What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

[anothermalteserplease]

Sounds very frustrating but it seems you wanted contact to go a certain way so that you'd get time alone with your new partner. Maybe your ex and his wife really resent that. Sounds like nothing untoward other than your ex is behaving like an arse who doesn't want to maintain contact.
Your ex mil sounds like she does still want to be involved and I'd encourage that for the sake of your children having contact with their dad's side of the family. Plus you'll get a bit of time to yourself even if it's not the full weekend you originally wanted.

[Graceflorrick]

If you can contact him st work, it's an indicator that he isn't that poorly. Try that?

I guess he must still be with OW for his mother to attending the birthday tea.

The DC would know if there is s new baby on the cards, so I guess it can't be that.

I guess then that just leaves him not wanting to see them? Very sad, but I guess it happens.

As an extra though OP, it's a hit concerning that your new DP is that keen to spend time without your DC. I'd be keen to find out more about his thoughts if I were you.

[Lweji]

I guess he must still be with OW for his mother to attending the birthday tea.

He could still be in hospital, or travelling, or something, I suppose.

I don't think I'd chase him up. He knows where his children are and he clearly doesn't want to be contacted.

[Username123452016]

Exmil has already told you she will be at DIL bday. It’s safe to assume that if she’s there, then your exh will be there as well. If I was in your situation I would go radio silence with ex mil and just turn up with the kids at exh house on the weekend and drop the kids off without stepping out of car or going inside. Your exh and mil can then explain to the kids in person why your exh has been avoiding them. I understand that your exmil has been helpful with childcare, but if she's prioritizing step gc, she's enabling her son's behaviour and if showing you that despite her sympathy she's really not on your side or your kids. If it was me I wouldn’t let myself be in a situation where I’m making excuses. Your kids can see firsthand what’s going on.

[Lweji]

just turn up with the kids at exh house on the weekend and drop the kids off without stepping out of car or going inside. Your exh and mil can then explain to the kids in person why your exh has been avoiding them.

If you care about the children, DON'T do this.

[Graceflorrick]

Oh, don't do the above suggestion of just dropping them off. Although I can absolutely see how irritating this situation is, just imagine how damaging that would be for the DC's emotional wellbeing.

[Username123452016]

If worst comes to the worst you can even write a letter to his boss showing concern for your husband's whereabouts. It will be interesting to see how quickly he gets in contact once outside people now whats going on

[adora1]

Just turn up with the kids????

Seriously, and have a screaming match in front of them?

Please do not do this, keep your kids out the fucken drama.

[AliceInUnderpants]

Wow what a weird situation. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Whatever has happened in the past, your dh is behaving unforgivably right now! I cannot think of a single reason why he could not let you or the children know what is up.

Don't be angry with mil for going to her step gc's birthday tea! The girl has one birthday a year, your ex mil has already been really good to your children (with the exception of keeping them in the dark about their father) and looked after them many times. She's entitled to a weekend off don't you think?

I agree with a pp - keep your kids out of the fucken drama!

[NoFuchsGiven]

I haven't rtft but how did your solicitor write to him last week without his address?

[ravenmum]

Seems like you can no longer rely on your ex to carry out even the most basic of duties as a father. He'll reap the benefits of this poor behaviour later.

Meanwhile, as courts cannot force people to show even a minimal level of decency, you, as the only responsible parent, are going to have to deal with things differently.

As you would (perfectly reasonably) like to have time away from the children to be yourself and have adult relationships, you're going to have to find a way to do this which involves only reliable people. Regular paid childcare, arrangements with other single parents, perhaps in-laws. Your MIL does seem more reliable, maybe something regular could be arranged. In my case I've found I actually get on better with the in-laws now we are apart, maybe you'll be lucky in that way too? Certainly don't see your relationship with them as ending along with your marriage.

Ideally you also need a partner who is more understanding about your duties as a parent. Unfortunately it sounds as if your current partner sees parenting as a part-time duty. (Another man with no real sense of responsibility?) A stern chat might help you find out if this is because of thoughtlessness or whether he is just not on the same page as you.

