What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

[esk1mo]

sorry but i am completely on your side OP. he quite clearly is well enough to interact with human beings because he is living in a house with his wife and her children, and you know of two occasions where there has been a family gathering. unless he is holed up in their bedroom in the dark 24/7, it sounds like he is milking it. i feel so bad for your poor DCs. he didnt even send a christmas card. unless he is in some psychiatric unit, he has absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. he hasnt even text "not well. send love to DC. sorry" !!! one text! he could have asked his wife to send a christmas card.

and you absolutely have the right to be pissed off that he is living mortgage free with the woman he cheated with. it wouldnt surprise me if he was depressed, signed off, and can still comfortably live with his wifes wage considering they dont page mortgage, yet claim to CAB that he cant afford maintenance.

i think you ought to hire someone to look at this further because i guarantee he will be caught leaving the house and doing things that seriously mentally ill people cant do, no way would you have a family gathering if your exDH was so ill. and if anyone accuses OP of jumping the gun or overreacting, she is reacting to the only information she has been given. even exDHs wife could have sent a brief email stating that exDH is very ill, and she is very sorry for the DCs/the situation. instead she threatened to call the police because you want your DC to have a relationship with their father. if i were you i would sell the house, take your 100k and find somewhere else with your DP.

[BottleBeach]

Excellent post FatherPissmas.

Hope you're still reading OP.

[FatherPissmas]

Erghh this thread.

OP - It's so frustrating when you are there doing all of the grunt work without any help from your ex husband. Believe me, I've been there and it was beyond fucking awful. Your anger is natural despite all the hand wringing from previous posters however you are going to have to find a way to deal with all of this without it completely swallowing you whole.

The money situation is an utter cunt. I'm so sorry that you are struggling, it's totally unfair but now is the time to re-focus and try and work out some strategies to prevent you getting into further debt and hardship. There are oodles of suggestions around MN on how to tighten your belt in lots of ways. I know it's not fair. It is not fair but it is what it is at this moment in time and railing against the unfairness is not going to get the bills paid.

Stop consulting your solicitor, it's too expensive and makes no difference. Your problem is not one that the legal profession can deal with; your problem is that you are struggling to accept the truth of your shitty reality which is that your XH will not help you at the moment full stop. Whether that's down to illness or unwillingness is irrelevant for you, the result is the same.

As to the contact. You cannot force contact and you are playing right into their hands by going round to their house as it won't be too long before a police person will be knocking at yours. Again, not fair, but who ever told you life IS fair?

[PaterPower]

mandi you're assuming we're getting anything like the full story here, which I suspect we're not.

It would not be normal for anyone to restrict comm's as much as he has, (no address, no phone #, blocked on SM, doing hand overs via his Mum) and for his wife to shut the door immediately and threaten the police straight away? Yeah, I think there's much more to this than we're being told.

What if the scenario here was that she was abusive to him before he left and continued after. The "affair" may have been his reaction to that. Seeing his abuser would bring back and worsen his anxiety and depression so he's gone to extreme lengths to shut her out.

I don't know this, I'm just speculating, but it would fit some of what she's told us. Equally, he could just be a complete tool who's abandoned his kids. Given that contact details were restricted a good while before his illness etc, I'm leaning more toward prior abusive relationship but I totally accept that's just an opinion based on not much evidence.

[mandi73]

Wow, that's all I can say, just wow!!!!!!
You have great restraint OP cos I'd have been on his doorstep LONG ago.
How is her behaviour awful???????
Her husband has an affair, sods off with OW, goes to court for access and then just disappears from his kids lives......and it's the OP whose behaviour is awful.
One text to say he's unwell/not well enough to see HIS children and OP could have made alternative arrangements, let the kids know gently that dad wouldn't be around for a while.....anything!
Instead she has to play detective to find anything out, then next bombshell her income is to drop €450 and that's that, that's €110 a week, for me it would be a toss up weather we eat or have heat/electricity.
And on the topic of her DP being a dick........why should he take on the OP and her kids when it's been said quite plainly that's it's not up to the EX's new wife to do anything about the situation but the OP's DP should just suck it up?
And I think that I also would be going down the route of "Nanny says that daddy is sick but I haven't heard from or seen daddy in a long time so I don't know what's happening" to the children

I wonder how the EX sees this in the future.........he takes however long it takes him to get well and he walzes back in to be daddy...........

One note/letter/email/text/phone call from ANYONE to the OP could have saved everyone from stress and upset

[CityMole]

OP, you've undoubtedly been through a lot, but your behaviour is just awful and you run the risk of really damaging your dc's wellbeing far more than it has been already. Get a grip, woman. Your Dp still sounds like a dick btw.

[SparklyMagpie]

Just rtft, I agree with the PP, I wouldn't have told the children pretty much not to believe what has been said. It's doing them no favours.

You really need to stop stalking now,your solicitor has said there's not much you could do, so you're unfortunately going to have to suck it up and carry on being there for your children.

