What has happened to my exh?

[LittleMissFour]

Have NC’d for this as don’t want to be outed.

I feel like I am in a bit of a dilemma. Have 2 DC with exh. Been divorced 2 years now after a bitter and messy divorce (he left me for OW). After months and months of not agreeing on custody and access we finally had a court ordered arrangement put in place in May this year for him to have our dc from school pick up every Friday and returned to me 6pm on a Saturday each week.

All seemed to be going well for the first couple of months. Gradually over the summer though he would get his mother to return the dc on Saturday instead of him. I know that he takes the dc to see his mother on a Saturday for tea as she is on her own since ex FIL died a few years ago so I know she is quite lonely and loves spending time with the gc.

After about the third week in a row I text exh to ask if all was ok as he had not been dropping dc off. I had no reply. I sent an email the following week when his dm dropped them off, again no reply. I have tried to ask exmil if all is ok and why she is now dropping the dc back and not exh and she just replies that ‘he is busy’ or ‘it makes sense for me to drop them’ (admittedly she does live closer to me than exdh – but only 10 mins less across town.

Exh had the dc for a week in the summer holidays and again, exmil dropped them back. That was the last time exh has seen our dc!

The week after I had a call from exmil to say that exh was unwell and that she would pick the dc up from school and that they would stay overnight at her house as he was too unwell to have them. This happened again the following week. I questioned exmil the second week as to what was up with exh but she just apologised and said that she didn’t want to get stick in the middle and that exh would not want her knowing about his business!

In advance of the following weekend, when I hadn’t heard from exmil I text exh on the Thursday and asked him if he was feeling better and would be having dc that weekend. No reply.

He didn’t show up at the school to collect the dc on the Friday. I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up. I emailed him. no reply. I rang his mother but turned out she was away that weekend and didn’t know anything about exh not showing up at the school.

That was 6 weeks ago now! Exh’s phone has now been disconnected and my emails to him bounce back. The dc have now not had any contact from their father since early August. And have not done any overnights at exmil’s since beginning of September.

I paid for a solicitor to write a letter to exh last month, but that has not been responded to. Exmil has been in touch every other Saturday and has asked to see the dc, I have taken the dc round there a few times for the afternoon but I am now starting to resent that as I can’t seem to get any answers off of exmil as to what the fuck is going on with my twat of an exh! She just keeps spouting off the same crap that she doesn’t want to get involved, that he won’t want her to tell me all his business etc.

I am now livid. My dc have been hurt enough through our divorce and they are missing their dad terribly! They are 7 and 9 and getting very withdrawn and angry.

Selfishly I am suffering too. I started a new relationship 18 months ago and took it really slow to start with, this summer we have got closer and had our first family holiday together, me and my dc with him and his ds. It was all going to well and we had started to talk about him moving in with us at some point in the future. Since all this with exh has been going on my dp has really distanced himself from me. He has been vocal about missing our ‘us time’ on a Friday night / Saturday. We now have very little time together just us. I also think he has been struggling with my dc’s behaviour since all this has been going on.

Help, what can I do? Can I force exh back to court and make him keep his arrangements? Should I keep letting exmil see the dc adhoc? How can I save my relationship with dp? Sorry for the long post, I’m just so angry and frustrated.

EssentialHummus, I like that approach. It feels like blackmailing her, but what can I do? I want to know what he is playing at!

She just says he is busy and that it is not her place to involve me. I know she feels bad for the dc, but he is her only child and I suspect she will direct her loyalty to him.

Court orders aren't enforceable from the angle of forcing the non-resident parent to see their dcs. I don't think there is much you can do to force your exDH to step up to the plate, although I agree I would want to know in your shoes.

I'd like your exMIL keep seeing the dcs because it's presumably good for them and it gives you a short break. You say that the main problem is that it's ad hoc - any chance of making a more consistent agreement with her?

Yes, she has directed her loyalty to him. It will be as simple as he doesn't want to be bothered with his children any more.

You can't force him to either

Get a regular babysitter for Friday night and spend time with your dp? Maybe a club they can do on a Saturday morning so you can get a bit more couple time?

I wouldn't go back to court and force him to have the DC, if he can cut contact like this he's hardly going to be happy to have them foisted on him, and they will be the ones made to feel unloved, like an inconvenience. It's annoying for you not to have a break but more important to protect them from rejection.

