Online Dating ... and this is a thread for while we are waiting! Dating thread 109

[loobyloo1234]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Evilwater move on, you've asked he's declined, you are pen friend/ego boost.

piss even mr friendzone is more keen.

pissssed even if he was in a bad way?

Maybe I'm too soft

lastnicknamefree. Both arms and legs broken ?
Do you want somebody who can be in a bad way and just vanish for months ? I know people who are married to those types and it ain't pretty. In a bad way and we'll get through it, still not my cup of tea but ok I guess. The ones that block everyone out are very difficult to live with ... Do you need that in your life ?

No you're right. I'm just feeling sorry for him because he's been ill (apparently)

I am a sucker for a sob story!

My new rule - after last Saturday night when I found myself the only sober person in a rough as fuck nightclub with my date being chatted up at the bar by a meth addict with no teeth - is am I having fun ? If the answer is no, that's it. No more texts, no coffee, no nothing.

I'm on date 2 tomorrow and so nervous. It's worse now I know I like him. I've cancelled one date and postponed the other, but think that's unlikely to pick up now. I know all eggs in one basket. Hoping he's worth it.

Lilacpink40 Ooh, second date! Way to go. Hope the date goes well. :)

lilac what are you doing/where are you going?! Second dates are lovely because you know you have a spark and chemistry so there's not the possible disappointment of first meet. Enjoy!

I'm officially ironless after my 2 tinder ones of last week fell flat. One was the no spark date Thursday and the other has stopped chatting after I questioned him. He superliked me, we chatted really well for 3/4 days but only during the day, he went quiet in the evenings. I think he was married/attached. He says he was working late but funny how he could chat all day while there but not evening!? Hmmmm

Lots of swiping for new ones this weekend!

So 2nd mooseburgers last night ladies with Mr Shy who again brought me a very thoughtful present and was brilliant company while we watched a film and had dinner.
I feel like after the intitial passion, there is much work here to be done in the bedroom. I'm not sure how experienced he was prior to marriage but he is another one I will have to train... he's good at the kissing and actual sex but zero foreplay and none of my bits got touched at all then he wonders why no orgasm for me

Also, added to that, he put his hand on my neck gently but in a way that was power assertive and although he stopped immediately and apologised when I said I didn't like it and didn't do it again I felt like from that point very vulnerable and kind of like a light went out in my brain. I haven't told him why I don't like it or that I have been raped and sexually assaulted in the past, I'm not sure what I think of hand on the neck because I know some men like the feeling of power? It doesn't tie in with so far his very (seemingly) chilled out and balanced personality. So am I missing something or is this just the past haunting me?

Myuser, it sounds like last night has stirred up a lot of feelings for you xx It's a difficult one, because if he doesn't jnow your past, then he wouldn't have known that doing what he did was going to affect you so much. But, it's early days, so why would you have told him. Just to add, if I'm on top, then this is something I would probably do without thinking. Probably no help to you at all!!

I've asked Mr Gosport when we might see each other again - he's trying to sort it, but has a couple of very busy weeks at work, after which he'll have more free time.

Mr 31 sent me a smiling selfie in the night, so it would be the first thing I saw this morning. He also said that he knows I think I'm too old for him and have too many wobbly bits, but he likes me just how I am and that he's all mine. Damn him and his words!

Thanks. This has happened to me a lot. I start to disconnect from people due to feeling kind of weirdly like I am going through motions but not really in the moment. The neck part instantly did this like a switch. I don't think he would do it again on purpose, but he could without thinking? so I was wondering if I should tell him and that would probably make sure he never did it. In itself it isn't a massive deal and now I have said 'no' and he crossed my boundaries for sexual gratification I would literally walk away from him instantly. I wouldn't keep going hoping it would improve. But I will give him another chance. It's very confusing. I am just discovering what he is into, and I do think he likes to be more dominant than he has let on so far and I don't know what I think about that. The best sex I have had is when I am dominant

Aw that's really nice about 31!!

Myuser I have similar past to you. I would say don't tell him. It is massively early days and you have said you don't like it so that should be enough. If he does it again walk away.
I also get that thing when the light switch goes out. Have had some counselling and she explained it is dissociation.
All this makes me v nervous in new relationships.
Hope you get stuff resolved in your head x

Yes that's totally what it is. Disassociation. Problem is I am worried once it happens once I will not be able to stop it happening every time regardless of what he does.
I was very nervous, I mean this is our 2nd time having sex and we started talking online in August. I have tried to take it slowly so that I would know if this was right for me but maybe I trigger very easily, with anyone. I'm not sure!

