What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

My first thought was that he has binned off (or been binned by) the OW.

A small fee to 192.com can get you his full address btw, start with a free search on there to check that they have his details, then you pay for the full details.

I don't think your threatening your ex MIL will do your kids any good.

graphista I got that from my ex!

He stopped seeing DD because his new GF (now wife) loathed me and made his life hell until he stopped seeing DD. He tried to get in touch when DD was 13, 10 years after he stopped seeing her and she wasnt interested. I was blamed for that, it was because I turned her against him. Couldnt possibly be because, to her, he was a complete stranger who didnt give 2 shites about her, no it was all my fault

Do people seriously send their young children off for regular overnight stays in an unknown address?

Bibbity we don't have a choice - court contact orders will say we have to make out child available but that we have no right to know ex's address despite us being primary carer and reasonably wanting to know our kids are ok and somewhere safe.

Bogeyface yes it's all too common - regardless of gender too I know of a situation where mother buggered off when son was 4 no contact details nothing, 14 years later wanted to pick up right where she left off and be seen as supremum! She accused then dad - the one that had raised the boy for 14 years without any support from her - of all sorts!

Bibbity - my ex refuses to tell me where he lives. Legally he doesn't have to tell me. He left me with debts and when someone came looking for him I gave them his address. This was once, years ago and is his excuse for not telling me. My children have phones so if there's any problems they contact me directly and I've got a tracker app on them. Court orders (as in above post) just dictate that you have to make the children available for contact.

I think he had split with new wife....maybe she's had an affair and he now knows how it feels? Can't face you laughing at him (which you would be entitled to do!). Maybe he's had another affair and she's kicked him out!

But, I think the MIL is being totally unreasonable not providing an explanation. I would be visiting her alone and saying you have a right to know so that you can manage your children's needs and expectations.

You and your children have a right to know.

As for new partner, that's tough.... if you can't get ex sorted what can you do? Can the children stay at MILs once in a while?

I don't think it's prison, it started with a slow reduction in contact. Rather than a very abrupt end.

whatever it is, he is probably fine. He still is paying maintanance and MIL just doesn't want to interfere. From your posts I don't get the sense that MIL is very stressed/concerned about his well being.

I would probably try his work, put MIL on the spot or go to his house (if you can find out). must be very hard for your DC.

Does the stopping contact occur around the time of your first family holiday with DP?

I wonder (and I may be drawing totally the wrong conclusion), but if he has got a new baby, and felt that your kids have a new father figure, and his W is being jealous about him seeing you / the kids, he may have squared it in his mind that cutting contact is the best for everyone. It isn't, what he's doing is horrific for the kids.

I think MIL is your best option, I would threaten to cut contact, you need to put her in a position that she has to answer you.

If you want to know if they have had a child could you go to the local registrars office?

Speculation doesn't help your children and they are the ones bearing the brunt of their father's neglect. Talk to your children and let them know that their father's behaviour isn't a reflection on them and that not everybody is capable of being a responsible parent. For your children's sake, negotiate a fixed contact schedule with your ExMIL and if your Ex reappears, direct him to the courts.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to put more energy in supporting your children coming to terms with having an unreliable father and the returns on this will be far better than speculating on whatever lame arse excuse your Ex has for abandoning his children.

As for your DP, he needs to get with the program. The demands of a NRP are very different to the demands and responsibilities of a RP and it is neither you or your children's fault that your Ex is a twat. As inconvenient as it may be for him, it is a million times worse for your children and having to watch your children being hurt. It is tough situations like these that really test the character of the ones that are close to us. His frustration don't get to overshadow you and your children's hurt.

My ex DM used to do this with DS, he used to piss off to the pub and his mother had him. I sensed something wasn't right as DS wasn't very happy he very clingy would cry all the time. Someone had told me they seen him sat in the pub when he was suppose to be having DS so one day I went out in the car and saw him transferring DS to his DM. When they dropped him back they will challenged and they stopped contact.

He didn't see him for a while after that he had been doing cocacine with ow and I had wanted supervised access with ex mil but she wasn't prepared to play ball. We utilmately went through the courts and it was gradually rebuild up in a contact centre and now DS DF is more grown up, wiser and settled and sees DS twice a week. I have to say I'm so glad I stood my ground when I sensed something didn't add up and I think DS DF is better for it they have a loving relationship now, I would trust your instincts and if he wants a relationship he's going to have to be prepared to put time and effort in and work with you not against you.

Thanks for all your replies ladies, I have only just read through them all. I am shocked at how common this seems to be!

You have all offered me so much advice.

Anyway, I messaged exmil last night and asked her if she wanted to see the dc at the weekend. the not knowing is not helpful to making plans and the dc's well being. She messaged me back and apologised and said that she was attending DIL's dd's birthday tea!!! I was so angry i cried. She doesn't want to see my dc this saturday as she is going to his wife's daughters birthday meal! WTF!! I messaged back that I was upset that she was not putting her gc before her step gc! and now I feel like telling her that I am busy when she asks to see dc again!!

I have googled exh, nothing has come up in any searches except for an old linkedin profile. He is a teacher so is on half term this week, If i were to ring the school though they wouldn't be able to pass me through to him would they? I guess they wouldn't be able to tell me if he is at work. I will try next week though.

