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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

954 replies

Lilacpink40 · 18/10/2016 18:14

Hope this works...

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 10:25

I too loved your translation Frog, so accurate.

Chuckle - hope your son (and you) are feeling a bit brighter today. Maybe without realising it the air has been a bit tense in your home, due to the significance of yesterday's date. It's unavoidable. I've got a mega headache today, the one my body's obviously been putting on hold until today, my day off !!

Ohb - I think it was to you that some very good advice was given earlier in the thread, as to how to facilitate contact but remain neutral towards your ex. Don't let your ex make you feel you have to tread on egg shells around him. You're not together anymore, he has a new gf who has a dc. Your only link to him is your ds, your only concern is that contact is in your ds's best interests.

I would recommend you make all arrangements for contact in writing, email or text. He'll probably want to make it at times that fit into his new little family set up. However, your son is so young, he needs to keep his current routines as much as possible. Also, given his age and the gap of a year your ds won't even know who he is. He can't just come and take him out for the day. Are you going to take legal advice?

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 10:48

Ohb - just read your thread in Chat. God he's a nasty fucker isn't he. Now I understand the tone of your posts on here.

Like most of the previous posters on your thread said, I'd offer him the contact centre, as per your offer of last May. So he thinks they're for crackheads? Actually, they're for violent, drunken, aggressive bullies like him, so he'd feel right at home.

No more phone calls, you don't need to listen to all his vile abuse. And I wouldn't believe his "I've changed" for a moment. If he has changed, let him make good on his promise to do whatever it takes. So contact centre first, and he can take it from there.

I see you've contacted your solicitor again, who you say is great. Hopefully she'll point you in the right direction. Everything is on your side. He walked away from contact. He pays no maintenance (I know the two aren't connected). He didn't take up your offer of a contact centre. He is known to the police. You have copies of abusive texts and emails.

Please don't speak to him. He's gaslighting you, you're still wondering if you imagined things. You didn't. Hopefully he'll get bored of not being able to swoop in to your ds's life and be Disney Dad from day one. He wants it all on his terms, well, that's not going to happen. He'll probably throw a strop, threaten to take you to court, tell your ds what a terrible mother you are, blah, blah, blah. But he won't. He sounds lazy, ignorant and the kind of man who won't fight through the courts.

Ohb0llocks · 04/11/2016 13:20

Thanks dusters great advice, and everyone else who has posted! Yes he is a nasty fucker, very, and that is what I wish to protect my DS and myself from. He is expecting a call at. 1:30 to see if I have made any decisions. Planning on telling him I need more time. Emailed my solicitor earlier, however her assistant has emailed to let me know she is out of office until Monday and she will ask her to look at the email then.

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 14:37

Ohb Did you call him? Interesting to note your wording there, he is "expecting a call". He's absented himself from your ds's life for a year. He only contacted you yesterday. Today he wants to know if you have made a decision. Well, he can want all he likes. You get to move this at your pace, don't dance to his tune.

Again, I would advise against speaking to him. Unless you say come round tomorrow and take him for the day, I suspect you'll be insulted and threatened. A text or email along the lines of, I will get back to you in due course, not before the middle of next week, is I think fair.

What's he actually going to be able to do about it today? Nothing. Don't let him rant and rave at you.

Ohb0llocks · 04/11/2016 15:05

Told him I will be in touch next week when I have heard from my solicitor.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/11/2016 15:08

I'll bet 'I've changed' has a name, and he is trying impress her.

Ohb0llocks · 04/11/2016 15:28

Posted the below on my other thread but just to update you guys.

Another email from solicitors assistant. £200+vat for advice and a letter out to him. Fuck.

I have been receiving constant treatment from gps for anxiety/panic disorder due to him. Will that be enough evidence for legal aid?

Froginapan · 04/11/2016 15:46

Positive news: CAFCASS have recommended DC remain living with me.

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 15:51

Frog That's absolutely wonderful news, I am beyond pleased for you. Does this weigh things massively in your favour for the final outcome?

Ohb0llocks · 04/11/2016 15:55

Frog that's fab news!

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 16:13

Now you've told him Ohb don't feel you have to respond to any further communication from him. You don't know his motives so you don't know what his reaction will be. But you don't have to react at all. Stony silence would be best.

greencarbluecar · 04/11/2016 16:29

Frog that's amazing. Such positive news!

Oh and chuckle (((((hugs)))))

I'm finding it difficult today. I feel like my heart has been hit by a bus. There is background which is too outing to detail but it makes things harder for me and means I can't just see "new" man as a waste of space and move on. I just don't understand what I do to make this treatment of me, as if I'm nothing, acceptable.

WN told me nobody would ever treat me well. Seems he wasn't gaslighting me for once

Froginapan · 04/11/2016 16:35

Green

Have you had any kind of DV counselling or done the Freedom Programme?

