MIL no-contact, DH sad, what to do?

[DilapidatedGlamourpuss]

This is going to be long, and MIL related. Sorry. I just don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to dripfeed. This is so identifying to anyone who knows me but I don’t even care anymore.

I’ve been with my DH since we were 18 (we met at uni), and we married this year. We are in our late twenties. We relocated earlier this year for his job to the US. Our relationship is mostly great and we are very happy together. There’s one problem, my MIL. We are now completely estranged and its breaking my DH’s heart. We are due to go home for Christmas and I have no idea what we’re going to do.

I’ve always felt that MIL has disapproved of me, and we have clashed over the years when I have refused to toe the party line like the rest of the family. Everyone does what she says, because if they don’t she cries, or is ill, or starts an almighty row. I’m not used to such a manipulative dynamic in my own family, and it made me very wary of her.

Whatever we did wasn’t the right thing. Jobs, where we chose to live, the fact we hadn’t bought a property by 25, our friends, the fact that I have had MH problems and have had some time out of work over the last few years due to ill health.

When I was 19 and disclosed that I had been abused she asked whether I had been tested for STIs, as she didn’t want me to pass anything on to her son. I was going through the ordeal of seeing the case go to trial, giving evidence in court and watching it be plastered all over the national news at the time. It made me feel so ashamed and dirty and I have never forgotten it. She tried to persuade my DH to leave me at the time, something he let slip. I let it go then, as I was grateful she hadn’t thrown me out of their home for my disclosure. I have come a long way since then.

Over the years, I veered between avoiding her and trying to be accepting of her personality, out of love for my then DP. There were times when we got on better, even though I still felt the underlying disapproval. So, last year we got engaged and planned a wedding very quickly as we wanted to move to the US. We would have got married in the following 18 months-2 years, but we had been given this opportunity of a lifetime and to be together needed to be married. And that’s where the trouble began.

She ruined our engagement party by crying and storming off when she found out we weren’t going to be married in church. She continually made digs about this, even though she knew I had been abused in a church setting and this was really triggering for me, which I explained to her. She goaded me into screaming at her and getting completely hysterical when we went round there by constant little digs about how what we were planning wasn’t good enough, because she didn’t have enough involvement. I tried to involve her in the beginning, but she wanted to entirely take over so I drew back.

In the interests of full disclosure, we asked her to make the cake as this is something she does as a hobby and is very good at. I thought it would be a good way to make her feel involved, but I think this was a mistake. They also offered money, which we accepted. This was also not a good idea - we were able to pay for the wedding but I think DH didn’t know how to not accept their offer. I did meet her and forgive her for the above, before Christmas. I made some compromises to try and make her happy – not having the humanist ceremony we really wanted and we tried to accommodate them with the food.

My DH left for the US in January a few months before the wedding, so on the whole I had to plan it without him, but was running everything past him over Skype. I met her for coffee with my DMum, as I had a feeling she was going to create a scene or try and manipulate me, which is exactly what happened. What was meant to be a talk about wedding plans turned into her screaming that the wedding would be a shambles, it wouldn’t be real as it wasn’t a church wedding and that she wasn’t coming. In a shopping centre. It was so embarrassing and I was very upset. We tried to cut the scene short, and walked away. She followed, shouting at us. This is because I told her we would be getting married in another room than originally planned, because the guest list had gone up. She then sent me a very malicious text after. My DP was in the US, absolutely heartbroken and bewildered that she had said she wasn’t going to come.

To cut a very long story short, she came to the wedding and we managed to keep it civil. This was through various people in the DH’s family putting pressure on me to meet her and talk about it. Everyone is desperate to placate her all the time. After the wedding, I discovered she had tried to manipulate the wedding planner into changing the room, been horrible to my bridesmaids when they changed their dresses in the evening, ran our wedding down to anyone who would listen and had a massive row with her DSis because I met her for lunch. As far as I know, they still aren’t speaking.

