Feeling a little bit down in the dumps about my lack of a love life...

[pinkmusicstand]

I'm a 35 year old single mum to a five year old DD. Split up with her dad when I found out I was pregnant however it was all a bit complicated as we had occasional 'reunions' until she was about a year old and I said enough and finally cut it all off.

Ex is now happily coupled up with a new girlfriend, which I'm totally OK about. No feelings between us anymore, so not at all complicated.

I've had a couple of short term relationships since then, lasting no more than 6 months.

I find it difficult to meet new men. I've tried OLD but haven't got anywhere with it. Most of the men I meet in RL are married/coupled up. I have had lots of crushes on men, even if they are single I don't think they even know I exist. I am unbelievably horny all of the time.

I just don't think it's going to happen for me. I don't think I'll ever meet someone nice. The type of guys who do express interest are usually weirdos/creeps/in relationships. Am dismayed why I attract these types and not a normal, nice single guy.

I never get asked out. I think I'm OK looking, am reasonably intellegent (have a degree and currently doing an MA), kind, caring etc. I think I'm a nice person. I just don't seem to be able to meet someone who thinks the same.

Don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to get it off my chest. Feeling a bit down about it all at the moment. This idea that I will be left on the shelf for ever.

Aaahh, drinking and texting - always a great combo! If only there was a little island we could banish exes to...

I'm still trying to figure out what's 'normal' with regard to all this. I want to keep an 'open door' policy but I feel a little taken for granted at times. As though I'm still the 'wife' and ex's girlfriend is the 'mistress'. I think some boundaries need to be laid!

sounds like you are well shot of her, roverman. Really would just ignore.
itshouldhavebeen- I know what you mean, not sure I will ever want to live with anyone again. The whole dating/relationship thing sounds too exhausting. Maybe it is easier to wait a few years, when kids are older and we fit better with the older men.

Hey Phoenix! Yep, I tend to attract the more 'eccentric' (trying to be polite here!) characters myself. Don't feel crap - I tell myself it just means we are approachable and pleasant which is why certain 'types' assume we are more amenable .

Hi Itshouldhavebeen yes I try to remind myself that it's because I'm a good person who looks for the best in everyone. But then I think maybe I should know better lol!

funny. I agree. In reality, it's probably a bit soon for me anyway, but the thought of spending several years with no cuddles, sex or intimacy is a bit scary. I just can't be arsed with 'dating'. Such a minefield. All the mind games and 'rules'! Was it always this complicated? I'd just like to meet someone I can talk to and for it to be a natural progression from there. Dinner dates and practising flirting techniques don't really float my boat.

I'm early 40's too & I think it's the worst age for women & dating. Men in their 40's want (and can realistically get) women 10+ years younger and men 50+ still believe they're god's gift and we should be grateful for their attention. Not to mention the sheer number of married guys out there!

phoenix. Yes! Know exactly what you mean! It's drawing that very fine line between judging and acceptance - and it's really not easy!

oh yes; boundaries, I have none in place with my exh, it is something I have just not been able to establish, really think I need to work on this before embarking on another relationship and another reason I wonder if it is better to wait until kids are older. I tend to focus on making things as calm and amicable as possible, unfortunately exh doesn't, therefore I tend to get trampled over regular.
Hi Phoenix, great to have another person on the shelf, it is nice to add another up here- am feeling less alone by the day!
roverman, hope you are not taking things to heart too much- agree she sounds like an attention seeker, just be thankful she is an 'ex'

funny. I'm exactly the same. I've had people suggest the court route, etc, but that's not me. Agree with the keeping things calm and amicable, but at a cost to ourselves. Ex still tries to initiate family stuff to do together. I can't really imagine explaining the situation to a new partner:

"You can visit during the week, but at weekends, my ex is here. Sometimes, he stays over".

Yep. That'll go down well....

I've just discovered she was right and I was wrong ! The lack of local road knowledge has caught me out , hope I can sort the mess out I've just created for myself ! Oops !

Oops roverman.!!! Girls glad I'm not the only one thinking this way. Guys have me thinking I was the weird one. Sitting firmly on the shelf.

I will state here that not all men in their forties want women twenty years younger , well at least I don't ( I'm 48 after Xmas) ,for a start someone that young doesn't have the same life experience s as I do and I would find that really difficult , I don't think I would date anyone under 40 . You would thinkit would be easy to find someone ,but most women around my age no longer have their kids at home so don't want to be lumbered with someone like me ,the joys of being a bit late having kids !

Ha, try being very late having kids - I'm in my early 50s and DS is under 10! (Yup, really played brinksmanship with my fertility). It does mean that realistically, I will never have sex again.

