Feeling a little bit down in the dumps about my lack of a love life...

[pinkmusicstand]

I'm a 35 year old single mum to a five year old DD. Split up with her dad when I found out I was pregnant however it was all a bit complicated as we had occasional 'reunions' until she was about a year old and I said enough and finally cut it all off.

Ex is now happily coupled up with a new girlfriend, which I'm totally OK about. No feelings between us anymore, so not at all complicated.

I've had a couple of short term relationships since then, lasting no more than 6 months.

I find it difficult to meet new men. I've tried OLD but haven't got anywhere with it. Most of the men I meet in RL are married/coupled up. I have had lots of crushes on men, even if they are single I don't think they even know I exist. I am unbelievably horny all of the time.

I just don't think it's going to happen for me. I don't think I'll ever meet someone nice. The type of guys who do express interest are usually weirdos/creeps/in relationships. Am dismayed why I attract these types and not a normal, nice single guy.

I never get asked out. I think I'm OK looking, am reasonably intellegent (have a degree and currently doing an MA), kind, caring etc. I think I'm a nice person. I just don't seem to be able to meet someone who thinks the same.

Don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to get it off my chest. Feeling a bit down about it all at the moment. This idea that I will be left on the shelf for ever.

I think the problem I have with OD is that I'm so mistrustful of anyone who uses it, I don't think I'd be able to take any relationship I entered as a result of OD seriously.

I could have written your post word for word pink

I have 2 dc, am 36, work & have been single for 4 years.

I'm lonely. I get bored. I'm only around adults at work. I don't get time to visit friends. I haven't been out past 7pm in years! I lI've my single life but I do get very very lonely & well...just bored!

You hit the nail on the head littletrip, I would always feel a bit weird about a relationship from OLD and as I am not looking for casual flings can't see it working for me.
No offence taken roverman!
Christmas is particularly difficult. I would love to have a house full, but it will be just the three of us and I feel for the kids.
Welcome to the shelf pineapple.

Funny Yeah, I'm in the exact same boat at Christmas. It is hard and I feel for the children too.

How do you deal with Xmas and ex? Although yo the outside world we get along fine, there is always an underlying tension. He does not have regular contact and no overnights. I do feel that as I am doing the parenting 24/7 all year he has no right to demand access at Xmas, but am sure he will expect to be able to come round. Should I put everyone elses needs before my own? I will always put the kids first but know if he does come round he will not leave with a cheery wave and will make everyone feel really crap. If he does visit, he always outstays his welcome and goes with a woe me attitude that makes me look like the bad guy and saddens the kids.

Funnylady I'm not offended ,I do think that these days most people looking for someone end up doing OLD as it's easier , not sure why you would feel funny about it ,it's the modern way . Don't know what the success rate is like.
We don't celebrate Xmas as it's too painful for the kids , it was the week before Xmas 3years ago that their mother abandoned them , we just act as if it's another day , although I do make sure they get something , it's not a pleasant time for them.

Roverman that's so sad about Xmas! Maybe its time to reclaim it as a fun family time?

I agree with you, everyone keeps telling me the same, I really need to get into 2016!
Although, meant no offence taken by me re your dislike of Essex people.
I cannot comprehend how any Mother would abandon their kids, she must be seriously flawed- my kids come first and always will. Have you thought about trying to make new traditions so that they can build better memories, maybe not traditional Xmas things.
Xmas is hard for us as well due to past circumstances. I often wonder if it would be better to go away and do something totally different, but mine still cling to the notion of the perfect family Xmas which in some ways makes it sadder.
We will have to have a shelf get together Xmas and share our troubles.

Funnylady ,I just find essex people rude compared to where I'm from ,
I keep thinking about going away at Xmas as well ,but when it comes round I never have enough money !
Regarding OLD ,just had a proposition on pof from a married woman wanting sex outside of her marriage!
Definite no from me ! Far too much trouble could come from that
I just want to find a nice single lady who wants to be with me and not screw me around, maybe too much to ask !

We're not all rude.
I know what you mean, everywhere charges double at Xmas, it's just a rip off.
Maybe think about other things you could do, having a special meal that's not Xmas dinner, or something that becomes a special tradition for you all, like eating chocolate for breakfast at Easter.
At least you have had some interest!!! Wow, these people are beyond belief, how do people carry on like that?
Am sure your special lady is out there, do you have any possibilites of meeting people through work?

funnylady I'm sorry didn't realise you were from essex , maybe it's just here ?
Can't do much this Xmas as I need to change my car as soon as I can.
I can't really meet anyone through work as am full time carer for my daughter ,although ,she is now at the point she is well enough for me to go back to work soon .(hopefully)
Next year seems to be a good time for me to restart my life.

No problem, I am really not a typical Essex girl in any way, and do get what you mean. I think when the kids have flown the nest, I will probably move. From experience I have found folk in other places more friendly.
Sorry to hear about your daughter, you really do have your hands full. Maybe when you get back to work it will bring more opportunities to meet people. I work full time, but no chance of meeting anyone there.

roverman My exh left (well I kicked him out after discovering his affair) 5 weeks before Christmas. There is no way I would have let him taint that time of year for the children. I'm so sorry that you feel it has done for yours

I would also second reclaiming it and establishing a whole new set of Christmas traditions that are only about you and them. That's what I did. He has to fit in around us now

Funny I know what you mean about letting the ex see them, but that's not how I think about it. I think about it as enabling them to have a relationship with him. And that benefits everyone.

