What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

Agree with googling his name with all courts in his county to see if anything pops up.

The photo of the new wife and her sister could easily have been the first night out after new baby.

Surely, if you know the road, the kids know where he lives. Can you drive down there and at least ask them to point it out? Or write to him via his place of work?

Is it possible he has a new OW? One he wants to keep secret from both you and the first OW maybe?
In any case it sounds awful for everyone else involved. The children have a right to contact with their father, the Ex MIL shouldn't be having to cover for her DS as she has been and I think it's also understandable that you and new DP want time to yourselves to nurture your relatively new relationship as EXH has clearly had (I often think that, let's face it, a little child-free time can be an advantage of a split, provided that contact arrangements with the other parent work well!).

I'd drop the kids of with your mil one Saturday then go to your ex's road and find out what's going on tbh.

Or could you not message his wife and ask her if everything is ok?

Hmm, or is it possible that he's been ignominiously dumped by the OW/wife and is too ashamed to admit it?

It sounds to me like he has an OW, I really think if he was ill he's let the children know unless he's in prison. I was with my husband for 21 years and when he left he totally abandoned his step son as if he'd never existed, my ds was so upset.

Well nothing terrible has happened to him or surely the MiL would have said. It is bizarre but yes lots of men can happily piss off and forget their kids if something more interesting catches their interest, I am assuming he falls into this category OP and if so, fuck him and him seeing his children, it's mot your job to facilitate or organise; let the children see their grandmother as she has done nothing wrong, I get that she doesn't want to get involved, but she still wants to see her GC and that's fair enough, it's not her who has pissed off.

I'd tell the kids he must be working away and tbh you are not entirely sure where he has gone or when back, why would you, you are separated from him. I'd then hope he either stays away or has a really really big excuse for treating his kids like crap, if not, don't let him see them anymore until they can decide if they want to see him; he can't just pick up and drop when he feels like it, cruel bastard.

As for your DP, well really, poor him eh, I don't see a happy blended family at all, in fact I see more anguish for you as your DP bleets about not having you to himself, well tough, you come as a package, and if that means as a single parent then he either accepts it or decides it's not for him, I'd certainly not be moving in with him at all, in fact, I'd be spending a lot of time just with my children to help them get over the fact that their father has effectively disappeared, that's what matters, not your DP.

Surely, if you know the road, the kids know where he lives. Can you drive down there and at least ask them to point it out?

Sorry, but I would strongly disagree with this course of action. I distinctly remember doing this for my mum as a child at her request when she was trying to chase down maintenance and contact.

For years, I blamed myself, for the no contact because I'd shown my mum where my dad lived.

Maybe he is recovering from plastic surgeey ? It could be something to do with his wife's pregnancy. There's something that he doesn't want you to know about through his children. Something happened and if children come to his house then they will tell you what is wrong. However, he could have met them somewhere else then and he doesn't. Maybe he had a surgery or a pub fight? Would it be possible to go to the police and enquire if he is fine?
Can you spy on the MIL?

If you say to exMIL that you think he must be in prison (or similar), and you push the right buttons, she might end up spilling the beans if she can't cope with the gossip about her son being worse than the reality? Just a thought!

You can't take him to court, the courts job is not to require nrps to explain why contact isn't continuing! If he chooses not to see his DC, the court can't compel him to do so.

I don't think you can assume he isn't ill. I know a situation where the XH didn't tell his XW he had cancer, because she had no interest in his health while they were together (and in fact accused him of making up what were, in hindsight, cancer symptoms), so why would she need to know? Not saying the OP did this, but there may be many reasons why her X doesn't think she needs to know.

I think it's more likely there's an issue with his new wife/ her children, otherwise I feel if it was his health or something directly affecting him, your MIL would appear to be more upset/ concerned. Could she have lost the baby? Could there be an issue with her DC (you mention they're teens) like drugs, alcohol, mh issues? He might be needing to give them a lot of additional support/ not be able to have your DC at his home as a result. Obviously that wouldn't stop him seeing your DC at his mums, but maybe he's just not thinking logically.

Personally I'd let this lie I would because you can't force an absent father to take his kids no court will do this either.

Get a babysitter in for Friday if you need to recharge your batteries.

Let the kids see grandma she isn't to blame here.

I disagree that your MIL gets to carry on as if nothing is happening.
Your children are distressed and confused. She is COMPLICIT in that by refusing to engage in conversation about why her son is treating his kids in this way.

So she steps up and gives you some information about wtf is going on or you cut contact with this dysfunctional family completely.

And as for your own 'D'P, I'd be showing him the door sharpish.

My first thought was also prison/ an ongoing court case. There must be something for contact to have ended so abruptly and for your exmil to be so evasive.

I agree with pressing exmil, ask her all the options you can think of and try to guage her reactions. Also send a message to any contacts of his that you can think of to try to find out what's gone on. Even if no one replies, it might get back to your ex/ exmil and they might let you know just to 'shut you up'.

