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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a bit of cheerleading to help me prep for upcoming encounter with OW

227 replies

StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 21:26

DH had a brief affair eight months ago. We're working on reconciliation.

I have only come into contact with OW once since discovering DH's affair, and I kept a dignified silence, but this week I'll see her again at an event the DC are involved in.

She won't be expecting to see me, so in that sense I have the upper hand, but I'm dreading it to be truthful. While I've definitely indulged in fantasies of burning down her fucking house a vengeful nature, in reality the thought of any sort of confrontation horrifies me. Hopefully there won't be anything of the sort, and I can just blank her, but I'd really appreciate some advice on how to cope with it (what shall I wear?!) and general handholding and cheerleading, if anyone feels able.

OP posts:
wtffgs · 29/10/2016 23:35

I'm with Neon.

Why on earth are you investing much energy on this? This thread reads a bit like bad chick lit.

I've been there and bought the t-shirt shop. Your H is not a prize you won. He's a nob who cheated on you. You've decided to forgive him which is a big thing to do and you should be proud of being the nobler party.

FGS forget about this daft woman and move on

Original poster
StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 23:36

sumoweeble There will be some watching from the audience, but also a good bit of milling around. There won't be tonnes of people there - fewer than 30.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 29/10/2016 23:38

It is like when the cheating with Rebecca Loos and David Beckham story broke.

Victoria draped herself over David, sucked up to him more than normal and staged a photo call when he gave her a piggyback for the cameras to display how happy they were.

I felt embarrassed for Victoria at the show of desperation on her part.

If it is taking up this much head space and emotional energy and needing to psych yourself up, you shouldnt be going as you arent ready.

Original poster
StreetFighter · 29/10/2016 23:39

Totally understand that posters have the best of intentions, but I'm bowing out of the thread now - I'm not really up for the way it's headed as it's not what I asked for and not what I need. Just practising some self-care!

Thanks so much for all the advice - genuinely much appreciated x

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/10/2016 23:40

Queen I remember that, weren't they skiing and tobogganing and putting on a cringe show?

thisisafakename · 29/10/2016 23:40

No, it's not AIBU but surely people on the relationships boards are also wary of the 'pick me dance' and that type of behaviour.

I agree with QueenLiz that I would be very reluctant to go, but I can understand that you want to see your DD perform. My preferred option would be to get your DH to go on his own. Let him face the awkwardness.

My second choice would be to bring him along. Don't let him take the easy route by just picking you up. Bet he would love that. Let him squirm. However, do NOT get him to 'gaze adoringly' at you or use the wrong name or any of that crap. Just go, sit together, socialise if you want, then leave. As if she wasn't there. She will know that any lovey dovey displays are just bullshit, because he had an affair with her.

The third option is to go on your own and just blank her. Don't sit near her, don't look over at her. She will probably do the same to you.

QueenLizIII · 29/10/2016 23:42

Queen I remember that, weren't they skiing and tobogganing and putting on a cringe show?

Something like that. Then the posing with her half dressed and her leg draped all round him and a huge trout pout. it just looked cringe worthy.

LittlePear91 · 29/10/2016 23:45

I would totally dress smartly and have hair/makeup done, purely to give myself confidence around someone as poisonous as her.

Not sure I could resist either a blank stare in her direction if our eyes met, or my current favourite, the 'I'm-trying-really-hard-to-look-interested' face; if she was to approach you to say something that is.

Otherwise, I would just completely ignore she even exists at this event (or at least make it out like I believed that) and walk around with shoulders back and head held high. She's a nobody, and you can totally do this.

Best of luck with it, I can empathise that it's a nerve wracking situation to be in. You'll be grand!

heyohh · 29/10/2016 23:51

I would look casual but fabulous, not to play the pick me dance but just as a fuck you to the bitch.

I would totally blank her, I think leaving your dh at home is the right thing to do as it shows you are a strong, independent woman.

choosing to stay with him does not make you desperate as others have tried to imply and being angry at her doesn't mean that you are not blaming him so ignore those posters who seem to want to kick you while you're down.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/10/2016 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lynnm63 · 29/10/2016 23:53

I know you've said you've walked away from the thread but I understand why you're going to the event. Your DC shouldn't suffer because your dh had an affair.
I'd go, looking as fab as I could, avoid as much as possible. If approached on my own by her I'd say I have nothing to say to you, if you approach me again your dp will find out about your affair.

