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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

954 replies

Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 18:14

Hope this works...

OP posts:
dungandbother · 21/10/2016 21:34

(Dusters is high from that dratted car)

2012PP · 21/10/2016 21:34

Hey dusters - I'll take your fish finger sandwich & Diet Pepsi and raise you a chocolate chip rice cracker and squash juice 😜

greencarbluecar · 21/10/2016 21:36

dusters you have the Duster Mobile. We know you're rock n roll.

I want a Duster Mobile outing now! Bring on the Queen and sledgehammer

greencarbluecar · 21/10/2016 21:38

2012 chocolate chip rice cracker?? Where do you get such things of beauty?

I had cake. And tea. Might have to go and look for some chocolatey biscuits soon

2012PP · 21/10/2016 21:44

Green . For you

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2
Natsku · 21/10/2016 21:46

I have wine and I forgot about dinner, oops!

PurpleThursday · 21/10/2016 21:47

Evening all.

I live the idea of Mindfulness. I bought Ruby Wax's latest black ok which I thought was fabulous in a lot of ways but I just couldn't ever find the time to read it properly and try things.

A friend once said to me (after some bereavement counselling) that a good thing to do is leave the worries/concerns/ stresses that you can't do anything about outside in a box by the door. Don't let into the house - or again if can't sleep imagine putting all outside of the bedroom in a box. I can't always do it but it does make me think when WankNarc has caused an upset that I will not let his bad feeling into my home and have any effect on my life with the kids. It works sometimes - may be of use to some of you.

2012PP · 21/10/2016 21:47

Nat - that made me laugh. Not sure if it was supposed to - but thanks

nicenewdusters · 21/10/2016 21:48

I'd missed that your ds was only 4 2012. Yes, too young to toddle out the door on their own, especially if they're reluctant. If we were really nasty women we'd video our dc celebrating not going to their dads. But we haven't been broken by them so we don't - bet they would.

Greencar - pleased to see that some of the mindfulness related stuff has been helpful. I don't have the time or frame of mind for meditation. But there are other ways to meditate, such as walking meditation, or just really concentrating on a very specific task, like making something. I've always liked this description:
"The purpose of meditation is to take full possession of our experience of the heart's unutterable intervention in the world. It helps us to inhabit the real world instead of semi-consciously inhabiting our own world inside the "outside" world and muddling up the two. It is only in the full presence of the inner world that the outer world can be fully present to us."

Just typing that made my brain hurt a bit !

Alternatively we could just ask Lilac to give us a few highlights of her on line dating/flirting tonight?! Never done OLD myself. A friend told me she quite enjoyed it until every other man felt compelled to send her a shot of his wedding tackle! Is that really what happens?

PurpleThursday · 21/10/2016 21:51

By the way. After the wonderful, well thought and and well intentioned advice on here (thanx all) I had decided that I would not talk DS into going to WN's tomorrow, and just give him some space to work through his emotions at home with me. We then remembered that WN had promised (don't know if it will actually happen) a Disney Day Out in half term next week. I said to DS that if he refused to see him this weekend it was likely that WN would say he couldn't suddenly want to be with him just to go on the trip. DS is desperate to go on the day out... so has now said that he will go there tomorrow. Gah!!! I give up!!

greencarbluecar · 21/10/2016 21:54

Never tried OLD either, that's how WankNarc picks up his victims and I'm too scared he'd find me on there!

I don't think I'd get on with meditation either but that bit about concentrating on a task like making something resonated, I've thrown myself into things like that as a coping mechanism at times.

2012 that made my mouth water! Love choc chip anything Smile

greencarbluecar · 21/10/2016 21:56

Oh purple kids!! You've done the right thing though, letting him know he's being heard. That security might be enough for him to cope with going to WN, at least for now.

nicenewdusters · 21/10/2016 21:58

Is that cracker actual food ? It looks like a coaster made out of cork! I feel shamed now. Your snack is almost 5 a day, compared to my chav sandwich and "pop".

Yes, the Duster Mobile is sitting sadly on the drive. It's wasted on me really, I don't like to drive above about 55 mph! I'd love for us all to go out for a spin. We could wear Freddie Mercury costumes. The all-in-one spandex body suits, white vest top and faded jeans, or leather jacket and black trousers. We'd head bang until we had to go home for a lie down.

Natsku I love that you're drinking and thinking there's something you should of done - oh yes, eaten!

nicenewdusters · 21/10/2016 22:04

Purple You did your best. The main thing is he's exerting some control over the situation. His hand may be being forced because he knows his dad is unreasonable, but he also knows you're not going to force him to do anything.