You have to take him back to court, I don't see what other option you have. So what if it makes MIL freak? She's got her head in the sand about how unacceptable this is, she deserves to get a sharp wake up call.

Sounds horrible for you and the DC

Is there any way you could meet your ex MIL, just the two of you, and have one last go at getting any info? I find it difficult to believe that a loving GM would keep something so big from you because its 'not her business'. Actually, it is her business, because its affecting her grandchildren and their mother. Make it clear that you don't need all the details, just why he isn't seeing his DCs anymore. If she doesn't tell you after that then tell her you have no choice but to stop contact as PPs have said.

After that, court. Though if he's not replying to solicitor's letters, it's unlikely he'll respond to a court summons...

I mean court not necessarily to force him to have contact time - not that that would necessarily be in the DC's best interests anyway if he's such a knob - but for you and the DC just to find out WTF is going on, for him to be held accountable in some way.

You have a court order and he is not following it so you need to go back and redo it.

It makes no sense that he's ill, because then surely MIL would have needed to tell you in order that you know he couldn't see the DC. I was seriously ill recently and one of the first things my mum did was to speak to eXH to let him know what was going on and that DS would need to stay there more etc.

Unfortunately you can't take him to court to make him see the DC.

But I would speak to MIL and say that given eXH has seemingly abandoned his children (and yes, I would use such emotive language) you don't feel it is in their best interests that they see her as it will only confuse them when they don't know why they can't see their father, so the DC's visits to them will have to stop. Unless she feels inclined to tell you the truth in order that you can tell the DC's why they've been abandoned by her deadbeat son.

And I'd tell your (d) P that "the hills are that way."

Odd.

Firstly, did he want more contact than he got? Did he fight to see the dc? It's just having them for 24 hours is not long to start with - I'm wondering if he wanted to walk away from it all and that he was sort of strong armed into contact by his dm?

Secondly, It didn't take long for him to start running down contact - you say after a couple of months of the order being in place his dm started dropping them back. For all you know she may have had them all saturday at that point. Perhaps his wife started to complain about not having their friday night/saturday at the end of a working week.

He may well have got 'ill' as his mum said initially, but I think that was a temporary excuse. I suspect she made it up to cover up the fact that he was dropping the kids to her early sat morning. Then she had to step in and offer to have them overnight when he stopped taking them after school, because she knows he didn't want to pick them up.

She's being honest: she doesn't want to get involved in what he's chosen to do, but she wants to see the dc. I'd be honest with her and tell her the dc want to know what is happening with their father as it is making tham anxious and feeling abandoned. Assure her that if she tells you he's decided to stop contact that you won't stop her having contact as it is important to you and the dc. Set up an arrangement with her to have them fri night and sat. She might then tell you the trutth after a couple of weeks.

You can't force his to see his kids.

I agree with everyone that's it's not some disaster, like he's ill, or MIL woudl have told you. He just CBA. He's an arse but neither you nor the courts can make him a decent person .

If you want the kids to go on seeing MIL, just agree a regular time . Whatever suits you, it's not been ordered by the court so it's at your discretion.

I disagree about her not seeing the dc. My dc was effectively abandoned by her df but has more contact with her paternal grandparents and this is very important to her. If grandma wants to see dc and dc want to see grandma, especially as their df is in the process of abandoning them (this is what they will feel), then they should maintain that link. It's very important to them, I'm sure. You'll only hurt them if you try and stop contact with her.

She isn't telling you precisely because she's afraid you'll stop contact with her. Instead, promise she can have the contact and you get to keep your fri night and sat day free. She'll trust you and open up a bit more once she knows you won't stop her seeing her grandchilden because her son is a dick.

I've maintained a really good relationship with my dc's parental grandparents and it has been lovely for my dc to keep this connection.

So sorry you're going through this - your children must be completely baffled. And it's so hard for you not having any answers to give them. My first thought was that he is ill? But why would that prevent him seeing his children? Not sure any answer would justify his behaviour to be honest. What a complete arse.

