support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

That's a fascinating post Fidelia. As I was reading it I realised I'm a bit of a rescuer in every day life as well! I'd suspected it about relationships for some time, but hadn't really thought of friends/relations etc. I need to have a long hard look at why. I don't really have the emotional resources anymore to do it, and it detracts from my own life. Neither of my parents are/were rescuers.

Yesterday I took Dusters suggestion. I texted MIL (no way to contact ex) and told her that I will no longer see or speak to him at drop offs. He can let the kids in the house, come inside the hall and put their stuff in and then go.

I felt so much stronger until he came to drop off. He walked straight in the house and shouted "chuckle cheek I want the clothes for the weekend now". I had to engage as he hadn't asked for them and they were not ready. Plus we need the kids shoes for the week so why would I just give them him now. He refused to leave and kept shouting the kids will have no clothes at the weekend because of me.

I was going to drop them at his parents on Friday as they collect the kids from school and he picks them up from there.

After about five asks for him to leave I said I'd call the police. This was in front of my five year old. He then gave me DD school uniform which meant she had gone to her activity in other clothes. I asked if he had been in to get those clothes. He said it's my house I can come in when I want smirked and went.

Turns out he hadn't been in, he just insinuated to make me panic about what he been doing. And as I said to his mother he's been in and then had to say no he hadn't they have said I've lied. If I have lied about this I must be lying about other things.

Dusters can another member of his family help encourage him to sign the form - anyone who knows the car was yours?
Maybe the family secret could be ever so slightly hinted at if option above not practical?
Witholding access could upset DCs?

Homely yes my ex is officially at home, but spending time with GF (aka OW). The horrible message was prob sent so he could show her a message that he's angry with me delaying finances his solicitor caused months of delays I think really he's enjoying having two houses to pick from and no bills to pay . He sets contact to control me, and I feel his control, but my mum helps and he can't do anything to stop that

Fudge have you thought about the CSA? I've threatened that when a payment was delayed.

Reader I agree there are patterns with narc behaviour. Some of our patterns (experiences) overlap quite a lot!

Fid good point on stopping the role. I'm trying online dating and purposefully stopping writing to any 'poor me' lifestory men as I know I'd try to help. I would be better with a more emotionally secure man. My mum was a rescuer and my dad fluctuated between a victim and an aggressor role. She and I are happy she left him years ago. I see very little of him.

Chuckle do you think they 'need' to believe that you are lying as they desperately don't want him to be in the wrong?

Oh Chuckle that's f*ing outrageous. Brilliant that you texted his mum, that you asked him to leave and that you threatened to call the police.

As for you "lying" about him coming into the house. Er, just no. If somebody deliberately insinuates something, you have good reason to believe it, then you find out it was otherwise, you were mislead. Ignore.

How ridiculous that you have no way of contacting him. What if something happens when the dc are with him?

You've made the first bold step. I suspect he was always going to sabotage it, to show who's boss. How about something along the following lines to his mum:

Following my earlier text to you, it is clear that x is unable to respect my wishes as regards drop offs. From this point forward he can accompany them to the front of the house. Once he sees that I have opened the door he is to leave. It may be our shared property, but it is now my home with the children. I have the right to privacy and to live here without the threat of x entering and behaving inappropriately to me, and in front of the children.

I will not be discussing anything with him face to face. If he needs something from the house, or there are matters affecting the children, he will need to communicate with me via yourself.

Outrageous is what PD individuals do best, especially narcs.

Lilac - yes, withholding access not an option. I was being very hot headed earlier, I wouldn't do it to my dc (I'd do it to him though!!)

Your suggestion about asking a member of his family would normally be a sensible one. Unfortunately his family make the Munsters look like the perfect family, they'll be behind him telling him not to sign the form. The family skeletons will have to be my fall back position.

I've decided I'm going to bank the money, write to the insurers and copy it to the DVLA, giving them his contact details. I shall explain the position, and wait to see if I can keep the money. When it's clear only then will I buy a car. My fab parents have stepped into the breach with some temporary wheels - I'd be lost without them.

Your ex is a prize arse, Dusters.

Withholding access over something like a car is not an option, I would agree.

In the plus side, once you've sorted this it's another thing he cannot use to try to manipulate you. My ex took our famil car off us - within less than 24 hours I had a replacement and now it's all mine and he can cruise around in he new BMW posing as much as he bloody well wants to: I hope it fills the void for him.

Nodding along to lots of these posts as usual.

Sorry to have been quiet, shit has been hitting the fan a bit. Sol said not much can be done. Remember the new (but not so new, the one after WN) man who was being difficult? He's decided he'd rather see someone else who he just met. It wasn't a casual thing with us. How and why I pick these men is beyond me. I thought he was different. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough for OLD. For now, alone, and I can't have the hug I need so much.

Welcome new joiners, to all, hope forms get signed, court goes well and all WNs are quiet.

