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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a bit of cheerleading to help me prep for upcoming encounter with OW

227 replies

StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 21:26

DH had a brief affair eight months ago. We're working on reconciliation.

I have only come into contact with OW once since discovering DH's affair, and I kept a dignified silence, but this week I'll see her again at an event the DC are involved in.

She won't be expecting to see me, so in that sense I have the upper hand, but I'm dreading it to be truthful. While I've definitely indulged in fantasies of burning down her fucking house a vengeful nature, in reality the thought of any sort of confrontation horrifies me. Hopefully there won't be anything of the sort, and I can just blank her, but I'd really appreciate some advice on how to cope with it (what shall I wear?!) and general handholding and cheerleading, if anyone feels able.

OP posts:
Fatcakes · 29/10/2016 22:25

Have a professional blow dry, manicure, classy, sleek outfit, stay sober.

Get OH to pick you up promptly, help you into your coat, grab your hand/put his hand in the small of your back as you leave, DONT LOOK BACK (literally or figuratively).

clippityclop · 29/10/2016 22:26

I'd keep DH out of it and get a cab home. If there's any contact with her whatsoever you could come away dwelling on it. Go forth and be fabulous, you're the better person. Flowers

YabuDabbaDoo · 29/10/2016 22:28

Why thank you Smile

In truth you don't need to worry too much, if your DH has been honest enough to name her and declare it over then whatever happens next you well and truly have the upper hand. You will make her feel insecure merely by existing. Anything else is just icing.

I agree with other posters who say that OP's beef is really with her DH and not OW, but I can quite understand why StreetFighter would be weirded out about attending a mutual event with her.

TryingNotToWaddle · 29/10/2016 22:30

if you come face to face you could always look at her extremely pitifully and say "awww are you ok?" Before being dismissively preoccupied with something else!

YabuDabbaDoo · 29/10/2016 22:31

Also, are you sure she will be there? If I was her I would be pooing my pants and chicken out.

plugitinsilly · 29/10/2016 22:32

Good luck op! Please let us know how it goes. No advice to add but I would be feeling exactly the same I reckon.

Would she even come and talk to you do you think?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2016 22:33

If she speaks to you, you look down your nose, raise one eyebrow and say haughtily "Were you speaking to me?". When she says "Yes', you reply in the same haughty tone "I thought you were" then turn your back to her pointedly and continue whatever conversation was going on, or turn and walk away if you're standing alone.

Original poster
StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 22:34

Yes, I am sold on DH doing pick-up only.

I can scrub up okay when I put the effort in (though of course she is younger and thinner than me and very pretty - what a cliché DH is) but I'll be doing it for self-confidence only, I think. I'm not trying to have some kind of competition with her.

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 29/10/2016 22:35

I just think that some of these suggestions will make you look a bit like you're... bothered by her being there. Some of the suggestions are downright bitchy and if nobody else knows your husband had an affair with her then you're going to come out of it looking worse if you make any snidey comments to her. If you're really happy with the decision you made to keep your husband around then she shouldn't be an issue should she?

YabuDabbaDoo · 29/10/2016 22:36

No need to compete StreetFighter, sounds like you win game,set & match!

Original poster
StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 22:36

I'm 99% sure she'll be there, yes.

As to whether she'll approach me - no idea. Last time she came and sat next to me (I blanked her and moved away at the interval).

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 29/10/2016 22:38

She sat next to you?? Was this when she was carrying on with you H?

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 29/10/2016 22:38

Do look ace but don't go too ott or far from your usual look or she'll know why and you don't want to hand her that kind of victory. Ignore, but if she approaches you, compliment something like hair/bag/shoes with the words 'what a brave choice, how (long pause) unusual' then stalk off.

LucyBabs · 29/10/2016 22:40

She came and sat next to you streetfighter ffs she's got a brass neck Shock

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 29/10/2016 22:40

Ow are usually just an illusion, bet she sweats like a pig, has terrible morning breath and farts so much her hideous bedroom wallpaper is peeling off. There's a reason why she tried to get someone else's husband and it's not her sky high self esteem so she can't be that great. Good luck OP, I bet you're far more beautiful than she is, and I hope you have better morals Wink

Original poster
StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 22:41

Neon, I've no intention of making snide comments, I promise you. I actively want to avoid a confrontation.

As to why does she matter? Well, the burden of the betrayal is all DH's, of course it is. But she was happily complicit in something that caused me enormous distress - I have very negative feelings about her behaviour there. She made no vows to me, sure, but she also knowingly involved herself in a situation that hurt me terribly. I think it's ok to resent and dislike her on that basis.

OP posts:
YabuDabbaDoo · 29/10/2016 22:41

Neon it's a nice sentiment but it's a bit naive - the most secure marriage would be rippled a bit by the presence of an ex-OW (just a little bit)

StreetFighter if she deliberately sat next to you before it could be one of 2 things - either nastiness, or (more likely) a need to keep up appearances that there is no bad blood between you (and that she is an innocent party, does not deserve any rumours etc)

GardenGeek · 29/10/2016 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StripeyMonkey1 · 29/10/2016 22:42

I think I'd just be careful that you are not giving this much more thought than she is. She's not worth your time. You might manage the best snub in the world but if you have spent hours planning it and she just thinks "that's odd/rude", it's really time wasted.

Your real issue is with your DH, and not the OW. He is the one who cheated.

Original poster
StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 22:43

I know what she looks like, ijustate, I've met her. She's young and pretty.

She sat next to me about a month after the affair had ended. She knew that I knew. I've no idea what she was hoping for, whether she thought I was going to kick off at her or what.

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 29/10/2016 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StripeyMonkey1 · 29/10/2016 22:45

She sounds awful. I think ignore and discourage her. Beyond that, who cares what she thinks.

FrancisCrawford · 29/10/2016 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YabuDabbaDoo · 29/10/2016 22:46

GardenGeek I'm with you.

I still think we should all turn up and take OW aside and say that this man had an affair with us, too.

I'm a size 18 with boobs of differing sizes and would love to tell this OW that her fancy man had a penchant for wobble-tummies with wonky bosoms

rollonthesummer · 29/10/2016 22:47

Does she know you know about your affair?
Is she married?
Why do you think she won't be expecting you there if she came and sat next to you last time?

Sorry for all the questions-just trying to get some background.