After this, I decided I could have no contact with her. She made the run up to our wedding the most miserable time of my life, when it should have been happy. She does not understand why I won’t have anything to do with her, even though she has had it explained by various family members. My DP is desperate to have us in the same room at Christmas- we are both homesick and he is so sad that we are estranged, even though he is completely on the same page that what she has done is awful. She is still his Mum and he loves her, even though he doesn’t like her behaviour. I hate seeing him cry about this, but I’m still so angry with her I think meeting her would make it worse. I feel such hatred and bitterness towards her for everything that has happened over the years and I don't want to inflame the situation further by losing my temper.

So – does anyone have any idea where to go from here? If you got to the end of this congrats, it was long.

Thank you all. Especially Unleashing. I'm just reading and digesting at the moment.

I don't feel emotionally safe with MIL, so that should probably be reason enough not to engage with this at all. BIL is skyping DH tonight so I expect there will be a conversation after that

I will reread this thread first to try and be stronger with him. I'm fed up of hearing that this has all been blown out of proportion and then him backtracking when I remind him what she's done.

I love him but I'm so frustrated with him too. I've even said if this was anyone else you wouldn't expect me to see them. Then he says if this were my parents he would be doing anything to fix this/just wants to make everyone happy...

Whenever there's mention of a MIL you're always going to get loads of posts telling you to have nothing to do with her, she's an evil bitch etc etc - and some of them are, but I have a hunch that it's the DILs who also have difficult relationship with their MILs that urge other on to go "no contact" I can see both sides, but I think the last sentence of you last post says a lot really - DH says "if this was your family he would be doing anything to fix it"....................he sounds like he is very generous spirited. And you know she might well be an old cow but she did one thing right - she raised a son who has turned out to be a loving husband to you. hope you can find it in your heart to strike some compromise if only for the sak of your DH.

"Then he says if this were my parents he would be doing anything to fix this/just wants to make everyone happy..."

If this was your parents you would have been in low or no contact with them a long time ago. But its not your parents here so its not relevant anyway.

Your DH is still very much in the FOG when it comes to his mother and his own inertia hurts him when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you. He is very afraid of her, far more than he is or ever would be of you and does not want to be in her firing line. It is very much a case of comply or "die".

He would rather put you in that position instead of him because he still seeks her approval (so he is not being generous spirited here at all). Also he does not really want to acknowledge that his mother is not the wonderful or selfless person he has been led to believe she is.

You also do not feel safe with her; an extremely good reason I think not to be anywhere near here. Do not spend any time with his mother. You also would not have tolerated any of that from a friend, family are no different.

Unleashing has given you some very good counsel; do take heed.

she raised a son who has turned out to be a loving husband to you

sounds to me like she raised a son who's so scared of his mother that he can't say No, and puts his wife much lower in the pecking order than his mum.

Compromise works well, but not when one party is deliberately out to cause trouble. It isn't because she's a MIL, it's because she's an unpleasant person who happens to be your MIL.

I too think you need to stand up to both her and him, OP, and decide that you won't simply roll over and become a doormat. From what you write, even that wouldn't make her happy; if all you say is accurate, she seems to rather enjoy spoiling things for you.

How to do that? Tell your husband what you will and won't do and stand by it. Stand strong against the flying monkeys too. Imagine a rock under your feet, that's your safe space, and no one is allowed to push you off it. Definitely read up on Toxic People.

Btw if your husband just wants to make everyone happy he's being very unrealistic. Not everyone is the world is nice and some get their kicks being mean, for some reason. I wish it wasn't so.

Dilapidated

re an earlier comment of yours:-

"His DDad is ineffectual on this matter. They have a tumultuous marriage, and from what I gather he supports me on certain points but is choosing an easy life".

Not surprised to read any of that re his dad.

Women like your DHs mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them. Such weak men as well often need someone to idolise; he is really her hatchet man here and cannot be at all relied upon. Also women like his mother cannot do relationships either so the men in their lives are either long gone or are just as narcissistic.

