support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Just to confirm dusters I am being honest and clear with the DC's 'Dad hasn't replied to any of my text messages' 'I don't know where he is' 'it's not very kind to leave us waiting like this' etc.

Hi Purple, I've just had the same with ex picking up our child. 15 minutes late. He knows I'm always guessing how late he's going to be, or if he's suddenly going to change times.

Example, last week pick up was 10am Saturday. At 10:15 I get an email simply saying "Likely to be there for 12". Effing "Likely"! He arrived at 12:15.

In my case, Cafcass have been quite harsh on the ex. The last cafcass report actually said ex seemed not to be fully promoting our child's relationship with me, and that what he was proposing (one overnight for me every two weeks!) was nowhere near good enough.

I get frustrated with the amount of people who tell me I should tell the court all this stuff. I keep explaining that unless you're at a hearing, the court can't do anything (unless you're going for an enforcement or you believe your child is at risk of harm).

Purple - did he turn up? If so what time?

I'd be interested to know if it made you feel slightly better Purple to let the kids know what was happening, as it happened. I know it does me.

Instead of twittering about "Oh, the traffic must be heavy", or "Well, daddy might be working a long way away" and me trying to be all breezy, it's so much better just to say exactly what you have done today. My dd will now phone herself (she's 11) and say where are you?!!

Stripy the more I hear on this thread about the courts it makes me want to throw my pc out of the window !! What is the point of them? These men ignore things or change things at will, and there seems to be very little redress, or if there is it takes forever.

He turned up at 11.10. He finally replied to one of my texts and said he had overslept.

V likely he had a late night out last, night he claimed he was working late (?!) (he normally finishes at 5.30pm) and he told DC's it was to earn extra money for them!!!

I'm struggling today. I feel so strange, very very down and under the weight of years of having to deal with him, scared of the future and what he'll do next but also oddly almost missing him. I'm not sure if I am missing him, more the person I thought he was, or grieving for what we should have had. It's difficult to see him showering it all on others, even though I know it's just a tactic, when I feel so alone and with so little hope for the future.

Stripey - not much of a father is he?

What would happen if you go back to the 50/50 and if he wants to change again refuse flatly to diverge from the order except in cases of emergency etc?

Green - I'm right there with you. Tears all over the place again - I don't know about you but I find just letting it out helps.

greencar "grieving for what we should have had". I get that, totally.

Twat is 100% living up to his name just now. He's away with my two, which I'm pleased about, but it still feels strange that I'm not there. Also, after a day and night without them, and the prospect of a whole weekend without them, I suddenly felt very sad this morning. But not for me! Him! I thought that he has lots of times like this, no kids for a couple of days. It seemed such a horrible thought.

And I think this is why you, and frog, and me, and many others on here are sometimes brought low, tearful and fearful of the future. Because we are normal, we have normal feelings and expectations. We can hate them but also see the sadness in the situation. We live with that tension, I don't think they do.

I cope better when I'm feeling a bit angry, a bit self righteous, with my "fuck 'em" head on. I think they pretty much always feel this way, so they gain strength from it. I think a lot of their behaviour is to protect themselves from actually feeling anything, or else they'd be on Dadsnet posting like us!

Just as we were breaking up I challenged Twat on something. He admitted to it. It was such a massive betrayal my legs were literally shaking. I had to ask him to stop talking as I thought I was going to scream. When we discussed it later, after we'd split, I brought it up. He just sat there, looking blank. I said look at you, there's nothing there is there, just a blank sheet of paper. I told him I'd felt so betrayed. "Oh, I think betrayal's a bit strong" he said. Trust me, it wasn't.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not dealing with a regular person. So I adjust my behaviour accordingly. In a recent text he said I owe you nothing, I'm not beholden to you. And he truly thinks that, no respect or consideration that I'm the mother of his children. So hard to get your head around, but I just accept it, what else can I do.

frog - hope your tears are giving you some release. I'm off to do some shopping (which I never do on my own). I'm going to keep my eye out for a Queen CD. Since you posted those clips I've been listening to lots of music on YouTube. REM's Hold On, with the official video, makes me a bit weepy but really good for those days when holding on is the goal.

My heart is sinking reading all your posts. I wish I had some wise words to help. Stay strong, you are stronger than you think xx

Just caught up with thread and so much on here reassures me that I'm not wrong or a bad person. Just like you all I've done nothing wrong but been pushed to doubt myself and in back ground ex is nasty, lurking shadow. Sorry to hear about ex's taking DCs away and the stress that narcs can cause, in memories as much as now.

Today was my day, as he said it was as he sets the days, and he turns up in morning says he was confused. He could see we had coats on about to go out so tries to talk with DCs in 'I'm brilliant and we need long chat' way. I've managed to avoid contact with him, so no manipulation for a while, but when I said we're in rush I get eye-rolling, pained 'poor-me' looks, shrugging, sighing, sad looks at DCs and storms off to car.

DCs angry with me - they knew we had to get DD to paid event but they don't understand he's just played me. He could have simply said "my mistake" and "have a good day" to DCs.

Yesterday he took them on a Halloween activity that we've done for years. He took GF in my place. DCs said she's started to hold their hands so looks like mum. I felt guilty for feeling happy when DD said she felt inside it was wrong. I really don't want them to like GF (was OW), but want DCs to be ok. Is it ok to still want something bad to happen to ex and OW? (Nothing fatal, just quite bad).

Lilac, for me just knowing what the OW has landed herself with is enough.

Nodding in agreement with your whole post there.

Lilac, that hand holding, I'd feel just as you do. Don't feel guilty about being glad when DD said she felt inside it was wrong. In my opinion it is wrong. But then she was an OW so her moral compass will be way off, wrong/right - what would she know? Your dd is already trusting her gut instinct - that's great, and telling you - great again.