If approached in company I'd keep my phone on silent in my back pocket and pretend a call had come in and say "sorry, I must take this, work" and walk away from her and the group.
Sorry you're having to do this, hope it won't be as bad as you're expecting. I'm wishing a 24 hr stomach bug on her so she won't be there.
Btw Queenliz dont take up motivational speaking Grin

helenatroy · 29/10/2016 23:57

Go without him, look fantastic and don't even look in the bxxxx's direction.

ReallyShouldKnowBetterAtMyAge · 29/10/2016 23:58

I have to do this every few months. I don't make any extra effort, why should I. I totally ignore her and she is suitable ashamed enough to keep her distance.

If she didn't, it would be a calm "don't speak to me" and walk away.

I know my anger needed to be aimed at my DH, it was and we have dealt with it. I hate her and who she is and that is why she doesn't even register on my care about radar, good luck

SausageSoda · 30/10/2016 00:01

*Today 23:51 LiviaDrusillaAugusta

I think the OP has flounced... Smile

It seems like that's exactly what you wanted her to do with your posts Hmm Nice.

IsNotGold · 30/10/2016 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/10/2016 00:05

Not at all - I was making the same suggestions as some other posters.

The OP doesn't not have to take on board every piece of advice but she also cannot dictate what people post. She has chosen to leave the thread as she didn't like the way it was going, and that's her choice.

But by all means blame me for it. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

BubbleGumBubble · 30/10/2016 00:07

Sorry but i would not be strutting around like i had won first prize Hmm

Your DH cheated and she was the one who took him from you.
He thought so little of you he shagged her.

You can have your hair cut and wear nice clothes but that will not change the fact he picked her over you.....and he did. He was already with you he didnt have to choose you again, that commitment was made the day he married you. Yet here you are chuffed to bits that your husband who swore to be faithful has picked you over a bit of casusl sex.

Each to there own but i would not be going there tonight with the mindset of being the winner. You got the booby prize OP. Sad

SausageSoda · 30/10/2016 00:12

I don't think the OP came across as if she was 'the winner' and would be parading around acting like one. I thought she wanted advice on how to handle going to a small event and being in the same room as someone who she doesn't really want to see. In this case it happens to be an OW but the same type of awkward scenario could apply to an exh, exbf or anyone else that you didn't want to see if things ended on bad terms.

She wasn't asking for opinions on whether she should've taken her DH back or not though a few posters made it very clear about what they thought about that anyway.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 00:13

Sorry but i would not be strutting around like i had won first prize

Nor me.

This all sounds like it will end up in a big undignified scene.

IsNotGold · 30/10/2016 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BellesBelles · 30/10/2016 00:18

I think it's good to have some idea of what to say if she actually approaches you, probably the simpler the better - No or Excuse me with a dismissive wave of the hand rather than a carefully thought-out withering put-down, especially if it involves mentioning her clothes/shoes - that shows you are bothered, and it's childish rather than cool.

I would aim for pretending she's not there. I know - she is there (or is meant to be). But imagine that she was definitely not nor never was attending this event. Total blanking, without flouncing, would be the most disconcerting thing. Don't look at her. Don't laugh loudly, be the life and soul etc, more than you would normally. Be the person you would be if she wasn't there.*

in personality only! In terms of looks, you want to be banging*. Clothes, boots, hair, accessories. You are not there to compete, but make sure you have all your bits and bobs figured out well in advance. For confidence.

LucyBabs · 30/10/2016 00:18

He sounds like a real catch isnotgold we can only wish for our ohs to have such little respect for women Confused

BellesBelles · 30/10/2016 00:21

Oh sorry I missed that OP had left thread, I only read up to page 3 of 6.

If you come back to read the rest, I hope it goes well Flowers I know it can't be easy to be in the same room as OW. I wouldn't like it.

BubbleGumBubble · 30/10/2016 00:22

Sausage

Nice clothes and a good hair do will not wipe away the fact he cheated. OP may think it will give her confidance to strut around peacock fashion but the second she sees OW her first thought will be.... I was at home waiting for him and he chose to fuck you.

OP will feel shit after seeing OW because

  1. if she is younger OP will realise she cannot compete with a younger women and will worry her husband thinks shes old and unnattractive.
  2. if OW is the same age and similar in looks OP will question what did he get from her he could not get from me?

None of the above will benefit the OP.

BubbleGumBubble · 30/10/2016 00:24

She didn't take him. He stayed with the OP. He thought so little of the OW he shagged her and left.

No he strayed from the OP.

He thought nothing of either women.
He has zero respect for OW and zero respect for his wife.

This man is scum.

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