On top of that you also have a boyfriend who is being a complete and utter shit! 'Us' time is a luxury for parents not a right. If your children's father was dead would he still resent having no 'us' time? Why doesn't he pay for a babysitter if it's that important to him? Only a complete dick would be thinking of himself and his 'us' time in this situation rather than the distress of two young children who have been abandoned by their father. If you had a child with this man I'm sure he wouldn't expect a night off from it every week so why should your children be regarded any differently?

Do you think there's any possibility that his wife had been giving him grief about the children's visits and either not wanting him to spend time with them or her not wanting to care for two young children? That's the first thing that popped into my head and a huge reason for him to not want you to know why he's dropped out of their lives. Also a (chicken-shit) reason for your ex-MiL to not want to tell you the truth. She might feel horrible about it and doesn't want to compound that with hearing your (very valid) opinions of his action.

And I agree, your BF is behaving like a spoilt child.

Is he deeply depressed because karma has caught up with him and OW now has a bit on the side? Very weird, your only hope is to press ex MIL.

It's awful that you are seeing your DPs true colours in this situation.

My first thought was illness. When my ex got depressed he wouldn't/couldn't see the children.

There are all kinds of possibilities including the new wife not keen or he is just gradually showing less interest (ex did that too) and it's awkward for mil to talk about it.

I would not stop her seeing the dc. That's not fair on her or them or even you if you get a few hours break.

As for your new man, well if you have children, this kind of thing comes with the territory. I have had to give up any hope of a relationship or social life as ex hardly sees the children these days so I have no planned child free time at all. You will have to suck it up. It's hard but you can't make their father see them.

Oh. All adds up - he's probably just had a baby then...

I don't understand why OP exh having another baby would wipe him off the face of the earth?
Only scenario I can think of that makes sense is prison. Maybe the sporadic contact before the complete cut off was due to court proceedings/curfews etc.
I suggest you stop mentioning it to exmil and go through the court system again. Even if he decides he doesn't want to see DC, at least you have on record that you tried for DCs benefit. And, if court changes the order then it may protect DCs from him coming and going as he pleases.

weird, do you think he could be ill/having treatment? As for your MIL ok she might be in the middle but she also needs to think of her grandchildren and give her Son a kick up the backside, how dare he treat the kids like this.

Is he a home owner OP? It's fairly easy to find someone address and other information these days.

For all those saying the OP should go to court, what exactly do you think that court will achieve? It's the XH who essentially has the court order, not the OP, I.e. The contact has been granted to him, and he is under no obligation to stick to it, the order merely states that those are the times he can have the children. The only time the OP could go to court would be if the eXH had e.g. Refused to return the children, or he could go to court to seek more contact. to gain further contact.

In truth the OP has no right to know anything, not his address or state of health etc, which is why the only real route open to her is to tell the MIL that she can no longer agree for her eXH's contact time to be her time with the DC as the DC are very confused about why their dad has abandoned them.

Also the OP could try the electoral role to see if she can trace him.

As for a new baby, perhaps he and the OW see a new baby as a clean break from the past. If the DC didn't even know she was pregnant it's clear it's not something they will have wanted them involved in.

My guesses would be:

• prison (can you google his name and local court to see if anything comes up?)
• they've had an early/poorly baby (which can be all consuming)
• he or wife are ill (physically) and can't cope with other people knowing (especially if you've had a strained relationship in the past)
• he is having mental health issues/a breakdown (which he may blame you for after the divorce - not that I'm saying its your fault but he could be scapegoating you). Many people don't like talking about MH issues.

I hope you have answers soon, it's very hard on your DC.

Could you call his work number and ask to speak with him? Just a thought. If he's still paying maintenance presumably he's working.

I wouldn't be too tough on MIL, but I would be honest with her in a non threatening way.

You could say something like, I know and respect that you don't want to be disloyal to XXX, but the kids are very hurt and upset because they miss their dad. It's very distressing for me dealing with their upset, and they are my priority. I've decided to take legal advice, because this not knowing can't continue. I think I may be forced to go the court route which is a shame, but as the mother of his kids I need to know if and when regular contact will be resumed, because I can't see my kids suffer. I know as a mum you understand, you're putting him first, I need to put his kids first.'

If she still doesn't budge I'd find out legal options.

And his wife and the sighting in Sainsbury's then the glass of wine photo - could she have been further along in the pregnancy when she was spotted and the wine photo been post baby?

I bet he just cba.