support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Dusters good to hear you have had a night out and feel you have re-connected with friends.

I was supposed to go to a party tonight (DC's with WN) but it was all families, kids and marrieds. I couldn't bear it. I feel I'm losing the connection with all my 'friends'. Stayed in and cleaned the fish tank out instead (it smelt bad)

Its so good to have you lot to talk to, we're quite the nice little gang. Imagine how our ex's would feel if they had to face all of us at once!

Just awoken from an emergency sofa snooze, clocks go back tonight, no kids, so thought I'd check the thread!

Natsku, I love the nice little gang description, I feel the same. I don't think it would be safe for all of us to be in the same room at once. The combined level of hormones, anti WN feelings, energy and sheer force of personality may well cause some sort of chemical reaction

I second Lilac's suggestion as to what to do with your phone in relation to your ex! I love his "a normal person" comment to you! Yeah, right, you've spent your Saturday night obsessively harassing two other adults, Mr Normal. You couldn't make it up.

OhFor I see what you mean now about organising things around him. I don't know what the answer is, as you say, he knows you'll put the DC first. It's a shame they don't realise that's a quality, not something to be used against people.

Glad to see you've got 2 dates coming up this week Lilac. Make sure you eat first, preferably at least 2 courses, and a sandwich for your handbag. Then, if you get Mr Egg on Toast again at least you're only a bit bored and not hungry

I did enjoy my night Purple, and it was a similar set up to yours. I've stepped away in the past, for similar reasons to you. But as you've mentioned before, I know the reality of lots of the relationships. Some are very strong and healthy, but others I know involve a lot of compromise.

My stance now is to do the whole outfit/hair/make up bit, wherever we're going, and enjoy my singledom. I arrive when I want, go when I want, no conversations about "well, of course I wanted to do x but x was watching the match so we had to wait till that was finished."

I think I've been very angry and defensive but tonight I decided I wanted to let that all go. And it made everything so different. I think I felt a bit of a failure before, but I'm not, none of us on this thread are. Just mainly bloody unlucky, and I'm not going to be defined by that. There will be times again when I feel a bit "off" in the group, I know that. But they're only all doing their best in their lives, as am I.

Morning all.

Morning Frog. How are you today?

Morning Frog and Fox

Hope you're both ok? I'm just catching up with the thread ....

Purple - losing some of the friendships that I did when we split was really hard. I'd spoken to a friend when I thought xh was having an affair and she kept seeing the best in him. She did apologise when the affair actually was admitted to but things were never the same. We used to do Sunday lunches at each other's houses and when we split they still invited xh and the kids but never me and the kids on my weekends. She always wants to chat but when I never got invited out with 'the girls (grow up ones)' as I did before I stopped making contact anymore. It was really upsetting but I've become a bit ruthless since xh and don't have time for crap friends.

Lmao about the sandwich advice Lilac brilliant!!

lilac my eldest doesn't really like my ex's current gf. We had a giggle over the fact that she is closer in age to my son than my ex! Sadly my ex has had 7/8 gf's since we split - average of 1/year which isn't so bad but he can't see that the kids get attached to them - there's one they kept talking about for years after she's left him. As long as the kids are happy and cared for it's ok with me (and thankfully latest one is hardly ever around).
What I find entertaining though is that I know every gf the ex has had has eventually got the measure of him and gone. Some of them have even contacted me when they have got out the other side - quite enlightening to find out what he's told them about me. Still, it proves that he'll never change and reinforces the 'it's him not me' thing.

purple quite agree with your stating the facts rather than making excuses. I got blamed by the kids for several things (moving house, school etc) and just used to say 'well things have changed blah blah blah'. Then after one round of 'blame mum for everything' I changed tack and calmly explained that ex had made some silly mistakes and had told a lot of lies to a lot of people so I had had no choice in moving etc and had made the best decisions that I could do at the time. It was done in a not-slagging- off way just factual and took a whole pile of stress off me. I may have had a rather large after that conversation!

nicenewdusters I did laugh at the endearment Mr Twat of Twatsville - do hope the car gets sorted tho :(

frog how are you doing now? I'm East M if that's any use?

stripy bloody hell - what an absolute fcukwit. How can he be allowed to just change from 1/6 to 50/50 like that

I agree with staring the facts. I think the DCs appreciate it when the facts aren't embellished with pain and hurt.
My take on it is of the DCs ask I will be honest (without slagging him off). The 'we don't love each other anymore' did the job when we (I) told them we were splitting up. It was the kindest way. (I would love them to ask, I admit.) the truth would hurt them too much, and so he gets away with it. If that makes me sound bitter it is because I am.

I refuse to enter into the emotional manipulation that he does.

And yes Dusters "after this match"

Fox yes same here - they won't be told the truth by me as to why we split up but sadly they'll work most of it out for themselves. My eldest (12) is getting there already - hard to watch but it's a situation that my ex has only himself to blame for (not that my ex would ever see that!).

I think it depends how far the DCs question it. To my mind the constant cheating wasn't just cheating on me, but them too. The lack of respect he showed me by taking every opportunity to put his penis into someone else (some paid for) tells me how much he truly values his DCs. Yet he insists he is a good dad. Narcs aren't capable of self-reflection.

XH is also very good at compartmentalising. He simple doesn't make the connection between married, family life and being 'a player' (his words).

He's just a big fat cliche squeezed into skinny jeans.

