a counsellor feasible? (I know you've had experience of counselling and it may just be I was lucky to find what I needed).

She really helped me get a grip on my fears. I think the fears get totally out of hand when you are vulnerable in a relationship. When I was first alone and dependent on him financially I stockpiled food in case he cut us off. (He had put me in the position where I was afraid to get legal help or benefits).

My stbxh was never going to let us starve but I had no ability to rationalise my fears.

I say all this because I don't think your posts are entirely sensible. I think you need help to work out the actual dangers and risks. MN is amazing but RL might give you that extra support you need.

And not to be harsh, but however much you shelter the children from your interactions, they are very much affected by your mental health and well-being.

I mean it every time. There has never been a time I have not absolutely meant it. I have a bit of a weird obsession with the power of words and it takes me quite a lot to get to the point where I would say it at all.

It admittedly may not come across to him because abuse I have suffered in childhood has trained me to react by trying to please someone abusive in order to keep myself safe. Sometimes I will freeze, the light thing is probably the only time Since my teens I have fought.

Yes, the children are subjected to the boiling frog thing of insidious atmosphere.

RL counselling would be helpful and I know where I could get it depending on the resources of the charity.

RL friend is not so much level headed as 'I'm gonna fucking cut his bollocks off'.