Your MIL appears to be a narcissist. Please google and read up on it if you haven't already.

You are totally doing the right thing going NC with her. If your dh can see your point of view then he should understand. If he doesn't than he shudl still support your viewpoint.

I hope for your sake OP that your dh can realise how awful his mother is, other wise you have a lifetime of this ahead.

I asked him how he wants Christmas to pan out, and he said he doesn't know other than he wants it to be like this never happened. He's not fully rooted in the reality of it all.

Blimey, that's weak. Denial and pretence are hardly the answer, and short of wiping your memory, how could it ever be 'like this never happened'? I agree with whoever said your DH's reactions are childish. He needs to stop behaving as though he has no agency and grapple with the realities.

And beware: being in the same room sounds doable, but no one wants you in the same room with an atmosphere, so then it becomes 'Just say hello' or 'It's only a photo', and then 'Can't you just talk to her?' etc etc until you are actually in full-on 'Placate MIL' mode and your own feelings are being disregarded.

Not to mention, it is okay for your DH and all the flying monkeys to say this when they are not the target of the abusive behaviour. Pretending it never happened will involve you being a saint and staying that way whatever your MIL dreams up next.

Your DH seems to be behaving tacitly as though it is your conduct that's the problem. That isn't right. The problem is your MIL's astonishing hostility towards you (based on nothing you've actually done, it seems, but on her own problems) and her willingness to give vent to it at any time and in any place. What's to stop her doing it again at Christmas? Is anyone asking her to make concessions or give assurances? If not, why not?

I think that you seeing DH's family at Christmas, even for a short time, is a really bad idea. Fake it once, and you will probably be expected to fake it always. Given the whole nightmare is so recent, you are being reasonable to skip this Christmas and then see where you are for future years. It is going to take quite a while for you and your DH to address this, don't start the process by agreeing to see MIL and putting yourself on the back foot.

Something has occurred to me strongly reading through your responses, and that is why isn't he more angry with her? He has had periods of anger towards her but would prefer to 'move on' (which in his head seems to mean asking me to invest in the fantasy that she won't do this again, if I was to have contact with her).

If my parents behaved like this to DH, I'd be livid. I wouldn't be speaking to them. I've told him that, and I think he thinks I'm uncaring as 'family comes first'. It doesn't always though, surely? I don't want DH to be forced into some kind of choice or ultimatum situation as I don't think that's healthy, but I wish he was putting me first

He SHOULD be putting you first. He seems to be telling you that he doesn't see you as family.

Don't bend for your MIL just because it's Christmas. She needs to apologise first for her horrible behaviour and your DH should protect you. MIL is jealous of you. She wants to be the only woman in her son's life.

He has had periods of anger towards her but would prefer to 'move on'

I'm guessing he's very afraid of her. He gets spurts of anger and then doesn't dare actually face her. So he'll complain to you and then crumble when it comes to saying No to her.

Word of hard advice: don't have children with this man until you have got this resolved. If she's child orientated, she will be hell and he hasn't got your back.

If she's like other destructive control freaks, there are really only a couple of options: she takes over and you become a doormat or your husband stands up to her and puts you first. After he puts you first, if he does, then you can work out a way of standing firm against her together. Sometimes that means standing up to her, riding out the toddler-level tantrums and reaching a sort of peace. Sometimes it all becomes impossible and you have to go NC.

But right now there's almost three people in the marriage because he's putting her first. If you bring a tiny little fourth into it, life could become unbearable for you. That's the most vulnerable time of your adult life before old age strikes, and you need someone to have your back then.

Of course 'family comes first'. But he doesn't seem to realize that YOU are his family now. A person's first loyalty should be to their spouse, then children (although the two are usually so intertwined), and then to their parents.

Why don't you ask him to list his 'family' in order of precedence. I'd be willing to bet he lists you first. Then I'd tell him to 'act like it'.

I just had a very long videochat with my DParents which has confirmed the above. He is scared of her. He wouldn't say it, but he is. He cannot look her in the eyes and confront her at the same time.