I want WN stain remover. Remove the marks on our psyches.

frog I think I know what the clue is that dusters suggested for your name change. I think that's a very good club to be in

You're spot on frog. That is the silver lining to all this. It will be my car, insured just for me, a fresh start. I agree about void filling. I've had a laugh with the Duster Mobile, and it's been fun. But I have felt like a bit of a nob driving it sometimes. Nothing will give me as much pleasure as driving my own car that's all down to me.

Greencar glad to see you back. So sorry about your relationship. I know you said you felt it was ending, but that doesn't make it any easier. Maybe just not the right time. As for the name change, did you mean Purple, not Frog?

Dusters good plan on sorting car.

Green sorry it didn't work with BF. OLD is ok if not taken too seriously during initial communication (thread on MN for dating is useful)

dusters Yes I did, ugh so tired. Meant to say nice to see frog looking so much better, looks like the two sentences merged!

I'm annoyed at myself for being taken in, again. I am worth so little that one meeting is enough to decide I'm expendable. He was a friend or so I thought but I feel rather used, it's very hurtful.

Thanks lilac, some human adult communication would be a good start. I'm nervous of the whole thing though!

Well the police came tonight. I have to say the PC was amazing. I'll type on my laptop tomo some details as not easy on phone when I want to get the info right. And it will have had time to settle and I'll be able to make sense of it all. Sorry to be disappointing!!

So my date !
Well thank goodness I fancy him. I really liked him on text and phone. And sexy and handsome in the flesh. 2nd date booked.

I'm using PrimaLoves because I got a month free. Can't remember how tho. It's older. Mostly men in their 50's but I found one in his 40's. !

Date man was using Telegraph. I know the provider is the same, the same company provide a platform to different brands and they use the same pool of people..... in some way.

So CountryLoving, Telegraph, Guardian, Prima are all the same platform. Probably more though. So don't pay more than once to them.

This particular man has been sensible and grown up from the start. So polite message. More polite. Rapport builds. Absolutely nothing sleazy. After maybe a week suggested a phone call and swapping numbers.
More rapport and figure out a date.
It's been grown up and calm.

I personally think that is the correct way to do OLD. If they don't fit this scenario, then ignore and bin.

I can't figure out the name change convo. Someone jog me on when necessary?

I will have to get ex signature on things. And it's making me very anxious just thinking about it.

Anyway. Got to sleep and hopefully after the police I may actually be able to sleep! Been weeks now.

Dung I like your process.

I'm currently writing to an engineer, GP, Optometrist, two nurses, a dentist and a social worker. I've found aiming for educated men means I get a better response than sleeze. I'm due to meet three of them soon.

I'm on an elite site but half of them are on POF, so free sites appear to be ok too.

Glad the police were good dung

Just another wanker green you can do better

Hope your car gets sorted out soon duster I know I'd be tempted to withhold contact but you're right, its not the right thing to do. Tempting though...

Another lovely conversation with ex who can't get it through his thick head that my lawyer is not allowed to contact him directly because there are rules against that. Told him she can only do that if he decides to represent himself and I highly recommend he doesn't but I'm starting to think he might choose to do that. If so the whole thing will become even more absurd (and to be honest, somewhat amusing).

I am definitely going for sole custody. I don't ever want to have to get ex's agreement/signature on anything again. He always refuses just to piss me off even when its something as important as medical care for DD (he refused her seeing a therapist after a traumatic experience, how fucked up is that?!) and I think one of the first things I'll do is change her surname to mine, she wants it, I want it, and I don't want her associated with his family forever (very rare surname)

God Natsku sole custody sounds like a necessity, withholding therapy? WTF?

A wanker but one I'm emotionally linked to unfortunately part of me wants to tell him to get right out of my life and another part is hoping he's simply having a bit of a crisis and will stop being so ridiculous. Leaning towards the first one right now but no doubt at 2 am it'll be the second...

Oh, am I being a rescuer again? There's a lot between us but should I be running away now before I become another man's fixer? He isn't at all like WN?

In fact WN is the reason I can't trust my own judgement. I'm imagining spraying him with WN bang bang

Sole custody sounds like the only sane option, Natsku. I have that with my eldest - and yet I still manage to allow exH to bully me even though at the end of the day he actually has no teeth what-so-ever.

WN bang bang is an interesting metaphor for what we all go through
And the dirt is dead.

I think we need to apply WN BB to everything they say/ text/ email
Absolutely everything. Point those nozzles ladies and squeeze those triggers.

Never mind a trigger nozzle dung I think I need a pressure hose!

Just scrolled back and saw your date went well, that's great news! Keep us updated on the second one.

Green pressure hose - now there's an idea I'm enjoying imagining. Every time the negative comments start it could automatically be triggered 😂

You guys are cracking me up!

*Gosh I wish I could go back and rescue myself though. I was a sitting duck.

Re: red flags. Narc is a pattern of behaviour so we simply don't see it all in it horrific entirety at first. I think of it as a pattern of mosaics. Just a few don't make sense, but when you see the whole lot, you see the pattern*

I really like these 2 points, reader. Yes, let's turn our rescuing instincts on ourselves. They're good instincts once you don't allow others to make use of them for their own ends.