I wouldn't want my dc's to like my ex's partner (if he had one), but like you would want dcs to be ok. By this I'd think safe, respected, treated with kindness, that would do me.

Just thinking about what we've been talking about earlier in the thread, as regards exposing (gently) ex's behaviour to the dc. I think your dc are younger than mine, but would you have felt able to say something like "That wasn't very nice of dad to hold us up, he knew we were in a rush, we could have missed xxx. He made the mistake in coming here today, I wouldn't do that to you if I went to dads by mistake." I hate to think of the dc being angry with you and you feeling you can't defend yourself - just to save his skin. Although I know you'll be trying to protect them as well.

As for the something bad happening - oh yes, acceptable to me at least. I don't wish anything physical towards my ex (well, not on most days) but I'd love him to be let down and stitched up big time. A real knock him off his perch type thing. As for his father, 5 minutes in a locked room with a heavy object. And I'm actually not joking.

Just out of interest Lilac why does he set the days? Is it just easier that way, is he more likely to stick to things? Seems very unfair on you.

Lilac - that is horribly emotionally manipulative behaviour on Ex's part.

Could you say something like: Dad made a mistake. Mistakes happen but it is unkind to try to make others feel bad for them. I can't control what he chooses to do or how he chooses to react.

I'm curious to know why your XP sets the days too Lilac - because I'm struggling and XP has refused to give me any dates to have the DCs. In fact he has told me to not make any plans.

Thanks for the advice...I agree next time I should feel able to sensibly explain the situation. I was shocked and off-guard, then with DCs upset just felt angry but like the bad one at the same time. I've been talking with DCs about ex leaving as it was his choice. It is hard trying to explain the truth, but wanting them to be happy and be able to love their dad too.

He's now telling them he's changed car as can't afford old one, but has newer car!

He sets times as has from the start. It's the same Mon-Fri: taking them to afterschool groups no sleepovers. Then he says if Sat or Sun. Again no sleepovers. When I ask for changes I just get lines like "I don't owe you any favours" or he takes ages to reply.

Lilac, how long have you had to put up with this, and how do you manage?

My situation is similar and it's driving me crazy.

Oh Lilac he's an arse, I suspected that would be your answer (have been out with friends on the Prosecco so please excuse any typos or nonsense!)

Please don't think I was finger pointing, kind of "you should have said....". As frog said to me in an earlier post, it's just a different perspective when you're not emotionally involved. What would happen if you said "It'll be Saturday not Sunday this week. I always fit in with you, this week you fit in with me" ? WW3 I expect ?

Amongst my friends just now they asked about the saga of the sodding car. I thought, you know what, this is my life just now, so I'll tell you all the rubbish. If it's too real, then tough luck. But d'you know what, they were amazing. Lots of stunned looks, questions, disbelief. My closest friend hugged me and said let me give you the money to get him off your back, he's a "twat" ! I thanked her for the offer, I know it's genuine, but said I would sort it. The hosts boyfriend, who I hardly know, said on leaving I hope you get all that ridiculousness sorted with your car. For once I feel people got it, it's made such a change.

OhFor - if you made plans, would he be difficult just to ruin them?

Sorry you lot are having such tough times right now. My ex has been calling my OH far too many times, even after OH sent him a message saying no calls tonight (because DD is at a sleepover) and I ended up calling him in a rage to tell him to stop calling as its pretty much harassment as my OH is not the one to call.

But had good news today in that landlord called and said we don't have to pay rent for the rest of the year (because we're fixing the house) so nice to have some good news for once and can now afford some things DD needs which ex won't pay for.

That's great news Natsku about your house. So pleased for you.

What is it with your ex and the bloody 'phone?! Your OH must have the patience of a saint. Glad you raged down the phone at him, a normal conversation wouldn't get you anywhere.

He said 'a normal person answers the phone' and I lost it and said 'a normal person doesn't bloody call a hundred times a day!!!' I told him if he calls my OH again he will call the police to report it as harassment. I can bet he'll call again tomorrow but I'll try and pre-empt it by getting DD to call when she comes home.

That's a bit of good news Nat, nice to hear.

Dusters, telling people is a good thing - it's him not you. I don't think these XPs hesitate in telling people how great/hard done by they are.

In answer to your question, he wouldn't spoil things but he knows I wouldn't do anything without the children being sorted first. That's the problem - he's way to safe in the knowledge that the DCs are my priority. I couldn't say, for example, "I'm going out, you're looking after the kids". He would be busy 'working'. I'd rather pay for a babysitter than ask him. The kids say 'is Dad looking after us tomorrow?' I say, 'yes, dad is babysitting'. That's all he is, a glorified babysitter.

Reading everyone's experience on here makes me realise that in a way I'm quite lucky he has little to do with us. It's just that when he does it has to be on his terms.

Nat I think we all know what you'd like to, justifiably, do with his phone. He's a twat, pre-emptive strike sounds good.

Dusters I'm finding I'm getting strength from being on here. So really liked the suggestions of what to say because I have to admit when he's near a fog descends. I try to be rational, to make sure I'm not feeling guilt or rage, but he's still pushing my buttons.

I really wish he'd stop telling DCs that I have all his money when he earns far more than me and his GF has higher wage too (I know the banding in his work). I'm taking the mortgage, but he doesn't appreciate that it's a debt and that he's taking savings. I have explained this to my 10 year old and she's fed up from hearing it from him.

I've managed to arrange two dates this coming week though!

Forgot to say, I previously tried the "you can have kids this Sat in day and night", he said "I'm busy". Same as you fox he knows I'll put DCs first.

I'm getting the mortgage as even his solicitor knows if it goes to court I have plenty of records showing I'm the main carer so better for me to have his equity and mortgage (house) rather than stake in pension.