That's something my DMum remarked on when she came to collect me the night MIL broke me into hysterical tears. I literally laid down on the floor and cried because I felt like she was breaking my mind. I've never done that, I hate crying in front of anyone due to my past and try to maintain emotional control (a whole other thread). DMum said DH tried to say to her she had caused me to feel this way, but he couldn't look at her as he said it

I'm going to have to talk to him- something has got to give here. We would both love to have DC but everyone who said it's not a good idea under the current circumstances is right. I wouldn't want to bring children into this horrible mess

In some ways I'm tempted to show him this thread, but don't know if it would make things even worse.

OP
Your thread has stuck with me today. I hope this thread has been of some help to you. I just wanted to say, you are brave, you are strong, and you a worthy of being treated with love, kindness and respect. Not just by DH, but by the lot of them.

I cant imagine what you've gone through and are probably still going through. I think you need to take stock of all that you have achieved, and been through, and that you are still standing, still fighting and still trying to build a future. Never stop being proud of this. You haven't come this far to be dragged down by anybody.

This is your life. You are the one in control of it. Don't be pressured into doing anything you aren't comfortable with. You have had enough of that to last a lifetime. Your mental health comes before everything else. If your DH wants to go and see his mother let him, you are not stopping him, his attendance isn't dependant on you going. Unless they want Christmas dinner and a show.

You know what you are comfortable and happy doing. From the sounds of it, it isn't going anywhere near that woman. You don't have to. You need to be calm and explain he goes if he must, but you wont. If he cant respect that, then he doesn't deserve your concern. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into anything. She's abused you, and despite everything you compromised your wedding for her. Enough is enough. Why should you put his needs before your own, when your feelings haven't even registered with him. And like fuck would he make it up with your family if the tables were turned, because I suspect you would have supported him and set boundaries for your family. He has allowed his mother to put his wife at risk of a mental breakdown and said nothing.

Don't be negative about her, just be firm and clear. Your Christmas is just as important as his. You are rebuilding your life after a hellish ordeal. You are making a future abroad, you are trying to find work in a new country and everything else that goes with it. Explain you love him, and its the value you put on your marriage and future together which is why you are not going. You don't want another row, and more upset. You don't want a potential argument with him, or for him to be hurt, or anyone's Christmas to be ruined or you to be abused and humiliated. He cant guarantee MILs behaviour, especially at xmas when she will likely have been drinking and will be feeling especially brave in front of her family.You are being realistic, and quite frankly this is self preservation. If he can't understand this, then the problem isn't MIL, its DH.

Like I said, your thread stayed with me. You should be proud of yourself for everything you've accomplished. You are capable of some amazing things, never stop telling yourself that. Set your own self worth, and don't let DH, MIL or anyone else sell you short.

Take care OP.

As others have said, your DP does sound full of fear and I think needs counselling - could the two of you get support together?
Sounds like MIL has a very unhealthy hold on him.

Well done OP - this is very tricky and I feel for you!

Thank you everyone for your kindness. I have written DP a letter, explaining why I can't see her at Christmas. I think having it in front of him might be easier than me trying to explain.

I told him on IM that I wanted to talk to him about this tonight, and now he's no longer replying. He's gone out to dinner with a friend, and he will probably come home late now and be all pissed off with me. Burying his head again. I hope I'm wrong.

Whatever you do, stick to your guns till the very end.
Don't let him manipulate you or try to gaslight you. You know the real situation, he doesn't, pull that wool from over his eyes and show him.

That bit where you say you questioned why he never got angry at his mother. Well that resonates with me.

My DH did the same thing. And in my darkest moments remember repeating to him "why do you never tell your mother how it is? Why do you sugar coat the situation? Why do I get made responsible for things going wrong, and MIL doesn't?"

You are seeing the light. It is such a hard long road to go down, it's very emotionally taxing but stick to your guns!!!! That strength will keep you going.