support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

I suppose it's time to actually join in :(

I have struggled with accepting that it isn't actually me, I haven't caused all this and I didn't turn him in to what he has become. Or rather what he is showing more readily.

How do you cope with hand over? After starting counselling I've realised it's causing me to have panic attacks, he will only give me hand over to discuss any issues with the children/house/divorce and if he doesn't agree he simply walks off or shouts.

I've said umpteen times it's not a suitable place, it's on my doors yep, the children can here, I'm panicked as he stand over me threatening to come in to the house. I don't want to do it.

Haha teabay that's familiar. But he's just so saaaaddd, he's gutted, he's so MISERABLE. Yeah right. And on the slim chance he really is, maybe he should have tried not being a violent abusive controlling lying cheating dick then?

I think you have it, this also came from people who'd have had to look too closely for comfort at themselves if they'd acknowledged his wrongdoing.

Am rethinking mutual friends (ex friends) and their motives now. interesting stuff.

hello chuckle. I don't think I can advise on handover as I have a very similar situation and am still working it out myself, I'd hate to tell you something I'm not sure is the right way to go. But wanted to welcome you anyway!

There are some wonderful wise and supportive women here, you're in the right place.

2012 the knotted stomach feeling . So glad you've had a break from it for a little while at least though.

Thank you green, I actually asked DM to come over for the last handover as I new I couldn't keep calm. The same day I'd found out he has lost the consent order that was sent to his solicitors by registered post eight weeks ago. His response is 'I've signed it so stop causing a delay'. I don't believe him, I've had to chase and chase and chase through my solicitor. Because of the delay my mortgage offer has elapsed and I have to pay to start all over again. This will be he third time. It will never end.

It never ends. His family believe everything he says even though he is living with other woman. I'm so hurt. We'd been together over twenty years and in one minute I lost half my family because they believe him and not me.

They can't understand why I get upset and angry and their attempts at keeping things normal. It's not normal. I shouldn't be having to explain to my nine year old DD why her dad is trying to blackmail me to sell the house and agree to his Xmas holiday demands.

Again all this is shouted on the doorstep for her to hear.

Chuckle, have you guys had mediation or anything? This is where I was finally able to bring it up that handovers should be short and sweet and anything that needs discussing is done out of earshot of kids (if face to face is still agreeable, for me no) or via emails/texts/letter/solicitor. He couldn't really disagree and if he now starts to say I need to talk about xyz I let him go on sometimes, or not, and say email me. He refuses to email and wants to text it all or do it verbally on the spot, I refuse and will continue emailing him despite no replies, I know he sees them as he slipped up once and said something about one ;)

So yes, get the kids in the door as fast as possible, goodbye, shut door.

Police if he barges his way in/threatens

Thanks green.
I keep hand over v. short now . Last time I didn't even let X into the flat. I did it in communal area so if there were any fallout, everyone would hear..: and of course there weren't!
It's been nice to have a break from the knot-in-the-stomach feeling I only realised that I live with - almost- constantly .
Welcome chuckle. Some great support here- and advice and hand holding and just knowing.reading that you're not alone support here.
such a blasted shame so many wonderful women needing it tho.

Welcome chuckle. That's good advice about mediation if all possible. We didn't get all agreed by a long shot but it was agreed to not discuss anything in front of the children (didn't stop him trying for a while) and to send an Email immediately afterwards should there be anything to report. I now don't even see him. - send them out to him when he arrives and when I pick up from his I stay in the car outside. It helps me an awful lot. I feel sick when I see him.

He refuses mediation on the grounds I'm not ready for it!

I never see him at collection as he col cts from school but at drop offs he knocks on the door.

Has your solicitor requested he attend mediation with you?

I think he has no grounds to say that YOU'RE not ready! Particularly if you are requesting it !

He won't look good officially refusing to go so it may be worth trying?

He has been asked to go by out DS keyworker (school) as she agrees that how he parents (separately and against medical and professional advice) is having a negative effect of DS behaviour at school. I have asked him personally as has my solicitor.

He seems to think I just want to see and speak to him and I want him back.

I wish he had died. We could of grieved who I thought he was and not have to deal with who he is. I hate it when people say don't worry the kids will realise one day. That's no consolation, that one day they will realise their dad is a selfish, manipulative man child who believes if he is happy everyone else should be. And if he isn't we should make out main aim in life to make him happy.