Happy Sunday
I'm lounging in bed and it's one of the few moments I miss a man in my life
Lightly hungover warm lazy snuggling.

Kids made me breakfast which more makes up for that.

Pmsl at the thought of all of us in a room together facing out the WN's.
It's quite powerful so we should all keep that image in our heads when dealing with them

Morning all.

Hope you are all benefiting nicely from the extra hour.

You seem in a positive place at the moment dusters, I agree with all your thoughts on mutual friends. I probably should have gone last night, they are only human and some are good friends. I just wasn't up for it, I would have been the only one their without kids and I know some of them feel sorry for me that I am single. They just don't get that I am seriously much happier than when I was with him. I know the behind the scenes info on some of their marriages and couldn't live like that for a second! The only negatives in my life are how he treats me/the kids and I suppose the only way I can control that is how I react to that. So hard.

Chloe that makes me feel really sad for you about the 'friend' and Sunday lunches. I used to find Sundays extremely hard as most others all wrapped up in their families together. They are much easier now.

A day of cleaning and shopping awaits!!!

Morning gang, forgot about the clocks going back, no wonder I feel so much more refreshed this morning!

He's just a big fat cliche squeezed into skinny jeans Thank you for that OhFor, that has literally made me cry with laughter, along with his self-description as a player. I'm imagining a slightly older, balder James Corden bursting out of his denims, winking at young girls in bars who are eye rolling at their friends.

I totally get why you didn't go to the party last night purple. If I had a dirty fish tank, cleaning that would have been preferable to lots of the nights out I had after I split with my ex! I also thought that was bloody nasty about the Sunday lunches Chloe. I've done the same as you, cut people out if they've been really insensitive. The friendship where I did challenge the person, and try to make them see just how hurtful they had been, has survived. We're almost back to normal, and I have to say I admire how she's dealt with it. We were very close so it's a massive relief.

I am feeling pretty positive at the moment purple. I'm a glass half-full type of person anyway, but don't really know where it comes from. I think escaping my previous relationship which was so EA gave me such strength, and even now years on just knowing I don't feel like I used to is a daily source of joy. I've been rereading some of my Buddhism books recently as well, they're very insightful and calming.

Dc will be home later this evening. I know that will be mixed emotions, as regards hoping they've had a great time away with ex but then having to hear about him. I'll do my usual focusing on them, but not too many questions.

Like Dung I'm lounging, so must get up and pretend to be terribly busy as opposed to slightly hungover and mumsnetting !

Morning all. How are you feeling frog? Sorry you're with me on this (you know what I mean). I've been crying a lot too. I hate that I'm still crying because of him.

Chloe me too with the friends. He's still included in things, me not. I'm sorry it's happened to you, and so many of us. It's another unfairness. But, I see the lower tolerance for rubbish that we develop as a result as a positive life lesson.

I'm worried at the moment. WN has been a dick again this morning then tried to change drop off time to much later. I said no as he wouldn't give me proper details which will play right into his hands as he's telling all and sundry I won't let him see DC and the usual crap (sure I don't need to tell you lot that the reality is he messes us around and I fit in with it endlessly to keep the peace for DC) but now I'm worried he'll just do it anyway. He never tells me where they're going or any information at all so I'm feeling very unsettled right now.

Greencar does he have the dc with him now, or are you due to drop them off at his today ?

Oh Greencar, my stomach knotted up reading your post.

He's playing games to score a few measly points.

But he's doing it to make himself feel better and because that is all he has.

He doesn't know how to engage with another adult to achieve a common aim. He doesn't see his family. He sees you, the enemy. And he can't see beyond that.

Greencar I get no details either. In fact I don’t have a clue when he's helping next weekend. He'll help with group drop offs. He has them today in the day. Neither of them was bothered about going, but I'm hoping they have some fun.

Chloe I feel very angry at your friend picking your ex as a lying, cheater and seeing him. I have friends that understand, some that don't know what to say, some that think they would have dumped him earlier (as though I was a bit weak), but thankfully none have openly taken his side. Some of his wider family and work colleagues have contacted me to say they are glad to see I'm ok and offer support if I need it. He has a 'coldness' that people see when they're with him for some time.

These regular cheaters are making me uneasy as, since the split, I've had a voice in the back of my head telling me ex cheated before. There was another instance of him being very friendly with a woman at work starting around 11 years ago. When we had a break 7 years ago, one of my conditions was that he left her badmington group. She still works with him. I'm now wondering if that had been more. I think I tried not to see it. That makes me feel very rubbish. It's like a wave of 'oh shit how much of my life has been wasted on lies'.

Thank you all, I have been trying to think about it all rationally. He has DC with him now. I am going to attempt to get on with the day until drop off time, and hope he turns up. If not, deal with it then.

lilac same here, I never get advance notice (control!) and I get that feeling of years wasted on lies and cheating, the way I overcome it is to look at my beautiful DC and know that's made it all worth it.

Chloe I have been thinking some more about your friends and this is undoubtedly coloured by my own experience but I'm feeling angry for you too. It's wrong. But absolutely and completely not a reflection on you.

Chloe - coincidentally I'm East Mids too.

It's been busy here this morning - I need to catch up. Making a Sunday 'roast' right now (if you can call Aunt Bessie's stuff plus sausages and instant gravy a 'roast' - I used to live to cook)

frog I'm not near you but if I was I'd be trying to wangle an invite over, definitely counts as a roast!

I wish I could get rid of the weight in my chest