No good is coming from this. I also don't like the sound of you partner.

Unfortunately for you, you're just going to have to wait and hope your ExH comes round

[BottleBeach]

ExMIL has told them daddy is unwell, but i have told them we don;t know that for sure as he hasn't told them that or mummy that.

So their gran gave them an age appropriate explanation, which it appears from the CMS info is true, and you deliberately undermined their trust in her and took away the only possible explanation for his apparent rejection of them that might go some way to protecting their self-esteem?

He may have handled this badly, but the person causing your children most emotional harm right now is you.

[PaterPower]

You don't know what the "gathering" was about or even if your ex was in the house at the time. He may have been in hospital or even at his Mum's; his wife's entitled to keep up some sort of social life - she probably needs some sort of release if he's been in and out of hospital for the past 6-12 months.

He does sound like he's been ducking his kids and that is truly awful for them and I'm aware that such a big cut in income must be bloody difficult to deal with for you. However, I have not had full blown depression (or whatever else he's ill with) so I have no experience of what he's going through. And, with respect, neither have you. I've read a few books written by people who had parents suffering from depression (if that's what he's ill with) - regardless of their gender, those parents have usually not coped well or been able to do much with/for their kids.

I suspect there's a back story you're not revealing. As pp have said before, it's very unusual that he'd take all these steps to keep you out of his life unless there was some reason to. Most exes with kids manage to stay civil enough to know where the other is living, IME. His wife's reaction in slamming the door and threatening the Police so promptly is not usual behaviour either. Most people manage to be a little more polite... unless there's been some prior provocation.

Either way, take that one to heart; don't go back to their house if you're not welcome there - nothing good will come of continuing to stalk them.

[LittleMissFour]

Just thought i would update. Finding this thread useful to doccument whats been happening.

DC still not seen their father. ExMIL saw him a couple of weeks before xmas (so she says) so appears he has gone totally underground. He didn't even see dc over xmas, my eldest was devestated. He was supposed to have them xmas day night and boxing day as per our parenting plan / court order.

Apparently he told exMIL that xmas was too difficult for him. MIL ended up having the dc boxing day and overnight.

I can't work out if she is covering for him or not now. She doesn't seem sad / pissed off / upset that she hasn't seen her son for over a month. I asked her what the score was and she just says 'he's still unwell and i'm just giving him space'. Apparently he was hospitalised in early December.

Anyway, when i found out he hadn't even seen the dc when his DM had them on Boxing day, the next day I drove round to his house to confront him. I have worked out his house had to be one of three, based on dc's descriptions. When I turned up at his door it was obvious that there was some kind of gathering going on - cars in driveway, lights on, could hear noise coming through the door etc. His wife came to the door, saw it was me and just slammed the door on me!

After banging on the door again I was told through the door that they would call the police if i didn't go away. Lesson learnt there!!!!

Obviously he can't be that ill if he has a house full of people!!! But too ill to see his dc??? bastard.

According to his DM he still off work. I am now getting into debt trying to make ends meet without his usual CMS payment. My solicitor says there is little I can do.

I have told the dc that i don;t know what is wrong with their dad and why he isn;t seeing them. ExMIL has told them daddy is unwell, but i have told them we don;t know that for sure as he hasn't told them that or mummy that.

How do i cope with the fact that he may just try and come back into their lives?

Me and dp are still together and he is still reluctant to move in together. We talked about it a bit over xmas but he is worried about the implications of exh wanting his share of the house now he is off work.

My solicitor has advised me not to cohabit for this reason, unless we are married, as i will lose my house and financial security.

[SestraClone]

I can see now why they have kept their address/employment information from you....

[SandyY2K]

SSP is a definite £88.45 per week, not around £12 per week. Are you sure your job is "supporting line managers with sickness absence" Sandy?

I meant pet day, not per week. I remember that figure the last time an employees tried saying he was sick, but OH (occupational health ), weren't having any of it, so he was put on SSP. It was £12.36 a day then.

I'm not a payroll clerk, but deal with the actual case management.

[ElsieMc]

There is a bigger picture here. Whilst you do not want to stop your mil having contact with your children, which makes you a whole lot better person than how you are being painted on here op, it is not about her wants and needs it is about what is best for your dcs. After all, the court order is not in her favour is it and you have no obligation whatsoever to provide contact. It demonstrates that however angry you are, you want the children to see their wider family.

I don't think you mean some of what you have said on here, you are venting your anger, frustration and sadness and people have been very judgemental.

Another issue is that your mil does not have PR and in my case, as a gp carer, the judge was very reluctant to allow weekend contact with family members who did not have pr. This is not a personal view, just one straight from the court in our case due to the implications.

My gcs do not really go to their dads eow, the stay with their paternal grandparents who they do not like. I think the feeling is mutual as they grow older and my view is that matters will work themselves out as the order does not have much longer to run. The only time their dad became vocal was to reduce his cms payments by claiming he slept at their home!

I am really sorry for your children who must be very confused and your stress and worry over finances and their feelings must pass to them.