I hate what he has done to me, the few people that know what he did and still does can't believe that someone they saw as so strong can act like I do now. He panics me, I can't think straight. I still lie here at night thinking it's all my fault.

I feel so weak, I deal with victims in my job and can't believe how I've become one. I should of known better.

I'm so angry that I stayed and subjected the kids to him. They are happier now he is out of the house. So am I. He is a better Disney dad than a full time dad. But in the same breath I resent all of the day to day drudgery and responsility.

Sorry for the rant.

Yes greencar, they're back. Both fine, a little subdued. They seem to have enjoyed their weekend away, but I find it takes a couple of hours for the spark to come back. He's become such a joyless arse. Lots of comments already that reinforce the fact he's unable to be flexible and enter into a child's world. He can be fun, I know that, and I know they do have good times with him. But I don't think they relax with him.

Welcome aboard the crazy train Chuckle. Feel free to use a derogatory name for your ex! I favour Twat, as you'll see there's also WN (wanknarc), twuntface, plus many others. I find it takes the sting out to refer to him in this way.

Handovers. My situation is that a few weeks after we split, following him becoming argumentative in the house, I texted him and told him never to approach me again, to speak to me or phone me. I said he could pick the dc up from outside the house. When he collects the dc he waits outside in his car, the dc go to him. When I hear his car coming back I leave the door ajar, I don't even stand there, don't want to see him. We only communicate via text.

If he ever came to the door, or started trying to speak to me face to face, I'd tell him to f**k off and close the door. Simple messages about timings etc are relayed via our dd. It makes co-parenting impossible, but I actually don't need him for that really. It has removed a huge potential source of stress.

I'm so sorry that his family have let you down. They're probably ashamed of him really, but don't want to admit that (most of all to themselves). But it's another loss for you, and it's not fair.

As regards comments about friends staying friends/being sympathetic to our exes. My dear friend said for about the hundreth time last night "I'm sure dh wouldn't be like that if we split up" I just raised my eyebrows and looked at her. I said "Everybody says that, including me, but how do you know, you don't." She looked a bit , looked over at her dh, and said yes, I don't know. Hallelujah !!

I think the point about self-examination is spot on. If we've left these men for certain reasons, what if you can see some of those reasons in your own relationship?

Rant away Chuckle, your post makes perfect sense. He sounds like one screwed up damaged individual. And I agree, it's no consolation that your/my dc will learn their fathers are flawed characters. But at least it's not up to you to hide their dirty little secret.

How dare he say you're not ready for mediation. Make an appointment. If he misses it and you're sitting there waiting then who looks the fool.

As for when he knocks on the door. Open it enough for the dc to enter then shut it. If you don't feel you can do that on your own can you have somebody else there the first time you do it? He's nothing but a playground bully. If you stand up to him is he likely to be physically aggressive?

Chuckle unload all you want. We completely understand.

Try not to beat yourself up about things though, your DCs need a strong healthy mum. You've made the move now, you can't undo the past but you now have 2 hands firmly on the wheel driving towards a better future. You can do it. In some ways the worst is over, you'll never have to physically be close to him again. There will definitely be bad days - as well as good. But we're all here. - As green so nicely put it, we are all connected here. Your resolve will get stronger, you will get your confidence back. One day at a time when things feel overwhelming

Hi Chuckle I felt like this for months after ex left..."I wish he had died. We could of grieved who I thought he was and not have to deal with who he is."

A friend who'd lost her husband through cancer years before said she felt more for me as her DCs could always miss a good man but feel pride, rather than having the disappointment of a bad one still being unhelpful (she meant that to be supportive as she knew how ground-down I felt, neither situation is ok really).

I have now decided to hide from pick ups / drop offs. Like you green I'm the juiciest target so keeping away really is the best option. Dusters, Foof and purple I did similar approach to you... DCs accepted this morning me calling "bye" from upstairs and that the door was open at drop off time but I was in other room.
Avoid, avoid, avoid

Still had twisted feeling you've mentioned 2012.

Anyone else's ex trying the out-do game?
I put up a few halloween decs, some made by DCs, as we always used to have little family party here and DCs wanted it. Ex and family have spent serious money (which of course they don't have as they tell DCs I have it all) on halloween decs that move, light up and talk. Then fireworks. My eldest came back with film to show me how many rooms were decorated. I'm glad they enjoyed it, but they're not there now until later next week - so possibly over £200 on one afternoon??