Froginapan · 04/11/2016 16:37

Dusters - judges rarely go against CAFCASS recommendations, or so I'm told

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 16:44

Sorry it's a tough day greencar. Maybe your time with WN has left you with very low expectations? Perhaps therefore you, unwittingly, allowed yourself to get in to a relationship that was a bit one-sided, and where he felt he had the upper hand? If we don't value ourselves enough it's easy to be taken advantage of.

I've made a conscious decision to be single since my split, because I don't trust my judgement enough anymore. This will change, I'm sure, as I've already stepped away from a possible relationship where I could see myself crashing in the same car. Mr Heart Jump man is a challenge for me, because he seems normal, sorted and not in need of rescuing !

WN wasn't right. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. You just happen to have met somebody after him that wasn't right for you. And if he's hurt you, it's not acceptable, especially as he must know your past. So WN was wrong, and so is ex bf.

Ohb0llocks · 04/11/2016 16:44

He text saying his stepdaughter was talking to a picture of DS as she has missed him so much and can't wait to see him SadAngry

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 16:46

That's good Frog, you must be so relieved. You can hopefully really enjoy your holiday now.

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 16:55

Ohb - is his step daughter a member of MENSA?! So she's 4, hasn't seen your ds for a year, and only then for a few hours once a week. But apparently at 3 she had such strong recall and memories that now she can look at his photo and say she misses him?

Utter rubbish. I don't know if it's more annoying that he's so stupid to text such things, or that he's so stupid he thinks you'll believe him.

And so what? What is it to you whether or not his gf's daughter misses your ds? It's emotionally manipulative bullshit.

This is just the kind of reason you need not to communicate with him. Don't have this crap in your head. Block his number, only get back in touch - in writing - when you've heard from your solicitor.

Natsku · 04/11/2016 17:39

That's brilliant frog so happy for you!

Definite bollocks from your ex Ohb don't respond to him.

donners312 · 04/11/2016 17:46

cracking up at "i expect a phone call by 1pm"!!

Do you???

Honestly it is so laughable - but know it's not funny!

donners312 · 04/11/2016 17:49

and WRT 'he pays no maintenance but i know the two things are not connected"

I totally disagree - i think parents who pay no maintenance are essentially neglecting their child (unless there is a very good reason) so why should a neglectful parent see the child?

I also do try to accommodate my ex seeing the children but it is pretty impossible to sort due to his constant and crazy demands.

Natsku · 04/11/2016 18:52

I agree with that donners my ex pays no child support, doesn't contribute to medical bills or anything, that's neglect for sure. But he has money, which he has spent on a new swing for her which she'll never get to use because she's not allowed to go to his house - fucking delusional. I was very proud of her tonight though, she was talking to him, and he started talking about something he shouldn't (don't know what, didn't overhear it) and DD came up to me and said "Daddy's talking about things he's not allowed to talk about" so gave him a warning, he ignored, and I hung up and DD understood.

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2016 19:02

I think the maintenance/contact link was meant in the context that a father would not be denied contact on the basis of failing to pay maintenance. I agree that it is neglect, and that in fact the two should be linked.

Good to see your dd's reaction Natsku.

Ohb0llocks · 04/11/2016 20:13

Exactly dusters I was so bloody pissed off.

I am going to see my go on Mon to broach the subject of possible PTSD (not sure if I already said that sorry my heads all over!) but I don't really know where to start explaining the situation!

All I know is I want to keep DS safe and I will fight to the death of me to make sure he is.

greencarbluecar · 04/11/2016 20:51

oh I am also snorting in derision at him 'expecting a phone call'. Arrogant twat. Mine's like that though, so I do understand that rolling your eyes at him from the outside is very different to being on the receiving end. I agree with others that it's more than reasonable to wait until next week when you've spoken to the solicitor. If he kicks off, remember the fundamental truth that he is not reasonable, so him not liking it does not mean that you are wrong.

Natsku I felt a little twinge of pride then for your DD. Perhaps the silver lining in this is that, having got the measure of a WN from such an early age, she will be able to see straight through them in her other relationships, and not end up in a controlling one herself.

frog I'm on waiting lists for both, the one for counselling is long (I'm sure you know this). I have looked for alternatives but no joy. Local WA were offering support but it's gone due to cuts.

dusters you are, as ever, very wise. I can't trust my own judgement either. Almost-ex has had a hard time and I've made allowances for that. I can't tell if I'm allowing crap because I'm so used to being treated badly, or reacting badly because I'm super sensitive to it happening again. I can't tell what this is, or how I should react.

I do wonder if WN had a point and I'm just not deserving of proper love, or it wouldn't keep happening. I still don't believe his shit that I drove him to hitting me though, don't worry.

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