I've not read any replies,but my guess would be prison

I'd send him and your ex-MIL an email stating that the children are deeply concerned about his welfare. Give a date a couple of days away and state that if you don't hear from someone to tell you what's going on that you are going to call the police non-emergency and ask them to carry out a welfare check because a man disappearing off the face of the earth (which to you and the children he has) is not normal. If he wishes to discontinue seeing his children then he just needs to be man up and say so.

Depending on the reaction to that I'd then set up a regular arrangement with your MIL. It benefits the children and yourself to keep their relationship going.

Your own DP needs a boot up the arse though. What happens if your ex gets his by a bus tomorrow and there's no more regular 'us nights'. when you have children 'us time' is limited. If he's not being supportive during a weird and difficult time for the kids then is he a keeper?

My guess is that he has depression. I'd be getting a genealogist/researcher on it. For a couple of hundred quid or less (in my experience), they could tell you whether a child has been born, the DOB if any, and their current address. Then I'd go round and try to speak to him in person.

This all seems very strange!

Admittedly the court can't force your exh to turn up for contact but presumably you could make an application for his right to contact to be revoked in light of his disappearing act? I appreciate him not having contact is not what you want but it would force him to respond to the application and explain himself if he wants to retain contact? If he does nothing and allows your application to stop contact to go ahead unchallenged then that probably gives you some sort of answer?

I would be concerned that he might just suddenly turn up at some point in the future looking to resume contact (in accordance with the order that would still be in force) without any explanation which would be confusing and potentially damaging to your dc?

Even if your exh lost his right to contact it wouldn't prevent you from making arrangements for the dc to see their gm if that's what you wanted.

Just a thought and perhaps worth discussing with your solicitor. I hope you find a way forward!

OP says she is still receiving maintenance, so I would guess he can't be in prison, or too ill to work, or he wouldn't be able to afford to pay. My thoughts are that as they have got older, he struggles having them; maybe they 'interfere' with his life too much, and he just doesn't know how to keep them entertained etc, and has just cut off from them. He probably finds it easier breaking off completely from them than just having them the odd day now and again, and having to deal with their questions about why he doesn't see them as much anymore. Unfortunately some men find it quite easy to do this once they have divorced. And of course his mother will protect him, because he's her son. I would stop their visits to grandma, and send her a letter explaining that you feel she is being unfair to her GC by not being honest with them about their DF. Surely they must ask her questions when they are with her?

I would tell MIL that you won't be facilitating contact with her and the children any more until she or your ex tells you what is going on. The children are hurt and confused, and you have a right to know what is going on for their sake so you can help them through this confusing time. Tell her that they are being damaged by this. Surely she wouldn't want that!

You don't have to follow through permanently, but I would definitely try to apply pressure to obtain the information that way.

I wouldn't be surprised if this OW/ new wife, has found out he is cheating (or is fed up with him) and thrown him out. He is probably back living with his Mum, which could explain the erratic contact. Or he could be sofa surfing whilst he tries to find another woman to take him in. I can't understand why your exh would fight for contact so bitterly, only to give it up so easily.

I would tell your MIL that you are concerned for your exh's wellbeing, and as she will not share the reason/ alleviate your concerns, you will be contacting the police and requesting a welfare check (as suggested above). He could be very ill, or could be drinking/ drugging himself into oblivion! He may be homeless/ have lost his job or dying alone in some foreign hospital. You deserve to know what's going on and your children will appreciate that you tried your best to find out he was OK. What if your MIL has been the only reason he has taken your children at all?

How old are your children? Are they capable of telling you if they had actually been staying with your exMIL all this time?

It's far more likely that he just can't be arsed. He might have had another baby - either way he's told MIL a story which is not "I simply can't be bothered" but more like "poor me poor me"

my vote is for new baby.

do not dismiss pregnancy due to the wine photo. no way to see alcohol content in a photo.

also, I have a friend who hardly looked pregnant and was well into the last trimester, so your sister could be mistaken on how far gone she was just as easily as mistaken as to whether she was pregnant at all.

Have you googled him? That could help in ruling out prison.

I would guess that he's either playing mind games with you, he has split with the new wife or he's ill.

I'm thinking new baby, my ex did very similar. You can't legally force him to see them nor is it a good idea. They'll sense he's not interested and why inflict on them a parent who doesn't give a shit?!

Also agree with don't cut them off from their gran, they want to see her and are happy spending time with her.

BUT he must continue to pay maintenance of course!

It's sad and difficult and really unfair but there's nothing you can do about it in terms of making him be a decent dad.

Fwiw my ex is starting to regret and has tried unsuccessfully to get back in touch with my daughter. She, justifiably, after almost 5 years of nothing with several years before that of nonchalance is not interested. I have made it clear if she changes her mind and wants a relationship with her father will have my total support both practical and emotional, while I of course am getting dogs abuse for 'turning her against him' - not true!

Her gran (his mother) has, however, always been there for my daughter and they have a lovely relationship.

As for your current 'd'p does he not realise you and the kids going through enough without him throwing his toys out the pram! ? He needs to get a grip or get lost!