PurpleThursday · 21/10/2016 22:06

Greencar Ruby talks about tasting something, really tasting and savouring each moment - although that has just reminded me of Cold Feet!

Another thing she says is eg in the shower, focus on the sensations, smells etc. Get lost in the moment I guess which is light relief from the shitstorm around us!! Wink

2012PP · 21/10/2016 22:07

It's an actual chocolate chip rice cracker.
I bought them "for Ds" ! As a healthier alternative to all the chocolate I let him eat! He hates them. 😯 I love them. I love the idea they are part of my 5 a day. I'll go with that.

I like the meditation/ mindfulness . It takes a Lot of dedication and I find it very easy to get distracted and loose it but if I keep it up , it's a good and useful. Especially about putting problems into boxes/places to be dealt with at a more appropriate time -

I also love the idea of narc-spray

greencarbluecar · 21/10/2016 22:10

Oi dusters, what you mean chav sandwich? I bloody love a fish finger sandwich, leave them alone! but then again I also love crisp sandwiches

I'd go with one of those early 70s Freddie M outfits with the flares and sparkles. I'd fall asleep in the car on the way home like an overtired toddler, but I'd have a great time getting to that state.

greencarbluecar · 21/10/2016 22:15

Ohhh I love the idea of a sensory narc crap relieving shower purple going to try that.

Also going in armed with imaginary Narc Away spray bottle next time I have to see WN. Arrogant looks, squirt squirt. Bit of gaslighting, bit more spray. General making my stomach churn, big spray right up front. Hopefully the mist from it will psychologically obscure him a bit too - bonus!

2012PP · 21/10/2016 22:15

I love fish finger, crisp and sausage sanwiches .

greencarbluecar · 21/10/2016 22:18

Mmm sausage sandwiches. With loads of ketchup. And egg sandwiches, as long as the yolks are lovely and runny.

I sound so healthy. I do like fruit, honest!

nicenewdusters · 21/10/2016 23:18

I only like fruit that has pastry or crumble on top, and custard/cream/ice cream on top of that.

Egg sandwiches and crisp sandwiches - food of the gods.

ohforfoxsake · 22/10/2016 00:45

I really want a fried egg and HP Sauce sandwich now. Must be white bread.

I did rather well with OLD, 18 months down the line with my one and only date 😊

PurpleThursday · 22/10/2016 01:06

Fish finger sandwiches may be the way through the WN shitstorm. They are fab. Don't diss them! Wink

Friends, I need your help:

What do I do next? Do I email WN and clarify the situation ? I.e DS doesn't want to come but excluding him from half term activities will be detrimental to him I think and he wants to try and participate soni am encouraging for his benefit ? Do I cc solicitors? Baring in mind court in 2/3 weeks. I'm feeling I need to have something in writing before contact tomorrow leading to the Half Term Disney day which could really go tits up. It would clarify in writing how hard I am trying to keep up contact etc. I feel like I am way out on a limb and heading for WW3 with this compulsive liar in court and I really need my genuine intentions to be seen in writing rather than twisted by him.

But am I continuing the circle of trying to reason with Narc? Trying to get him to see sense? Have feelings? Or am I being sensible covering my arse and proving clearly in writing my genuine efforts?

Sorry. Cannot see clearly and trust you guys as you completely know the deal.

2012PP · 22/10/2016 07:22

Hi PURPLE . No advice as I'm new to all this just wanted to say good morning .

My Ds is now supposed to go to X for the day today. He really doesn't want to . Has been crying about it this morning already.
Any advice on how to deal with that? What works/doesn't work etc... I'm scared to say anything to X (even though I'd love X to know Ds does not want to see them), in case it makes X behave differently towards Ds ...
I'm completely torn as my gut feels like im being a terrible mum making my child do something they don't want, putting him in horrible situation and upsetting him etc... And thinking that Ds needs contact with both his parents and not wanting to be the one who "stops" Ds seeing X . I'd hate for Ds not to have a relationship with X - if it's good/decent-. But narc's just don't do good/decent behaviour in a healthy way. So I'm probably twisting myself into knots for nothing!

Does anyone know that legally if at 4 years old children have any say in whether or not they have to spend time with X? I doubt it!

Anyway. Have a lovely day everyone.

FoofFighter · 22/10/2016 07:33

Nothing legally at this age no, can he "be ill" ? Just to buy some time?

My only weekend of the month with dd(3) and so stress free it's fab, usually stomach in knots all weekend. And we are away from home visiting family the opposite end of the country so no need to worry about bumping into him Grin