support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Be strong natsku. Be strong today. Then figure out tomorrow when it gets here.

I'm laughing at an exchange with Ex. I can see straight through it now. I couldnt before but I did momentarily have the heart beating moment when I read it

Dc go Eow Fri-Sun eve. Except lately because ex refused to take them to clubs. So recently it's been lunch Sat to Sun. And mostly DD refused to go.

DS has a sick bug. Been sick again this morning. I asked if Ex would have him from 10.30 so he doesn't have to sit through DD club.

Here's our exchange. Preceded with him asking if they are coming and me saying DS is sick tbc.

Me
Actually better if I drop Ds off at 10.30 and Dd at 13.00.
Thanks.

Ex
How is Ds feeling now?
We will not be in so you will have to drop DS with DD.

Me
Still sick.

Ex
Well he shouldn't be going out then. He should be in his bed at home. Not at DD club and no point dragging him from his bed there to his bed at mine if he's poorly. Miss club and let him rest.

Pmsl
What hideous manipulation to get his own way (no clubs) and at no stage actually caring that his DS is sick.
WankNarc.

Feel better now.

Oh Dung that's a corker !! So transparent. The only line of his exchange that actually matters to him is "we will not be in". As you say, no desire to have ds and look after him. No, just naughty Dung for dragging his poor sick son along to a club. Please tell your ds to use his dad's toothbrush to share the germs .

Ohfor. My ds is 9. He creeps into my bed at any opportunity, is always checking I'm around, he's like my shadow. I encourage him to be as independent as possible, but I also recognise why he's like this. I don't care what anybody else thinks, that he's too clingy or a mummy's boy. I know he's scared that I'll go to. So if that's what he needs right now, fine by me.

Oh, and enjoy your ringside seat of your ex, no guilt there. Hope he buys a pair of leather trousers and gets his ear pierced !

Natsku. That was quick work on behalf of the police and social services. Glad they're taking things so seriously. Do you believe your ex would actually come around?

frog - how are you?

Is it this weekend that you're going to the event that you booked the tickets for?

I'm not sure dusters he is unpredictable when he is more ill. I never guessed he would go on a burglary spree but he did, so even though I think normally he wouldn't try and come here, he very well might.

Wow, burglary spree ! You sound like you've got everything in place to protect yourselves, the authorities doing their jobs and a great OH.

The authorities are really great here, helps that the police can see from his record that he can be violent and aggressive, and the social workers know from these last few years dealing with him. He hasn't tried calling today so maybe something sunk in.

Hey everyone.
Gosh the stories are so sad and scary.
But So many brave women doing our best to bring up our kids amongst some serious sh.t.
Wow .
It's really good to read about how others cope and have managed .
It's really helping me.
My Ds is going to X tonight. Only 1 night and back tomorrow sometime supposed to be tea-time. He cried this morning when I told him & said he didn't want to go and then didn't want me to leave him at school - it was horrible.
I'm picking him up from school until X comes at 6.30-7 to collect. It's hard as Ds just gets relaxed at home before he has to go out again to something he doesn't want to do.
Sorry if I'm going on and on- it's just one in my day-real live really gets it. They see X as lovely and doing their bit and never saw how controlling, life narrowing person they are or how negative and destructive their behaviour is...

Hi can I join in too? Its like reading about my own life and seperation with my ex,( but now need to go pick up my little one from school).Charming to his work mates and everyone else until something happens then he unleashes his anger and sharp tongue, everything is all bout him. But by talking to like minded people and sharing stories and support we can become stronger I hope x

Welcome User1477... Yes, the sharing is massively helpful, such a relief to find people who get it.

2012PP - you are not "going on and on" at all, really. Like you say, it's rare to have people in day-to-day life who get how things are. Post away. Some of my posts are so long I think people must go and have their dinner half way through ! Hope your ds isn't too upset by going to his dad's tonight.

I mentioned earlier in the thread about my friend who has discovered her dp is having an affair. We're meeting up tonight. She'll have most of her kids with her, he'll be (kid free) in the next door venue drinking. I'm raging about that already. Just drove past their house. He was outside with the OW, laughing as they washed her car together. I gave him my best death stare, but he didn't recognise the Duster Mobile so it was wasted. Now I'm really raging.

He's basically having an affair in plain sight, and massively taking the piss out of my friend. I know she's worried about how and when to tell him to leave. Hopefully tonight I'll find out she's sorted all the things she needed to, and she's ready to kick him out. Can't believe the shameless cheek of the man. I don't want to interfere, but she approached me with the info and has asked my advice. I feel like she needs a nudge, but who am I to say what she should do? Horrible thing to say, but can't wait to see his smug face after she's told him she knows.

He's so insensitive, that when I happened to see him on Valentine's Day this year (first since the split) he said "Happy Valentines". I wanted to stuff the card on the mantelpiece (which my friend said she'd bought under duress) up his arse. Hopefully I can do that this year with his christmas card !!

Well. Didn't get to meet up with friend, as twat was an hour and a half late in picking up ds. Funnily enough that meant he could pick him up then collect dd from her activity, without going home in between.

Ds not fussed, just played with his friends. Twat was forced to text me to say when he would be here: I ignored it. I sat and texted my friend. We probably couldn't have discussed things anyway as all her dc were around.

Weirdly, not bothered. Ds not upset, didn't really affect my evening. In the past I would have fired off a sarcastic text. But through all I've learnt on here, there's just no point, no need.

Sorry to hear about the continued uselessness of everyone's narc ex. Yes 'narc away' repellent would help us all.

Dusters you sound really calm, are you trying 'medium chill' or similar to bore ex, so he switches control elsewhere?