Whilst he has an order in his favour, a significant period of time without contact is a serious issue. The courts tend to want to rebuild contact over time. Supervised contact is not because someone is violent always it is when contact needs to be reintroduced after a long absence. It is not a punishment, it is about the welfare and feelings of the children and you will have to cross this bridge in the future.

I would not be happy about mil protecting her son over the children because that is what she is doing.

[HappyJanuary]

I don't think you come across badly op. I think you sound like someone who was treated badly and is still being treated badly.

I can understand why you're angry with him for disappearing, and I can understand why you're angry with his mum for keeping you in the dark when you thought you had a relationship with her.

You're angry and you're sounding off on here rather than in rl.

To everyone telling her she'll just have to manage - well yes she will, of course, but most people would be in a blind panic at losing £500pm so let's allow her some wallowing before she starts to get her head together.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

SSP is a definite £88.45 per week, not around £12 per week. Are you sure your job is "supporting line managers with sickness absence" Sandy?

[IonaNE]

What Mamabear said on p9.
Teachers get full pay for 6 months and progressively less for at least another 6 months, so if he's only getting ssp, he will have been off for a long time.

OP, you sound a nightmare, and come across as someone who mostly wants her adult time with her new partner; and money from her ex.

[SandyY2K]

I don't think stating continuously unhappy Is right either

The OP was happy enough and getting on with life until this happened. She has a new man in her life, so she wasn't wallowing in the past.

No decent parent would think it's acceptable to just disappear from seeing their children, without saying anything. There's no excuse for that kind of behaviour and he knows it. Breakdown or not.

The lines of communication were still clearly open with his mother and he (or his wife), told her what was going on, so seeing as though this had a major impact on the children he is supposed to love, I can't believe he, his wife or his mum thought that silence and no explanation for his disappearance was warranted. It really doesn't matter if he hateshis ex wife, but an explanation is needed for the children.

My job involves supporting line managers with sickness absence and it's amazing how articulate employees, calm and well they present themselves, when they find themselves being reduced to half or nil pay.

[HappyJanuary]

If he, or one of the people close to him, had thought to give op the heads up then she wouldn't be faced with the pretty big and sudden shock of losing £500pm, not to mention her kids wondering where their dad's gone.

He might have had a breakdown but it's weird as hell that he didn't communicate that to her at any point, or ask someone else to.

[LouisvilleLlama]

his fight wasn't pointless, he got more access nobody plans to have a mental breakdown or cancer another illness that limits their capacity to look after children and it could have been the fight to get access to his kids that contributed to his breakdown or atleast a contributing factor to why he decided to try and hide it from OP.

Also I don't condone cheating but I don't think stating continuously unhappy Is right either

[SandyY2K]

It doesn't usually go from full pay to nil pay. There's half pay. If it's a state school, they're under national guidelines, but I know academies do their own thing. I'm suprised that through the teachers union, he hasn't got some kind of insurance for this.

SSP is around £12 a week.

Also, the kids he was getting a solicitor for and got into debt for ..... well he's not seeing them now is he. So his fight was pointless. .. or your MIL wants someone to blame.

Goes to show that affairs aren't good for your mental health. Love doesn't conker all unfortunately and he and ex OW have to live with what they did.

OP ....look at it this way .... if he dropped dead with no life insurance ..... you'd have to manage.

[Caken]

I can understand to a degree why you're pissed off but for christ's sake stop stalking them! His new wife is none of your business, it's your ex that is the issue. Stop stalking her Facebook and driving by their house. If it was the other way around and you found out she was doing this to you I'm sure you'd have something to say.

[Aderyn2016]

The trouble is though Karma, is that exh does have a legal right to unsupervised access. He could turn up tomorrow and resume his legally agreed rights and the OP would have no idea if he was okay to look after the dc properly.
I think that as the other parent of his children, she should know where he lives, when he is likely to resume cs payments, if his illness will affect her dc's safety should contact resume.
I think she is only sneaking around trying to find out this stuff because no one would tell her. Under normal circumstances, if the exh, his wife and mother, had the decency to keep her in the loop then she probably wouldn't be doing any of this stuff.
They are all behaving as if none of this affects her.

As a society we ought to be making a lot more noise about the injustice of women constantly being dropped in the shit by men who think caring for their dc is optional. Unless his limbs are hanging off, there is no excuse to not tell the OP what is going on.
As far as mil is concerned, I don't think she should stop her from seeing the dc ever, but I do believe she ought to stop letting mil assume the access rights of the father. It sets a precedent and the access is for the father and dc to maintain a relationship - they are not transferable rights to his relatives.

[Colchestergal]

Teachers on a permanent contract get 6 months full pay then six months half pay.

Sorry your ex is doing this to you. Breakdown or not you don't push your DC away.

[Aderyn2016]

Ffs, there is nothing to indicate that she would say that to her dc. She is venting on mn. Lots of people say things on here tat they wouldn't express irl.