Generally you need to untangle yourself from your reliance on your ex. If he then does come along and show more signs of being a proper father then that can be an added bonus.

[HouseworkIsASin10]

You'll have to make it plain to your DP that your kids come first and any 'alone time' is a bonus.
Some women don't have the luxury of a night off and still manage to maintain a relationship.

[LittleMissFour]

NoFuchsGiven - my solicitor wrote to exh and his solicitor via email, my solicitor does not know exh's address either. I know him and his wife live in a house that is owned by her father, so i doubt I will be able to locate their address through 192. i know roughly where they live and I know his car. I feel so angry at them I do feel like turning up and waiting around for them. Not with the dc though.

I am really mad at exmil right now. She can see me and the dc are suffering. I don't want to be mean to her, the dc love her and she is good with them, but i feel like she could at least put me in the picture.

I can't message OW on fb. I tried that before and it appears she blocked me some while ago.

I an definately going to threaten exmil with calling exdh's work unless she tells me whats going on. I guess I have been scared to upset exmil as she is my only chance of a break from the dc, and i'm aware how stressed my dp is getting with the situation.

[LittleMissFour]

bibbitybobbityyhat - i wouldn't mind, but new wifes dd is hardly her step gc, she has only been in her life for a few years. And she is a teenager ffs, i doubt she will care who is at her tea apart from her mates probably.

i am going to suggest a formal agreement with exmil though. me and the dc need routine.

My dp is adament that i should take him to court though. It will cost me though. Does anyone know if he can ignore a court summons for a child contact arrangements order summons?

[HouseworkIsASin10]

I an definately going to threaten exmil with calling exdh's work unless she tells me whats going on. I guess I have been scared to upset exmil as she is my only chance of a break from the dc, and i'm aware how stressed my dp is getting with the situation

This is not your priority though, you should be more concerned about your kids and how they are feeling about not seeing their dad.

You can't make him see his children so you are going to have to get used to the idea that you are responsible for them full time.

[Starlight2345]

A few things here...I think the anger over the OW is understandable...

I think from both of you there seems to be some prioritising of your partners... You insistence it is Friday and Saturday nights you say so you can have time with your partner..Smack of he can't have any lone time with her.

It seems clear your Ex is alive not in prison as maintenance continues to be paid. IS this through the CSA because as said up thread you are entitled to more if no overnights.

He is clearly still working though not likely to be off sick.

My Solicitor said once that it is quite common in his experience for some men to enjoy the fight and not actually bother with the contact once they have won.. His words not mine...

You need to leave him to it however two things I would get legal advise on..What happens if he suddenly wants to resume contact also if you are giving MIL regular contact how that affects her rights to have regular contact.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her if ex intends to resume contact at any point ..

I do think you need help dealing with your anger and finding what is in the best interests of the children.

I also think treat very carefully with current partner ...For two children who have been fought over they really don't sound very wanted by anyone.

[LittleMissFour]

I have called the child maintenance people to see if i can claim more money. They have said that as exh is paying more than the standard cms rate (about £200 more) than i won't be entitled to anymore money.

[Lweji]

How do you think any court would force a parent to see a child? Do you think that would be healthy for the children?

People are free to reject their children by law. You can give them away for adoption.

If anything, considering his abandonment and impossibility to contact him, I might consider asking the court to remove parental responsibility from him.
Not to force contact.

As for your MIL, I really don't think you should force her to do anything. You don't know the pressure she's on from him, and she seems to want contact with the children, which is nice for them.

My best advice for you is to think of the children most and foremost. The rest will follow.

[toptoe]

Don't facilitate the contact from this point on.

What I mean is, wait for him to get back in touch. Wait for exMIL to call you. They have to make all the moves now. Don't ring him/his work/ his wife / his dm. Leave them to it.

You really have no control over this. You can't force any of them to tell you or the dc what is going on. Just tell your dc they are loved and that none of this is their fault. Sadly, ex's do move on especially if other dc come along. It's not right, but out of sight out of mind kicks in and they sort of compartmentalise off their existing dc. If they can't see how distressed they are, the feel ok with what they are doing.