I'm trying to do that so be good to hear if you are and it works. I'm trying low contact. Hide in house when kids leaving / arriving. Ask no questions hear no lies.

Evening.
I had my 1st chance to try out some of the coping techniques...
X supposed to have Ds 3.30 today (from school) - tomorrow 5pm.
I had a feeling there'd be no school pick up so I went along (this is the 1st friday it was to happen).
No show...
So Ds & I went to the park (like we would normally & I didn't say anything, neither did Ds).
Got home and Ds asked if he was going to X ? Normal Friday pick up time is 5.30-6pm.. This was at 6.30.
I text at 7 asking what time X was going to pick up ds.
30 mins later X Reply; 09.30 (tomorrow).
X - 2 mins later = I have a doubt now, is it tonight ?
Me-= no reply.... Just breathing and making myself relax...
X - Because i thought I put the right dates and time but maybe I missed something.
Me- no reply.
X = So let's be clear, for tomorrow, if i was supposed to take him tonight and was I supposed to bring him tomorrow afternoon?
When do you want me to bring him back then if I take him tomorrow?
Me= I'll get back to on that
X = I'm lost in that timetable! I'm supposed to take him 2 nights once a month and one night the other weekend. I took him on 7th-8th oct 2 nights then I've got the next on 4th-5th November.
What dates do you have then?
Me : no reply .
(We have a very clear email with every date / days hours/ pick up / drop off clearly listed)....

X had tried to change this weekend before as its half term and wanted to take Ds fri night 8pm - maybe - maybe not... - sat lunch time then again on Sunday night after 6pm to drop Ds at play scheme on Monday morning.... As X is away all half term so not seeing Ds at all.
Apparently I was being unreasonable for not allowing this.....& trying to stop X from seeing Ds!

Oh god what a fecking mess.

I wish I wish I wish I hadn't tried for co parenting and just let X leave... Ahhhhh

Ds is now suppose to see X 9-5 tomorrow (if it happens).

My stomach is churning so much at the thought of having to see X . I wanna scream like a mad fisher woman.

Thanks dusters . I hadn't seen your post 💐

dusters you sound so calm and it's great that you and DS aren't upset. He is a twat though, sorry you didn't get to see your friend.

I've failed on the do not engage. Mine is also fucking around with contact, acting like he is some kind of god in control of us all and I stupidly entered into an exchange about how this is not normal. He controlled the whole thing and I'm left with that awful frustrated powerless feeling. So I know I should have just disengaged, but but but...that awful feeling is sort of diluted. It's there but faded, and it didn't last long. I'm more irritated at myself for getting sucked in (did it for DC, of course). And glad I don't have to live with WankNarc.

So I've got a way to go but this thread is having a wonderful positive effect on progress

Strikes me as humorous that the rest of MN is having Friday night drunk threads....

And we're all here in our club reeling from Ex didn't fucking pick the kids up as planned night.

Oh green 💃🍸🍰 here you go ...
It's so hard isn't it ?!!!

2012 fantastic self-control. If it's all detailed, you've no need to explain anything to him. If ex chooses to be away the whole of half term, his choice, so his loss if your ds can't be wheeled out just to suit him.

Do you have to physically see ex tomorrow? Can your ds not walk out to him without you?

Lilac I do feel calm. I don't really know why. I think because I never look out the window anymore, never speak to him, have stopped texting, don't ask the kids anything more than basics, it's like he's floated away!

I think in my heart I've just accepted as well that I can't have what I want, him as a parent alongside me. I've also stopped worrying about trying to photo shop his image as a father to my dc. They know the score. I've also stopped seeing them as victims. I read about this recently on MN, had never thought about it before. Yes, what's happened is rubbish, but nobody died, life has carried on.

Maybe that's what it is, acceptance of what really is, not what we hope for. At the risk of sounding a bit flakey, I posted a while back about mindfulness. I mentioned then about my interest in Buddhism. I'm not a Buddhist, just find it very thought provoking and comforting. A lot is about trying to see things for what they really are, and really simplifying life. I was with a friend today who has a serious life-limiting illness. She's lived with it for years, and is the epitome of acceptance and graciousness. If she can live with that, and still drink, swear, laugh, gossip, then I can certainly live with my dollop of unfairness.

Dung 🍸🍷

Thanks dusters . Yes it's all clearly outlined and a reply email from X to say so. When i told Ds he wasn't going to X , Ds jumped up and down saying "yes yes yes" ... 😳
Here's a 🍸🍾 for you too.

I'm not going out, but on online dating. Having fun flirting with some online now. Ex may be narc, but I'm determined I'm not having him still control me. It's a great distraction may go and get a .

I still hope to have a normal, non-controlled relationship one day...can dream!

Ds is only 4 so leaving him to go out on his own is probably a bit mean of me. Especially as he's not that mean on actually going in the first place.i never would have had the resilience of calmness I did today if I'd not stumbled on this thread and all you lot... I can't thank you enough.

Me too 2012pp
This thread has opened my eyes!

Which online site Lilac? Any good? Have dabbled and deleted in the past.

Thanks 2012

Says it all that so many of our DC aren't even keen on going doesn't it.

I've tentatively tried taking the mindfulness approach since we first talked about it dusters. I need to look into it properly when I can find some quiet time (ha!) but I've started to get somewhere by putting the crap into a mental box to be dealt with at an appropriate time. It had been constantly on my mind and affecting me quite a lot, and that approach has really helped in reducing the impact on other parts of our lives. Like a metaphorical Narc Away spray

Hey, speak for yourself Dung !! It's rock "n" roll here at Duster Towers. I've had a fish finger sandwich and I'm drinking a diet Pepsi. In a minute I might go crazy and have a shortbread finger.

Beat that Friday Night Drinking Threads !!