support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

And yeah, everything dusters said.

Purple and Frog you're feeling very worn down as you're in a really hard situation. Sounds like other ex's on here trying to cause uneccessary hurt too, Dusters - use what you can to get your noney for a car!
As others have said, this isn't you - not your choice.

Frog please do completely vent on here to let go of the pain. It's worse to hold it in. If things feel very sad please talk to a GP too.

I feel strange as have gone into overdrive on online dating. It's like a drug, can write to lots of men imagining they're nothing like ex and it's distancing him from me. I'm not meeting lots of them and won't put myself in danger, but I'm not sure I'd be writing to so many if I didn't need reassurance that I'm normal.

Lilac - "overdrive on online dating" ! That's so great. Whatever your reasons it's helping you, so crack on and enjoy. You're in the driving seat.

My best outcome for the car is that I get all the money from the insurers. He doesn't sign and send the form to the DVLA. The car is then sold to some 19 year old nutcase who drives the wrong way round the M25, gets 10 parking tickets and sets off the speed cameras. Who will still be the legal owner? Mr Twat of Twatsville. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Dusters I like your style. And thanks for all your words. Well headed and so well received.

I can't sleep. Turmoil.

I see XH manipulating and emotionally playing games with poor DS. Lamb to the slaughter. He's told me tonight that 'dad' told him this and that but not to tell Mum. I could kill him I really could. This is nothing about parenting and all about point scoring and the shit emotional games his family have always played. Fuck it. I'll just have to go down in flames.. court soon and I am not going to be bullied by him anymore.

Someone just give me the emotional strength to get through the next few weeks..

Hope you're ok frog, let us know. We care

Well done purple for deciding not to be bullied by him any more. You are strong and you will fight for your children because they can't fight for themselves. You definitely don't want to leave them to him because you don't want them to have to suffer his wanky narcness full time.

Frog 💐 Virtual hand holding. How many dc's do you have??? How old are they? I wish I had wise soothing words to help you through this - I do know that feeling. there are lots of people on here who know too - so venting and being on here can really help .
One thing I remember from reading the 3 C's from "out of the fog" website is that saying "you didn't cause it"

I didn't cause it.

From their website:
"It's very common for victims of abuse to blame themselves for the abuse. they may begin to ask themselves "what did I do to make him/her so angry?" It's only natural to assume that everything has a cause and effect and therefore if someone is treating you badly perhaps you did something to deserve it.

However, people who suffer from personality disorders often exhibit dissociation - where their perception of what is real and what is not is skewed by their swings in mood.

Additionally, people who abuse others often look for justification for their behavior and a convenient excuse can usually be found in the imperfections of the hapless victim.

Here at Out of the FOG, we believe everyone is responsible for their own actions and must be held accountable for their own behavior. This includes people who suffer form personality disorders and those who don't. This means that nobody is responsible for causing the behavior of another".

outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

Someone on here recommend it to me and I found it super helpful.

I'm here. I just don't have any words. I have never ever felt so utterly low.

Frog have you seen your gp, I think you need to asap

Sorry but I need to vent, please bear with me. My DS is 12 today. He's still being kept from me, is frightened & alone with that monster and his enablers. His coping mechanisms will be almost exhausted. I am handing over my other DC this evening. They are looking forward to seeing heir brother but are worried that 'dad' will stop them coming home. He won't. He only wants eldest child. Purple, dusters & frog - hang on in there. You can do this. There'll always be some shit cos they can't help themselves - lack of control you see. We had 3.5yrs of relative calm now my children are separated, courts ,SS & cafcass back in our lives and I am devastated. On Tuesday I felt that I couldn't carry on with this, but it's getting better. Today will be hard but I need to keep fighting to keep my children safe. 6yrs of this. When will it stop? 6yrs on & his hatred is as strong as ever. I fear for my babies every minute they are with him.

Oh god ddrmum, how can your ds of 12 have been taken away from you, or is he just refusing to bring him back? You're right, it's the lack of control.

Frog I agree about going back to your GP. Didn't you say earlier that the GP had come good for you and recommended some counselling/therapy? Even if you don't really want to post, just let us know every now and again that you're ok. You're in my thoughts a lot at the moment.

