What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

I suppose if he owns up and admits out loud that he doesn't want to see them then it's confirming to himself and everyone else that he's a complete fuckhead. It sets it all in stone. Far easier to ignore and pretend the problem doesn't exist. Again it's the whole putting himself before his children. His needs, his pride, his ego, his wants, his self-esteem, his outward appearance to the world. ALL more important than two small children who love and miss their dad. What a shit.

Saying he prefers your eldest makes me so sad. Just because he didn't want a second child doesn't mean he is incapable of loving both of them the same regardless. Let's hope he hasn't had / doesn't have any more children.

Are your parents around at all? Can they help out? (I think you might already have answered this - sorry if you have!) Not for your boyfriend and his 'us' time but for YOU as a single mother who needs a break.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think if you start any kind of court action you risk him lowering the CM he's paying as a 'payback' (of course that's unless the CM rate is court ordered).

I think you're just going to have to try and find peace with this. I wouldn't want to alienate nor separate my children from a loving grandparent because their son is an arsehole.

As far as 'alone time', you'll just have to do what countless others have done and find a reliable sitter or nearby relative/friend.

[graphista]

My Solicitor said once that it is quite common in his experience for some men to enjoy the fight and not actually bother with the contact once they have won.. His words not mine...

It is really common unfortunately.

You can't even make him attend court in these circumstances let alone be a decent dad. Don't waste your money.

[Boolovessulley]

You cannot force a parent to see their children.
My ex ( who I was married to for a very long time) has never had the dcs overnight.
The dcs haven't seen him since last year.
His new wife ( ow) comes first in his life.

It is crap and unfair.

At least you have a caring mil and none of this is her fault.

I think you have had good advice on here and if you push things your ex might reduce child maintenance to the legal limit.


I think it is very common for men to walk away and. It actually give a fuck.
I receive no maintenance and even though my ex was the one who left for the ow, he told the kids that he would never have them overnight because it would enable me to go out!!!

The best advice I can give you is to concentrate on yours and your dcs happiness.

Also I would not move in with your dp.

[LittleMissFour]

Just thought i would update on this thread.

Turns out that exh has had some kind of breakdown. I don;t know details but his mother told me when I refused to let her see the dc for a few weeks.
Looks like I would've found out anyway as I received a letter from the CMS today saying that my payments are going to reduce due to exh pay being slashed to staututory!

To say I am fuming is beyond the reality. can he really do this? It seems the hurt he has caused is never ending. Can he really cut his maintence down from £450 a month to just £5 a fucking week???

How am I supposed to cope?

Things with my new dp have been pretty much the same. He doesn't believe that exh has had a breakdown and says that he has seen him in 'work clothes' in the local sainsburys. He wants me to take him to court to find out the truth, but exmil is still begging me not to!

[babyblabber]

Of course he can reduce maintenance if his income has been drastically reduced. He can't give you money he doesn't have! You will just have to find a way to cope for now. Are you not remotely concerned re his health? I understand how much hurt he's caused you but from the point of view of your kids, surely you want to know exactly what happened.

I have to say from reading all of your posts it comes across that you are for more concerned with maintaining contact for the kids so that you can have alone time with your DP, than for their well being. I don't know if that's coming from your DP or you but you/your DP has to realise that your kids come first and do what's best for them re visiting MIL/ex, whether you get a break or not!

[LittleMissFour]

£450 is a lot of money to lose, and right before xmas :( I will literally have no money left over each month.

And no, I am not concerned for his health, he has deserted me and our dc. If he has not updated me then what can i do?

Of course I am concerned about my dc, they are missing him dreadfully and are becoming very withdrawn.

Exmil has been having the dc a few times overnight which has helped for me, but I think it is confusing the dc as to why they are not seeing their dad. I feel like I am having to keep her happy when I want to scream at her to sort her bloody son out as he cannot see the damage he is causing here.

[Bluntness100]

I'd phone his work, stop messing around, see if he's still employed there, and I'd also speak to child maintenance and say you think he's lied about his earnings if he's still at the school.

Either he is no longer earning and he has had a breakdown, or he is cutting the kids out of his life in favour of his new family and now doesn't want to pay. And his mother is both trying to protect him whilst maintaining a relationship with the kids.

I'd phone the school immediately and ask to speak to him, basically see if he's still employed there, then I'd get on to child maintenance and say he's lied. They will do an investigation into his earnings. However it could be this is the truth he's had a breakdown and isn't earning any more. Until uou pick up the phone uou won't know.

[witsender]

If he has had a breakdown then he is hardly in a position to see the kids I suspect...and if his pay has been cut to statutory because he is off sick, then he won't have the money to give you.

Tbh, no-one seems to have behaved as shoddily as you think they have, bar your new partner whose behaviour you think is excusable. The GMIL is in a tough spot, she will be wanting to preserve her child's Po privacy over your concerns, which I understand. If your kids enjoy being with her, then I think you need to separate her from her son in your mind... let your kids have their own relationship with her.

And I would ditch the boyfriend...he doesn't sound at all understanding.