I think it's hard not to trigger and sometimes it can be something you wouldn't expect to.
Maybe give it another go - actually more than once because the first time after this you may be preoccupied. See how it feels. I haven't totally followed how many times you have met but do you feel he is a generally decent and trustworthy and kind person? If he is I am sure he won't do the mecknthunh again. As for him liking to be dominant, that's a tricky one

That should read neck thing - sorry

I would have had sex with him this morning and we did discuss it last night but despite me doing some inviting movements, he didn't put the moves on me and he had to leave. I didn't get any vibes he wanted to so I didn't take it further. So I don't feel like I don't want to have sex with him again, I do. But I already know he's sexually dominant over me which is why I did not initiate more (although not aggressively dominant currently at least!) even though outside the bedroom we appear to be more equals. It's not a confidence thing, I have fought men before for dominance and actually find that really really fun but somehow I have become submissive and I don't know why?!!
Last night I was trying to find out more about his personality because I do suspect there is something more I can't see... he did admit he could be moody although he feels happy at the moment. Also he has mentioned trust a few times and I think he might have trust issues that I haven't yet seen. Time will tell. I am determined not to be led into something blindly that turns out like my past to be dominant and controlling!

Morning everyone!

Myuser - I too have a neck trigger, which any contact can trigger (even wearing a polo neck is out for me!)

I haven't mooseburgered yet, so have no idea how this works in the world of OLD - have only had 2 sexual partners, I think I told them fairly early on - because I tend to totally dissociate if I can't handle things.

Now I've done lots more therapy, and it's not such a big part of my life (hardly ever think about it really). I've no idea how to deal with it. So far I'm managing through a careful stategy of not finding anyone even vaguley attractive. :)

I'm wonder though, if it's not just the neck thing, but that you think there may have been other signals that you picking up?

Also, how was he when you asked him not to touch your neck? I think you can tell a lot about someone from how they react to these things...

Morning.
Ive been reading this thread for a while and even made the odd post .
In brief I'm 2 1/2 ish years out of a bad 25 year marriage and trying the OLD.
Just wanted to share this with you all .....
I met a lovely chap through OLD at Christmas last year .
Expectations were not great and I was very new to it all .
Date however went great and I really liked him.
Over the following weeks though he decided the distance was too far . He was already driving 2 hours each way every other weekend to pick up his boys and didn't want to start another distance relationship.
Anyway we kept in touch over the last year .
We d often tell each other about dates and how they went ( or didn't ! ).
Holidays became a time to chat a bit more and send family pics .
Then for the first time we started to flirt a bit .
One night we decided that we were both so fed up of the whole OLD thing that if neither of us was in a relationship by Christmas we'd have a weekend away together . We'd go dancing , have some dinner, wander the German Markets ect and do lots of lovely things together .
It was a bit of a joke initially .
Then it became more real and he said he wanted to do this if I did .
Anyway , he's booked a lovely hotel, two rooms , spa ect and we're going in a few weeks !!
Hes said he's still unsure re the distance but we've both definately happy to give it a go .
We've both always said were not interested in hook ups but more a relationship , yet because of the distance and year long flirting we both know what may happen .
I'm genuinly excited but terribly nervous .
I've only slept with one chap since my marriage ended and we waited months !
Will def post from the loo during this date !

In a weird way I am glad it isn't just me! I don't have many other triggers (wrists tho), other parts of me being roughly handled is ok. Oddly being held by the neck wasn't part of the assault or rape it is the feeling it invokes it's not a memory it's a feeling of vulnerability

He did it a few times gently and I just moved his hand away. Then when it became firmer, more intense (not choking lol just more of a hold) I said out loud 'no' and moved it
He said 'I like it'
I said 'I do not like it'
We did not stop what we were doing but he said 'ok I am sorry I won't do it' and subsequently I felt him go to do it once more later on but must have reminded himself not to do it.
He said something like 'now you get to see what I Really like' (in bed)
I asked him to change position after that (spoons) which totally took me out of the dominant/sub position of him over me and he said something to the effect of 'you knew that would be a really good position you are good at this' and it was all fine

But I felt like I was 'managing' it all whereas last time I was pretty drunk and more disinhibited

Actually I also don't think I like my hair being grabbed either

Myusernameismyusername I wouldn't think twice about putting my hand on a guy's neck or if he did the same to me. The difference is I haven't been through what you have, so I do think it might be your past making you see intentions on his part that aren't there. He didn't know. And whether or not you tell him is down to you. The important thing is you've told him it's something that you don't like and he's stopped - if he does it again knowing you hate it, then there's something unpleasant about him. But the initial gesture doesn't mean he's a bad'un.

No I know and I am going to go with that
I think I am worried about whether I can make things work with someone sexually dominant at all. After all I called him Mr Shy for months to find out he isn't shy at all just quiet. It's unnerving me as I am loud proud and what you see is what you get