I have the children from mid afternoon on Christmas Eve and we do family stuff, then they will spend Christmas Day with me and go to him and see his family on Boxing Day when I get to watch films/lie in the bath drinking wine/sleep...

Next year seems to be a good time for me to restart my life.

Absolutely! This is the exact attitude you need to approach next year with!
Make a list of things you want to do
Organise in to short (can be achieved immediately)/medium (will take up to 3 months to do)/long (within the year) term goals
Prioritise the important ones
Identify the 'easy wins' (e.g. the ones you could begin to implement within a day)
Write them out as SMART targets so they're manageable
Monitor your progress and reward yourself for the little successes along the way.

Cannot tell you what a difference this approach made to me the year after my separation!

Funnylady I prefer people from up north ,I do have a sister who lives in Cumbria , I know I would enjoy it up there just can't afford to move , maybe it's me ,I never wanted to move here (Braintree) ,but my ex wanted to be close to family ,she cut me off from all my friends by doing it,just haven't made any here.
Hoping next year will be better ,can't be much worse really ,think I may put looking on hold for now ,
I'm sure you'll find someone you seem nice but you will need to try though.

I work in a very female dominated profession. You might get a male to female ratio of 1:14. Often it can be 0.

Most of the time the ones you do meet are already married with children, gay or only recently qualified and far, far too young for me!

I can't remember the last time I met a single man at work.

Littletrip sounds like a plan ,ironically I had started a list last week but haven't finished it ! Ran out of ideas !

You don't need loads of ideas though. You can add to it as you go.

If you want the impetus to get up and running in/by the New Year, then you don't need an overwhelming list. Just a starting point...

What have you got so far?

Have to admit I can't remember what's on it or where it is ,will teach me to have a cleaning blitz the last couple of days, might be an idea to start a new one.

I would be more than gappy for him to see them Boxing Day, but I suspect he is going to want it to be Xmas day. We have never had a peaceful Xmas as he cannot stand others getting any attention (even the kids) so has always created a drama on Xmas day. I really hoped this year would be our first calm one, but don't think thats likely.
A list sounds great, I may do one too, although sadly have become so lost, I don't know where to start, other than the car needs cleaning!

Funnylady ,sounds like getting rid of him ,was the best thing you could have done ,sounds like he had a massive ego problem . Just tell him you're going away with the kids for Xmas ,that should get rid of him . I need to catch up with my last list , still have a car sat in my garage that hasn't moved since February!
Think I need to start a new list , not sure if putting finding someone should really be on it as I can't see it happening ,can't really make it a definite goal

You are right, getting rid of him was definitely the right thing, occasionally I wonder if staying would be better than having no one, but am actually less lonely than when I was trapped in an awful marriage.
Maybe just put 'make an effort to meet new people' on the list.
I have so many things I could put, but none are possible whilst the kids still need me so much.
My list would probably all be things for at least 5 years time, although I guess it's still a goal.

Littletrip, are you happy to share any of your list?
Might give inspiration.

roverman don't put finding someone on your list. You know the advice on here about becoming the best version of you that you can be? That's the stuff to put on your list. So work towards becoming the sort of man that would attract the sort of woman you want. And then start looking.

That's what I did Well, you know what I mean...

Funny Just tell him you have plans on Xmas Day and offer him Boxing Day. What can he do?

Well, you've got to bear in mind that 4 years ago, I was a completely different person to I am now. I wasn't working because I'd been caring for a terminally ill parent who died at the same time my marriage broke down. It had been a tough few years. So my list might sound very basic!

As a starting point, I wrote it as a list of positive statements about myself as a way of reconnecting with, and defining, myself. Some were already true, some were things I wanted to be true. Once I'd stated them as 'fact', I had to make them true.

So things like:
I am vegetarian (I was)
I have completed C25K (I hadn't even started it!)
I am kind (I was)
I eat healthily (I didn't at the time)
I have a full time job
I do voluntary work
I always take care of my appearance

I don't know, stuff like that, I suppose. Some of it I could do overnight, like always plucking my eyebrows and filing/painting my nails. Other stuff, like getting a full time job, took a couple of months.

I suppose I just became more mindful of myself. And everytime I did something, I reminded myself that I was a person deserving of good things. Not extravagant luxuries, I don't mean that sort of good things, but kindness and friendship. Things like that.

I thought of it in terms of creating a pen portrait of the sort of woman I wanted to be. And then found a way, as best I could, of becoming the things I wanted to be, but wasn't already. If that makes sense.

Once you've done that, if you want, you also need to be mindful of the sort of person you want to attract. What qualities/interests do they have? What qualities/interests would they be attracted to in you?

It sounds a bit artificial to begin with but I know as well as anyone how easy it is to fall into a rut.

I didn't 'reinvent' myself. I just became Me, rather than a (n ex) wife, a bereaved daughter, a mum, you know? All the things that I'd always been and had always been there some how, but had just got a bit lost along the way.

I reconnected with that.