Purple Let's hold virtual hands for the roller coaster ride of the next few weeks. I saw my dad yesterday, he's going through a bad patch because of the fall out of all this shit. My parents are too old and my dc too young to deal with all this. So I'll do it for them. I'm channeling Queen, my "fuck 'em" mantra, and all the other women being dragged down by these men!

What's that saying, "the truth will set you free" ? Even if people don't believe you/us at first, WE know the truth of our circumstances. That gives you a clear conscience.

Twat has just collected my dc for their time away. I didn't even look out the window. They went off smiling, excited and will be fine. I quite enjoyed letting him have it by text yesterday, but now he needs to go out of my mind. So, from now on, back to grey rock. Just a strange little man who occasionally picks my children up and takes them out. That's all he is - small, irrelevant and boring.

I love your strength dusters I am going to keep feeding off it. The truth always comes out - eventually. I'm just hoping it is sooner rather than later.

Please go to your gp frog

I read your thread I think ddrmum I just can't believe your son hasn't been returned yet, its really really shit, but keep strong and keep fighting.

Handover today and feeling very anxious as she will be collected direct from nursery for the first time, had to stop myself hanging around town for 3.5hrs and lurking in the cafe over the road to check she has been picked up. I don't know why I feel something is going to go wrong but I do, am awaiting a call to say nobody has come for her....

DDR Can you possibly link to your thread? I am sure I have read it already though as ringing a big bell, I don't know how supposed trained professionals can be taken in by these manipulators and believe them?!

Hope that call doesn't come Foof

I have counselling (measly NHS 6 sessions - even the counsellor admits that I need way more than is being offered)

I spoke to GP last week with a brief history of my pretty miserable life and he agrrrex to refer me to a psychiatrist- the waiting list is very very long. And that's about it. I just have to soldier on.

Coco - I'm in the Midlands too - perhaps we can get together?
DDR - I've been following your other thread under a different name - I'm incredibly upset for you but not at all shocked - I bloody hope the courts come through for you.

Green, dusters and everyone else - you lot keep me going.

I am so grateful for this thread but also so bloody angry at the rate it is filling up - obviously there are many of us which is just unacceptable. I fear for my daughter's future in this world.

It's our job to not sugar coat it for our children, to stop the cycle, be honest with them about behaviour that is happening, as harsh as it might seem.

Frog I'm glad there's something in the pipeline for you - just wish the pipe wasn't so bloody long ! I too am shocked at how the thread fills up. But then if I think of RL friends and people I know of, I'm not.

Totally agree with your post at 15:41:17 Foof. We owe it to our children to stop the cycle. It's a balancing act. I don't want to scare my daughter away from relationships, but I'm desperately trying to give her the boundaries I didn't have. Even now I don't know why I didn't have them.

Scared for DD too but hope that I can teach her about the warning signs of a narc, of abusive relationships, and what to do if she should find herself in one. And make sure she knows that she can always come to me and I will help her.

Thank you for the words of welcome guys.

I'm having a hellish time. Now the ex has decided he wants to go back to the court order arrangement. If I resist he's sure to take me back to court for an enforcement.
This coincides with the child maintenance service contacting him for money. Coincidence? hollow laugh

My head is spinning. I feel stuck. I can't make plans as the ex is trying to change things all the time to keep me guessing and my life disrupted.

Stripy - is the court order an arrangement that makes your life very difficult? If it is and you can show that you both changed the contact arrangements by mutual agreement can you just go back to court yourself and ask for a variation?

Froginapan - no, the court order is perfect for me. Just days after we were in court, the ex said he can't stick to it (citing difficulty with travelling. He moved our child 80 miles away when he was withholding, without telling me. Cafcass told me).

He gave me one day's notice that instead of the agreed 50/50, l would have to have our child for 6 days, while he had one overnight a week.
Suddenly again, he's saying he will have our child 50/50. I have already got a routine for the 6 day set up. I've been given 3 days'notice (that's generous for him) that he now wants 50/50. Only, he's likely to want to go back to 6/1 at any moment, stuffing up my life.

Hi stripes what absolutely shit behaviour for you to try and cope with - and actually no consideration for the impact this will be having on your DC at all. How do these bastards get away with it? It makes me so mad, they seem to be enabled by SS and Cafcass at times.

I'm sitting here waiting for WN to pick the kids up. Due 15 minutes ago.. I've already texted 3 times in the last hour to confirm pick up time (it hasn't changed ever I just wanted to be sure). No response at all. Control, control, control.