Need a bit of cheerleading to help me prep for upcoming encounter with OW

[StreetFighter]

DH had a brief affair eight months ago. We're working on reconciliation.

I have only come into contact with OW once since discovering DH's affair, and I kept a dignified silence, but this week I'll see her again at an event the DC are involved in.

She won't be expecting to see me, so in that sense I have the upper hand, but I'm dreading it to be truthful. While I've definitely indulged in fantasies of burning down her fucking house a vengeful nature, in reality the thought of any sort of confrontation horrifies me. Hopefully there won't be anything of the sort, and I can just blank her, but I'd really appreciate some advice on how to cope with it (what shall I wear?!) and general handholding and cheerleading, if anyone feels able.

QueenlizIII, I think you may have misunderstood the meaning of 'cheerleading'...

Thanks anyway, though.

Tbf it doesn't sound like you got the prize 'he does what I tell him'? Really? You are obviously happy to try to work things out with him so why does she matter to you? He was the one who cheated on you, if not with her it could have been with someone else.

Sounds like she had a lucky escape, If I were you I would stop giving her the headspace and just dress as you would normally and ignore her.

Either what they did was so heinous that you can't forgive either of them or (as you are obviously intent on keeping him) it is something you can eventually get over. It's not worth losing your dignity over - if you do say something to her or deliberately dress in a new outfit to try to 'show her' she will either not notice or not give a shit.

I don't think she would approach you. Why would she? She slept with your husband and knows that you know about it. It doesn't make sense that she would go up and talk to you. Surely she is worried that her own partner may find out if he doesn't already know. I would also not bother getting your hair and makeup done especially or anything like that. Wear something you are comfortable in and don't engage with her at all. Making bitchy comments about her clothes and stuff will make you look silly, especially if she does not react.

If you feel that you have 'won' and that your DH is worth keeping, then surely that should be enough.

It would be great if I could rope in a proud relative, but there's really no-one available sadly.

Ah I see from your comment above that you only want people to post who agree with you. Okay...

But yes as a pp said, making bitchy comments about her will just make you look stupid - and she is probably laughing at you for taking him back anyway.

I am really sorry if I upset you.

But I just couldnt do it and understand that in the grand scheme of things she doesnt give a shit and wont care what you do or look like.

Just go in with that attitude rather than trying to make a point. If you try and make a point of being above her, it can back fire, or do and say things to that end, it can back fire.

I'd have no intention or interest in speaking to her at all. Silence is the only thing I'd give her, why waste the air.?. I'd have him there also, why should it be only cringe worthy for you, he caused this mess. Give her your best ice queen look, and keep her at bay. She's game I'll give her that, sitting beside you, after it ended. Cheeky baggage.

Mummyshortlegz has it spot on. You remain completely calm, say 'No' firmly, then just walk away. She is firmly snubbed, and you are fabulous.

I don't think he's a prize (believe I stayed that already, quite early on).

He'll do whatever I want him to in this situation, was what I meant.

I think I have been consistently clear that I wish to avoid confrontation and put-downs.

Id concentrate on making this as uncomfortable as possible for DH.

he did it. He cheated. Make him suffer having both of you around.

I find I'm very good at making out someone in the room completely doesn't exist. I astonish myself how good I am at it.

Comments, hard stares etc just don't bother.

if you do say something to her or deliberately dress in a new outfit to try to 'show her' she will either not notice or not give a shit.

I'd be more worried about being laughed at and thought of as desperate I think.

It's actually completely normal to feel sad and scared and anxious about this. I think I'd feel better about seeming sad and scared and anxious because at least that'd be how I felt. I'd know that if anyone was mean or laughed at me for that they'd be a horrendous person and likely other people would be supportive of me whereas I'd feel trying to front it out would likely expose me to much greater likelihood of further humiliation and gossip.

Livia, this is Relationships, not AIBU. I think the thread title was fairly clear about what I was looking for. Mumsnet is generally good for a bit of handholding when it's needed - it's not necessary for folk to 'agree' with the poster asking for it.

Meanwhile I'm betting the OP's husband is delighted that the vitriol is reserved for the former OW - while his DW is obsessing about how to be fabulous to 'show the OW' it reflects the attention from his behaviour.

But if you have to go and you are really intent on showing her that you got the 'prize' just go and act normally. Or you can make a point and look like a twat in front of everyone

I've no wish to protect DH from the consequences of his actions, but I think it's probably counterproductive to have him there is it'll make it worse for me(which I think it will).

Lucia wind your neck in fgs, your posts are really weird and aggressive

I'd be more worried about being laughed at and thought of as desperate I think.

Exactly. I would make no grand gestures or fashion statements or anything really.

Which is why I wouldnt go. I couldnt pull off a poker face and a nonchalant attitude.

Is it the kind of event where you have to talk to the other parents? Or will you be sitting in rows watching something?

I'm happy to hand hold when it's needed but you just want everyone to say 'get a new outfit, look awesome and stare at her coldly'.

Of course you can do that if you are happy to look bad - not my problem if you do, I was just stating an opinion on how best to deal with it.

Ugh what a vile possible situation, I'd hate it. I wouldn't go to any extra lengths than normal and I'd pretend she didn't exist.
As for being all super smiley and extra fabulous, sounds a little desperate.

Who the fuck is Lucia

If you mean me then I think you may be a little hard of understanding

Definitely don't dress OTT, it will look like you're dressing up to the nines in an attempt to keep your partner straying! Classy/Casual as has been mentioned but practical too, so no high heels if the event doesn't call for it.

I wouldn't simply say 'no' or dismiss her completely, she may mistake it for fear and really you'd be letting her off the hook as I'm sure she'll find it far more excruciating than you will. If you end up talking as part of a crowd then be civil, don't give anyone reason to think YOU are a bitch - because if they then find out he's cheated they may think he had reason to.

Charm people. Compliment people, laugh at their jokes and be in general high spirits. People may be inclined to mention in passing 'isn't StreetFighter lovely/funny'

If for some strange illogical reason you are stuck in a conversation with her then smile, be as nice as you can without being too false (ie no compliments) - it will completely disarm her and she will wonder what the fuck you're up to. Good luck OP.

Points taken on board , Livia. Thanks so much for your help.

Other people are giving you similar advice but by all means go PA on me