support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Thanks dusters.

It's a mix of things that get you to the point of having enough.
I will of course keep the thread updated of my police activity, I'm sure it will be useful to others.

I just can't fathom anymore whether it is or it isn't abusive. I'm London so this will go through Met, hoping they will be quite expert, especially with the nuances of emotional and financial abuse.

All I know is I can't keep on the same loop.

Date man is such a bright spot in the crap of it all. I've dated a fair bit in the last three years. This is far more 'right' from an early stage.
Fingers crossed.

Ooo great news about the date dung

Wipe a Wank Narc

Oh reader that must be so tough having two of your children in a different country :( And so cruel that your son couldn't receive what you sent him - what kind of wank narc refuses gifts for their child?!

We're all rooting for you purple understandable if you don't have the energy for anything else but your children and court right now but just remember we're here if you need to offload and we're thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Keep strong, you can do this.

Great news on the date DUNG. Hope it continues to be a good one.
Did you use OLD site? If so, which one would you suggest? I'm on one (you have to pay a subscription (which I've since cancelled) as I only had one reply who seemed OK initially - worked regularly/saw his kids regularly/similar ish interested etc...sent a few messages, then he just disappeared .. Perhaps it's way too soon but it's not helping my confidence anyhow!

PURPLE . Thinking of you loads and wishing you good luck and virtual "wipe a wank-narc" "w/n spray" 🙂.

READER: hello & welcome. Loads of support & advice here and also some laughs - which I find incredibly supportive too. I can't imagine how it must be for you. Sending 💐.

NAK: like your OH said; think dealing with the w/n is a bit like dealing with a petulant child - & a lot of people don't believe it - as its so very hard to actually believe that someone can - and does - behave in these ways - unless- like us - you are exposed to their cruelty & have the complete misfortune to be on the receiving end of the crap behaviour.
My ds does the same thing with the phone- refuses to speak to X. Now, most of the time I don't bother answering the call or send a text reply "can't talk right now" or something similar .

DUSTERS: I've just seen your post about seeing your X as two people. The nice one you met & the nasty one they turned into . And how you ignore the red flag... As horrible as it is, it's been a great relief to read that, as I was struggling - a bit like FROG - to understand- come to terms with- what happened!

I'm confused about how I could have fallen for someone so cold, vindictive and controlling and downright horrible?
But I didn't- X showed a loveable, funny, kind, warm, generous side- but the bloody red flags were there- everywhere-
why did I ignore them?????? Then go on to have a child in that mess?.. I know it's all in hindsight- but I just so angry about it.
I guess I'm angry that I've been played, lied to and now completely lost as to to what really was "real", and what was the w/n ACT... I have no idea.

After reading a bit more about things, I also think X was "gas-lighting" me the whole time . X would tell me about things then when I brought it up later on - X would completely blatantly deny any knowledge of said take/conversation and make out I was making it all up😳.
plus X would said they'd do something... Ie pay gas bill, then it wouldn't get done so I'd ask why and X would say that we'd talked about it & I said I'd do it & argue the fact until I gave up & just paid it!
I've been remembering so many times it happened that it's making me a bit dizzy.
I can't believe I've been so foolish!
I was a strong, confident woman and I've been picked up, swung around and used to wash the floor wish and dumped in a heap .
I want her back!

Purple - I'm right there with you. It's all so unnecessary but unfortunately you are battling with someone who isn't normal and must win at all costs - it's soul destroying. Keep hanging in there. Can you make a box for him labelled WN and put him in there, metaphorically speaking, and only take him out at certain times? It's bloody hard.

2012 - it's so hard to stop the ruminating, especially if you are hard wired to blame yourself.

Dung - from what I've read if you are frequently going over things and worrying whether you're right or wrong it generally isn't you that it the problem.

2012 the used, dirty cloth feeling - I know it well. Time to wash and wring ourselves out and let the grime go. 'Clean away the narc' soap anyone?

In the dating game there seem to be men whom also have that feeling and have been lied to. Also men whom have chosen to have a break following relationshops to reflect on what went wrong. That gives me hope. Dung fingers crossed for you your date is one of these.

Frog you sound like a stronger, happier person again, like you're seeing ex as the problem

I thought the same as Lilac, you seem more like your previous self Frog great stuff.

Have been thinking about your post 2012. I'm sure there are loads of reasons why an individual would ignore red flags. I wonder if part of it is because women who are attracted to men like this are often rescuers, usually without knowing it. I've done some training in a therapeutic area, part of which involves a great deal of self-examination. I was explaining something to the group, and my tutor said "You just can't rescue him, can you?" It literally took my breath away, and I was very tearful - because I knew it was true.

It's a hard thing to accept. But actually it's not something to berate yourself for. In retrospect I think it's actually quite amazing, that you love someone, despite their (obvious?) flaws, and you hope/feel you can help change those parts of them that make life more difficult. It's not something I would now ever choose to do, and I am very conscious of avoiding it in any possible future relationships.

I was completely a rescuer, nice.

While trying to make things better, I suggested to him that we each say something nice about the other. All he could manage for me was "You do some good things for me". He never saw me a real person at all - never liked the way I laughed (unless at his joke), never wondered what I'd think about something, never even saw any of the qualities that make me who I am. That's why I think the narcissist label applies - he couldn't actually see me, as if I was permanently hidden behind a projector screen that only showed the images projected from his own head.

Dusters and Bib yes we were rescuers, but we were set-up in that role by narcs playing the victim. It's often in a triangle. For me exMIL was the persecuter, the one dominating our lives. He became her very willing victim (e.g. had to live at home as long as possible because she said he needed her). Then I came along and he needed me to partner and rescue parent him. His new victim GF is now his partner/parent rescuer. She'll think she's saving him from me.