[Oldraver]

Frankly your new DP needs to STFU..You cant take someone to court and make them see the DC's or find out the truth

[PoldarksBreeches]

Look, if he's had a mental health breakdown then you can't hold him responsible for his behaviour exactly. Clearly he should have told you but people in the grips of mental health crises don't tend to think clearly.
He can't pay you what he doesn't have and he can't see the children if he's not in a fit mental state. You need to release your anger.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

Your new DP is shit stirring and you need to give your own head a wobble.

Yes it's a lot of money to lose but FFS your kids dad is having a nervous breakdown. It's not something he can just snap out of.

Your kids are suffering, making them feel safe and secure should be your priority not getting angry with the grandmother or mythering about not having alone time with your boyfriend.

[THirdEeye]

If I recall your exDH is a teacher right? If so, then I think the reduction is all above board in the sense that he probably has been off work for a while. Wether, it be through stress many teachers l know have been off with stress related illness or depression may explain why he has stopped seeing his children. Like the PP said, if he doesn't have the money then he cannot give the same amount of maintenance.

I can understand your anger, especially as he has really let his children down. I'm unsure why your MIL, kept quiet.

[LittleMissFour]

"If he has had a breakdown then he is hardly in a position to see the kids I suspect" maybe not but he hasn't even talked to me about it, or to exmil to discuss what to tell the kids or what is going ot happen next.

Yes he is a teacher, but I don't know what school he works in now as he changed after we split.

Surely he can't get away with paying me so little when his wife earns loads? I bet her dc won't have to go without xmas presents this year!

I don't know why PP's are suggesting that i don;t care about my dc - they are all I am worried about. It is me who is picking up the pieces of their dads mess.

i have not shown any anger towards exmil, although i have shown my frustration about her not wanting to talk to me about exh or what is going on.

[OnionKnight]

Take him to court for what exactly?

[user1471451684]

I don't think new partners money has anything to do with the agreement. Doesn't matter how much she earns

[OnionKnight]

And his wife's income isn't taken into consideration.

Seriously it all seems to be about you and your twat of a DP, never mind that the father of your kids has had a breakdown.

[Costacoffeeplease]

What her children get is irrelevant isn't it?

If he is ill, and on ssp he won't have any income to speak of, so can't conjure £450 a month from nowhere

[loobyloo1234]

I'm sorry I haven't gone back over the thread since your update but £450 is a lot to lose I agree. However I really don't think you can do anything. If he's sick, he's sick?

Does your MIL buy your DC presents? Do you know if your exDH is going to buy them presents? If so, can they get any presents you were planning to get yourself to help you out?

Could you be entitled to more in benefits from the Government if his contributions are going to be drastically reduced?

[Bluntness100]

Honestly, you can't expect his new wife to pay for your kids, that's not how it works. He has to pay and if he's not earning, then he can't. I'm sorry but you must logically know that, right? It's never been the case that if uou remarry the new spouse then has to pay child maintenance for your children to a previous marriage.

Now you actually are being unreasonable.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Her income is irrelevant. They are not her kids. If he has reduced income, you'll get reduced payments - if he gets no income, you'll get no payments. I appreciate that is probably scary and it's awful timing right before Christmas.

There's no point taking him to court, really, they won't force him to see his children. You'd just end up with an order that you need to make them available for contact on X days. They may review your maintainenxe payments but they won't take her income into account and if he's on SSP, they'll agree with the £5 a month. If he was actually earning than you could attempt to get whatever the CMS suggested rate for two children is, I suspect less than £450, but other than your new DP (who is far from covered in glory here...) there's no suggestion that he is lying. It'd be a pointless lie given that he didn't want you to know!

[LittleMissFour]

I just feel so utterly let down by him. Surely he has to support his dc? Doesn't he care that I will be living in poverty? its not him that will be is it? oh no, he has his wife to look after him.

I work, so the only benefits i can claim are single person council tax and tax credits.

My car MOT is due next week, I literally will have no money left after all my bills are paid.

Dp moving in now isn't on the cards. Turns out if i co-habit for more than 3 months then exh can get his equity out of our marital home.

He really has screwed me and our children over good and proper hasn't he. why do men do this!!!

[4seasons]

I think a number of posters must be absolute saints ! If my DH had caused me as much pain and trouble as this man has done to OP I would also find it extremely difficult to empathise with his current health problems ..... if indeed they exist. £450 a month is an enormous amount of money to lose in one fell swoop. I hope that she finds that other benefits are available to her. A visit to CAB should help .
If you want to find out which school he is/ was teaching at a call to the education department of the local authority should help . Just explain the situation to them. Unless he's moved house he will only be working in local authorities accessible to his home I suspect.

[LittleMissFour]

I have no idea if he is going to get the dc anything for xmas, he won't communicate with me at the best of times. I will ask exmil next weekend when she sees the dc what her plans are for xmas and the dc.

[OohNoDooEy]

I think that he left you 5 years ago. You need to move on and stand on your own 2 feet. You shouldn't still be angry about him leaving, it is not healthy.