The MIL is a person in her own right who obviously cares for her GC, why should she be held to account for the actions of her grown up son; complicit in what exactly? I doubt she has him hidden under her floor boards.

Your angst is with the ex not her OP.

Sorry but I'd not use your child in a game with the MIL either by withholding her access; I assume your DC likes to see her too?

I know adora, but I can't take any anger out on exh!

I know from my dc that they hadn't been farmed off to their gran all the time he had them. They would tell me about things they had done with their dad, films they had watched at his, trip / meals out with his new family. My eldest got on well with OW's eldest, even though he is about 16 I think he was quite good with him and played football and computer games with him, my ds seemed to idolise him a bit so i know they spent time with them.

Back story with the contact. When he first left me we agreed on exh having the dc friday night through to sunday morning each week plus wednesday night. I admit that when he and OW moved in together I did not take it well and refused him access to the dc at their house. So then he only saw them all day saturdays. It was a very messy time and I know I am partly to blame.

He then took me to court for overnight access. he wanted friday night and all day saturday and return the kids to me saturday night (so he could have some weekend with OW / a lie in on sunday!!!) and the wednesday night still. I wouldn't budge on this and wanted him to still have the dc until sunday morning (I wanted time with my new dp at this point). I refused him the wednesday night access to make him take the saturday night instead.

After a lot of back and forth from our solicitor and going to court, the judge ordered what we have now. Apparently he said it was fair and took both our wishes into consideration.

I know exh is very resentful of me as he told me he spent nearly 6k to get access to the dc.

Hmm, might be tempted to tell MIL that you and the children are all worried about him, and you will have to call the school next week and tell them that he hasn't been in touch with his children for months and you are all beginning to think something has happened to him. The school won't tell you anything, of course, but he and MIL won't want the head teacher hearing that from you.

The threat of it should flush him out. Or MIL being a bit forthcoming.

Okay. Cross-posted.

You've behaved badly and now so has he. I think you should write a letter to give to MIL to pass on to him, acknowledging that you have both behaved badly but you want to set up regular access for the benefit of the children. Give him a deadline, say a week or so, to respond to you. And state that if he doesn't respond to you by that time, you will understand that he doesn't want to see his children again and you and the children will get on with your lives without him.

The children need a conclusion to this either way.

I was thinking new baby or him punishing you for having new partner.
I think you need to stop pressure on the MIL but ask her to tell her well in advance when she wants to see the DCs. I would also drop that your sister saw that OW is pregnant and watch her reaction (might be relief that you know without her having to tell you).
That aside, I find your new DP reaction really selfish and inappropriate. I wonder if that's why he split with his first wife (she wasn't giving him enough attention after DC aka man child complex).

It seems bizarre to me that he spent £6k taking you to court to get access and go through all that stress to simply drop off the face of the planet and behave like his children don't exist only a few months later.

I agree with what one of the PPs said about taking him back to court (if this is an affordable option) - reasons being that he has not kept to his side of the access deal and has been NC with children for months, and stating that due to this you now want full custody rights. As he cannot disappear for months and then suddenly appear out of the woodwork in X amount of weeks/months wanting to pick up where he left off - this is not fair on you or the kids. This should hopefully flush him out and make him respond, as it will be a case of stepping up or losing the kids forever.

I also like the suggestion of contacting the OW by facebook message, keeping it very civil and polite and asking if everything is ok as your DC are very worried and miss their dad and step siblings. Clearly the OW is still on the scene if your exMIL is going to the child's birthday party.

I would sit down with your MIL (without DC present) and ask her what you should tell your DC about their DF's absence from their lives. It is their business and her not being honest is harming them.

I would also stress that you want the DC to have regular access to MIL. Could she commit to a Friday night? Or every other week? DC need routine.

Also, as MIL is obviously regularly in touch with him, it is probably worth stating clearly what PP have said, that the DCs might not want to have anything to do with him later if he cuts bridges with them completely now.

And you shouldn't be in the mindset of refusing the children access to their own father unless you happen to have a new bloke on the scene.

Because that is horrible behaviour. And horribly unfair on the children. You have let them down. If he is alienated from his children, then part of the alienation from his children is down to your actions.

And you have to acknowledge that on your part. And try your utmost to fix it.

Will shut up now. Hope you can resolve it.

Right.

I think you need to take a deep breath on this and let go of quite a lot of the anger you have.

You are in an awful situation, yes, and it's not fair on the children, but one step at a time.

At this point, I'd assume he does not want to see the children, or he can't (fingers crossed it's nothing serious, but it is out of your hands, so it's best to let go).

Regarding MIL, I'd establish some rules. Being upfront, I'd ask her if she wants regular contact or not, and what did she propose. Tell her how much notice you need for contact or to cancel.

As for your DP, it's possible he's angry on your behalf, so it looks like you both need to take that deep breath. There is no need for him to get angry at your ex and take it out on you.
Then, I'd tell him that it looks like that's it, and you are essentially a full time single parent. You come with your family, and he needs to take it as you are, if there's to be a future. It seems like a good time to evaluate where you're going as a couple.

PS - here DS has stopped wanting to talk to his dad (after a long process) and he's given up too easily, despite his claims that his son is so important. No contact or interest from the rest of the family. I've been having to breath it out too. :) Their loss, really.

BTW, if he's paying child maintenance, as he's stopped having them, then you should claim full maintenance as you have them 7 nights a week.
MIL doesn't count.