You'll all be proud of me. I had a text from ex saying horrible things (blame-game) with practical things (childcare). I edited it and text it back just with the practical things. Then I replied as though he'd been reasonable. I know inside he'll feel rage that I can ignore him and I love it!

Well done, Lilac!

oh DUSTERS - that is so so so true -
harsh - and very hard to read but very very true.
I initially wanted to reply "i don't do that!" and get annoyed and irritated by it... [shocked]
then i re-read it and wondered why I was so frustrated...
because I actually do.
I've had to read it over and over to remind myself of this so as I DO NOT do it again.
THANKS DUSTERS .
I'm going to remind myself of this every time I have any dealings with X and stop myself.

LILAC ; 'Clean away the narc' soap - yes please - a fresh, clean, new start.

it really sounds like everyone on this thread so deserves that.

well done on the text LiLAC

I'm a bit gobsmacked that so many of us recognise ourselves as rescuers. I did think my post might be a bit annoying 2012, thought perhaps I was projecting. The first person I felt myself attracted to after my ex may as well have had "Rescue Me" on his forehead ! I thought about what my parents would think of him - and realised I was doing it - again !! I stepped away pretty damn quickly.

Biblio - I was nodding along to your text, lots of parallels there for me.

Your first paragraph Lilac, that actually made me feel slightly sick. I could literally have typed that myself . The text sounds ace.

Can I ask for some advice?

As some of you know, twat is refusing to sign a form. If he doesn't it makes my life, and the dcs, much harder. We weren't married, so no divorce, no courts involved, we agreed on when he'd see the dc. I've never withheld them, often offered more contact, always been flexible. I'm seriously considering telling him that unless he signs the form he can't see them.

My main consideration is if he called the police would they/could they get involved?

If he went to a solicitor what could they do?

Finally, it's something I said I'd never do, so am I bang out of order to even be considering it? Don't spare my blushes, I'm so cross today I know I can't think straight.

So many hugs to you reader.

Lilac.... my goodness, similar story here.mt exMIL was the same and the root of issues, though of course, ex was not great to me and was his mum's puppet. Does your ex still live at home? What do you do re child contact and how does it make you feel?

Hope everyone is managing.

I feel like ex provides a constant stress in life.... I don't know how to make it go away... how do I find peace?

Sorry only on this forum now. What is the form to be signed duster? I don't know what it is, but I do know that my Ex just loves a good fight. If I said to him I withheld contact with his daughter it would be held against me forever... so be careful!

Oh HOMELY I really don't know how you find peace. Although I am definitely a lot more 'protected' than years before. I kept thinking that if I did the right things i.e. Always made access smooth and easy, it would be fine. But it never, ever was.

I now just don't respond to most contact from him, unless it is practical e.g. Time of drop offs. I just keep everything very, very minimal.

nice, I wouldn't go down that path, simply because by threatening to withhold the dcs, you're giving him ammunition, and he'll use it against you forever afterwards, in completely different contexts.

Have you any other leverage? Any other way of persuading him that signing is good for him as well as for you?

Hi Fudge. It's very boring. Car related, lack of a signature means certain monies may have to be returned to the insurer, which severely impacts on me. My ex also loves a fight, so with this in mind I am certainly very cautious. I also do the absolute minimum as regards contact -keeps me sane!

Car related - it does sound like a pain, however if it were my Ex I'd just write it off. But I'm not sure whether that is good advice. I thought just taking a financial hit for some peace was worth it, but I never got that peace!

I don't know if this is true of others, but things like DUSTER you've described, where the Ex refuses to do something, or they send nasty texts, there is a lot of PROVOCATION. Sorry to use capitals!

It's just that I still find myself in a position where I get upset/mad/angry about Ex - and increasingly I've been trying to stand back. Why am I so upset? Why so mad? It is because it suits my EX to have this continuing, never ending engagement.

I had a missed maintenance payment recently, no court order unfortunately. I did nothing. I know that sounds weak. Everyone was saying - contact him! But why? He is not going to pay me this. He is not going to make it right. He is not a reasonable person. All that would happen is that he would use it for another 'fight' which I really don't need.

So I was faced with a decision - make these payments more legal/formal or don't engage. And put my energy into my own life.

I know you're right Biblio. I don't have any other financial leverage. I sold my car so that we'd only have one family car, it's all we needed. The car could just as well have been in my name, but you never think the future will be like this. On paper it's "his", but it just wasn't like that.

The only other leverage I have is to threaten to blow the gaff on his family's dirty little secrets, but I don't want to sink to that level. I have no regard whatsoever for what his family would think of me if I did, absolutely none. It's more how I'd feel about myself, and possibly upsetting the dc.

Trouble is, I can't ask my insurers as that'll tip them off. I think I'll have a look at the DVLA website.

I totally get the not engaging Fudge. That's what makes this kind of situation even more annoying - I don't want to have to think about or deal with him. He's made a big thing of you didn't want me, so I'm gone, and there's nothing between us. Ok twat, so sign the form and disappear off into your self imposed exile. But as you say they like to continue to twist the knife.

If it was a smaller amount of money I would write it off, but just now I can't.

Well, just seen that there's a £1000 fine if you don't notify the DVLA ! Great news if they fine Twat, not so good if they come for me .

Well done Lilac and thanks for all the hugs.

I was definitely a rescuer. Not any bloody more. But I was also very young when I got with ex and can see now that he targets vulnerable people. Gosh I wish I could go back and rescue myself though. I was a sitting duck.

Re: red flags. Narc is a pattern of behaviour so we simply don't see it all in it horrific entirety at first. I think of it as a pattern of mosaics. Just a few don't make sense, but when you see the whole lot, you see the pattern.