I would be very careful not to cross over into what can be viewed as harassment. It really won't get you anywhere or help the dc. Demanding answers (whilst the dc should have answers) will not mean you'll get them.

Cool right off them all and let them contact you again when they are ready. Explain to the dc you don't know what is going on but that you think there must be some explanation.

Your current dp needs to realise that the court intervened because between you you could not mediate. It is not able to force a parent to see their dc. You won't get anywhere going down that route.

[toptoe]

Just want to add you shouldn't restrict access either when/if it starts again. As the dc will want to see their paternal family and whilst it's painful to see them being hurt, it would be better to come to some sort of amicable arrangement between yourselves. Any contact you have with ex should be minimal and clinical in nature. Being dropped off by MIL was probably a good idea as it may stop any arguing going on.

[QuiteLikely5]

You have got a nerve being rude to your mil just because she was busy when you thought she should be having your children!

By the same token your fella has also got a nerve being annoyed over the fact your children are in the way!

You cannot take him to court to force him to have your children

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

How upsetting it must be when one parent decides to just check out. They set up a new life with a new partner, take on new children, make a big fuss about having access to their children (oh except on Sunday morning because you need a lie in on Sunday don't you? And time with the new partner? I mean that's fair enough isn't it - because children are a pick-them-up-and-drop-them-whenever kind of a thing aren't they?) and then their interest dwindles and dwindles until poof that's it, they're outta there. You must feel furious, desperate, powerless and sad.

Children deserve a mum and dad who love them best, put them first and are always there for them. Your poor children - how confused they must be. Was this man a good dad when you were together? Or has he changed a lot?

I would be cross with the mother in law too! I mean there's standing by your son and not getting involved - and then there's enabling a shit father to dodge his responsibilities and totally fail his children! I have three sons and there's no way I'd do nothing if they treated their children like this! It's cruel. After all, no matter why he's done this, there is no excuse that will justify this man just leaving his children's lives without explanation, no matter how bad things were. Any loving, concerned parent who put their children first would sit their children down and explain if they were:

-having another baby
-going into hospital
-ill
-going to prison
-working

Then again, even if any of these were the reason and your ex had explained it all it still doesn't make any sense to have no contact whatsoever with your children for three months!!

And this man's a teacher? Being a teacher doesn't make you perfect but in the very least you're supposed to care about the welfare of children!

But what to do next? Well he's changed his number and his emails are bouncing back. He does not want to know. There's no point in going to court - they can't force a parent to see their child! So take him out of the equation and when he does crawl out from under his rock tell him he needs to go back to court if he wants access. I know it's horribly unfair to be left with all the responsibility but stop thinking about your 'child-free' time, only the best interests of your children. Be grateful your children are 7 and 9 not a newborn and 2. And just accept he's gone. If the grandmother gets in touch, allow access but don't depend on it or expect it every week just for 'child-free' time. Do it because it's nice for the children - though I must say they must be bewildered about why they see her and not their dad and must have asked their grandmother where he is? And question this new boyfriend of yours - he sounds an arse. Putting pressure on you is the last thing you need right now. And your children will sense it too.

[LittleMissFour]

Just for the record, I do not wish to take exh to court to force him to have contact, rather for him to engage with me regarding what is going on and if he wishes to still have conatct with the dc anymore. If he doesn't then I need to know and then prepare my dc (and my dp) for it.

I was wondering if i could at least get him summoned to court to either take up his access or give it up.

[LittleMissFour]

Thank you MagicalMrsMistoffelees, your post resonated.

Yes, he was a good dad, or so i thought when we were together. He wasn't the same after our second dc was born though and clearly favours the first. he didn't want a seconf child, I did. he left when the dc were 2 and 4.

I do feel completely powerless. which is why i wondered if the courts had power to make him accountable. if he doesn't want to see them anymore then why doesn't he say so?

My dc are so confused. i think my eldest has asked exmil about his dad's whereabouts, but I don't know what she has been telling them. They will be easier to fob off than me. I know she feels sad about it, she looks anxious when i see her.