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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

344 replies

Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 05:08

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2016 10:14

That's very promising then.

I think the honesty is a bit of a starting point really (and a bit of a red herring).

If he can become a partner who is aware and supportive of your recovery that will be really helpful for you. It's just looking at it from outside and not knowing either of you, it is a bit of a risk that where you started was him not seeing it/you successfully being able to hide it from him.

toptoe · 22/10/2016 10:14

Missed the 6 week thing. Still think having a 1 year old will affect sex life. As will lots of other things.

There is more going on than just your weight gain in his sex drive. It could be that you taking control of your ed has triggered something in him that makes him feel low about his own mental health.

It could be lots of things

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 10:15

Bagina we are going to have to agree to disagree on the lying thing then.

Part of what killed my marriage was the little white lies my husband told to protect my feelings because it just meant I couldn't trust him.

SkippingPages · 22/10/2016 10:16

If he only knew you as having an ed, he may not be 'attracted' to you without it (and project that onto body stuff). It's a risk anyone going into recovery takes and I'm in total admiration of you, OP, for prioritising your recovery no matter what Smile

Bagina · 22/10/2016 10:18

LIttleTripToHeaven we're obviously thinking of our own personal situations. I see this as offering the kind of protection that you give to your children. Words cannot be unsaid.

Offred · 22/10/2016 10:19

And TBH given the amount of stuff around in the media and socially that is designed to create the idea that women who have EDs are desirable (not just about dress size btw) I think it is not necessarily that he is a bad guy for not having noticed.

It is what happens going forward that matters I think and whether you are willing to take the risk on him changing to be able to see when your thinking/behaviour has become pathological (which is nothing really to do with your weight/dress size really).

NovelDensity · 22/10/2016 10:20

Given the recent meds change I would definitely cut him some slack and see how things go. He can always discuss changing to something else / changing back with his doctor if things don't improve.

It sounds like there are lots of positives in your relationship, good luck to both of you in working through this Smile

PushingThru · 22/10/2016 10:21

Telling someone who is recovering from an eating disorder that they're too fat to have sex with is the handiwork of an utter cunt. I'd be having sex with her every night of the week & reassuring her how beautiful she is & anything else I could do to aid her recovery.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 10:22

That's the point though, for me, the OP isn't a child. She is an adult who asked an honest and direct question and deserved an honest and direct answer.

I would want to know that my partner respected me enough to be honest with me. That way we could both make an informed choice about the future of our relationship and how we were going to progress things.

Bagina · 22/10/2016 10:27

Vulnerable adult though. I'd want protecting.

Heatherjayne1972 · 22/10/2016 10:27

Well done op I admire you it's not an easy road to recovery
Clothes size is just a number means very little really health is far more important
Just remember Marilyn Monroe was a U.K. Size 16 (wondering if men like these are aware of that- I was married to one)

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 10:28

I'd be having sex with her every night of the week & reassuring her how beautiful she is & anything else I could do to aid her recovery.

And what if that wasn't what she wanted or needed? What if what she wanted, at a very difficult time in her life, was to know that she could rely on the man she married to be honest with her, so that she knew she could trust him and everything he said to her? What if she was feeling that her head was a bit chaotic and knowing that he was a reliable constant meant that she was able to readjust her previously disordered thinking?

That he feels that way might be unfortunate, but there is nothing the OP has said that suggests he was attracted to her because she was ill, or that he has bullied her for her weight gain, or that he is trying to sabotage her in any way.

pseudonymph · 22/10/2016 10:28

I don't know OP - you and your DP have clearly been through a lot recently - 1 yr old, bipolar diagnosis, decision to tackle an ED - and it is certainly true that sexual desire fluctuates within most marriages, so I wouldn't be in a hurry to give up on it if the rest is good.

But, if you have an ED and he only fancies you skinny that is a serious problem. It's not even a question of whether he's right or wrong to do so necessarily, just that being with someone who is sensitive to your weight is highly problematic for you.

And I would certainly explore whether he is (subconsciously) attracted to your illness or you are (subconsciously) attracted to his judgement. It could be a co-incidence, but it's hard not to think that this plays some kind of role in your relationship.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 10:29

Just remember Marilyn Monroe was a U.K. Size 16

In today's clothing sizes she was about a 12.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 10:31

OP you sound incredible. Not only have you made a spectacular recovery, but you are responses on this thread are dignified and clear.

Your husband sounds like a man who loves his wife very much but who is, temporarily (hopefully), having to come to terms with his wife becoming someone very different to the person he has known thus far, both emotionally and physically, as Matilda said earlier.

I wish you both good luck and good health for the future.

Original poster
Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 10:32

Littletrip - so much yes! I value and need his honesty above being wrapped in cotton wool!

OP posts:
JellyBelli · 22/10/2016 10:34

That he feels that way might be unfortunate, but there is nothing the OP has said that suggests he was attracted to her because she was ill

There is nothing OP has said that suggests he is attracted to her now she is well and a healthy weight.
Shes no longer ill and she is a healthy weight, not fat. The fact her husband claims she is fat is a red herring. She is a healthy weight.
This is why counsellors advise people not to enter a relationship when they are ill.

whattodowiththepoo · 22/10/2016 10:36

He has done literally nothing wrong!!
Are PP saying he should shut up and continue having sex when he doesn't want to?
Absolutely fucking horrific attitude from so many posters.

AyeAmarok · 22/10/2016 10:42

Jelli, OP has said she is borderline obese. Not "a healthy weight"

He was attracted to her a few months ago, after she'd put on a lot of weight. Since then, she's become almost obese AND he's had a change of medication that can affect libido.

There is a lot going on here. This isn't a completely stable situation where OP has just put on a few pounds.

Honestly, can people not read?

whattodowiththepoo · 22/10/2016 10:42

According to popular opinion on mumsnet = Wife has sex with husband when she doesn't want to to please him= he is abusive.
Husband doesn't want to have sex= he is abusive.
Jesus Christ.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 10:45

I know. what. Sometimes I only hang around and post on threads to show that NAWALT.

Secretsandlies222 · 22/10/2016 10:50

Absolutely, Whattodo. I can't believe how incredibly binary and simplistic some of these responses are.

Original poster
Edwarrior · 22/10/2016 10:52

Thank you very much, Little Trip. I appreciate that Smile

OP posts:
FerretFred · 22/10/2016 10:52

OP. Tell him to have sex or you will leave him. If he doesn't it's obviously because he doesn't love you. Afterall, you have an entitlement to have sex with him.

Thats acceptable isn't it?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/10/2016 10:56

Hi Edwarrior, very well done, stay on the right track ! 🌺
It's a tricky one. This is a shot in the dark, so forgive me, if I'm totally off kilter. You say that your DH, still kisses and cuddles you, which we all know, can lead to sex. Do you think that there is any chance of your DH, not being able to achieve, or maintain an erection. He may be using your weight gain, to mask his own insecurities. Just a thought.