Sorry have not read thread but so frustrated with ex who claims i prevent him.seeing dc..... yet today without notice brings dc back 3 hours early !! ( vent over!)

Ah I do like having our little network of support, its such a help.

Chuckle Handovers can be hell. Key thing is don't let him in your house, get the children in and then shut the door no matter if he's still talking. Or maybe do the handover in a public place where you can get the children into the car and leave straight away? When our handovers were at their worst I arranged for social workers to supervise the handover so they stopped him from talking about anything he shouldn't.

Dusters _ I find it takes Ds a while to "get his spark back" after his visit to X. He's always extra / super cuddly and my shadow initially- then a few hours later the frustration sets in & there can be temper and tears over the tiniest things 😳.
I was speaking to a (new-ish) friend yesterday (after reading this thread it spurred me to explain things more to her). And she was so supportive. It was a breath of fresh air . She offered that sometimes We could do hand overs at hers ! X to drops off there & I go a few minutes later to pick up! It was such a lovely offer.

Does anyone else get "the silent" treatment from their X??? (apologies if you've already said &'I've missed it).???
People have mentioned about emailing/text. I do this now as if we had a conversation about arrangements, X would blatantly claim to know absolutely nothing about it, "no we didn't talk about it". So I started writing it . Although 90% of the time there is no reply. Zero- nothing- no acknowledgment or anything.
When there is, it usually goes into long rambling tangents about something else - completely irrelevant to initial point!
Also - we don't have broadband at the moment- initial deal with X is that X would pay for it as part of child maintenance deal. A month or so ago X emailed to say "I can't afford xyz so I've stopped it as of today"! Wtf. No warning . No conversation. So it's been shit . New contract starts in Nov!
X has been texting lots asking to do FaceTime with Ds! Why am I stopping X from doing this?? Blah blah blah blah .... If I had wifi - you could do it . I don't have wifi at home= so no blasted f/t!
I didn't cancel the flecking broadband. I certainly not paying for to use my mobile data for you - you feck-Witt -
(AND BREATH- and breath) - rant over .
Thanks for that !

I'' not back to myself at all I'm afraid. I spent most of yesterday crying and today I've already started.

It's been nearly two years now of breaking my heart wondering where the man I met went.

I swing between blaming myself (if I hadn't got depressed, if I hadn't got insomnia, if I hadn't called the police etc etc.) and seeing all the red flags that were there and got worse as time went on.

I just want the man I met to come back. Calling the police was my last desperate attempt to try to rescue things - I had hoped it would have shocked him into seeing how awful his behaviour had become. Alas it had the opposite effect. He never loved me - and I love the man he managed to convince me he was for so long so very, very much.

Frog I'm off to work now, will post later, not that I can say anything helpful I know. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Oh Frog I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you the tightest hug as I know that's what I miss. Someone there, real to say you're doing great. It's not you.

Every year I take the kids to a Halloween party at a small garden centre near us. Cockwomble (dusters you're right it does help) was never interested in coming as he needed his rest and me time - now translated to other woman time).

He took them to an all singing all dancing Halloween party before puta. When we went it was under knew management. We got our money back (as did everyone) and left early. I failed and it also angers me I feel like I failed and it's some competition.

My DD is amazing. She has told everyone we have been to the best worst Halloween party ever as I apologised for it not being as good. Sometimes it takes a nine year old to remind me what it's all about.

They have both been super clingy since they got back. I hate seeing a once super confident child be embarrassed wearing her Halloween costume because her dad told her she looked daft in the one I got her.

Oh frog wish I could make you feel better.

That's really nice of your friend 2012 that will be a good help.
I was paying for ex's Internet for a long time because he refused to give me the 3G dongle, eventually I reported it as stolen but I still had to pay for it until the contract ended.

Frog I know it's not for everyone, but as the GP hasn't sorted help yet (I believe), have you thought of looking at mindfulness videos on YouTube?

It's about acceptance, distancing, awareness of being you and appreciating just being you. It may not help, but I find it helps me and I'd like to share the idea.

I have very brief "oh god I really wanted to be with him" moments, but then I remember his horridness and it passes. I hope it goes that way for you. Is there anything he's doing / saying that is keeping you wanting him back?

Chuckle I want to verbally slap your ex for embarassing your DD. Young DCs worry how they look and making her feel bad will be detrimental for her self esteem. How mean of him. Tell her she looks great