Still this seems like a nice shelf with excellent company on offer! I shall snuggle down next to everyone else, wearing a fleecy dressing gown and nursing a mug of hot chocolate. Or possibly a malt whisky. Haven't quite decided.

I can see that might be difficult, I'm sure there is someone out their who wouldn't mind .
Think the shelf is a bit quiet tonight ,some of the regulars aren't here !

Hi everyone. Thought i would lot my self back onto the shelf. I have that sort of potential trouble, self induced I may add. Me and my ex get on and I have tried my best to get on with here and to facilitate her seeing the kids. She has them 2 weekends a month. Because she lives 100 miles away I let her stay at our one once a month and have the kids down here. We have just come back from a short holiday with the kids. We are currently doing birthdays and Christmas together with the kids as it seems unfair that any of us should miss any of the kids special moments. It's working fine but to do that sort of arrangement it takes a lot out of you too. I have decided I don't want a proper relationship till the kids are adults (so another 15 years or so to go). But I did think if I ever did get into a relationship now I wouldn't think my gf would be happy with the ex staying over one weekend a month and little family outings with the ex.

I am 32 and I must say vastly younger women have never appealed to me. I have mainly dated people older than me. Although I am not that bother by age. If I found someone younger with the same amount of maturity and experience and wisdom as me or more I could be intrestEd. Basically age doesn't bother me but my intellectual match often seems to be women older than me.

But anyway raising 2 very young kids is never conducive to relationships so it's all academical really.

Don't suppose it too late to poor another sipper of Port.

At my age I'm not sure I could really wait for my kids to finish education/move out that would easily put me in my mid fifties ,I'd like to think I would be with someone by then .might just be dreaming though ! Think ill sit with a beer for a while.

Hope you sorted things roverman.
We all seem to be in the same boat, it really makes is easier knowing there are so many others in similar situations.
Dad- I knew someone who had an arrangement like yours, all seemed fine, but she completely lost the plot when he found someone else, said he had led her on, she obviously misread the situation and felt they were working towards reconciliation. Maybe you need to make sure this isn't the case.
Mostly- I do think you are as old as you feel, having kids later has probably kept you younger in spirit. I am sure there is someone for everyone- just not worked out how to find them!

If I'm as old as I feel I must be at least in my eighties then , I definitely don't feel young anymore ,have been through far too much in my life . Think I'm going to put myself on the shelf for a few years as I can't seem to get anything to workout how I'd like.

I can't imagine waiting till my daughter's older either. Plus I want to model good relationship dynamics for her. Not that that's happened yet!

With regards to exes - I'm on very good terms with my ExH. Like last Christmas was spent at Outlaws (ex-in laws) with them, ex's sister, her partner, her grown up kids, DD, ExH & his new partner. Year before I hosted them all with my then bf. I think it's easier when they're in a steady relationship though. Not saying it's easy, in fact I'm often quietly seething at how easy they have it or when they're planning another holiday without DD but I try to suck it up.

Someone asked me the other day if I'd date me and I honestly don't think I would; I mean I have a lot of good things going for me (smart, funny, kind, great in bed ) but I don't think I present myself well for someone to want to discover those things IYKWIM. Hence the taking a break. I want to be the kind of person I want to go out with.

I'm really glad I found this thread. So many people with exactly the same issues. I reckon we should put our heads together and design a video game (shows age) based on the perils of parenting, exes and new relationships! I wouldn't mind having a Mortal Kombat style one-on-one with the OW

I'm definitely going to be here a while ,couldn't sought ex issue out ,it's all gone to hell . I turned nasty which isn't me , hate myself right now . Need hand hold and cuddles ,but that's not likely ,just bought some beer for tonight ,so I will see you all here

Unfortunately, exes don't tend to bring out our 'best selves', hence why avoiding wherever possible is a good plan. Don't hate yourself; we all fuck up in the heat of emotion. Whatever has happened will blow over in a few days. Try to remain detached - tough when you feel the need to defend yourself against accusations, I know. Hang on in there, rover. Try to hold off from engaging further.

It's annoying , because we were on good terms ,and were thinking we might try again , never mind ,probably better it happening now rather than later, just feel like shit right now .

Did you say she was drunk when she contacted you? Possibly write off that conversation as irrelevant. Any chance you can talk one on one when she's sober? Don't be too hard on yourself. Can you detach for a bit (NC etc) and then see what happens? Easier said than done, I know, but at least it provides a bit of space for you both.

Don't think I can be bothered with her anymore, she got really nasty on the phone this morning ,might be down to the stress of her moving house on Friday ,having said that she walked past me in town a while ago and totally blanked me . Time to take stock of things decide how long I need the shelf for and go from there.